Jaiya: Discover Your Desires Through Your Sexual Blueprint

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O: Hi and welcome to another stellar episode. I am your host, Orion. I have a sex Goddess on the show today, Ms. Jaiya. Jaiya is an award-winning sexologist, author of four books and creator of Ignite Your Passion. She’s committed to helping people create both deep love and hot, juicy passion. You may have seen her on Anderson Cooper, VH1, Good Morning America and Nightline. She’s blazing a path for authentic sexuality that helps you unleash your personal power. Jaiya, welcome.

J: Hello.

O: Hello.

J: I love being called a sex Goddess, I just have to say.

O: You are. If there is somebody that I know that is a sex Goddess, that’s you. Seriously, I’ve never seen anybody so juicy.

J: Yay.

O: Yeah. Seriously amazing and beautiful, beautiful heart, beautiful soul, very giving, very loving, which makes it all so perfect.

J: Thank you.

O: I’m very honored to have you here. I want to start with … By the way, listeners, this is … we’re going to talk about sex today, so if you’re offended by sex, if you’re scared by sex, you should stay. You should definitely listen because she’s got some pearls of wisdom. She’s got knowledge that not too many people know of and it can make the world a better place if everybody would know what she’s got to teach.

J: Thank you.

O: Let’s start. What is the difference between homemade sex and porn sex?

J: That is a fabulous, fabulous question and something I was actually thinking about this morning. I’ll tell a quick story. One of the big things that I realized in my own sex life … because I’ve never really been anti-porn. I just wanted to say that, I’m not an anti-porn person. I think that there can be good uses. I know a lot of people in the industry. However, we have an age where sex is easy through technology. My partner, Ian, he would do a lot of … When he had a sexual urge, he would go to the computer instead of coming to me and that was a big problem in our relationship. We didn’t realize how much of a problem it was until I said to him, “You know what? Why don’t you do a fast? Why don’t you do thirty days with no porn and when you have sexual desire, come up. Come get me. Come ravish me instead of going to the computer,” which to him, he thought was easy.

We found out it wasn’t so easy because it was making problems in our relationship, so I just want to preface this with all of that little story there of how this can affect you. Porn does affect your brain. It affects how you relate to people and there have been lots of studies on this. That said, porn sex is very different from real sex or what we do in our everyday bedrooms. The issue that it poses is that we get our sex education a lot of times from porn because we don’t have anywhere else to see sex, to really learn about sex necessarily. It’s an easy access and it’s a lot of people’s first experience of seeing or learning anything about sex, so we watch porn to see what to do. However, being a person who’s filmed sex education videos and has known a lot of people who are in the industry and been inside the industry, I will tell you that it is performance sex.

The biggest difference is that, in order to get my camera into a place that’s very small and very hidden, I have to make sure that the actors are open in a certain way, so I’m going to have him turn his head and she’s going to spread her legs way open and he’s going to kind of get the tip of his tongue in there to give oral sex and that’s not really great oral sex. Great oral sex is when your face is in there and you can’t see anything, so that’s one big difference. It’s a performance and you have to realize that these are performers who are having to take into account camera angle and getting things into small spaces. There’s point of view porn, which is where it’s from her point of view, but again, it’s a performance and it’s a camera angle.

The second big point I want to say is about erection, because I think a lot of men … I know you have a lot of female listeners …. but there are still a lot of men who have a lot of insecurity. It’s like us with women’s magazines. We get body image stuff because we look at women’s magazines. Men have it just as bad and a lot of the body image stuff comes from porn and it comes from, “I need to have a big penis in order to please her,” and I tell a lot of guys, “Hey guys, size doesn’t matter, it’s angle and arousal. You got to get her really aroused and you got to get the right angle because the way our anatomy is needs a good angle.” They are so obsessed with their size because a lot of time the penises in porn are bigger.

The other thing is insecurity about their erections, they feel like they have to be hard all the time. What porn teaches is that the guy is always hard and he’s always ready and I think this is a myth we have to break down with women as men are not so simple and men’s arousal ebbs and flows. It’s supposed to, but we don’t see that because they edit it out. I’ve been there. I’ve seen it. As soon as the guy gets off, they stop the cameras. They just edit that part out of the video, if that’s happening. He gets himself hard again and then they go back into the scene. What you’re seeing is an artificial portrayal of sex where the guy is always hard, his penis is always a certain way, the woman is always responding, so on the women’s end, she’s responding with these artificial sounds and artificial movements which actually do something to the brain. They do something to the male brain and that is not good. Real sounds … If you’re getting porn that’s real, that’s authentic, that’s a little different but most of it is inauthentic and there’s not true arousal happening in female bodies. We don’t actually see women in full out, aroused, engorged pleasure that’s authentic and that’s hurting us. That is not real sex.

