A Personal Note from Orion

I believe that in each one of us women, there is a superhero, a wonder woman, one who can take on the world and face it all, in spite of the many challenges we have simply because, well, we are women! And I hope that with each episode you listen to, each story you read, you are inspired more and more to forget about fitting into a box and all of society’s expectations, and just live your life the way you want – not how others say you should.

My guests today are two exceptional women – they are superwomen for sure, and they are also mothers, which often makes their journey more challenging. But one thing that they have learned along the way, is that staying true to yourself and who you are, whether as a mother, as an entrepreneur, as a partner, and even as your own identity as a woman, is one of the most important things you can do to live a life of happiness. I am so excited to have had them on the show, because they have an incredible journey and share their wisdom, from surviving grief to raising children, in an inspiring, funny, and moving way. You have to tune in!

 

 

In this Episode

• [03:22] – We start off by learning a bit more about Alexa and Aubrey, with Alexia introducing herself first. Aubrey then takes her turn, explaining how she and Alexa connected.
• [06:34] – Orion asks what Alexa and Aubrey got out of her interview on their podcast.
• [07:39] – Alexa explains what “losing the cape” means to her. Aubrey then steps in, explaining how this relates to making Orion a good fit for their show.
• [10:36] – How did Alexa and Aubrey lose the cape in their own lives? In both of their answers, they discuss finding confidence and stepping into their truer selves. Orion then shares some of her own life experiences and offers some inspiration.
• [14:49] – Aubrey talks about how she experienced other people’s expectations and felt confined in a box. Alexa then relates her experiences, which are in some ways very different from Aubrey’s.
• [18:10] – Alexa is glad that women are coming out of the closet in a sexual way, she reveals.
• [19:37] – What is confidence, and what do women need to do to gain it? Aubrey, Alexa, and Orion all discuss the topic, offering their own insights and exploring the importance of having the right people around you.
• [22:48] – Alexa and Aubrey discuss what moms struggle with the most. Alexa emphasizes the role of guilt in the typical mothering experience. Aubrey then draws out the topic of the fear that many mothers feel regarding their children.
• [24:59] – Aubrey excuses herself, leaving Orion and Alexa to talk about the potential internal conflict of Alexa seeing herself in different ways and roles.
• [27:05] – Orion points out that we tend to put ourselves in boxes or cages and just lock the door. Alexa then mentions her personal tragedy of having her infant daughter pass away, and explains how this helped her come to some important realizations.
• [28:24] – Alexa talks about her tattoo that honors her late daughter, and in the process reveals the precocious wisdom of her 7-year-old daughter.
• [30:18] – Alexa mentions a nonprofit she started and a book she wrote with 30 other moms and dads about all kinds of child loss.
• [31:39] – Beyond her late daughter Kathryn, what inspires Alexa in everyday life?
• [33:18] – Orion makes reference to a quote by Albert Einstein, and offers some words of wisdom to listeners.
• [34:14] – We hear who a few of Alexa’s greatest mentors are.
• [36:49] – Alexa briefly mentions being in the air force as an intelligence officer.
• [37:57] – Does Alexa have any rituals or ways to organize her life that can benefit listeners? As she answers, she talks about the relief of minimalism and getting rid of stuff. Orion then recommends The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up
• [41:18] – Alexa relates a story about having gone to New York last week and the freedom of packing lightly.
• [42:07] – What are Alexa’s three tips to living a stellar life? 1. Don’t be afraid to try new things. 2. Laugh often. 3. Surround yourself with amazing people who lift you up and encourage you.
• [42:51] – Where can people find Alexa and Aubrey?

About Today’s Show

Hello and welcome to Stellar Life podcast. My guests today are a couple of brave modern moms. They are the hosts of the amazing podcast Lose the Cape, which I was a guest on. I enjoyed them so much that I just had to have them over and have this conversation with them about losing the cape, feeling sexy, and even going deeper into matters of the heart. Alexa Bigwarfe is a freelance writer, wife, and mother of three children and a dog. She’s the author of Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother. In her spare time, you can her enjoying time with her girlfriends or hiding in her closet for some alone time. Aubrey Mathis is the mother of two little cow girls. When she is not blogging from their bleachers, you can find her obsessing over red lipstick and changing the way we acknowledge grief with her business, Today May Suck, a comfort company providing gifts that offer compassion, blended with comic relief to your peeps going through the suckiest of times. This was a really, really fun interview and very insightful. I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did. Now, onto the show. Hello Alexa and Aubrey. Welcome to Stellar Life Podcast.

