Jacqualyn Burnson

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O: Hello and welcome to Stellar Life Podcast. I am your host, Orion, love coach and transformation coach. Today, I have an amazing guest that will teach you how to go deeper in your relationships, especially your romantic relationship, how to attract the right person by creating the right mindset. Also, when you’re in a relationship, how to maintain that relationship and have it flourish because a relationship is like a garden and you need to nourish it everyday. You want to improve and become a better person everyday and you want to become a better partner everyday because it’s easier to find a new relationship than to maintain something and grow it into a beautiful, long lasting connection. That’s at the end of the day, I’m sure all of us want. We all want that person that will be there with us and hold us and love us. If you want to improve your relationship, Jacqualyn Burnson will help you. She is a former biologist turned human metamorphosis coach. Since 2010, she’s been helping her client unlock their genius and grow their wings to soar effortlessly through life. With her soulmate Andrew, Jacqualyn developed the Five Star Relationship system which teaches humans how to create a relationship of freedom. Without further ado, onto the show. Hey Jacqualyn, welcome to Stellar Life Podcast. How are you today?

J: I’m wonderful, Orion. Thank you for inviting me on, I really appreciate it.

O: I’m very excited. I’m excited to hear about relationship and dating and how to find the right one and all the work that you do helping so many people with their relationship. Before we start, maybe you can share with us a little bit about yourself, what do you do and how do you help the world.

J: Wonderful, thank you. What I’ve been doing since 2010 with my soulmate Andrew who’s really my co-coach, he’s not here today but together, we’ve been helping anybody and everybody really be able to fill themselves with love, fill their hearts with love so that they can go out and find a highly compatible partner that will last a lifetime and enable them both to reach the vision of their lives together. Basically, they help you become a mastermind as a couple so that you can go through life effortlessly together. That is basically the gist of what I do and what we do together. There’s two parts to that, there’s the relationship part but then there is also the what we call human metamorphosis part which is helping every individual fill themselves with love before they go out because if you’re not full of love, you can’t attract the right partner.

O: I love that human metamorphosis, it sounds really cool. What brought you into the love business?

J: I was somebody who was in a childhood that was very painful for several reasons, I had some abuse going on from extended family members and I had a lot of pain with my health when I was young. I was a person who had no love in their heart or a huge portion of my life. In fact, for many, many years, I would have my head hit the pillow every night and I’d pray to die. I had a lot of pain in my life, I didn’t know how to deal with the traumas that happened when I was young and so they caused me a lot of suffering. Going into highschool and college, I just didn’t know how to deal with it. Eventually, I was like, “This is enough.” I’m sick of my personal dramas and saying, “Oh, is somebody going to love me? Is there anybody out there to love me? I’m unlovable.” I had the whole unlovable story. One day I was like, “You know what, I don’t think I want to die alone. I want to have a partner to share my life with.” That was really the changing moment for me when I made that decision. From there on, I started working on myself and I eventually met Andrew after dating for several years. Together, we’ve grown so much and really, with him, the first year of our relationship wasn’t very good, we have both had tons to learn. Together, we’ve grown over these past seven years. Really, I’ve created the Five Star Relationships philosophy that we have today of really how to have a high quality relationship. That’s how I got into it. Before that I was a biologist, not really related until just for my own life experience and having to study and research and figure out my own problems but I wanted to help other people who have the same issues.

O: It’s very interesting that you came to the conclusion that you need to self-regulate and you need to love yourself. You said that after many years of not having love in my heart and wishing to die, all of a sudden, you came to this conclusion. What do you think was the catalyst for your change?

J: I really think it was a moment of grace or what some people call a satori, a moment of enlightenment because I had been caught up in a lot of mental drama and a mental sad, poor me story, I’m so unlovable, for a list of a million reasons, no one is going to love me for X, Y, Z. Back then, I could just go on and on and on of why I was unlovable and why I’ll probably never get a relationship and never find a husband and all these stuff. Again, it’s just grace, it was a moment of enlightenment and I was like, “Do I actually want to die alone?” I started questioning all of those thoughts that I had three years and that story of me never finding anybody and I was like, “Do I really want this or do I want to share my life with somebody?” I came to the conclusion that I wanted to share my life with someone. Right then and there, I made the biggest decision that I’d ever made in my life, was that I was going to not die alone and I was going to put myself out there and do whatever it took to find the partner for me no matter how long it took, no matter what got it my way, no matter how many heartbreaks I had or what crazy stuff happened in dating and I didn’t care. I just made a full on decision of whatever it takes, I’m going to go out there and do it.

