A Personal Note From Orion
Welcome, Stellar Life listeners! I’m thrilled to invite you to this week’s episode on the profound topic of intimacy, embodiment and sexual wellness. My incredible guest, Kiana Reeves, lends us her wisdom and profound insights on connection and sexual health.
Kiana is a powerhouse in the sexual wellness movement. She brings a wealth of knowledge as a teacher, practitioner, and speaker. Kiara has over a decade of experience exploring the depths of sex, embodiment, intimacy, pleasure, birth, and wellness, and her insights help others to do the same. Her journey led to a pivotal role as Chief Content Officer at FORIA. Kiara’s unique, holistic approach addresses emotional, biological, social, and spiritual dimensions, and sets her apart. She’s a certified somatic sex educator, sexological bodyworker, embodiment coach, and full-spectrum doula.
In this episode, Kiana shares wisdom on how to awaken passion, joy and connection in our relationships. We explore communication, sensuality, feminine and masculine polarities, how to alleviate sexual stress, and much more.
I hope her insights spark inspiration and curiosity in your own journey with intimacy. This is an open-minded, honest, and caring space for such discovery. You’re welcome here, no matter where you are on this journey! This episode has universal resonance and allows us all an opportunity for growth. So, without further ado, let’s dive into the show!
In This Episode
- [02:34] – Kiana Reeves joins the show to discuss sex and intimacy, sharing her expertise as a teacher, practitioner, speaker, and leading voice in the sexual wellness movement.
- [05:32] – Kiana talks about the potential for sex to be a deeply spiritual experience.
- [07:45] – Orion and Kiana discuss common misconceptions around sex, including the idea that single people don’t have a sex life and the belief that masturbation is cheating on a partner.
- [11:35] – Orion credits gratitude and evolving together with a partner for decade-long relationship success.
- [17:34] – Kiana explains embodiment practices, including nature walks and moving to music, to connect with their inner energy and rediscover lost aspects of themselves.
- [28:22] – Kiana offers advice on enhancing your sex life.
- [32:31] – Orion and Kiana discuss the impact of stress on sexual desire.
- [37:50] – Kiana describes aspects of orgasm and dominance in sexual experiences. She also discusses various erogenous zones on the female body, including the clitoris, G-spot, A-spot, cervix, and perineal sponge.
- [45:27] – Kiana shares tips for effective communication in the bedroom.
- [48:36] – Kiana enumerates her tips for living a stellar life.
- [50:11] – Kiana offers on-demand private coaching and courses and is hosting a 10-month course for women this year.
About Today’s Show
Hi, Kiana. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for being here.
I’m so excited to be here. Thanks for having me.
Before we begin, can you share one of your favorite childhood memories?
The one that popped into my head was we used to visit a family friend’s house up on the hills in Santa Barbara, where I grew up. They had four kids and built these rolling green hills to be so kid-friendly that they made a Swiss Family Robinson treehouse, the kind where you’re at the top. There was a swinging net, and I think there was a full bunk bed in there.
I remember going there with my sisters. We’d jump on the trampoline, climb up the tree into this treehouse that someone would probably live in nowadays, and pay a few thousand dollars. That one stands out, just being able to dream and play.
That’s amazing. What did you want to do when you were a little child?
I wanted to be a painter.
Nice. Do you paint?
It’s so funny. I am ashamed about how little I make art. I want to, but I haven’t in a long time.
My career, purpose, and interests all wound together around sexuality, womanhood, and spirituality.
You make art in a different way.
Exactly.
How did you discover your passion? How did you become the person that you are today?
It’s a long meandering path. I think that all paths start probably from a need. My career, purpose, and interests all wound together around sexuality, womanhood—what that meant, and spirituality. It’s been an unfolding journey.
I think it started to clarify when I was in college. I had a professor—when I was studying sociology—who pulled me aside and said, “Hey, I know you’re studying sociology, but if you want to, I think you could write a really incredible major of your own, and I will chair that major if you want to. You have to put a whole proposal together. You have to get three other professors to sign off on it.” A lot of them get rejected. I took the challenge and majored in women, agriculture, and spirituality, essentially witchcraft, the intersection of feminine spiritual practice and earth-based practices.
