O: Hello and welcome to Stellar Life podcast! I’m your host, Orion. My guest today struggled for years with trust issues and attracting emotionally unavailable men before she finally broke through, hired a dating coach, and met her honest, loving and supportive husband, Brody. For more than a decade, she has been helping single women with dating and attracting a long term, loving and stable relationship quickly and without fear. Please welcome the lovely, Antia Boyd. Hello Antia and welcome to Stellar Life!
A: Thank you for having me, Orion.
O: Thank you so much for being here. I’m excited to be talking to you today. Before we start, why don’t you share a little bit about yourself?
A: Yes! Hi, everyone. I’m Antia Boyd, married to my lovely husband, Brody Boyd. It’s almost our three-year anniversary.
A: Yes! The reason why I’m so passionate about what I do, like now, I get to travel all over California, speak on all kinds of stages and just help women step into their power, into their vulnerability and attract the right partner for them versus just a partner. I always say the reason why I can really appreciate being with a man who I feel really supported and cherished by, because my man is really one of a kind. All of my girlfriends agree, everybody’s like, I want a Brody! It’s really coming from a place of challenge, I grew up in a German household of an emotionally unconscious mom. What it had translated into was some place she was not giving me a hug, she was not tending to my needs of affection and she also didn’t ever tell me I love you or anything like that. As a consequences, as a coping mechanism that we all develop, my coping mechanism was, okay, well then, I shut down too because if I don’t get my needs met, like obviously, I’m not supposed to have them met. What’s the point of even expressing them? As you can imagine, moving on further into my dating life, I attracted a lot of emotionally unavailable men. Classic, right? Having the high expectations only to be crushed and disappointed. Having all your hopes be destroyed. That’s what I went through and of course, it made so much sense because I attracted the exact reflection of who I was. One thing we always say, you want to write that down, you attract who you’re being and whether they would listen to hear that or not, I didn’t like it either but it’s really a wakeup call. That’s when I got myself at the University of Berkeley, study Psychology and got myself into workshops, seminars, you name it. I pretty much did everything I could get my hands on. I did little support groups, Orion. That’s how I started. Little support groups, women to walk them down the aisle, I was the maid of honor and eventually, I really learned and appreciated mentorship because I thought I can’t figure it out myself and I’m sure there’s a lot of women on the call or listening who think that too. But what I didn’t realize was that there are blind spots that we all have. Here I was, had a full system of formula to help women to step into their power to attract a man but I couldn’t make it happen for myself. In a way, there was shame, there was embarrassment coming up as you can imagine and so I hired a mentor for myself, I’m like, I’ll be fine. I give in. I overcome my pride. I really learned to be vulnerable without looking weak and truly trusting myself because that was really one of the things that I didn’t do. Then, just a couple months later, I met my husband Brody. He told me right away that I’m the girl of his story and that’s pretty much the end of the story. That’s why we’re here today.
O: Already the beginning of a new one.
A: Yeah, the beginning! That’s the beginning of a new one, exactly.
O: That’s beautiful. I’m so happy for you.
A: Thank you.
O: I’m excited to meet him in person.
A: Yeah. All the women say Brody loves me.
O: That’s amazing. I have a treasure of my own at home which is very nice to have.
O: It’s interesting because we had somewhat parallel paths where we both had to learn how to open up and how to be vulnerable. What did you learn in those coaching sessions?