‏‏Thank you.

‏‏Thank you for having us. We’re excited.

‏‏I’m so excited to have you guys. I really like you. I think this is going to be a very wise and extremely entertaining episode.

‏‏I don’t know about the wise part but we’re here to bring the entertainment.

‏‏The first time I think I’ve ever been referred to as wise without a curse word at the end.

‏‏Oh my God. Why don’t we start by you ladies telling us a little bit about yourself, what you do, and how you collaborate together?

‏‏Sure.

‏‏Okay go, Alexa.

‏‏Three years ago, a fellow blogger and I wrote a book together called Lose the Cape about strategies. After we wrote the book, I decided I wanted to take it further and launch the program which at the time, I was just staying home with my kids, when I’m just staying home with my kids, that’s a hell a lot of work but staying home with the kids and wanted to connect with other people so I started my podcast. I did that by myself for a little over two years and I was lonely. Aubrey was a guest on the show actually. We just completely hit it off. Literally, on the same day, we were in a group conversation for a coaching program and on the same day, we both wrote down a message to ourselves to talk about doing the podcast together. We messaged each other that night. Aubrey was like, “I was going to ask you about it.” She joined the show and it’s been so much better since she came along. I love it. We have so much fun. We interview wonderful people like you.

‏‏Thank you.

‏‏We like to talk to women. Our demographic is largely moms but we talk to women who have anything interesting to say really because as we are mothers, we know that we are far more than just mothers and there’s lots of interesting things to talk about.

‏‏Right. How was this experience on your end, Aubrey?

‏‏I went into business two years ago. I had no clue even what a podcast was. I was not thinking I was going to be a co host on one. When I found Alexa, I found her because our businesses are kind of similar or one of her business is kind of similar to mine as in we help people through the process of grief. I contacted her and Alexa, I don’t know if you remember this but your first thing was, “I’m sorry. I’m an ass. I don’t remember who you are.” I was like, “That’s okay. At least you admit it.” I was like, “Honesty is the best.” Ever since that conversation, I was like, “I love Alexa.” It has been…

‏‏I love you too.

‏‏A great experience from our very first, I mean our very first podcast out the gate, the lady was talking about coffee [00:05:52] and I rarely take anything seriously so I could not let that one go. I was like, “I’m sorry. I am way off script.” That’s how my life goes so the Lose the Cape podcast, it’s imperfect with all the imperfections.

‏‏You ladies are a perfect duo. Together, you play off of each other. You balance each other. It was one of the most fun interviews I’ve ever done in my life. I had a blast.

‏‏Thank you.

‏‏Oh, yay.

‏‏What did you get from my interview on your end, just curious?

‏‏I came away feeling like a total, total sexified woman.

‏‏Oh, wow.

‏‏Just feeling like, “Oh, we got this. It’s cool to embrace our feminism, to embrace our beauty and to embrace all the things.” It’s so funny people often times act like you can only be one or the other. You can only be smart or you can be beautiful. You can only be sexy or you can be smart. I just love it, having a conversation with you where it’s like it’s so good to be smart, sexy, beautiful, a full woman.

People often times act like you can only be one or the other. You can only be smart or you can be beautiful. You can only be sexy or you can be smart. Click To Tweet

‏‏Cool.

‏‏Yes. I have red lipstick on right now. You can’t even see it but I was dry shampooing and red lipstick.

‏‏Girl, I’ve seen you. I had the privilege of seeing you via Skype and you’re smokin’.

‏‏Thank you.

‏‏I love that red lipstick. Beautiful.

‏‏Red lipstick makes me feel good.

‏‏What does losing the cape mean to you?