From there, I got very interested in birth and became a doula. I practiced for many years. I had my own kids and started investigating the relationship between sexuality and motherhood. That led to Pandora’s box of my career and life, which now focuses on intimacy, embodiment, relationships, and sexual expression.
Wow. It’s all so connected. Do you think that sex is a spiritual thing?
Yeah, unquestionably.
Even when it doesn’t feel like it?
That’s a good distinction. I think it always has the potential to be a deeply spiritual experience. For it to be so, we have to maintain some level of consciousness around how connected we are to ourselves, spirit, and others. No, I don’t think it’s always spiritual, but I think it always has the potential to be spiritual.
Maintain consciousness around how connected we are to ourselves, spirit, and others. Sex always has the potential to be a deeply spiritual experience. Share on XTo become a gate for a spiritual connection. What made you look for sex after you gave birth, become a mother, learn more about sex, and be in the connection?
I became a mother at 25 and was a single parent right from the start. I felt like I was living in this dichotomy because most people I knew at that age didn’t have kids. If they did, they were married. I had one part of my life that was like, “I’m building my family.” The other part of my life was still, “I want a partner, and I want a partnership.”
I didn’t feel like dating or sex went with being a mom because of the way the world was responding to me, but also because when you date, you’re free often. When you’re young, you can go on trips together and randomly go camping. You have all this freedom. Because I couldn’t date in that context and couldn’t just come over any night and stay the night, I felt restricted and afraid that no one would join me in building my family to let go of their freedom and step into this huge responsibility.
I think it was from that place that it was a personal work, obviously coming from my wound, my inner pain. It really put me on this path of trying to discover what that meant, what deep intimacy, what partnership, how sexuality was wound up in all of that. That’s been my life for the last 12 years.
What do you think is the biggest problem or the biggest misconception people have about sex?
Misconception about sexual relationships: If you’re not dating and you’re not in a partnership, you don’t have a sex life.
I think there are two that I’ve been rolling around in my head. There are literally thousands, but the two that are present for me right now is this myth that if you’re not dating and you’re not in a partnership, you don’t have a sex life. I always hear people say this, “What sex life? I don’t have a sex life. I don’t have a partner. I’m not dating anyone.”
It’s such an erasure. It erases the ownership that we are always erotic beings. We are always sexual beings, whether or not we have a partner. The second one would be that when we’re in a partnership, there’s this assumption that if you masturbate, you’re cheating on your partner or that if you have a sexual relationship with yourself, you’re somehow not satisfied inside the relationship.
I think that our primary sexual relationship is with ourselves. If we’re not tending to that, we depend on another to fulfill that and help us explore those spaces. Being dependent upon others for those experiences limits where we can go.
Right. How can a female discover her sexuality? What are the steps to reconnect with your body and discover what makes you feel good?
A good starting point is having time alone to be with your body and sexually, not just for self-pleasure, but to carve out time to be with your sensation, to be in sensual movement. Dance can blend into this a little bit, but if you have time to carve out a few times a week where you are alone, in your own space, and moving in your body in a way that feels so nourishing, you start to remember that your sexuality isn’t dependent on other, but it’s also not inherently connected to other. It belongs to you. From that space, the exploration becomes a really beautiful, infinite-possibilities type of thing.
Is there a place in sexuality you’ll never go?
That’s a great question. I don’t think there’s a never for me. My edges are pretty far out there right now, but I will say that an emotional edge I have is around monogamy. I feel that I would not be functional in an open relationship or sharing my partner with someone.
Yeah, same. No, thank you. I studied with Miss Jaiya. She’s pretty open. I’m like, “No, I appreciate it for you. But if somebody comes near my man, I’m a very jealous woman.”
I am, too. Jealousy is a big edge for me, for sure.
Sexual dependency on others limits our sexual and spiritual exploration.
We went on a date last night, and it was beautiful. My mother-in-law is visiting, so we had a babysitter.
It’s the best.