A: One thing I learned, Orion, was I was going to my coach, I said, I see all those girlfriends going and having relationships and moving in with their man and here I am saying I want my soul mate but I haven’t even ever had a long-term relationship. I never had a boyfriend longer than two months which is basically not a boyfriend. What I learned, Orion, is that there’s two types of women. My mentor told me back then, Antia, first of all, are you kidding? Do you know how many women are jealous of you right now that you didn’t go through all those heartbreaks and you didn’t go through all those struggle with dating a man for years and heartbreak? You didn’t have to go through that. Then, what I realized is that there’s two types of women. One type of woman learns in a relationship. She learns through relationships. You know what to do, what not to do. And then, there’s the other kind of woman who learns outside of a relationship. Orion, it’s really because she might be even more sensitive. If she wasn’t in a relationship, she would be so devastated and would possibly never recover from a heartbreak. Maybe that’s why she’s really more meant to learn outside of the relationship in terms of workshops, seminars and learning to love herself, doing more the inner work. I feel like the women who are in the relationship, they’re doing more the outer work and getting the constant feedback from their partner, and the women who are growing outside of a relationship, and by the way, I just talked about that because if you’re somebody who’s been single for 10 years, not you Orion, who’s listening, hey, you can meet your man tomorrow because it’s just as relevant to prepare on the inner. That’s a huge a-huh moment that I had for myself that I didn’t have to go linear, that it didn’t have to be step by step but then when I act and I’m acting from an inspired action versus from blind action and just being do-do-do mentality. It’s more circular. I believe that we are orbiting around our partner anyway. It’s never linear, right? It’s circular. We’re like planets orbiting around each other.
O: Or constellations.
A: Yeah, like constellations! You can’t really miss him. It’s literally not possible. You can move to Timbuktu and he’ll somehow find a way to go to you back there. That’s one of the biggest pieces that I learned.
O: I’m sure your coach gave you homework. What type of things do you have to do for yourself in order to change the way you are being?
A: One thing that happened for me was on the inner. I had one foot inside the door and then I had one foot outside the door. How that looked like was I had men come to me but I wouldn’t smile at them because if I smile at them then they know already that I’m attracted to them then they’re not going to be interested in me.
O: Oh, wow.
A: One of my homework literally, I challenged some women who are listening to this right now, was to smile at a man for not just a second but to hold the smile for one to even three seconds and then look away. What that did was it brought up all my uncomfort and vulnerability and feeling awkward and the fear of being taken advantage of and all those stories that we even as a feminine collective accumulate, right? It happened to possibly our female ancestors. It was becoming secure in my insecurities to be like okay, I feel ashamed right now. I get to stand in that. That’s literally one of my homeworks. Okay, to just not do affirmations because I would just use affirmations, put some whipped cream on top. You know what I mean? Instead, I would be like, okay, just feel the shame and keep breathing and keep being in it and really allow it to go even deeper. I’ll find one summit it’s like if you feel embarrassed or if you feel vulnerable, do it again, do you agree with that, Orion? Because what happens is that often times we start to feel resistance like, ‘I don’t feel okay with this’, and then we take it as a signal to not take action. We take it as a signal to retract or to contract. We women inhale so much more than we exhale. I learned to literally energetically just exhale and stay in it and even lean forward more into it. When I was teenager, I always had this nightmare about some sort of monster until I learned to look at the monster. You know the saying, right? Fear is the only thing that becomes smaller when you face it, when you look at it and that’s what happened. Monster disappeared.
O: That’s beautiful. I was just reading this book, I’m still reading it. It’s called The Tools, I can’t remember the author’s name right now but it’s psychologist. They have tools for breaking through and advancing in life. One of the stories that was told in the book is this guy had a friend who was very good at sports and he was the best and the most popular and he was a little scared him and everybody liked him. One day he asked him, how come you’re so good? The guy told him, you know what? I’m not the fastest, I’m not the best but when I go on the field, I tackle first, I run first, I feel the heat first and then I get over my fears and I’m the strongest person on the field because I’m not afraid to get hurt anymore.
A: Yes, absolutely. When I hear it in saying is he uses his fear of vulnerability as a tool to accelerate even faster.
A: It’s a motivator for him, it’s a generator.
O: That’s what he does. He has this awareness of ‘Bring it on so I can move on with it.’
A: Right? Run towards your fears as fast as you possibly can. I interviewed some of my friends and that’s one thing they said, people are like, how did you reach this success and overcame all your fears? And I said, run towards your fears as fast as you can. That just really stuck with me. I realized that that’s what I was doing. That’s what I learned, that’s what I teach my clients, that’s what we talk about.