I would say the majority of bedrooms around the world are not getting aroused in full engorgement and having that experience, so we have to get that into our bedrooms. I’d love to see it in our erotica that we’re watching because so many people are learning from it. There’s a couple difference there but I could go on about this topic, this could be the whole show.

O: I think this show should be at least a month long, just to get a little bit of your knowledge but moving on. Actually before we move on, I saw a slightly disturbing but really hilarious viral video on Facebook and it was a little parrot that was exposed to porn. It was about five minutes of the parrot noises like, “Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!” and actually doing grinding movements. Like, oh poor parr … If it affects a little animal like that it can affect, you know …

J: So, that was real, it wasn’t like a cartoon parrot? I imagine the cartoon parrot.

O: No, it was a real parrot. It was crazy. I’m going to send you that video. It’s going to be in the show notes.

J: Wow. That is really interesting and then, there you go. We have 76% of women fake orgasm and pleasure and this is a huge disservice. We’re faking it and taking it instead of really giving feedback to the men. Ladies these men want your feedback and I know we’re so afraid of criticizing them, but we can do it in a way that really feeds them and doing it in a way that like, “Oh my God, that was so hot.” If you really praised them and then you give them a request, “I would just, I would get so wet if you … ” You speak to them in like … speak to them from a place of arousal you’re going to get what you want. They want our feedback, they want to know how to please us, they just want to make us happy. They really, really do, the majority of them. I’ve polled men, so I know this, this is like research here that I poll all these men and they literally, almost every one of them says, “I just want to make her happy, I want to make her happier, I want to satisfy her.”

They want to satisfy us and so we have to start giving them honest feedback and sometimes they’ll resist, the guys don’t want to hear like, “You suck in bed.” Don’t say that to them. Sometimes they’ll resist, they will be like, “All my other girlfriends were fine.” Yeah, because 76% of women fake it and they make poor noises because they think that that’s what they’re supposed to do, or they lay there just completely shut off and dead and just sort of like can’t wait til it is over with and that’s not the way to do it either. We have to start communicating.

O: Right. Can you give a little bit of example on how to communicate. Like what’s a bad communication versus what’s a good communication?

J: Bad communication is, “You’re doing it wrong,” “Ouch that hurts, Stop,” that’s bad communication or “Just just do it harder.” Just like, “I tell you all the time to do it softer, why are you not going slower?” Like, “I told you a thousand times to use lubricant.” Those are not ways to create more connection, those are really … and this is what I see happen every day in my office, you start bringing up stuff from the past, those are not good ways to communicate. The best way to communicate, is to communicate with what we call the praise carrot praise cycle and what we do here is, we first praise, so we give what is right and even if nothing’s right and he’s just touching you, that’s what’s right or it’s like we’re spending intimate time together, that’s what’s right. You can always find something that’s right. Start there “Gosh, I love that you’re touching me, I love that we’re spending this time together.” Then the easiest thing is to, instead of giving him a carrot, give him our request. I’ll talk about the carrot in a bit but I want to give a really simple version of this first.

The request is, “Hun, I would love it if you did that 100% slower, slower, Oh my God, that’s so good.” So now you do the praise again when he gets it slower, you praise him. “Oh my God that’s so good, thank you so much for going that slow. That’s exactly what I want. That makes me so happy.” Tell him what it provides for you, “That’s providing me tingles all down my arms, it’s really turning me on,” whatever it’s giving you. Men really want to hear that they’re helping and they’re providing. That’s a simple version, so it’s praise-request-praise. A praise requests praise cycle. If you want to add the carrots, this can get a little tricky because it can feel inauthentic, so, I want to make sure it comes from an authentic place, but the carrot is what will happen if he does your request, so you praise him, “Oh my gosh, I’m so glad that we’re touching and we’re here together and this is really amazing and my pussy would get so wet.” Can I say pussy on your show?

O: You can say whatever you want.

J: “And I would get so wet if …” So there’s your carrot, I would get so wet if, I would want you inside me if, I would feel so connected to you if, you want to speak in his language and this goes into something deeper which we can talk about, which are blueprints. So you actually speak to whatever his blueprint is. I would get so turned on if you, and then give the request to that, “Really slowly with the tips of your finger tips down my arm, like a light feathery touch on the skin. Oh my God that’s so good, that feels so awesome, thank you so much, that’s amazing, that’s exactly what I want, you can do that all over my body.”

O: I don’t think that guys will think it’s fake most of the time because …If women fake orgasms and they believe it, why won’t they believe …

J: Exactly. Even your vocal tone is a way of communicating, your body language is a way of communicating, so what are you communicating. Like when I started doing that, like, “Oh my God, I feel so good.” I got more breath in my voice, you can add more melody to your voice. “Oh my God, that feels feel so good,” so that you’re not just like, “That feels good, thanks.”