‏‏When Kerry and I first wrote the book, she’s the mother of three small kids. She is a full time working mom. I’m the mom of three kids and I was a full time stay at home mom at the time, just starting my own writing business. We were both doing parenting blogs and basically, we’re completely anti mommy wars type thing. We see so much crap over whether you use cloth diapers or throw away diapers, whether you breastfeed or give formula, all these kinds of things. It was really upon our hearts to share this message that motherhood is freaking hard and we shouldn’t make it harder on each other by judging and by doing all these things that really pit each other against each other. The book was basically a whole bunch of we did it. We contacted a bunch of moms and did a bunch of research about how they do things. We basically just said, “Hey you, if you’re new to this motherhood thing, here’s a whole bunch of ways you can do it. It’s cool no matter what you do. As long as you keep your kids alive and happy, then that’s good. You’re winning.” Since then, it’s really evolved. Now, our podcast, we’re still all about the no judgment zone and we’re still all about listening to all kinds of views, and hearing different perspectives, and learning from them. But lately, we’ve been really moving towards what we like to call our Live Bravely series. It’s talking to moms and women who have gone through something really difficult in their life and have seen it through the other side and never made something good out of it. Lose the Cape in a nutshell says you don’t have to be perfect. Just be who you are. Be beautiful. Be you. Live bravely and the rest will follow.

‏‏Yeah, I think that’s why Orion made a good fit with us because her story was about bravery and the things she’s overcome. I think that’s why we loved having you and you were a good fit. It was your story.

‏‏You guys are so awesome. Thank you. How did you lose the cape in your own life? What was your personal experience? You’re doing this show. You’re interviewing all these amazing guests. What are some takeaways and how did you implement it in your own personal life?

‏‏I’ve just learned to say no a lot, way more than I ever thought. I was working out this morning at the gym and we were doing really, really heavy weights. I felt more powerful at 37 than I did at 22 because I have a genuine confidence now and it’s not that false confidence I had at 22, even at 30. I felt like just in the past two years, I’ve evolved into this pure confidence. I don’t care what you think of me. I want to be presentable and I want to be respected but I don’t care if you think that cussing at my kids was wrong. That’s the only way they will listen to me sometimes. I’ve gained a true confidence.

‏‏Wow.

‏‏I love that. I can say that that’s been my experience. For a long time, I felt really, I don’t know, is pigeonholed the right word? I think trapped by what society tells me that I should do and shouldn’t do. In the last few years, since I’ve been on this journey, I have dyed my hair purple at 38 years old, then hot pink. I’m going to do that again. I love the color. I have left my husband although I’m not sure that that’s something that people should cheer about but it was a good thing for me. I got a big old tattoo on my left shoulder blade.

‏‏Oh my God.

‏‏I am just like, “Girl, if I ever had a cape, that thing is so shredded up by now. It’s not even funny.” At the end of the day, I have two little girls and a young son. I really hope that by them seeing me go through this journey and like Aubrey said just feel strong in who we are in our confidence in ourselves. Especially in a day and age like today where it feels like we’re going backwards, that they’ll develop some confidence in seeing me being confident.

‏‏Right. I feel again very aligned with you both because I’m at the same stage in my life where I just want to stop fitting the boxes that everybody thinks I should fit. I just want to be me, the loud me, the sexy me. I want to express that within my brand. I want to express it in the way I dress and in an unapologetic way. About 15 years ago, maybe less, I went to an acting school. My dream was to be a Hollywood actress and win the Oscars. When I told people I want to win the Oscars, people, my classmates, people in my school, they laughed at me. They’re like, “Well, you know, you’re ethnic and you have an accent. You may be able to find some ethnic roles, maybe as a terrorist or something.” They didn’t say quite say that but I kept hearing those messages again and again and I stopped trying. The movie that just came out, Wonder Woman, played by an Israeli woman like me, Gal Gadot, she’s freaking amazing at that. She’s an Israeli who’s playing one of the most recognized American female superheroes of all time.

‏‏I just got chills.

‏‏Yeah.

‏‏Yay, women.

‏‏I haven’t seen the movie yet because my husband’s glasses are in repair so I have to wait. But from everything I see on social media, women are like, “Oh my God, this is the ultimate women empowerment movie.” How did you experience in your life people’s opinions and how did it affect you before you had this confidence that is rising right now?

‏‏I’m from a small town in Texas, if you can’t tell by the accent. I was cheerleader, homecoming queen. Things came easy. I don’t want to sound conceited but I was pretty so everybody was like, “Oh, she’ll get by on her looks.” I’m like actually, I can do this stuff. But I was told for so long that, “Oh, you’re the cheerleader, you’re the homecoming queen, your dreams shouldn’t be quite that big.