O: Yeah because it takes a lot of courage. So many women I speak with, they’re so deity, they’re so afraid of the next dae and the next horrible relationship. You went full in like a warrior.

J: Yup, I did. I went and chopped my hair off and got a new wardrobe. I started working out and getting my health back in shape because I had ankle surgery not too long before that so I had to get my health back in order. Basically, just started changing my life around. I started doing things I loved again like dancing and art and music, just really engaged in life because before that, I was basically laying in bed all day like whining and moping and being sad and watching TV.

O: That’s amazing. You met your one and only and then what? What was your first date like?

J: Andrew had been for three or four years before he met me, he’d been teaching dating to men, single men. He was this dating master guru, I was not, I was just a regular person who’ve been on quite a few dates just because I was committed to finding my soulmate. I was captivated, like, “Woah, who the heck is this guy? He was so good at conversation and so nice and he’s like swag.” It was not love at first sight but we definitely had a lot in common and we were really compatible on the life we wanted to live together or individually, we were able to come together and bring that together. But after the honeymoon period and after we had moved in together which was too soon and I don’t recommend doing what we did, then all of our personal dramas started coming out.

O: Let’s talk about that personal drama because you’re going to have the promises especially with love coaches, it’s like you’re going to find your soulmate and people just immediately imagine a very bright and flawless future with your soulmate. What’s your definition of soulmate?

J: Definition of soulmate is someone who you see past all of their physical body and you see past all of their accomplishments and all of their degrees and all of their whole past and you can truly see and connect with that person’s soul because I know myself that I’m not this body that I’m in, I’m not female, I’m a soul, I’m just in a female body and Andrew is not male, he is a soul as well but he is just in a male body. When I look at him, I see just this radiant glowing soul of him, that’s what I’m connected with and that’s what we share together. When you’re connected to somebody’s soul and you’re able to fully be authentic and vulnerable like that, you are able to uplift each other in a way that you can’t in any other kind of relationship. Have you heard of The Principle of the Mastermind? I’m sure you have.

O: Oh yeah, of course. I’ve been to many myself.

J: A soulmate relationship is really a mastermind, an intimate mastermind where you two are helping each other improve all the time. He is my biggest coach and I’m his, that’s what that means to me.

O: It really resonates because it’s very similar with me and my love and our relationship. I just posted a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert, it says, “People think that a soulmate is your perfect fit and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. A soulmate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you obstacles and addictions, break your heart, open to new light so new light can get in, make you out of control so you can transform your life.”

J: Absolutely, I 100% agree with that.

O: I like the idea of the mirror because I get it even with my life, we are very tough mirrors for each other and we grew so much since we came together. We actually had, before we got married, we went to a Donny Epstein event, he’s an incredible healer, he works with Tony Robbins. He is kind of a real life wizard when it comes to healing and transforming people. He connected our soul threads, our soul threads are connected forever and ever.

J: That’s one of my favorite quotes. I love that quote because it really does accurately describe what a soulmate level relationship is because you are there to help each other be the best and shine as much light as you possibly can while you’re here on the planet. To do that, you have to sometimes point out things that maybe you have even been completely oblivious to, then your ego is like, “I did not do that.” And then your soul is like, “Oh wait a second, hold on, we got to listen to this.” A lot of times, the mirror metaphor really is powerful if you really understand what that means. It means that, let’s say, Andrew and I are in acting and let’s say I just happen to feel this irritation or I’m feeling so irritated. Most of the times what happens is you’ll blame him, “It’s his fault because he is doing X, Y, and Z.” But really, what the mirror metaphor means is that it’s not him you need to be looking at, your irritation is coming from you, probably from some judgment, or criticism, or something that’s going on inside of you.

O: I heard this metaphor and they said, “If you squeeze an orange, you’ll get orange juice, you won’t get apple juice.” That anger is something that you squeezed out of you, it’s something that was in you already.

J: Exactly. By seeing your reactions to your interactions with your soulmate, you worry also about yourself.

O: I bet the first year, you weren’t that enlightened

J: No, not at all.