O: That’s great, awesome.

J: That’s great. Do that slower. It’s also your tone and the energy, make the words come from your genitals, make the words come from your heart and then you’ve got a much deeper level of communication that he really feels.

O: I took some voice lessons and actually some of the tones do come from the genitals. They actually told you to sing from there.

J: I had a voice teacher, his name was Master Bates, it was perfect.

O: That’s another story. Interesting.

J: It was breathing out of our anuses while we sang. It was fun.

O: Let’s talk about blueprints. That was a revelation for me and actually gave me so much freedom and relief just to know them and let’s share that. The sexual blueprints is something that you came up with, right?

J: Yes. I had many years working with clients one on one in my office. I have a specialized license because I’m a somatic sexologist. What that means is that I get to do much more hands on work. Spending a lot of time with bodies, I started noticing these different arousal or erotic types appearing over time. People always wanted to know, what type am I? and that became this big piece of my business, is people just coming to me going, “What type am I, my friend came and now I want to know.” I think I sort of became like this … figuring out some of the erotic type so that they could get more sexual satisfaction and arousal happening. I noticed four types right off the bat. These first four were really easy … actually three types, right off the bat. The first three were really easy and then two came a little bit later in my practice as I was like, “Hmm, this person is an anomaly, this person is kind of an outlier,” and noticed, oh well, there’s two other types that I’m not taking into account here and so the two latter ones came later. Would you like me to run through them and maybe people can figure out what their type is as they’re listening?

O: Let’s do it.

J: All right. The first one is energetic and I’m going to give you the very cliff notes version of this, so just know it’s very it’s a much deeper system. The energetic is turned on by arousal, tease, anticipation and space. If it were a language, they would be like a beautiful Japanese or a Chinese, like a calligraphy, just gorgeous, flowing, hmm, just lots of energy and heart to them. They’re very turned on by light touch, slow touch, feeling very safe, things like Tantric sex or dollar’s sexuality, they’re going to get more into sacred sexuality, they’re going to want this beautiful sacred space in their sexual expression. Their shadow, or problem area is that they oftentimes get a little short circuited, because they’re very very sensitive. I get a lot of energetics that say, I can’t feel anything and it’s because they’ve numbed out due to being just oversensitive. If you go to their clitoris or you go to penetration too quick too fast, they short circuit, they shut off, they’re done. They’re kind of faking it and taking it, laying there wishing it was over. So that that’s a that’s a problem side of the energetic.

Another problem is going to hierarchical meaning … And I was there, boy I am an energetic, so my deep core is energetic. My hierarchy said, Oh, that porn sucks its base, that’s not good, that’s not sacred, mine is better than yours and all sacred sexuality is better than any other kind of sexuality. So there’s this, “I’m better than you,” kind of high horse thing that can go on with an energetic. Then the next one is sensual and the sensual is turned on by all of their senses being ignited; tastes, smells, beauty, they really want beauty and they bring beauty into a sensual sexual space. They are positives in the way that they are fed, they love candles, romance, music, bathtub time, massage, full body touch. Their shadow side, stuck in their head, can’t get into their body. Their mind is running, their monkey mind is running a hundred miles an hour and they need to have toggle, so things that can help them transition into sexual time, they need to relax and were to have sex.

The next type is the sexual. The sexual is turned on plain by sex, they love penetration, they love nudity, they love just having fun in bed and that’s one of the great things about them is that they are really fun in bed. Whereas an energetic is like a beautiful Japanese, a sensual like a French, the sexual is like an American English. They’re pretty simple and I don’t mean simple in that you can avoid playing in their blueprint, I mean simple in that they’re pretty straight forward, like X to Z to Y, I’m good. So they love getting right to intercourse, they love having orgasm, they love having ejaculation. The shadow side of the sexual is that they, because they like to go from point A to Point B, It leaves out all the other blueprints. They are a straight line, all the other blueprints have curves and zags and zigs and ups and downs. This one’s in a straight line. That straight line sometimes is not so fulfilling for everyone else and so they have a little bit of, sometimes selfishness to them like, “I just want to get from point A to Point B and be done.” Also, if there’s not erection and there’s not orgasm then there’s no sex. Their definition and their sexualities can be very limited and they can only get to the end goal instead of experiencing the whole journey that there is to be unfolded.