‏‏Ouch.

‏‏Truly, you’re put in a box when you’re in a small town like that. I was married then divorced because that was the wrong decision but that was what you were supposed to do and then I found my husband now. He’s given me all the confidence in the world to do whatever I want to do. He’s always like, “If you think you can do it, go for it. I support you.” It was through him that I gained back that confidence that I always knew I had.

‏‏Wow.

‏‏Awesome. I didn’t know that about you, Aubrey. I was exactly the opposite. I was the band nerd. I was the drum major though but for being a nerd, I was pretty popular amongst the band group. I was a popular band geek. It’s funny because I was raised by a really strong, strong woman. My mom did things that I just think are just amazing for women from her generation and what she had going for her. She was raised on a farm and wound up marrying my dad and having her first child at 20 and 4 of us by the time she was 30. But that didn’t stop her. She went and got her nursing degree and then her PhD and went into nursing administration. She’s done big things and always been a leader in whatever she’s done. But the interesting thing is that even though I grew up never having a doubt that I could do whatever I wanted to do as a woman, she didn’t necessarily instill any confidence in me. There’s a fine line between knowing that you’re capable and then actually feeling like you’re capable. To be honest, it’s only been in the last few years as I’ve started hanging around with like minded people who are very encouraging of me and my dreams that I have found support which has then turned into a very healthy level of confidence. Confidence is not a bad thing. I think that we demonize people who are too confident. That’s unfortunate.

There’s a fine line between knowing that you’re capable and then actually feeling like you’re capable. Click To Tweet

‏‏Yeah, their buttholes are conceited.

‏‏Right. Because she brought out the big butthole word.

‏‏I know. I don’t know if I can say that but I said it.

‏‏You can say it. I had a few sexologists on this show and they said all the words. That’s fine.

‏‏Ah, got you.

‏‏Yeah, liberation.

‏‏I got to be honest. I’m glad that women are starting to come out of the closet in a sexual way. I feel like, I don’t know, maybe this is just a stage or a phase of stage motherhood or something but I feel like women are embracing that a lot more. The whole Magic Mike, XXL, and how much fun it was to just allow, be raunchy in a movie theatre.

‏‏Right, but have fun about it. You can gawk and look too.

‏‏Yes, awesome.

‏‏How could we forget Magic Mike? I mean, for real?

‏‏If you do, there’s something wrong with you.

‏‏Yes.

‏‏You can’t. It cannot be unseen.

‏‏Ever.

‏‏No.

‏‏Oh, Channing Tatum, that’s my life poll right there.

‏‏That’s what losing the cape is all about.

‏‏Abandoning all pretenses and get with Channing Tatum.

‏‏That’s so funny.

‏‏I need to ask questions. I forgot.

‏‏We can start talking about Channing Tatum if you want.

‏‏That’s okay. What is confidence? What do women need to do to gain confidence?

‏‏I would say it goes back to what Alexa said about surrounding yourself with people who help you. What do they say? You’re the sum of the five people you spend the most time with and if people aren’t helping you achieve this true confidence, then I don’t think you can get it, honestly. Not a true one. I intentionally put myself in real life and even in the online world with people who are going to give me true confidence, strong women.

‏‏Tony Robbins says that you are the average of the five people you hang out with the most. I hang out with my cats the most.

‏‏Cats are pretty confident animals.

‏‏Yeah. I started scratching posts lately. No, but for real. It’s really important who you hang out with. I forgot the correct term but something about the neurons. It’s a neuroconnection where you and the person you’re with, almost like your brain aligns. It’s very interesting. Or it’s like going into a store with beautiful perfumes. When you leave that store, some of the lovely smell is going to stick. It’s so important to be around people that support you.

‏‏Yeah, that’s my number one tip.

‏‏I would say that for me, with confidence, it was hard to do but I just had to cut ties with people that weren’t giving me that. That’s hard because unfortunately, it seems like often, the people that are closest to us can be the worst for us. I started just removing myself from, I don’t like tell anyone I hated them and could never talk to them again but I just stopped engaging with certain groups and certain people and then found the people that did support me and encourage me. My confidence has come a long way. To add to that, having actual successes makes a big difference as well. It’s hard to be confident if you’re out there constantly doing something and never seeing anything in return and never seeing any positive outcomes. That does help.