O: I was not that enlightened on my first year with Stephan. They say that there are three things, I will say they because I don’t remember where the quote is from. But they, those mysterious people out there, they say that there are three things will help you grow the most, that is having a business, having kids, and relationships. This is where you grow the most.

J: I can attest to the business and the relationship, definitely.

O: Yes, yes, yes, me too, me too. Not yet kids, hopefully soon. Pray for me. Too much information.

J: It’s so beautiful.

O: What was your first year like and how did you conquer the drama? What was the glue that held you guys together if it was so chaotic?

J: Great question. In our Five Star Relationships System that we teach, there’s five different levels of relationship. A five star relationship is the top, that’s the soulmate level relationship. The next one down is a companion level, that’s the four star. A three star relationship is roommate, two star is rival and one star is victim abuser, basically like physical violence. We were a rival relationship. Basically, even though we were highly compatible and there was some love there somewhere, most of the motivation for us getting together was that we both felt lonely and needy.

O: It’s very interesting. You see people on Facebook, you see people on stages, there are the guru, there are the teachers and it look likes everything is so perfect for them but when you really go underneath the hood, we’re just human. Andrew was this amazing guru teaching guys about dating and relationship and his own relationship, he was struggling.

J: He was just teaching dating, he was just teaching dating and social skills. We evolved later to teach the relationship stuff as we got our own relationship together. But before we met, he was just teaching dating and how to have communication skills basically to Software Engineers. He had that dating part down and he could meet people really well and he was like awesome on a date but then once the relationship starts, that’s a whole other bag of worms. Just attracting your partner is one step but then being able to sustain a quality relationship is a whole other thing. When we got together, we both had learned dating, me from trial and error and I’ve messed up so much.

O: How did you mess up your dating?

J: Like talking way too much and drinking way too much, because I had a lot of social anxiety. My dad is a self-proclaimed, at least he used to be, call himself a hermit and my mom says that she doesn’t do well socially so I didn’t have any sort of social skills coming out of my childhood. I was freaked out of my mind so I go dating, I drank too much and it was not a good idea. When I drank too much, I talk way too much. Basically, it was them just staring at me full time. That was my biggest mistake. But when Andrew and I got together, the glue was the high level of compatibility, number one. The other piece of glue was that we both were really motivated to help people, that was one of passions even though we had our own baggage to work through, still, for Andrew, he was teaching guys dating because he was really shy. Teaching social to other shy guys was kind of passion of his because it was something he had struggled with. I went into biology originally to help change the world which it wasn’t the vehicle that I ultimately doing it in but still it was something that both of us really had a lot of passion, it’s the highest level of compatibility which is your soul mission. Does your soul mission line up with really what you still called for? Ours did. That was the main glue that held us together. Even through all the dramas and all the fighting and all of the you need to be this person so I can be happy, no you need to be this person so I can be happy kind of needy clinging. Even through all of that and hurting each other’s feelings, we still knew that we were on the same path, we wanted the same things. After the first year, we had to sit down and be like, “Are we going to break up or we’re going to work on this things?” We decided to work on it. We committed to that and it didn’t get better overnight but it got better everyday, one little bit everyday, another little bit the next day until we’re at the level we are now.

O: What were you committed to, what actions did you take that improved your relationships?

J: The first action that we committed to is working on ourselves because really, a relationship is like this imaginary thing. There’s not really such a thing as a relationship, there’s two people that are interacting together and with some maybe even living together, that’s what it is. If there’s a problem with their relationship, it’s not like there’s this third entity of what a relationship is, it’s the problem with the people in it. We had to commit to working on ourselves more than anything else and taking care of our own issues. That’s the first thing we did. We didn’t try to work on our interactions with each other, we worked on ourselves.

O: What did you do to your work on yourself?

J: We tried a lot of stuff. We were actually highly unconscious, very unconscious. We both had really big egos which made it very difficult. We had a lot of pain from childhood that we’d never processed. We went through all sorts of different trainings, Tony Robbins is one of the big ones but eventually, what really helped was some spiritual teachings. The biggest person that contribute on where I am today would be Eckhart Tolle. He saved my life, if he didn’t go out there and write his books, I don’t know where I would be today because it was the only thing that could crack through my ego because all the other trainings, they’ll work but I was not in control of my ability to execute them.

O: When did you crack? What was the thing that you were reading that was the moment of epiphany?