I saw all those single women. We’re in Miami, and people dress as minimally as possible here. There were many women there who were extremely exposed. Beautiful, gorgeous, model-like women. They were all single. I was so grateful to be in partnership with all the ups and downs, all around, and every hardship we went through together. It’s like, “Oh, I’m grateful to be in a relationship right now with somebody.” It’s really nice with somebody special. We’ve been together for a decade.
Wow. What’s your secret? What’s the thing that keeps you feeling like it’s the right thing?
First, it’s the desire to become better people on both sides. I had to forgive a lot of things that he did that were really wrong. I think it’s mostly evolving together and finding the times to be in gratitude for each other and for what I have. After a long time, we tend to forget why we are with that person.
Harville Hendrix—one of his exercises is to say three things you’re grateful for to your partner before you go to sleep. You focus on what’s good instead of what he did wrong. We did that for a while. We don’t do it now, but we say thank you a lot. We try to support each other to the best of our abilities. For us, it’s a soul connection.
We’ve been through really hard times, but it’s the desire to be together; plus, I have coaches who coach me, and I’ve got coaches who coach him, so we’re not alone in this. We don’t have a relationship coach, but we have spiritual coaches and other coaches, which helps us.
Our primary sexual relationship is with ourselves. If we don’t tend to ourselves, we depend on another for fulfillment. Share on XNot being alone and holding it is something that I feel like most of us miss. Even if you don’t have a coach, being held by your friends, by your community, being reflected back to what habit you’re actually bringing into your relationship, what judgments that could be projections, all of that work is so important. It sets you up to not always blame but to first seek within me.
Something I’m learning in my partnership is when I’m frustrated or feel like a need isn’t getting met, if I go, “Okay, how am I not bringing that energy?” Let’s say, “Oh, I’m not getting enough attention. How am I not giving enough attention?” Then I say, “I’m actually withholding much of my attention.” That goes for anything. First, we seek in the self for what we need.
But I don’t like that; I like to point fingers.
I know. It feels so much better.
It feels like it’s his fault all the time when, seriously, I’m perfect.
When they cause us pain.
I’m so perfect. Look at that perfection. “I never make mistakes. I’m never not nice.”
Yup, it’s always their fault.
And I’m always right. If the relationship goes like that, everything works really well. If I’m always right, it’s perfect.
Couples could work on their range of expression individually.
Yeah, exactly.
Basically, in our relationship, I’m mostly right, so that’s why it works.
I love that.
What would you suggest for people like us who have been in a relationship for a decade to spice up their relationship, to make it more juicy, sexy, funny, new, exciting, and adventurous?
Have you ever heard of the term sexual polarity?
No.
Sexual polarity is a concept that comes out of the lineage of Neotantra, and it’s very much focused on the dynamic between masculine-feminine, yinyang, Shakti, and Shiva. The natural polarity exists in the universe between two others coming together and creating something new.
I’m familiar with that.
If we look at many long-term relationships, there’s so much focus on merging into oneness. We get so familiar with each other. We get so habituated to each other. We show up with so many of our habits that it can be hard to feel that draw to each other because we’re already so in the space of merged.
We pull back a little, give a little space, and start to differentiate through the way that we’re expressing our bodies, the way that we show up literally in our posture, in our presence, in the way we flirt, in the way we use our expressions, our eyes, our mouth- all of that becomes one of the best tools for sparking chemistry—that sense of passion that is present early on in relationships.
Early in relationships, we don’t assume we know everything about the other person. We also try harder. We remember to flirt. We remember how we look. That’s not on a surface level. It’s not just like, “Oh, I looked beautiful.” You were deeply aware of how you were moving and how your partner was responding to you.
If you practice with specific energy long enough, you can fall into it much easier. You become much more filled out in how you move throughout your relationship.
We forget to give that level of presence to our relationship. If I were to name one practice that couples could do individually, it would be to work on their range of expression. Everybody’s desires range from their partner. Your husband probably wants to feel your tender, soft, vulnerable places, sparky, fire-filled expression, and hunger for sexuality from you. There’s so much there.