‏‏ Yeah. I think another part of confidence can come from honouring your own word. When you say you’re going to do something, you’re going to do it so you can trust yourself more.

‏‏Yeah.

‏‏A part of confidence is self trust. That’s something internal. When you trust yourself that you’re going to follow through, that you’re going to blaze through the obstacles that you’re going to keep going no matter what, it’s this internal confidence and motivation that can be a really good drive for your life.

‏‏It may take years but it’ll happen.

‏‏What do you find moms struggle with, the most?

‏‏Oh my gosh.

‏‏Let’s say in the aspect of we talked about the fact that moms can be competitive and fight about the little things or how you raise your kids but just being a mom and having the identity of a mom as a woman, what kind of pigeonhole did it put you in? How did you break through?

‏‏I don’t know if you have something you want to say right off the bat, Aubrey.

‏‏No, go ahead, Alexa.

‏‏I would say the number one thing is the guilt, the mom guilt. I think just from whatever I’ve talked, it seems like almost everything else can be boiled down to some type of issues around guilt. Am I being a good enough mom? Am I enough for them? Am I showing them enough attention? Am I doing enough for me? Am I a good enough housewife? Do I cook good enough meals? Oh my gosh, my child wasn’t reading by the time they were three. Did I totally screw them up? It’s just like that whole thing that goes along with feeling like you’re not good enough which is also a confidence thing and also is relatable to what you’re getting from everyone else. We talk a lot about the whole influence of Pinterest and Facebook and how social media has just screwed us all over as people. Especially if you’re trying to be a good parent, I think, I don’t know.What do you think, Aubrey?

‏‏I agree. I guess the fear coincides with the guilt. The fear of okay, when they are my age, are they going to go through the same things I went through? I don’t want them to. With insecurities and relationships, will they be strong enough to say no to someone who mentally or physically abuses them? Am I creating that confidence in them right now that they can say no in situations like that? So yeah, guilt and fear and you know, people would say, “You have to have faith in them.” Like, “Yeah, it’s my kids. You have faith with yours and I’ll be scared and guilty with mine.” Speaking of that, I love talking to you but if I leave my child at school, I would have guilt and fear written all over my face. I’m going to have to say goodbye.

‏‏It’s okay. We got it from here. It was such a pleasure having you. I wish you could stay longer but maybe we can do it next time all over again.

‏‏Next time, again. Yes, I look forward to it.

‏‏Yes.

‏‏Bye ladies.

‏‏Thank you.

‏‏Bye Aubrey.

‏‏So, Alexa, when it relates to seeing yourself as a central powerful women or having that image of a mom, did it create any conflict within you or did you learn to integrate to both?

‏‏It’s funny because I’ve gone through several different stages of my life. There was the younger years where I didn’t feel confident or sensual at all. Then I went to college, had some really good times, went out, did some stepping, developed this whole new sense of confidence and then I settled down and started having kids, and gained weight, and all those things, and you wonder if you’ve lost all that you had before or could have had or anything like that. I forgot the question now that I started going through that.

‏‏The question was you forgot who you are so how do you relate yourself as individual, as this sexy vixen but also as a mom?

‏‏I think it’s allowing yourself time to do things for yourself and to do things that make you feel sexy like that again, whether it’s things that you do with your spouse or if you’re not with your spouse, whether it’s just going out with the girls and getting all fancied up and not just getting your yoga pants all the time but actually putting on some makeup and heels and going out and just feeling connecting with who you are and maybe going out as in who you are. Whatever it is that gets you to connect with what makes you, you, and not just what makes you mom. I think if you can take the time to do that, then everything else falls into place.

‏‏I think we tend to put ourselves in boxes or cages and just lock the door. We are the one who are choosing to wear the yoga pants. We’re the one who thinks that we shouldn’t do this and this and this. We’re the one who choose to believe what some random person said online and somehow it penetrated our subconscious mind.

‏‏Right. You’re absolutely right. To be quite honest with you, it’s not like I just woke up one day and realized that I wanted to be this different person.

‏‏You didn’t?