Then there is the kinky. The kinky are turned on by their taboos. Taboo is whatever taboo for you, that could be sex out of a missionary position, that could be playing with whips and chains and ropes and going fifty shades. Now, Kinky is like a Persian, it’s exotic. It has an exotic flavor to it. And there’s two different kinds of kinkys. There’s the psychological kinky, which is turned on more by the context of the situation, the frame, the container, the power play, games and then there’s an impact kinky which is someone who’s more turned on by the feelings and sensation so it’s more of a sensation kinky. They are turned on the impact, they’re turned on by the ropes on their skin, they’re turned on by spanking, they’re turned on by more of the sensation aspect than the psychological. Then there’s people who have elements of both. Kinky positive, they are highly creative, they are very fun in that it’s a never ending exploration, you can explore that world of kinky for a long long time. When they’re out of their shame box, they’re really good at communication, they’re one of the better blueprints out really saying what they need, what they want, what they desire and actually research shows that people with a kinky mindset are healthier psychologically than people who aren’t. For whatever that’s worth, I know there’s a lot of myths around kink and so I really want to break those down.

Then the shadow side, shame. A lot of times is because they desire taboo and sex. They have a lot of shame about their sexuality. The other piece is having a fetish that may become their only route to turn on. An example might be, if the only way that you’re turned on is by wearing a yellow raincoat, then that could be a problem if you’re a single guy dating and you have to bring out the yellow raincoat every time you start having a sexual experience because you can’t get an erection otherwise. That becomes a rut which becomes a grave and we have to find other pathways to arousal. That’s the kinky.

Then there’s one final one which is a shape shifter and the shape shifter is someone who is turned on by all of that. They speak every language, they’re very fluent in it. Positive sides, they are great lovers because they can do everything. They love exploring there. They have endless exploration and creativity. They can shape shift and mold into any blueprints and whoever they’re with is going to be more pleased. There are there are those of them who are very developed, are mastery level players. The shadow side is that their shape shifting into whatever everybody else wants and they never have their own sexuality satisfied. They can be so hungry because they haven’t been fed for a really long time. It’s literally like they’re just starving and they’re in starvation and they can’t figure out their sexuality, it’s like, “I don’t know who I am sexually, I don’t know what turns me on.” They get into an ‘I don’t know place’ and a lot of shut down. Then there’s the shapeshifter shadow person who is just all the shadows of everything. Boy, that one’s a really … I will say about is a really tough place to be, you can get out of it but it’s a tough place to be.

O: That gave me goosebumps. Horrible. I think one thing that you didn’t mention is the shadow side of the sensual.

J: Oh yeah. The shadow side of sensual is being stuck in your head and you can’t get in your body-and then another piece of the shadow of the sensual, sometimes they don’t like messes and they can seem very critical. They’re the most likely to be critical like, “That’s not right, this isn’t right,” and they’re in their head thinking about what’s not right and then they start getting angry and resentful and then they start blurting out everything that’s not right and what needs to be done. They can seem like they’re demanding and critical and judgmental and it’s just that they notice everything that’s wrong in a room all the time. My partner is a sensual, a sensual kinky and he will get up in the middle of us having sex to go fix the music and it drives me bonkers because my energetics’ like, “Ohh, you just pulled the energy cords out of my body, you just left me here. I was in the middle of like an energetic whatever,” and he’s like jumping up to go change the music I’m like, “Ahh!” But I understand, he cannot focus and he cannot concentrate because he’s like, that song is wrong. I need a different mood, the volume is too loud, whatever.

He cannot be present with me and so I realize that in order for him to be able to really be with me, which is what ultimately I want as an energetic, I want his full presence and there with me and his full attention on me, his jumping up and fixing the music is just going to help our sexual experience even though if I hadn’t understood his blueprint I be mad at him like, “What the hell are you doing?”

O: Just like the idea that opposites attract, It’s the same with the blueprints. We usually attract people that are not in our blueprints.

J: Absolutely. I’m an energetic sexual and my partner is a sensual kinky. We pretty much have those equally, like I used to be nothing but energetic. But since being with my partner Ian, my sexual side has come out a lot more and I think because of the work that I do, I just want things to be simple. I don’t want to have to like spend time turning my partner on, because I’m working with people’s bodies all day long. It’s the cobbler’s shoes thing and you know, I made shoes all day I don’t want to make more shoes at night at home. I’ll just go to him and go, “Hey, you want to have sex tonight?” And he hates that, because I initiate from a sexual blueprint, he hates it. He wants me to like come up behind him and rub his shoulder, pour him a bath, give him foot massage and rub on his body and do all this very sensual, like make sure the room is all set up kind of stuff and you know it is very interesting. I’ve been working more and being more sensual with him and he’s working on being more sexual with me and just being like, “Okay, yeah, we’re going to have sex tonight. I’m good. I have my certainty, I’m all good.”

O: That’s good but we all have all blueprints inside of us, right?