Often, in our sexual relations, we bring one or two flavors. To practice bringing in multiple flavors and vice versa for men or masculine folks who come in in one habitual way, they can practice being fuller and wider in how they show up. It feels so good to know that our partners can meet us in those different spaces.
How does one connect to those places?
Doing work around expression with different types of archetypes, embodying different archetypes as a practice. It could be as simple as, “Okay, give me an energy that’s more challenging for you to embody that you’ve seen other women, that you’re like, “I’m not really like that.’”
The Ice Queen.
Okay, great. A little more reserved, a little more cool, a little more aloof. When you imagine Ice Queen, you probably have some idea of the texture of what that feels like outside of you. You could observe and name the qualities if you saw it in someone else.
The practice of bringing that energy through your body is to notice everything that that person’s doing and bring it through your body in a way that feels true. It’ll feel unfamiliar at first—it really does—awkward. You don’t even know where to start. If you practice with a specific energy long enough, you can fall into it much easier. You become much more filled out in how you’re able to move throughout your relationship.
Are you familiar with Sheila Kelley?
Yeah, the S Factor. My friends and I have done a few of their classes.
It’s really fun. I’ve been studying with her and going to some retreats with her. We practiced embodying some of those archetypes. That’s amazing, but that was a long time ago. Then, I became a mom, and I moved away from LA.
The thing with our eroticism is it’s always ebbing and flowing how much we feel connected to it.
There is a need in me to awaken that crazy, wild energy that I used to embody. It seems like there is me before being a mom and my body before being a mom. Now, there is a shift, and I’m rediscovering new things about myself now, or things that I thought were lost, but they’re never lost. You just need to connect with them.
Yeah, they get a little quieter. A lot needs your attention, and we only have so much of our awareness available to give to other people, feed them, make sure the house is running well, and do all the things that mothers need to do. The most important piece there is that it’s always with you.
Do you have any practice that you do that grounds you? You’re a very active person. You’re a businesswoman. You’re an entrepreneur. You’re a mother. You do so much. How do you find your center?
Yeah, it’s definitely being in nature. Walks in nature always do that for me. Moving to music alone, like we talked about, but space alone to move to music. That moves my heart and my spirit and lets me feel myself.
It’s so nice.
It’s hard to find. I have two kids, and I get buried sometimes. The thing with our eroticism is it’s always ebbing and flowing how much we feel connected to it.
Right. You said your edges are pretty far. You could take us through how we can explore edges and still feel safe within the container and the relationship.
A great place to start is with fantasy. Being able to openly share fantasies with a partner, knowing and having an agreement, doesn’t mean it needs to be fulfilled. Let’s take a fantasy to have a threesome, which is a pretty common one, or a fantasy to be dominated, which is another pretty common one, especially for feminine folks. You open a dialogue with your partner, and I wouldn’t even say doing it in the sexual moment. Set a separate space for it because often the dialogue is not the part of our brain we want active when we’re actually in a sexual moment, but set time to discuss and share, “Okay, here’s one of my fantasies.”
Get very detailed about what you see, how it feels, how you’re being touched, what the room looks like, all of those details, because often, with fantasy, it’s not the thing that’s happening that you need. There’s an energy or a nutrient inside of the fantasy that then your partner can go, “Oh, I can work with that energetic texture.”
Carving out time for sensual movement allows us to connect with ourselves and embrace the profound beauty of our bodies.
If you say dominance, you put your hands around my neck, and then you throw me down and turn me over and force my face into the pillow or something. Those cues can help your partner understand what they need to do with their body in relation to your body, which might inspire some new places to explore.
What’s important with fantasy is not to allow judgment or shame into the room. You have to create an agreement, “This doesn’t mean anything about me or you. It’s purely something that really turns me on, and we welcome those things to work with together.” Some people will be confronted by that, but you’ll also find excitement and new places to explore together.
What if you are confronted? Not everybody is involved, and there is judgment. What if there is a judgment that can hinder the sexual relationship? What if something happened, and one does not feel safe within the relationship to express their fantasies because they are going to be judged? How do you feel about that?