‏‏No. I had a personal tragedy and it was when my infant daughter passed away at two days old. It took something as drastic as that and once I got beyond the grief, I started realizing one, how short life is, and two, how I wanted to live it to the fullest and I couldn’t do that if I didn’t feel confident in myself and didn’t feel like I was taking advantage of the things that came my way and all that life had to offer.

‏‏Oh, wow. What an amazing gift she gave you. Wow.

‏‏She did. That’s actually what my tattoo is for. I got a big butterfly and it has 12/12 on it which December 12 is the day she passed away. And you know, kids are so honest. my seven year old asked me, “Mommy, why did you get the numbers 12/12 on there?” I said, “That’s the day that KathrynCatherine died.” She said, “Well why would you remember that? Why would you want to remember that day?” I was like, “Well, I see your point. That’s a valid point. But that’s because I remember her and I remember her impact on us.” She said, “Well then, you should do things to honor and remember her.”

‏‏How old is she?

‏‏She’s seven.

‏‏What?

‏‏I know. She’s very insightful.

‏‏Oh my God.

‏‏I said that’s what I do. We actually have KathrynCatherine day every December 12 where we encourage people to do random acts of kindness and to do things to bring good into the world.

‏‏That’s so beautiful.

‏‏Sorry. I just kind of threw that one at you with no preparation.

‏‏No. That’s amazing. You know that’s what life’s about. I feel life so many times, we try to cover things and put masks on just to again, fit the norm. To be real is so much better. To talk about what’s real. But real can be funny, and what’s real can’t be sad, and what’s real can be inspiring. We need to share that because the more we share that, the more other people can relate and not feel alone in their suffering because maybe something that you said right now is really helping a listener. Somebody who had the same experience and now, instead of losing her life because of that trauma, because of that pain, she’s going to regain her life in honorship of that pain.

‏‏Exactly. Actually, I started a non profit for grieving mothers. In particular, I wrote a book with 30 other moms and a couple of dads actually about all kinds of different child loss. From very early miscarriages all the way to a 12 year-old who was killed in a very, very, freak accident. We shared our stories and we shared our tips. It’s called Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother and it takes it by different things like stupid things people say to you after you lose a child or how to help your other children through all kinds of different areas where we just wanted to be able to help. The whole premise behind that book and behind the nonprofit is to bring love and light to people who have suffered from a loss like that. They can potentially end you as a person. Or you can say, “That sucked. It was awful. It’s horrible. I will never forget that child. I will never forget the love that I have for them but I can still be happy and carry that love at the same time.”

‏‏Beyond KathrynCatherine that gave you that gift. What else is inspiring you in everyday life?

‏‏There is so much. I feel like when KathrynCatherine died, she released me and part of the reason why the butterfly is my symbol for her and for me because I feel like I’m open to see so much but I don’t know. It’s a tough time in our world. There’s a lot of bad stuff happening. I don’t shut that out but I try to see all of the good things that are happening too. I’m super inspired by people who are able to take what should have been a life altering, it was life altering but maybe a situation that could’ve shut them down completely and are able to take that and turn it into something beautiful. There are so many stories of people who have just done incredible things after something really horrific that’s happened in their life. That’s inspiring to me. Children are inspiring to me as much as mine drive me absolutely bonkers a lot of the time. Just being able to see the world through their eyes and the things that they say and do, and how they approach the world is very inspiring. My goodness, I don’t know. I could talk all day about all the cool things of the world. I think you have to be open to it though. What doesn’t inspire me, what makes me really sad is to see people who have completely shut themselves off from all other possibilities. That doesn’t inspire me and pretty much everything else does.

‏‏That’s a lovely way. Einstein said that when there is, I’m going to butcher that, but when there is a line going in one direction, it could keep going in the same direction, unless that outside interference will come and shift the course of where it’s going. If somebody is listening right now and they’re in that place of being shut down, go seek help and also congratulate yourself for listening to this right now because there is a reason that you’re listening right now. There is a light inside of you. There is a calling to find your light, to ignite your passion and to shift that court of your life where you go from pain into living life of divinity and living your destiny.

‏‏Totally. I agree.

‏‏Who are some of your greatest mentors?