J: Yes. We all have aspects of each of these blueprints. There’s just one that’s usually like your core way, that’s the way that starts your arousal. Your core, and the type that you are, is the way that you least get your arousal going and we all have a blueprint stack in us and that’s a pretty complicated, complex thing to get into here but basically the way your arousal stacks. Mine is energetic sexual sensual kinky, My partner stack is kinky or sensual, we can start either way and then that will go into sexual and then energetic last. So we’re almost absolutely the opposite in the way that we stack as well and that’s really important to know because if you don’t if you start sexual and your partner isn’t energetic that’s going to just short circuit them and shut them off as opposed to really building their arousal.

O: Can you elaborate a little bit more about the stacking.

J: Sure.

O: How do we stack, how do we know what to stack?

J: The really important thing first is to find out what is your core blueprint and the way that you discover that, I have a game called the AB game and you literally just go through the body with different kinds of touch and you say here’s touch A, here’s touch B, which one you prefer and you find your preferences. If you like really light hovering touch, do you like deep sensual touch, do you like being slapped or scratched, what do you really love and that’s going to tell you where to begin. Starting there, what’s my one, my core type and you can also find … I have a quiz online, so if you go to missjaiya.com, you can click on the banner at the top there and fill out the quiz and that’s also going to help you determine what your blueprint is.

O: That’s great, missjaiya.com?

J: Jaiya is spelled J-A-I-Y-A. if you go there you can take the quiz, find out what your blueprint is and then from there you want to figure out well, what’s next like what if energetic is my first-what’s my next one that I’m going to go to. For me and my body, as soon as my energetic is ignited and I feel safe and I feel like I’ve had some energy play, maybe some eye gazing, some breath play. My sexual turns on instantly and I want to be penetrated. I want it in there, right away and so I know I go from energetic to sexual very quickly and then I want to go right into intercourse, but as soon as we start going sexual my energetic and sexual have a little fight and I have to go back to energetic a little bit and slow down and the penetration has to then go to energetic again where it’s slow, light, almost like he’s penetrating me with his energy before he gets to full penetration and then my sensual starts to hurt, starts to kick in and what happens for me oftentimes, is my sensual shadow will kick in, before my sensual sensual kicks in.

Which is where my mind starts going, my mind starts to go, “oh, blah blah blah, that techniques really good, I should remember that for later,” and “Well, now I know how so and so feels, the partner doesn’t use lube” My mind just starts to do its thing and so I know I need to be brought back with sensation. So he’ll, maybe he’ll slap my feet or he’ll scratch my leg and that sensation then leads into the kinky. The kinky helps keep me present, I use the kinky blueprint as more of a way of like, keep me present or maybe sometimes he’ll talk really naughty to me like in a kinky blueprint of saying something like, “I’m just going to use you,” something like that but that keeps me present and just moves me out of that sensual shadow that I tend to fall into. It’s just really important for you to know how you move through these blueprints and that’s how we learn about the stacking, one does noticing, what do you do naturally and two bring consciousness to these different levels and layers and and types that are within your body because it’s really happening in your body.

Your body doesn’t lie, your mind can tell you lies all day long but your body in the way it responds and reacts doesn’t lie and if you find that nothing’s working, nothing’s reacting, you may be a shapeshifter shadow or a shapeshifter who’s just not being turned on.

O: If you listeners got a little confused, I highly recommend just taking a workshop with Jaiya because everything makes sense and you actually embody that and you learn so much about yourself and it can completely change the game for you, change your sex life forever and ever.

J: Yeah, I have good news too, Orion because I will be doing a whole course on these blueprints. I’ve had so many people ask me, “Do you have a book on the these? Do have something on this?” I’m working on it. It’s coming, maybe this fall but it’s coming.

O: Hooray! Congratulations.

J: Thank you.

O: So the movie Fifty Shades of Grey was a big hit, people loved it and when I watched it, I enjoyed it but at the end what I didn’t like is that they made their kink person … They kind of psycho-analyzed him.

J: Fifty Shades of Grey?

O: Yeah. He’s got all these desires and it’s because he was abused in this childhood, etc etc and so people leave the movie theater and they go and they buy whips and chains. They don’t know how to use them or what to do and they end up hurting each other and they also leave with some kind of, “Something is fucked up with me because I like kink.”

J: It’s a huge myth that something has to … and that’s my big peeve about it as well and if you read all three books, it’s also a big peeve that she changes him in the end, he’s like eating popsicles in the sun without her kids. I’m sorry I just give the book away. Spoiler alert. It’s just that those are things that bothered me and there’s a lot about Fifty Shades I could break down but the big thing I’d say is, the research that leads to, nobody’s messed up if they like kink, they actually took it out of the psychology illnesses and the manual there, they no longer treat it as an illness, it’s not something they found … you’re actually more psychologically sound in many cases if you like kink, so the research is pointing to the opposite. My partner being a huge kinky. He is a big kinky and like some pretty edgy stuff that even I … it’s like my edges and I’m a sexologist. He has no abuse history, he has nothing in his. We kept asking why, why does he like this?