J: It was the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle because I didn’t even know I had an ego, I didn’t even know that my ego was my problem or why I was struggling so much. When I realized that holy moly, I got this thing called an ego and it’s been sucking the life out of me and making me not improve myself and not even know it, keeping me trapped in my comfort zone, basically. I wanted out but I was not able to get out, it was like I was just treading water, not going anywhere and it was because I had a really big ego. I didn’t want to take advice from anybody because I felt so insecure, you don’t want to take feedback when you’re super wrong and insecure. I had all that stuff going on. But the book laid it out flat for me and I saw what I was doing and I saw what was going on with me.

O: You learned that you have an ego and then what did you do with that learning? Were you quieter, what changed in your interaction with Andy?

J: What changed to my interaction with him was number one, your ego is not who you are, it’s just a function of your mind and your mind is not who you are either, your soul or your consciousness. It really helped me to just identify from my ego, let’s say, okay, this is not me. I was able to see Andy, I was able to see there’s not man doing horrible things to me, there’s this man here who is suffering.

O: Oh wow, that’s a big one.

J: He’s struggling. He’s a beautiful person but the stuff that’s going on, let’s say he says something mean that I perceived as mean, that’s not him, that’s not the soul of Andrew, that’s his pain. When you’re able to look beyond your partner’s pain and their struggles and the programming they got as a child and you’re able to see the core soul of who they are, then you stop judging them, you stop getting angry at them and you’re there to support each other and help each other.

O: Right, that’s beautiful. What are some relationship tools that you teach your clients?

J: One of our favorite relationship tool is blue chinchilla, pink chinchilla. It’s something Andy and I came up with because we had a habit of interrupting each other when we were trying to talk. It was hard to express how we felt when we were having mastermind meetings or you call relationship meetings but basically you’re getting together with your mastermind partner, your soulmate and you’re working on the vision of your life together. When you’re having those discussions, you want to be able to fully express how you feel without the other person interrupting and getting in the way. Blue chinchilla, pink chinchilla basically like Andrew is blue chinchilla, I’m pink chinchilla. If I’m talking and I say pink chinchilla on, the rule is when pink chinchilla is on, blue chinchilla can never talk at all.

O: Nice. Three hours later.

J: Actually, Andrew is the one who talks more.

O: No, wow.

J: Yes. He can’t talk at all until I say pink chinchilla off then he’ll say blue chinchilla on.

O: It’s like the talking stick.

J: It is. It’s very helpful because everybody expresses themselves at different speeds. Sometimes when you’re saying something out loud for the first time, it can be really difficult and you really need to give your partner that space, that space to be able to truly communicate how they’re feeling and what’s going on inside of them and not to take it personally, that’s really another key. Don’t take what they’re saying personally. They’re telling you about what’s going on inside of them. Otherwise, you get defensive and you don’t hear. Once you’re starting to get defensive, in your head you’re like, “Yeah, but blah, blah, blah.” Your mind is coming with all these list of grievances. You’re not really listening to them now, you’re not really hearing what’s going on with them. You won’t respond from a place of love and compassion, you respond from a place of anger and bitterness.

O: We don’t want that because that’s not a good place to be and that’s not a good place to communicate with your partner from because also you may see your partner as the enemy instead of your lover and that’s not just a good place to be in. One of the things that Stephan and I are using a lot, that really, really helped us in our communication, it’s called Imago Dialogue. Have you ever heard of it?

J: I have not.

O: It’s really interesting, it’s just a more specific way of the pink chinchilla, blue chinchilla where you have a whole way to do the dialogue where you come to your partner and you’ll say, “Hey, can we do an Imago Dialogue right now?” He says yes or no. If he says no then when can we do it then you set up a time and you just ask him, “Can we start the dialogue?” Your partner’s job is to just listen, listen to exactly what you say and then repeat your words back to you. You say, “You did this and this and that.” Your partner will reflect it back to you saying, “Okay, Orion, I understand that I did this and this and that and that and this and that.” You said, “Yes, is there more?” You go, “And abcdefghihjk.” You just go on and on and then you stop and then he reflect it back to you. What’s really nice is because if you think about it, we all just want to be heard and we want to make sure that the other person understands us. When you’re done, he says, “Okay, it makes sense that you felt hurt. It makes sense that I did this and this and that.” He also says, “I can see why.” He doesn’t have to agree with you, the end result is not for him to say, “Yes, you are right or no, you are wrong.” It’s just to hear you. Just this process defuses so much anger and anxiety and miscommunication because all of a sudden you are hurt. We did a whole training around Imago Dialogue, it was really nice. There’s so many good trainings out there including yours, I love your chinchilla.