‏‏Oh, wow. I love Michelle Obama. She’s obviously not a personal mentor of mine but I love how just gracefully she handled everything while they were in the White House, how good of a mom she is, how passionate she is for her causes. I think she is a wonderful role model and a wonderful mentor. But most of my mentors, I would say the ones who impact me on the biggest day to day basis are the people that I interact with on a daily basis, who take the time to show me the ropes and to help me. There has been so many women that I’ve interacted with through my writing and other coaching and through publishing that I’ve come across. It’s so refreshing when you see somebody who’s farther down the line than you who’s willing to take the time to give you pointers and direction and say, “You’re doing good at this but here’s some things you could do to do better, to be better, to be bigger.” I’ve had a lot of people in my business experience that have really helped me with that. But I always like to give props, I suppose, probably not at all hip term anymore but I like to give a shout out to a woman who influenced me tremendously. She was my commanding officer when I was in the air force. She was a full breed colonel, which not many women of her generation made up to. She was also the mother of five children. Her oldest had actually been killed in an accident. While she valued hard work more than anything and have high expectations of us and the quality of our work, she also really embodied the balance between work and life and family and making sure that we always, no matter what was going on, try to find the balance between the two of those parts of our life and take care of the people who mattered to us most in our home as well as what we were doing in the work. Her name was Meg [00:36:25]. She is now retired and she’s a real estate agent in the Alexandria, Virginia area I believe. If you’re ever looking for a real estate agent and you want to work with an amazing woman, look her up. She touched my life in a major, major, major way.

‏‏So beautiful. I love that. How kind of you to share her with us. I didn’t know you were in the air force. Hello. What? What did you do?

‏‏I was an intelligence officer. That’s about all I can say about that.

‏‏I was intelligence in the IDF.

‏‏Were you? We could have some good conversations off line, I’m sure.

‏‏No, I can’t tell you.

‏‏Israelis never tell us anything. I’m just kidding.

‏‏That’s cool. I have such big respect for military people and their service. People don’t even understand what they’re going through and how amazing they are so I’m just saluting them virtually right now.

‏‏Absolutely. It’s one of those funny things that it’s really hard work but it’s so amazingly wonderful at the same time that you forget that you’re working. At least that’s how it was for me. I loved what I did so much that it never felt like work.

‏‏That’s amazing. Do you have any rituals or ways to organize your life that can benefit our listeners? Maybe somebody who’s listening, she’s a busy mom or you don’t even have to be a mom to feel overwhelmed.

‏‏I would say I am an extremely disorganized person and that’s something that I battled my entire life. What I have found to be working for me lately is purging and minimalism. We have so much stuff that literally just clutters our life, our day, our minds, our hearts, our everything. As a mom, I can’t tell you how many times we’ve spent so much time looking for a pair of shoes or a backpack or something that’s been misplaced because there’s just so much stuff and kids are never going to put it where you tell them to put it. I’m really working on a minimization scheme to try and pair down my life to make it easier. It’s such a relief to get rid of all this stuff that literally weighs you down. That’s one thing. And then I am trying really hard, trying. I’m so not a morning person but I really want to experiment with this whole miracle morning concept because I think that if I were to take the time and maybe not the miracle morning as a whole program but getting up a little bit early so that I can have a few moments of quiet and meditation and time to group myself together before the craziness of the day starts. I think it would be very beneficial to me.

‏‏Alright, cool. We can keep talking offline later on and I can share something really cool with you about that because I teach people morning rituals and all that.

‏‏Yay.

‏‏Another tip I have is something that my husband and I followed. It’s a book called The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo.

‏‏I think I’ve heard of this book.

‏‏This book is so good. We decluttered our closet. We donated about 350 books. It’s so good. It’s interesting how when you have less, you actually feel like you can breathe better and you can actually see the things that you really like because right now, the books that I have on my shelf are the absolute best books and what you said, it’s like when you are, just one tip, let’s say you want to tidy up your closet, you’ll overthink every item. You hold it in your hand and you feel it. In two seconds or three seconds, you just ask yourself does this bring me joy. And then it’s a yes or a no. Brings you joy, keep it. No, throw it away. It’s a super cool system.

‏‏I have a whole lot of clothes in my closet that are like seven sizes too small. They probably don’t bring me any joy.