I think that’s a bigger thing. If past wounds are long-held but not healed, I think it’s often really good to address those therapeutically, having an advocate in your corner like a counselor or a couples therapist to really be able to move you back into a place of trust. Ultimately, any of the practices of going deep spiritually and sexually together require a high level of trust. So, establishing safety is primary.
Any practice of going deep spiritually and sexually together requires a high level of trust. So, establishing safety is primary.
Once you reestablish or know there’s safety, fear might still come up. Judgment is often fear-masked. It’s fear, it’s just masked, and it’s a projection. If you find yourself being judgmental, “What am I afraid of here?”
For example, the threesome one, because this one triggers me if my partner’s fantasy was having a threesome, I’d be like, “Oh, no, he wants another person.” That would come up in me. But for me to then go, “Oh, that’s my sh*t,” him wanting to be completely just washed with love, sensation, and feminine softness is quite beautiful. I fear he would want someone else, or it brings up my jealousy, but it’s mine to work with. In that way, it points us back inside of ourselves instead of going into the judgment of others. Again, it wouldn’t mean that he wanted or needed that. It means that it turns him on, which is very different than living out the fantasy in real life.
Yes. I like how you did the reframe because the mindset is the story that we tell ourselves about anything. That’s mindset. Changing the story from “He wants somebody else. I’m not enough. I’m not satisfying him” to “He just wants to be bathed in the softness, be loved and cherished, and feel amazing” is different. How do you gap that? Let’s say somebody wants a threesome, and the other one doesn’t. How do you work it out?
How do you navigate it? It’s a very personal thing. One couple might be able to approach that and say, “Okay, let’s navigate this with specific terms like we’ll have a threesome, we’ll find that person together.” There are certain rules around contact; maybe they’re not in our friend group and will only happen once. Or maybe another couple finds it like an impasse, and they don’t want to do it in real life, but they want to bring the energy of that into their sexual space.
It’s not even pretending, but you could go energetically into that fantasy together, narrate it into each other’s ears, and be fully immersed if you wanted to turn some porn on in the background so that you had other sounds. Make it as real as possible without having someone else in the room. It’s another good way to let it feel as close to real as possible without crossing the boundaries that one or both of you have.
Most people I know of who have open relationships or invited people to their bedrooms eventually split up. I don’t know anybody personally who has had a long-term relationship, that is, an open relationship. But yeah, some people do. I don’t know if it’s rare, but from what I know in my group of friends, not even close friends, people I know of, it never lasts. Do you have the same experience?
80% of women don’t climax from penetration alone. Foreplay is super important.
I think that there are lots of different types of non-monogamy. It takes someone very committed to their integrity and communication to do it right. In those cases, in spaces where someone is mature enough not to hide anything, not keep anything a secret, and not even that, but not even avoid discomfort, it works for them. But in many cases, we’re not practiced enough at being in discomfort, saying what needs to be said, being open and honest, and presenting information. It can tend to get a little messy.
Maybe you can share some things that can help enhance our sex life, like toys and lotions you love the most. What can help in the bedroom?
One really important fact that I think most people don’t know is that 80% of women don’t climax from penetration alone. There’s this myth that you start having penetrative sex, and then you’re both going to come together. If that’s not happening, something’s wrong with you. No, that’s not the case. Clitoral stimulation is super important. Foreplay is super important.
How long should the foreplay be?
Female arousal trajectory often takes 20-40 minutes to reach heightened states of arousal. For men, I think the average time to complete their ejaculation is under ten minutes. We’re looking at a pretty big disparity in terms of how long it takes for a female to get to the place where she could climax versus men when they’re reaching climax.
The longer the foreplay is, the stronger the climax is.
For sure, and also because the more aroused she is. More likely it is that she’ll even have an orgasm.
It’s going to be like, “Oh, orgasm,”
Exactly. For that reason, I think it’s super important to incorporate clitoral stimulation either with hands or with a vibrator. There are lots of cool little palm-shaped vibrators that you can hold over your clitoris during penetration that can help. For oils, I work for FORIA. I worked with them for six years.
Tell us about FORIA. Tell us a little about it.