That was a big question for the beginning when I was doing research for my book he just kept quiet, why am I so into this I don’t understand, it’s so weird and he just couldn’t get why and I remember just searching, searching, searching, I wrote a whole chapter on this, the very first chapter in my book opens with this and at the end of the chapter we are at this dominance house and the dominant looks at me because we’re asking him why, why does this turn him on? Because the dominant, it’s his whole world is … he has a shirt that says crying is not a safe word. He’s hard core and he says why don’t you guys just stop asking why and start enjoying it and we had our best scene that night when both of us just stopped going, why is he into this and just started going like, well it’s kind of cool that he’s into this, because we have an awesome pathway to his arousal.

I saw arousal out of him that I had never seen before. He was just so into it and I’m just like, “All right, I guess I’m just going to learn and dive in because this is one of his greatest pathways to pleasure and arousal and enjoying me and all kinds of things.” We just stopped asking why and started accepting that this is okay, and this is pleasurable and let’s get some education around it, because even as a sexologist it was an area I didn’t have a lot of education about when my publisher asked me to write a book on it. I knew some things but not enough to write a book and so I started studying with all these dominatrix and dominants and playing in the world and learning everything I could, and safety is a big big thing. They didn’t really go into safety in Fifty Shades of course and so people just go get some handcuffs and think they know what they’re doing because they saw Fifty Shades. It’s like porn, I was like, Okay, I watch the porn now, I know how to give oral sex and I’m turning my head to the side forcing her legs open all wide and expecting her to do what the girls in porn do and it’s not working and I wonder what’s wrong.”

It’s because you can’t do what you see in movies, you got to go get an education and most people do not have access to great sexual education or great modeling of what to do in these instances. Part of why I do what I do is because I’m somewhat appalled by what people do in their bedrooms and hurt themselves especially with kink, you just have to be safe, safety first.

O: I love that. Stop asking why. Why am I like that. Such a good metaphor for life in general. It goes back to shame and judgment and nobody asked themselves … I bet the energetics never asked themselves why am I energetic. Why am I still spiritual.

J: The kinkys do believe me and the shapeshifter some what too. Like, “Why am I so messed up like the shapeshifter shadows?” The sensuals will say, “Why am I so stuck in my head? I don’t understand why I’m like this. Why am I so critical?” It’s more of when you get into the shadow areas the people start to ask those questions.

O: Let’s talk sex labs, which is a new term for me that I learned from you and it’s extraordinary. Can you tell us a little bit about it.

J: Sure. A sex lab has five parts and I start with a hypothesis, so a hypothesis might be, “This is total sex geekery for those of you who are in the geekery. I am a huge sex geek, so this is my geekery coming out. The hypothesis is when you say, “What’s going to happen in my experiments? If I play with my clitoris for the next twenty minutes, I think I’m going to get turned on.” That could be your hypothesis or, “If I play with my partner’s body in a very sensual way, I’ll see if he’s a sensual blueprint.” This could be also a lab, could be a way of testing out a blueprint. The big importance between a lab and stacks, is that a lab is a learning time or discovery time, whereas sex is, you’re just having sex.

O: And you schedule it. Right?

J: Yeah. We schedule labs, we put them … I usually have one a week with my partner where we put them in and then we just have fun exploring whatever we want to explore. When I used to have my podcast, we would explore whatever the guest talked about that day. If the guest was oral sex, then we explore that. Whatever they had done, we just decided, “Well, we’re going to learn together and learn whatever they did.” Which is great because I got to take the things we talked about into the body, which I think is really important. We can talk about this stuff all day long again, your mind can get it but if you don’t do the practices, you don’t get them in your body and you don’t get muscle memory and somatic experience of what’s happening.

O: How long are they?

J: So that’s the next piece, which is duration. We have our hypothesis first then we set duration and duration is, “I’m going to do thirty minutes,” or “I’m going to do an hour, this is going to be a weekend.” or whatever you want to set for your sex life. We usually set aside an hour to do a lab, that gives us plenty of time and it also gives us time that if we decide after our lab that we want to have sex that we can.

O: So you don’t have sex?