J: That’s wonderful. One of our steps, we teach eight skills to be able to have a really high quality relationship and keep it great. Communication skills is one of the ones we teach, that goes into the blue chinchilla, pink chinchilla. What I love about what you said, which completely resonates with what we teach in our communication skills section is that it’s really about accuracy when you’re communicating. You want to be able to accurately communicate how you’re feeling and then when you’re the listener, you want to be able to accurately understand where the other person is coming from instead of overlaying your own judgments and your own definitions. You want to really try to figure out, “Okay, what is she saying or what is he saying.” What’s going on with them not what do I think is going on with them. That’s what I really like about that, it really is important to accurately hear your partner.

O: It’s also true in sales process where you have to reflect to your prospect exactly what they said. You might hear it in a different way but if you reflect to them exactly the words that they said, they feel heard because those words have meaning for them. It’s so important to feel heard by your partner because you’re just talking on top of each other, it’s such a power struggle. What do you do to defuse the power struggle when it comes to two extremely alpha type competitive people like you and your partner?

J: We don’t have any power struggle now, we used to call it that we were two weak singers fighting to the mic because we’re both vocalists and musicians and so that’s what it felt like. Especially for us because we work together, we’re not just couples. We work together, we do our webinars together, we do our trainings together, we coach our clients together because we like to give them male and female perspective. A lot of times it looks like, no, I want to do the talking, no, I want to do the talking, no, I want to do the teaching kind of thing going on. The root of any power struggle is ego. When you take a step back and say, “You know what, my partner is amazing. He has so many gifts.” That’s what I think about Andrew, this is my mental dialogue now that keeps me from ever going into a power struggle. Andrew has so many gifts, I can’t wait for him to go out to the world and share his gifts with everybody. I want him to talk here, I’m encouraging him to talk, I’m encouraging him to do things. I’m responsible for getting my voice heard, he is responsible for getting his voice heard but when he comes from the place that I’m coming from too, where he thinks I’m amazing and he wants my message heard, instead of you’re trying to struggle for the mic, you’re supporting each other and you’re encouraging each other and you’re coming from a place where you’re both making sure that your partner is getting part of the stage, center stage. Does that make sense?

O: It makes complete sense. What are some more tools that helped you with this type of competitive spirit? Does he do the same monologue in his head, what is it like for him?

J: That helped in the beginning like reminding ourselves but really, it’s the personal work. It’s the working on yourself and just identifying from the need to feel significant, from the need to even compete with your partner because you’re not competing with your partner.

O: You’re a team, you’re a team.

J: Yeah, it’s like you’re a volleyball team, like a doubles volleyball team. You’re there supporting each other, those two athletes were in competition of each other, they’re not winning.

O: What do you do to work on yourself?

J: I meditate like nuts.

O: Really?

J: Oh yeah. I’m a huge proponent of meditation. It has so many benefits and it actually rewires your brain and they’ve shown that you grow gray matter. It increases your emotional control, it increases your self-awareness which helps you stop listening to those negative voices in your head which aren’t really you anyway.

O: I know that you have a meditation gift for us.

J: Yes, I do.

O: We’re going to keep it for later.

J: Meditation is the big one that has changed my life, it’s the biggest tool. Of course there are other tools like NLP, some techniques definitely work if you have some pain from your past like I had some traumas from my past of stuff that happened to me. If you can’t get off your mind, if it’s just like really, really bothering you, then there’s definitely some mental rewiring techniques that you can do. There’s so many different techniques, tapping, there’s lots of different stuff.

O: I love it.

J: I know, you could just go and tell about a million different, there’s all sorts of techniques. But for me, the one that really, really helped me the most was a tool called The Work by Byron Katie because it breaks you out of basically illogical thinking, thinking that’s causing you pain and suffering. That has been one of the biggest tools for me because it’s so fast, it’s so fast and easy. We teach it to all our clients, just in one session, you can wipe out something that’s bothered you your whole life. One of our past clients, she was in her 60’s and she was looking to gain five star relationship. She had been divorced and had not very good relationship history. One of the really big things that had been sabotaging all her relationships was her abandonment issues from her father. Her father just up and leaving her mom and her, that had caused all sorts of other issues with men because it’s just lingering there. In one session, after she tried, she went to five different therapists to work on it, just using the work, it was gone forever.