O: Where in your life do you run toward fears?
A: Every time when I get to a new stage, because now, it’s not relationships anymore. Let me bring up a relation example. Brody and I, we have a really transparent relationship right now. We really do. Let’s say, we’re getting into an argument, which we all do, believe it or not. Where I run towards my fears is staying with him versus part of me wants to leave and get out. You know what I mean? Just open the door and run because I don’t want to feel all the sense of the inner girl that comes up that feels powerless or that feels helpless. I don’t want this to come up or my ego doesn’t want to. Where I run towards my fears is I actually walk towards them. I’m not telling you this is easy, this is super hard, this is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Usually, I just stay with him for a couple seconds, maybe a minute, and just hold eye contact and breathe and then I start walking towards him. Even though internally I hear, Antia, what are you doing?! Get out of here! You have to protect yourself! Because this is our old programming that we have inside of ourselves. I’m the first female in my entire ancestry going at least three generations back that is in a healthy, secure and safe relationship with a man.
O: That’s beautiful. Energetically you are breaking the chain for the generations before you and for generations to come.
A: Even though it sounds simple but you have those voices screaming in your head and forcing you to leave but you’re doing the opposite, right? Another one I do, Orion, is I tell Brody. I tell Brody, you know what? My ego is trying to manipulate you right now. And we always have a good laugh about it. He’s like, oh, really? How does it plan to manipulate me right now? My ego was thinking to blame you, to make you feel guilty because I know you have a soft spot in this area. That’s how I really run towards my fears because now, I have all guards down. He knows me inside and out and he knows how I work. That part of me that’s protective, that the women have, that they’re not attracting because they’re allowing that protective part to run the show. It says, Antia, are you freaking super insane? Because now, you’re revealing all of our secrets. You’re losing all your power. But it’s the opposite.
O: It reminds me, it’s not exactly what you’re doing. I mean, it’s similar in a way that you’re open and vulnerable and just running towards the discomfort and embracing yourself in the discomfort and that feeling. Neil Strauss is the author of the book The Game and he’s got a secret guy society and I’ve been told that one of the exercises he had a guy do is stand in the corner of the street with a dildo on his forehead and ask for a woman’s phone number and he couldn’t leave that spot until he got the phone number.
A: Okay. That’s another level. I love it! That’s so great. I got to read that book. That’s awesome. That’s inviting people to partnership as you know yourself, Orion, to be vulnerable themselves. Maybe somebody sees the dildo on the forehead of this guy and he’s like, oh, that gives me permission to wear those boots or show more cleavage or whatever, right? Whatever I always wanted to do and I’m afraid I’m going to be judged.
O: What is your best dating advice for women?
A: I just have one, It’s vulnerability. It’s allowing versus making it happen. So many times, I hear like, where can I go to find the man and use that language? We even have it as our website because that’s what the women use but to focus more on bringing the energy back to themselves. I feel a lot of times it’s more about focusing on the other person and focusing what they’re saying and do they like me and are they enjoying the date versus bringing the energy back to themselves. How about that? First of all, feeling their feet on the ground because often times women are out of their body when they’re on a date, number one. The second part is bringing the energy back to yourself. And ask yourself, was that entertaining for me right now? Do I just enjoy what he said or I might just be sitting here so that I can say I went on a date but actually I don’t really feel heard, I don’t feel connected with this guy or I feel like he’s just talking about himself all day long? That’s one of the biggest complaints I get. Dating guys that talk about themselves and they don’t get enough attention. I would say bring that energy back to yourself by asking yourself questions and by feeling yourselves consistently.
O: Do I like this? Do I want this? Do I really want to stay here? Should I just leave?
A: Yes! That Orion gives them a conversation of abundance, I have the choice to leave and there’s somebody else out there. It’s the place of position that somebody else is out there. But if I’m in the fear of conversation and the scarcity, then I’m like, this is the only guy and I need to make it happen and I need to throw myself into pretzel. That’s what I would recommend for a lot of women that come across from us.