J: No. If the lab is about having sex you-if it’s about sexual positions or something like that, then we may experiment or explore with that, but the the sex acts like the container, I think is really important to hold, so if you’re going to do a lab, just be clear like,”This is the end of the lab now, we are making out. Now we’re going forward.” So there’s duration, there’s a checklist that you need, like what are the things you need to do the experiments, do you need a massage table, do you need oils, do you need lubricants. Like I just gave a client of mine a lubricant lab and I told her, go out and get these six different kinds of lubricants and you’re going to play with each one of them on your body and so you need hot towels, so you can wipe off the previous lubricant, you’re going to need hot wet towels, you’re going to need your six different kinds of lubricants, your bed and then undistracted space where you can explore which lubricants felt best on your body, on your genitals. And so she’s going to do a lab and that would be a lab where she’s discovering, what is the lubricant that I like best and so that’s the experiment, that’s the actual doing experiments.

So far we have the hypothesis, the duration, the checklist of things we need and maybe questions we’re going to look for. The other thing in the in the checklist is, what are we curious about? We could be curious about, do I prefer a thick lubricant, do I prefer a thin lubricant, do I prefer a lubricant that tingles. Those can be some of the things you want to explore in your experiment. Then you actually have your experiments and then you do your experiment which could be, I’m using my lubricants then I’m wiping them off the hot towel, then I’m using another lubricant and I’m taking time with each lubricant to really feel the sensations, know what I like, maybe I like them all and they’re all game for different things that I’m doing or maybe I like this one for stroking my clitoris and I really like this one for penetration and taking the time to really find that out. Then the final piece is the follow up and that’s where you take what you learned and you talk about it. If you’re doing this with your partner, you might say, here’s what really works for me and I really love framing this in the positive of only sharing the things that worked. Here’s what really worked for me.

There are studies done that show that people who just had positive feedback actually improved more than the people who got both positive and negative and of course the people who just got negative feedback didn’t improve very much at all. So if you want more of something to really just say, here’s what worked here’s what I’d like more of and then if you’re doing this on your own, it might be journal time. It might be journaling, like this lubricant was really amazing on my clitoris, this lubricant I really loved here, this lubricant I would love for oral sex because my sensual’s mind can turn off because it’s flavored like peppermint and I don’t have to worry about how I smell or taste.

O: So you can do sex labs yourself, exploring your body and your pleasure?

J: Absolutely, and I highly recommend this for women because a lot of us are so disconnected from our sexuality and our body and it really is a source of our power and so if we can get reconnected with that, the world’s going to be a better place.

O: Absolutely. What are must-have items in the bedroom?

J: Massage table. That’s one of my must-haves. I think almost all my clients have massage tables because they come to my office and they’re like, “We have to get one of these.” You can get them inexpensively at Costco … I love Oak Works, I love custom massage tables-those are a couple of brands that are really great and there are a couple people who have even made like sex massage tables they don’t seem to last long in the market but I have seen some really incredible ones but you have to do some research for those. Massage table, the next thing I would say is a must have is a lubricant and just because you need lubricant does not mean that something is wrong with you, wetter is always better and sometimes lubricants can just add different sensations. I like, for oral sex, I love Aloe Cadabra’s peppermints and their pina colada flavors because they’re flavored and it tastes really good and they don’t have sugar in them so you don’t worry about infections or anything like that. It’s an aloe based lubricant that just tastes amazing, so for oral sex I love them. For penetration where it’s going to be more vigorous, I would go with a silicone lubricant and I like Uber Lube, there in a glass bottle and they’re really high quality. Don’t use petroleum jelly, don’t use Vaseline, those things are not so good for your tissues.

If you wouldn’t eat it, don’t put it on your body and the only exception I have for that is the silicone lubricant that I use and that’s only because it really lasts long if I’m going to have a lot of friction type sex. One of the reasons why we need a lubricant is because we have so much circumcision especially in the US and on the way the body was designed was not to have all that friction every time he’s sliding out, he’s drawing you out so you actually need to use lubricant. We need lubricants and there’s nothing wrong with your body if you do. There’s no shame in using lubricant. Also I will say about lubricants too, don’t use them as an excuse not to get aroused. A lot of people go to lube just so they can get to the penetration and get it over with. Don’t do that. Your body is not ready, it’s not ready. Wait until your body is ready and there are some vaginal types that just don’t lubricate, knowing that’s also important. You might just be a vaginal type that just does not lubricate as much and that’s okay too, but use your lubricant.

O: What are the best sex toys?

J: Best Sex toys? I will say that that answer depends on what you love. I would do a lab on your own body, because I can say what the best sex toys are for me, but the lab on your own body is going to give you more information about what you love. I will tell you what my clients love and because I get to work with people’s bodies so I know what people are loving. Energetics tend to love feathers as sex toys, they tend to like Yoni eggs, like the rose quartz. My friend Ray Stubbs has a whispered crystal rose quartz Yoni egg and they’re my favorite, I love using stones and crystals and the energy from the crystals … I can have orgasms just from putting an egg like a jade egg or rose quartz egg or something like that inside of me and just squeezing around it.