O: I love Byron Katie, I love her. I just want to do a little shout out to my husband, my lovely partner. He’s got a podcast, it’s called The Optimized Geek. He actually interviewed Byron Katie and she worked with him live on the episode. If you, listener, want to know more about this episode, go to optimizedgeek.com. The one with Byron Katie is episode number 33, optimizedgeek.com, Episode 33. Just another amazing tool for life for you. Thank you so much, Jacqualyn, for mentioning her.

J: That is so exciting, how wonderful.

O: I know.

J: I love her.

O: Yeah, she’s wonderful. You do the five questions with them and you do some NLP and hypnosis, what do you think are the main keys for everyday success in your relationship?

J: The biggest key to success in your relationship, in my opinion, is that you take personal responsibility for your own joy and happiness. The biggest issue people get in in their relationships is that they’re dependent on their partner for their positive emotions, for feeling good. But you’re the one who creates your own emotions, your emotions are an inside job, your own thoughts create your emotion.

O: On the other hand, sometimes Stephan will say to me, “You know I just want to make you happy.” I tell him, “Thank you for that. It’s not your responsibility because the only person that can make me happy is me. I’m happy to be with you but this is the cherry on top.” For me, it’s me being happy with myself and like you said, doing the work on myself, that comes first. I take care of my own happiness, nobody else can infuse happiness into me and if they do, it can be temporary, it won’t be long lasting happiness.

J: Exactly. It’s not happiness, it’s just like pleasure. It’s a temporary hit of pleasure like when you eat a donut, it tastes good and then it’s gone.

O: I like donuts.

J: I love that, that’s exactly true. You have to be your own source of joy, you have to be your own source of love because that’s the truth of how it works. Anything else is not really understanding how emotions work. You get into wanting your partner to change, wanting them to be somebody else for you instead of just enjoying and marveling at watching them be their beautiful selves.

O: People think that happiness is a thing. I’m going to be happy one day, there is this happiness thing that’s going on that other people have and I don’t, one day I’ll be happy. For me, happiness is a series of moments of happiness because we are everything and we should embrace all our emotions because without darkness, there is not light and anger and sadness and regret, shame, blame, those are just contrast to the joyful feelings. If you want to feel happy, just enjoy and be in gratitude for every little moment. If you see a child, thay look, they find a shell on the beach and they’re like, “Oh my God, it’s so beautiful.” They’re so happy about it, there’s such gratitude and awe and bliss just because they found that little thing. We need to awaken that inner child that explores, the one that really wants to enjoy life, we need to taste life, we need to really feel alive. In order to feel alive, we want to have that intention of feeling alive. What’s your definition of happiness?

J: Feeling good. Emotions are just a series of chemicals in your body, happiness is one set of chemicals, anger is another set of chemicals that you release into your body. It’s what you focus on, just like what you said with the child and the shell. The child is finding all sorts of ways, they’re looking for ways to be happy, they’re looking for things to marvel at. As adults, a lot of times, you can get in the mental habit of just focusing on everything that’s horrible and wrong with your life. When you allow your mind to go in that direction, then you’re not going to feel happy. But if you intentionally seek out the good and seek out the joy and seek out the beauty and look at that shell and detail and realize, “Man, this little creature had to live and they had to live their whole life and they created the shell and now it’s here for me to see and look at.” When you marvel at stuff like that and choose those thoughts, that’s what creates happiness, it’s what makes you feel good.

O: When you’re happy, guess what, you’re a better partner for sure. When you’re happy, you look at the other person and the little annoying things that they do, it doesn’t really annoy you because you’re feeling so great it doesn’t even bother you, you don’t even see it. It’s when you’re feeling not that great, when you’re feeling not strong then you look for some kind of outside satisfaction. If you don’t get it then he’s wrong, she’s wrong, everybody else are bad.

J: Exactly. We have to create it for ourselves, that’s the only way to have it, that’s how it works. It’s like the truth, it’s a fact because seeking it outside of yourself, if you’re waiting for yourself to get a certain life or certain accomplishments, you’re just withholding it, you could have it now.