O: Your advice is go back to yourself, feel yourself, love yourself and enhance who you are. And then, from that place, date other people. But I also believe that you do have to take the basic steps, you can’t just close the door and hide in your bed and meet the love of your life. You do need to take some actions. When you go on those dating apps and you scroll through guy’s profiles or writing your own profile, what are the must do or don’t do in that arena?
A: I think one thing that I always hear, I think it’s definitely important even online to keep that same energy. Don’t smile three times at a profile depending on what app you’re on or whatever, smile or knock, whatever it’s all called. There’s so many new apps since I found my husband four years ago. Tinder, I didn’t even know about Tinder. I would say number one, don’t check your message 10 or 20 times a day. I think it’s way more about energy. When I did online dating and I would go in there, it would be fun. I want to see myself as a researcher. Let’s see what happens today, versus going in there, I’m going to find the one, I’m going to write the right profile. I have to tell you, every time I went in there and I was completely detached, I met the most amazing man. I mean, just amazing.
O: Your judgment is not clouded by your emotions.
A: Absolutely. There was no expectations. Sometimes spontaneous dinners turn onto even guys I dated for a couple of months. What you got to be aware of is online dating there’s so much room for interpretation, danger, danger. Another thing I also always recommend to women, write short, be short and sweet, don’t be long because that invites the man to stay on it too. The goal is, at least that’s what it was for me and that’s what my women ask me to do is get offline as fast as possible and meet in person versus being online because the women that I work with have usually an anxious attachment style. The anxious attachment style projects anticipation and images into the future and onto the person so the more they don’t see them, the more story happens in between. The more fill in the blanks happen that are not real. That man is not even existing.
O: Tell me more about that.
A: Absolutely. What happens between you actually talking to a man and meeting a man is the story you make up in your head. With the anxious attachment style, they just see themselves walking down the aisle the first time he says hi.
O: Oh my God, yeah yeah.
A: His last name sounds really good behind my first name. We literally have clients right now and we’re coaching them out of it and coming back to reality because they have already said she’s my dream girl, my husband works with men, right? He’s my dream man and it happened to me too to a guy in Chicago. I didn’t know this guy, I only talked to him five times and then I realized that I had five conversations with him in a span of three months but I already decided that he’s the one and it’s all great, and it’s all going to work out because all the story that happened in between, all the future anticipation, that was not real.
O: The same patterns that you do over and over again, the more you do it, the more it gets anchored and it gets stronger. I can understand how hard it is to detach people from this because they are so addicted to visualizing, they are so addicted to not restricting and just running with all their might toward that person. They’re almost attacking him energetically.
O: And then, they’re like, oh, I don’t understand why I push everybody away. Because you’ve been told over and over again that you might want to take the time to withdraw a little bit and you might want to take the time with him and get to know him and like you said, go back and connect to yourself, connect to your body, do I really want it? People want to see what they want to see and they don’t want to see the bad stuff about the other person. They don’t want to see his flaws or her flaws and then what happens is they get hurt.
A: What I saw was there was couples who worked at Cosmopolitan while the women worked at Cosmopolitan. They were giving some tips on what to pay attention to. One couple that was standing out to me because she said, every date was our first date.
A: What that means Orion is no assumptions. Especially when you meet online to be okay, that was a great date! Dwell in that first date, dwell in it all day long but just on that first date, not what it could be or how the second date’s going to be because you don’t know that. That’s what I always tell my women, I always say, you don’t even know if he’s going to be the same person next time. There’s a lot of assumption versus curiosity. Let’s see what happens at the next one, how is he going to show up at the next one and then be surprised. I’d rather have them have surprises than anticipations or disappointments because they have future anticipations that didn’t hold true in reality. Be more curious versus assumptions. That’s a big one.
O: Right. Do you have any system around when to get intimate?