O: Amazing.

J: Phenomenal. That’s probably one of my favorite things but again I’m an energetic and I’m going to go for things that have, that give me less stimulation and are more energetic in stimulation. Like a crystal is more energetic in stimulation and not something that’s vibrating, it’s going to oversensitized me. Another thing energetics really really love is any anything kind of natural, so if you could think about like running a flower over the skin, like flower petals, something like that. But nature elements are going to be better sex toys-stone, wood I love wood, knob essences one of my favorite, favorite ,favorite companies, glass, those are going to maybe be more stimulating. Sensual’s best sex toys are going to be sensation items. This could be food, a banana could be like an amazing sex toy just putting a banana in their mouth and the smell of it and the taste of it. Strawberries or chocolate, feathers, fur usually is a big winner I have a fur flogger by Firebug Floggers that I love. They’re hard to get hold of she hand makes all of them but she’s on Firebug floggers. Furry blankets, soft, bathtubs rose petals, essential oils. These are all going to be more sex toys for them and sensuals can get into vibrators.

A vibrator that does work for an energetic, I will say this, is the Level Body and the reason why this one works and sensuals really love this one as well, is that it is sonic waves and not a vibrator. It’s like a Sonicare toothbrush, I don’t know if any of you have ever used a Sonicare toothbrush, it’s literally is Sonic. Which doesn’t necessarily desensitize an energetic like say, a regular vibrator would and so … This one’s pretty cool because you can also put in the bath tub like Essential, you can put in the bath tub and it creates suction on one end so you could do like a sucking sensation, you can do a thumping sensation and it vibrates to the frequency of Ohm, so that’s another thing that the energetics really love is that it literally is an ohm frequency, like when you chant, “ohm,” it’s vibrating to that pulse and that frequency. So, pretty cool stuff.

O: Right, and what are the best foods that helps you get more turned on and ignite your passion?

J: Food, I could go into for … This again could be like a whole show.

O: I know and we only have a few minutes left.

J: Really? Wow? It’s going so fast. Quick rundown of my favorite aphrodisiac foods. I’m on an aphrodisiac diet so I will say aphrodisiac foods are amazing. Oh boy, I have to … the blue green algae, awesome. Cacao, and I’m not talking like chocolate with one sugar, I would avoid sugar by like the plague, it lowers testosterone, it is not good for your sex life, but like raw cacao powder. Lately one of the things I’ve been loving making is acai bowls and so on so I will do acai bowls with maca, cacao powder, bee pollen, blue green algae, throw all that in. Blue green algae sounds gross, but I promise you it’s not gross. It is really awesome for your sex life. I love shobu, which is a Chinese tonic herb. I would say chocolate’s up there as one of the top ones. Coconut oil, if you can get some really good MCT oil like a bullet proof brain on … Things that are good for your brain are good for your sex life. I will add that.

Any foods that are … red foods because they’re high in nitric oxide, which is how Viagra works. Kale is also high in nitric oxide, pomegranate, hawthorn berry. Those are all things that are high in nitric oxide. Those are going to be good as well. Magnesium, make sure you get a lot of magnesium which is one reason why chocolate’s good, because it’s really high in magnesium. Magnesium and zinc for guys, those are really good. Women, my favorite food for women is kabocha squash. Those are little green pumpkins that you get, whole foods but there are kabocha squash and they help with your hormones, your sex hormones. I eat the stuff like … I would eat it every day, like half a squash a day, i’m addicted kabocha squash. I love them.

O: We definitely need to have a show about that. What’s your biggest dream?

J: My biggest dream is that sexuality is around the world. Around the world, this is everywhere, is celebrated and cultivated instead of shamed, wrong and seen as something that’s bad for us because we’re all a product of sex and if we see sex as bad then we must inherently be bad, and if we change the shift in our culture to something that’s good and powerful then we become good and powerful.

O: You inspired a lot of people today, including myself.

J: Thank you so much.

O: Where can they get more of … learn more about you?

J: I have a class, if anybody wants to go online, it’s a free class. Missjaiya.com/ignite. That’s M-I-S-S-J-A-I-Y-A forward slash ignite. if you go there, there’s a class on the blueprints and also just some other ways to build passion.

O: Thank you so so much. I really appreciate you.

J: Thank you so much for having me on. You are beautiful and amazing and you see yourself.

O: Thanks. Thank you my beautiful listeners. Go out there have juicy, happy, sexy, sexy times and have a stellar life I’ll talk to you next time. Bye, bye.