O: I want to circle back to the beginning of our conversation, I want to go to dating and finding the right one because I know this is a question that many of your clients ask you. Before I get into this whole interesting roller coaster of relationship, how do I get somebody to go on the ride with me?

J: It’s really an important question. It’s actually the question, how do I pick the right one? Who’s the right person for me? How do I make that decision? That is the biggest question that we have to answer in our lives other than do I want children? That would be the next biggest question. What happens is that I don’t know about you but I’m sure I wasn’t taught how to answer that question, I was just dumped out there, good luck.

O: Just look the part and do what they do in the movies and you’ll be fine.

J: Exactly. The biggest issue is that no one actually knows what compatibility factors to be looking for. The key with being able to pick the right partner for you that’s going to last a lifetime is to know what to look for, to actually get well education and know what are the important things in terms of having a relationship that last a lifetime and what things are less important. For example, one of the compatibility factors is, we teach six to them, the bottom one, the sixth one, the least important one is physical attraction, physical compatibility. The reason why it’s the least important is because our bodies fade and change, we’re not going to stay the same, we’re not going to look the same, that’s going to change. If there is nothing deeper than that, if there is no other levels of compatibility then what do you got? You got nothing. Most people are programmed culturally especially in the US, “Oh I want the hot chick.” “I want the guy with the six pack and he’s six foot tall.” They’re focused primarily on compatibility factors that are the least important in terms of are you going to last forever, are you going to last your whole life? I talked about it earlier but the most important was your soul mission which what Andrew and I had in common because we both wanted to help people. That deep level of compatibility, of really wanting the same kind of life, being similar way that we like to express ourselves was what allowed us to get through the hard times.

O: Is your six compatibility scale or ladder, does that mean physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, what are they?

J: The bottom level, which is the least important to most important. It’s important in terms of your ability to last a lifetime, not to partway through. The bottom one is physical compatibility, that is your physical attraction but it also goes into sexual compatibility which is important. I’m not saying they’re not important, they wouldn’t be on the list if they were not important. They are important but they’re not the most important. Then there is the next level up which is emotional compatibility, do you generally feel the same way about things? Andrew and I, we would cry at the same movies, we will laugh at the same things. You just have that same emotional sense about life and how you respond. The next level up are your life goals, are the things that you want to do and explore in this world compatible? Some people, they’re not. Let’s say one person loves travelling and the other person is like, “Oh no, I ain’t travelling at all.” You’re not going to be compatible because they won’t completely set their lives. The level up after that is core values, what are your core values in life, what’s really important to you. Is love important to you, or is fun more important to you, or is sports important to you? What is important to you on that level of how you want to live your life because compatibility skills are really about what kind of life you want to live here, what kind of person do you want to show up as. I don’t remember what number I’m at.

O: I don’t know, it was all interesting.

J: We have values, I can’t remember if I got all five. The top one is your soul mission, your individual soul mission. What’s your big calling that you feel as really, really important to you, it’s the thing for you. An issue that people don’t know a lot of this stuff about themselves, they don’t know what even kind of life they want to live, they’re just going out there to fill a void.

O: You have to have really amazing clarity on your goals. You want to be specific because if not, it’s like driving somewhere with no destination. When you know the destination, you can reach it but if not, you’re just on cruise control, no direction. It’s true in business and it’s true in love, it’s true in every other area in your life. People don’t put enough attention to planning their relationship and thinking about their goals and get clarity and go deep and figure out what energy they’re running, what story they are running and how they are connected or disconnected from their egos or their understanding of what ego is.

J: Exactly. If you don’t know who you are, if you don’t know what you want out of life, you’re completely incapable of choosing the right partner because you don’t know what you’re looking for.

O: You’re just wasting years with the wrong person. Also, people think that they don’t deserve the right relationship or they’re not good enough to have the right person and then sometimes they will stay with the wrong person for a long time just not to be alone. What do you have to say to those people?

J: I would say that you’re already alone because you’re not connected to that person, might as well leave them because you’re already alone, you’re already experiencing that thing that you’re scared of. Loneliness, by the way, increases your chance of death more than obesity, you’re more likely to die prematurely from loneliness than obesity. That’s a serious deal.

O: That’s why they recommend old people to have a pet, not to be lonely. But you totally can get a good partner in your life if you just open you heart for love.