A: I‘m glad we talk about that Orion because the system for me is really when you feel in alignment when it’s not a should. If it’s like, should I? Forget that. But, if it’s like, I desire this. I really want this. And also Orion, I will tell you the reason I don’t have a system in that sense is because if I have women who jumped in too fast, it’s usually always just what leads back to the equilibrium. If I have somebody who’s always waiting for six months or a year or whatever, it’s like tiptoeing. I encourage them to look at that more. If I have somebody who jumps in it and it’s physical right on the bed then I usually say, okay, what’s going on here? Were you feeding your anxiety? That’s a good way to see it. Are you using it to feed your anxiety or is it a real heartfelt, soul felt desire that is congruent? If it comes from anxiety, if it comes from fear, I will lose him or I need to release the tension or the anxiety or the unknown of whatever it is, I say, let’s pull back and be with that uncomfort. You call that my system so, I do have a system in that sense. Assessing from what place the desire comes from.
O: The woman who’s quick to jump in with a guy usually gives excuses around it like I wanted it, I took it, I wanted to take it, but if you go deeper like you said, it usually comes from a place of void like I need sex now or I need to validate my strength as being the taker.
A: Yes. It’s a void versus fullness or whatever you want to call it. That’s a good way of seeing it too, Orion. Absolutely.
O: They met the guy and then they started dating him. What does being vulnerable mean to you?
A: I brought you already a few examples. I always get this question. We’re like on the first date, obviously you’re not telling them what your ego is saying to you. I’m not going to say that.
O: Yeah. It’s more being genuine and authentic and direct and clear in your communication.
O: But, you could be clear in your communication and still not be vulnerable.
A: Yes. That’s what we always say. Because some people are more uncomfortable with vulnerability because they speak on vulnerability all the time, unless it makes me feel uncomfortable, it’s not vulnerable. We talk this through. Telling the man that you would have loved for him to open the door, let’s say, something like that because I always talk about immediate feedback versus delayed feedback for the man. For some women, it’s already vulnerable to say I desire for you to hold the door open for me. That’s already really vulnerable for some women. For some women, that’s the easy peasy part and for me it’s way more to not talk on a date and let the man talk. It depends on what kind of woman are we talking about. The barometer is what makes you feel uncomfortable, where do you feel uncomfortable? I’m not talking red flags, I’m not talking you have this sixth sense that something is off. I’m talking that uncomfort where your ego’s not in control and you don’t quite know what’s going to happen. What gets you there? For a lot of women, it’s sometimes even dancing by themselves that say they’re out. I’ll say, dance by yourself on the dance floor. For some women, that’s vulnerable because they don’t want to be seen as single. It depends on what judgments they have about themselves and that’s a good way to see it too. What’s the deepest judgments about yourself and run towards it? If it’s the fear of being single, dance alone, go out alone, go. I met amazing people going out by myself, going having dinner by myself. When I moved to LA, it was by myself and I met the most amazing people. It’s like what we talked about before, the smiling, the body language. Whatever it is that puts them into that level of discomfort and whatever deepest judgments they have towards themselves, to do some action around that, whatever they judge to be.
O: Right. What’s the best outfit to wear when you go out dating for the first time?
A: Great! Great question! You want to pay attention to color, we’re actually working together with a stylist, it was amazing. We partnered up with somebody. When you’re on a first date and you’re coming more from corporate and find you’re attracting more let’s say, feminine guys, go more with a skin colored blouse, not see through but a peach tone or a cream or something like that and you can wear jeans so, you want to be balanced with that. However, if you’re somebody, you have clients, you’re being approached all the time and they’re over approachable. Wear something more neutral, wear like a dark blue, don’t wear black. Black and white is not for dating at all because it’s so corporate and it’s a total turn off. You definitely want to stay away from black or white but apart from that, you want to stay away from red, on the first date, because you want to have colors you can escalate towards. If you wear red on the first date then what else can he look forward to? Where else is this going to go on the third day? You want to be able to escalate it. The nice and neutral could also be a green and it could be a darker green. My eyes are blue green so one of my neutrals is grey green. Whatever is neutral for you, you can talk with a color consultant about that. That’s what I would recommend for you if you’re somebody who gets approached too much, whether it’s too much intimacy right away and you’re constantly to set boundaries then wear something that’s a little bit more formal versus more approachable. And then you can escalate towards like on the second date, you can wear something a little bit more colorful and then, escalate it more to some sort of reddish tone because that’s a signal towards the man.