‏‏I know. We get emotionally attached to some clothes. I know. I just had the stylist come over and help me because I’m telling you, branding a new identity or just dressing up a little better in layman terms, and she freaking threw away 60% of my closet. I’m flying to Atlanta for a conference tomorrow and I have to recycle clothes.

‏‏You’ll make it work.

‏‏I’ll make it work. Hell yeah. But it’s also cool because I look at my closet and I know, “Oh, I can only wear cool items.

‏‏Yeah, exactly. Can I tell you that I just went to New York City for a conference last week. They had the New York Book Expo. I normally over pack so much crap, it’s not even funny. This time, first of all, I was in a hurry and I packed late so I wound up recycling an outfit one day but I have like four outfits. I was gone for five days. I had four outfits, my jammies and my makeup, and that was it. It was amazing. My suitcase was light. I didn’t have to check a bag. There was no struggle each day, what am I going to wear? Should I wear this? Should I wear that? I wore the same outfit twice and nobody knew it except for me.

‏‏Amazing. What are your three major tips to living a stellar life?

‏‏Tip number one would be to not be afraid to try new things because there’s so much cool stuff out there. When people get so bogged down and only doing what they know, they miss out so much. Try new things. Tip number two would be to laugh and laugh often and just laugh, laugh. I don’t know how I would’ve survived my life if God hadn’t given me the sense of humor that I have. Tip number three would be to surround yourself with amazing people who lift you up and encourage you.

Surround yourself with amazing people who lift you up and encourage you. Click To Tweet

‏‏Beautiful. I’m sure our listeners want to learn more about you ladies, about your podcast. Where can we find you?

‏‏The easiest way to find us is just to go to losethecape.com and you’ll find our podcast and our blog and all of our fun stuff over there. We’re also on Facebook @losethecape. We’re on Twitter, Instagram, all that good stuff, @losethecape.

‏‏Amazing, Alexa. Thank you so much. This was such a pleasure.

‏‏Thank you.

‏‏Thank you for joining me on my mission to light people up and change lives around the world. I hope today’s conversation inspires you to step up, go after the life of your dreams and be who you want to be. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to go to stellarlifepodcast.com for show notes, transcript and other cool stuff. Please subscribe, review, and help spread the word by sharing us on Facebook and Twitter. Have a lovely day and I’ll catch you on the next episode.

Your Checklist Actions to Take

✓ Feel strong with who you are and have confidence in yourself, so that it won’t matter what other people think about you or your actions. 

✓ Surround yourself with people who help you achieve your goals. You are the product of the five people you surround yourself with. 

✓ Grow your confidence and self-trust by doing what you say. The more you honor your word, the more your self-trust and confidence will grow.

✓ Understand that as a mom, you are good enough. Do not let issues around guilt inhibit your progress or prevent you from living your life your way. 

✓ Allow yourself time to do things for yourself to connect with who you are, and make yourself feel sexy whether it is with a spouse or going out with friends.

✓ Realize how short life really is, so that you can live it to the fullest, and even when something tragic happens learn to move beyond the grief into your current life. 

✓ Learn to carry your love and loss while still living a life with love and caring. Moving foreword does not mean forgetting, it means carrying the loss with love. 

✓ Be inspired by people who are able to do incredible things after experiencing something horrible and have an open approach to the world.

✓ Have a balance between work, life, and family. No matter what is going on, make sure to find a balance to take care of people who matter the most. 

✓ Purge stuff that clutters your life, day, mind, and heart. Work on paring down to make life easier and get rid of stuff that weighs you down. To start, read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up

Links and Resources:

About Alexa Bigwarfe and Aubrey Mathis

Alexa is a mother to 3 wildlings, author, publisher, writer-entrepreneur, and podcaster. Her writing career began after her infant daughter passed away at 2 days old. She has co-authored & published three volumes dedicated to imperfect parents who need a little encouragement, and is working on the 4th through the Lose the Cape! brand. She and Lose the Cape! podcast co-host feature busy moms who are passionate about making a difference in the world as we also navigate the #struggleofthejuggle. She owns her own publishing house, Kat Biggie Press, and a children’s book publishing company, Purple Butterfly Press – both which are dedicated to bringing stories of hope, inspiration, encouragement, and girl-power to the world.

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