J: You have to get out of those mental stories in your mind. The reality is, if you’re willing to settle, you don’t value yourself, you don’t value this journey that you’re on. If you want to get out of a bad situation, you got to start feeling like your life matters here. Tony Robbins says, “You have to associate to the pain.” How much pain you are in versus how much pleasure could you get if you leave, pain and pleasure is a lot out of the motivation why people stay in the situation, it’s because they perceive that there’s going to be more pain when they leave versus the current pain they’re in. It’s like the devil you know versus the devil you don’t. Pain and pleasure is a great tool to use if you’re in one of those situations. Write out a list, what is it currently costing me to be in this relationship? What pain am I currently experiencing? What pleasure will I get if I leave?

O: I would add to that, that you might want to do two lists because sometimes if you do the list when you’re really angry, the negative might be more than the positive, you make another list where you’re just feeling normal, you’re not angry, you’re not sad, just make those two lists. If in your everyday state, you feel that the list of the negative is bigger, you owe it to yourself to get out of this relationship.

J: Exactly, you want to be in the right frame of mind, you don’t want to be emotionally distraught because then you’re not really thinking quite straight. That’s a really great tip.

O: Talking about tips, it’s a beautiful segway to my next question, what are your three tips to living a Stellar Life?

J: I like it. One, you don’t have a life, you are life. You are the life animating your body. If you want a beautiful external world, you have to work on your internal world. You can’t have a beautiful life unless you work on the life that you are, that would be number one. Number two would be the biggest issue I see people having on this planet is that they think they are their bodies, they think they are their mind, they think they are all the beliefs and junk they’ve collected over the years in their mind that whispers to them that they’re not enough. Recognizing and realizing you’re not those voices, you’re not the stuff that happened to you in your past, you’re an infinite being. You have infinite possibility here, you can do whatever you want, just stop listening to the little nagging voices in your head that tell you can’t, they’re lying. That would be my second one. Number three would be you got to live authentically even if some people don’t like that. Would you rather live a life where you’re 100% you and you have some awesome people in there that really love you and there’s also some people that don’t and you just ignore them or would you like to wear a mask your whole life and have no one know you? To me, a life lived authentically is the only way to go, otherwise I’m the only one who knows who I am and I’m just a mask to everyone else.

O: It’s so powerful. Thank you for sharing that. Before we leave, I know that you have a gift for our listeners. I’m so excited, I haven’t listened to it yet but I am going to because I’m creating my own meditations right now as well. I have created meditations in the past, it’s going to be so nice to hear yours. I’ve never listened to other people’s love meditations before, this is going to be such a nice treat to our listeners.

J: It’s a Morning Love Meditation, I created it to help you fill yourself up with love at the beginning of the day before you jump into the rest of what you’re doing. You want to do this before you start getting ready. Take 20 minutes, dedicated it to yourself, make yourself the priority in your life and this will help you fill yourself up so that you can go throughout your day on from a place of love. Decisions made from love, doing your work from a place where you’re full of love, you’re going to just do a better job at everything. Your life is going to be filled way more amazing than you could ever imagine.

O: Amazing. Where could people get it?

J: That Morning Love Meditation is at andrewandjacqualyn.com/p/morninglovemeditation.

O: Wonderful. If you can’t remember the link right now, it’s going to be posted in the show notes. Don’t worry, it’s going to be there forever and ever. As long as Stellar Life is alive, you can get this amazing meditation. Just go and click on the episode and check out the show notes. Check out the show notes regardless because I have so much good stuff there, you must. You can also get a checklist with actionable items from the episode. Thank you so much. Where else can people find you, what’s your website again?

J: It’s andrewandjacqualyn.com.

O: Wonderful. Jacqualyn, thank you so much. I really enjoyed this interview and I’m sure our listeners did too.

J: Thank you so much, Orion. You are a beautiful, wonderful soul. I’m really glad that I’ve gotten to meet you and spend this time with you.

O: Thank you. Thank you for joining me on my mission to light people up and change life around the world. I hope today’s conversation inspires you to step up, go after the life of your dreams, and be who you want to be. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to go stellarlifepodcast.com for show notes, transcript, and other cool stuff. Please subscribe, review, and help spread the word by sharing us on Facebook and Twitter. Have a lovely day and I’ll catch you on the next episode.