O: What about a cleavage or a mini skirt?
A: It’s all about balance. Again, it depends on number one, are you wearing the blouse or is the blouse wearing you? Does that make sense?
A: That’s what I’m talking about. If you wear the blouse and you just hope it wears you but you’re not owning it, you don’t feel comfortable in it. It’s a little too much but you try to appease the guy then I would recommend wear a nice top with a little bit of cleavage but not that much cleavage but you’re like, I own my voluptuousness, I love my fiery-ness or whatever. What I recommend is the balance. If you have something that’s more low cleavage then I would go with either a longer skirt or a pair of pants. Then, if you have a short skirt, go with something that’s more closed up because my husband works with men, they’re wondering, what’s underneath? You don’t want to show too much, right? You want to leave a little space for curiosity and inquisitiveness.
O: Another tip is when women go out and they look for a successful man, you want to be elegant because when he sees you, when he looks at you, he thinks to himself, can I take her with me on a business meeting or business together? Will she represent me and who I am well? Or will I be embarrassed to walk with her?
A: Absolutely. One thing we always say is that dress as your future self. If you anticipate to go to galas, dress like that. Because he gets a good sense of how you’re going to look next to him at that gala, but not in that short party outfit. I see some outfits as very interesting. Women need to be more educated on it.
O: It’s not across the board. Some successful men like women that look like they’re straight out of playboy magazine and that’s fine.
O: But for the most part, it depends on who you want to be or what type of person you want to attract. Like you said, you want to dress as your future self.
A: Absolutely. It depends on do you want attract somebody on a soul level? Do you want to attract somebody on a human level? Some people are saying, yeah, I don’t really believe in soul mates and all that stuff. I’m good with compatibility and if he has a good bank account, then we’re good. We’re both looking good and that’s fine.
O: There’s no judgment there.
A: Absolutely, no. That’s a different level.
O: It’s just different levels if you want somebody who’s more practical. Like you said, he doesn’t care about soul connection or spiritual connection and it’s all about the physical and you’re all about the physical and that’s what you want, that’s fine. But if you want something else, if you want a different thing then dress up for that thing that you really want.
A: Absolutely. Dress like yourself. He’s going to find out anyways. He’s going to be like I’m not interested anymore because you’re not who you say you are. That’s what women always think, he’s going to fall for it. Once he’s in love with me then I can show who I really am. It just doesn’t work because Brody and I, we have fun saying the relationship continues how it starts. If you start with lying to him in a way that you’re portraying to be somebody you’re not, even if it’s just personality or whatever, something holding back then, then that’s the kind of relationship you want to have.
O: It’s a waste of your time.
A: It’s always up your time, it’s always going to feel disconnected. There’s always going to be the sense of holding back and not being expressed so just know that going in.
O: How important is authenticity in a relationship?
A: 100%. I cannot say enough about it. I speak on it all the time. Here’s the reason why, Orion, we’re not just talking about being in a relationship for a couple months. We’re talking about being in a long-term relationship, being married. What I see, we just had a conversation with a couple yesterday, is that small in authenticities in the beginning now, years later, there’s like a lack of polarity or there’s a lack of deeper understanding or trust and they don’t know what it is but, the trust is not there or there’s always a control that comes up. Then, when I trace that back, it always goes back to small, little in authenticities of holding back the truth. But on the other hand, relationships where I’ve seen huge secrets being revealed early on in the relationship, we have clients who have gone for all kinds of challenges, they communicate to their dates in the first five to seven days. They communicate if it’s something bigger because it opens up that trust and immediately the woman says, yes, I want to be with you and by the way, this is what’s going on for me so, it’s kind of like the ripple effect about trust because what I hear so many times women say, I trick men I can’t trust. It start with that inauthenticity in the beginning. I am like, well, were you authentic in the beginning? And they’re not. It’s coming back to that, they tricked man that they can trust.
O: What are red flags when you’re dating somebody new?
A: Hah! I love it. Inconsistent communication is number one. If you have somebody who drops off the earth for a couple of weeks and then comes back in with some sort of excuse, there is no excuse. I don’t care what it is, I don’t care how busy you are. You always have five minutes to send a quick text message and I get that man and women are different, you have to speak on that subject coming in. But it’s still about on the weekend, at night, when he’s done with work, right? I understand men are single focused. I get all that, but when I hear those stories where men are dropping off the earth for like weeks, that’s number one. And then another one is, when he say I just can’t love or I’m just emotionally not capable, or any of that, it’s just another way of saying he’s just not that into you, right? That’s definitely a big one for me, the inconsistent communication. And then also another one, Orion, that I would say is very early on to watch out for is he validating your emotions? When you express your emotions, whether you went to a movie and it was scary or you said something wonderful or something silly, is he making fun of you? Is he disrespectful towards it, even if it’s in a slight way? Or is he validating it? Is he actually respecting you? Because that’s what I foresee, number one narcissism. But a narcissist usually discredits your emotions completely and make you question them. Or number two, any kind of emotional abuse that goes on in so many relationships, it’s a predictor for that. If they’re not crediting your emotions, even if it’s in the most playful fun way, making fun of you in front their friends. I don’t care if it’s just in a sarcastic or whatever what way, those are little indicators I would pay close attention to. I would not let him know right away. Don’t let him know what you read into it because he’s going to become defensive. I would definitely keep it on the back of my mind. If it’s something bigger where you feel really, I didn’t feel respected to really trust your emotions because Orion, I didn’t have one time in my over 400 discovery sessions I’ve done where women told me I felt something and I was wrong. I always got like I was married for 10 years, I knew it after two months, it was always the opposite that they felt there was something off. The emotional guidance system, the emotional authority was on their red lights, and then they just questioned and doubted themselves out of it. Pay close attention to that. Absolutely big.
O: That goes back into feeling into your fears and feeling into your insecurities and not making decisions from a place of a void. Because when you are in a place where you just see that person and, oh my god, he’s so handsome and hot, he’s got a good job, he can be a good provider, he’s funny and you just see your future, getting older with your kids and in the meantime while you’re busy projecting, you are not seeing the red flags. You are not seeing the little things.
A: Yes, yes. And it goes back to what we said about before, Orion to just be in the moment. And the addiction.
O: The addiction and the attachment.
A: Absolutely. That the anxious has. Those are usually the ones that fall victim to the narcissistic, to the avoid man, or the emotionally abused stuff. Absolutely.
O: Something like that happened, how do we communicate and how do we set boundaries?
A: What I always believe and like to continue to empower the man so he doesn’t go on the defense, right? But obviously, speak to it right away. When something comes up for me, my husband’s not disrespectful to me, but to just say I just really appreciate that you did this and that for me, whatever. What I would love is before you say something, to say them private to me, let’s say in front of you, in front of the friends. He can go against that. It makes you feel that way, you take responsibility. That’s really important because if you put it on him, he becomes defensive, right? But I definitely say speak to it, but make sure you’re not charged in that moment. Make sure if you’re emotionally charged, find a girlfriend, scream into a pillow, call your mother, whoever is your best friend and just vent out and make sure you have a clear head when you go in that conversation with him. And also, always assume the best, what I mean with that is like he might have been aware of it, he might be insecure about his own self worth, now that’s also red flag sometimes. We have that to but to really take the case he doesn’t know. I would definitely say, I know you don’t want to hurt me, I know you don’t want to disrespect me and I felt this way because then you’re making the good guy. He wants to be the good guy. Psychology, he wants to fit into the shape that you put him in, unconsciously. He’s like, of course I didn’t want to hurt you.
O: Yeah. But if you’re talking about a good guy or somebody who does not have any mental issues, but I believe that if he is a narcissist, he will still put you on a defense.
A: Yes. The biggest thing is just boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and I think narcissists will really teach you to grow thick skin, because they will try everything. For them, it’s really you just got to set the boundaries, and say no, I mean, you can still say it gracefully but it could even go that far to ignore text messages at some point because narcissists keeps overstepping boundaries. That’s their thing. Then they make you feel guilty for it. Also Orion, what I always say, bring the energy back to yourself because what happens is if you’re dating a narcissist, that means you are a narcissist magnet and that only happen because instead of focusing on yourself and bringing the energy towards yourself, you’re focusing on the other person. You want to make the other person happy, what we talked about in the beginning of the interview. That’s important to come back to yourself and to really just check in with yourself and let them jump up and down and do whatever they want to do and believe me, I had my share with narcissists too. Very clear boundaries and that’s where the self-care where you have to up your self-care, you have to love yourself more than the response of the other person and definitely seek out coaching at that point, you will need to manage it because it’s at that point, it could become a dependence, a co-dependence and you will need someone to help you out of this because he will be able to manipulate you back into it or she. It could be both sides.
O: Yeah, I totally agree. Be careful out there because you don’t want to be an energy vampire that will suck the life out of you just because you want to get married.
A: Absolutely, check in with yourself.
O: Exactly. On this happy note.
A: On this happy note.
O: What are your three top tips to living a stellar life?
A: Wow. Number one is really being yourself. If you want to skip, if you want to dance, if you just go into your inner girl and find out what that is, right? I sing on stage Mary Poppins, a spoonful of sugar. I was dressed in a glittery dress.
O: I wish I was there.
A: I have the video somewhere, I could send it to you. Sometimes I just go into my husband’s office and I skip, I just jump up out of joy, super spontaneous and then I just go back and work. That’s number one, to be completely outrageously self expressed. I even have a Cinderella painting here hanging in my room. To be what you always wanted to be, however you want to dress. That’s definitely number one. And then number two is to really be authentic and speak your truth all the time. I cannot say it enough and no matter if it’s “offensive” especially for the women out there who attract men who don’t respect you and whatever, to really risk, to actually rock the boat and to be in your own energy and set the boundaries because setting the boundaries actually creates more trust, it creates a deeper connection and it’s a much more long term happiness and fulfillment and self expression, right? The last that I will say is when you’re with your man, or when you’re dating or whatever, make sure that you have some connection, whether it be with girlfriends or by yourself, some of you are introverts, I get that. To find a way to recreate that same emotion tonality that you have with your partner, that you have on your date that you love so much. Give that to yourself. Love yourself, celebrate yourself, give yourself flowers, whatever it is that needs to happen for you. That’s really, really important, to have that balanced interdependent relationship that you want to create in your life, if you want to have long lasting happiness on all levels and feel fully self expressed and self actualized.
O: That’s beautiful. I bet people are so excited to get to know you more and contact you and learn more about you. Where can they go?
A: Yes. For the women here who have some really good food for thought for their heart out of this interview, I offer complimentary find the right man discovery session where we go deeper and really explore based on your own personality style, what is it that you really want to create, what are your challenges, what are your roadblocks, what is your resistance that’s coming up inside of you every time when you’re getting closer and closer because I know that is happening, how you’re sabotaging yourself. We can really see what can we create for you, what plan can we create for your moving forward. If that’s something that really rings true for you and you feel that’s a lean in for you and a yes, then go to howtofindtherightman.com and put yourself on my schedule as soon as possible. I usually book out a few weeks in advance, so you really want to get yourself over there as soon as possible. And again, it’s howtofindtherightman.com.
O: Beautiful. I appreciate you very much. This was lovely talking to you. Thank you so much.
A: Thank you, Orion. It was a pleasure.
O: Thank you, Antia.
A: Take care. Bye bye.
O: You too. Bye.