Even if I didn’t work for them, I would love all of their products because what we make is truly unparalleled in terms of quality and ingredients. It’s all designed around female pleasure. We have a suite of products for sexual pleasure for women, a suite of products designed for menstrual comfort, and a midlife line called Vibrance that supports skin, hydration, and feeling moisturized from the inside out.
The Intimacy line is the one that we, I think, are most famous for. We make a whole suite of products that address the trajectory of female arousal. From arousal, which is blood flowing into the genitals, we have our Awaken Arousal Oil. It has nine different botanical ingredients, all organic and all-natural, and it’s meant to stimulate and wake up sensation and pleasure.
Especially in my younger years, I would go to a sex shop and just buy something. You don’t know what goes into those things. I was unaware. A lot of times, it can be like harmful chemicals and terrible things that go inside your body. That’s awful.
The Awaken Arousal Oil, and then we have sex oil, which is a glide. It’s highly moisturizing. It makes sure that everything feels slippery and wet. That’s important because it protects from any friction and discomfort. There’s the Intimacy Melts, which I think pair really well with the Awaken Arousal Oil because Awaken’s external. It’s on your clitoris, your vulva, and then the Intimacy Melt is internal. You insert it like you would a suppository. It melts and helps you relax.
Do you have to insert it during the night or just before sex? How do you use it?
It’s 20 minutes before; it takes about 20 minutes to melt.
What does it do compared to the oil?
First, the oil would be hard to get internally—the amount you need to have the same effect—but that’s just one of the reasons we made it. We also looked at how much tension is held in the pelvic floor and how important internal arousal is for pleasure. We wanted to make something that targeted internal pleasure and arousal support. It delivers that through botanical extracts to help you relax, open, soften, and receive.
Yes. I feel like women are so emotional. When we’re stressed out, when life gets hard, it’s hard to open up for sex. I believe that taking the time with your partner and using those beautiful products can really help. I know that when I’m stressed out, I try to avoid sex, or it’s probably the thing I need the most.
I’m not talking about sex like penetration. I’m talking about deep, intimate sex, where you look at each other’s eyes, you communicate, you talk, you make fun of yourself, you laugh, and then slowly, you start it. You start to relax, melt, and be open for somebody to hold you. What do you do when you’re stressed out?
Sexual polarity is the natural dynamic between masculine and feminine energies that come together to create something new. Share on XWhen I’m stressed, my libido like goes into a dumpster. It’s so funny because you said it so well. It’s the one thing that helps. The one thing that would make you feel better is having sex. But getting there when you feel that way, it’s like all systems are shut down, “Do not cross that boundary.”
I have tracked it for a long enough time to know exactly what’s going on. Often, I will lean in. Even if I don’t, in that moment, feel like I want to, I know I’m going to want it in about ten minutes. I know that even if I’m tired, feel busy, or whatever, it’s like ten minutes into being touched, kissed, held the right way, and breathing the right way, suddenly my body comes back online. It’s like, “Oh yeah, this is enjoyable.” It requires a commitment to the moment. It requires seeing beyond how I’m feeling in that moment and knowing that it will change in a few minutes.
Tony Robbins said that if you want to break a state, you have to change your focus, your language, and your physiology. That’s so true. If the story in your head is, “I’m stressed, it’s too late, I’m too tired,” change the story. “Maybe I need to be held,” and then change your focus. “I’m focusing right now on my stress, and this is what I don’t want. What do I want? I want love, connection, and to feel safe because I’m scared.”
Intentionally activating certain senses can help you not get distracted during play.
Physiology is, obviously, moving your body, changing your physiology, getting out of your own way, and trying to connect your body. Instead of holding everything in your body, you allow it to flow. You allow all the stress to let go. It’s easier said than done. It’s a practice like anything else in life.
You spoke about the product, and you mentioned the handheld vibrator. What else can we add to our play?
I think sensation play is a good place to start. Using your senses, intentionally activating certain senses, can help you not get distracted. It’s why people like blindfolds. It’s why quieting your ears can suddenly make your vision clearer. Blindfolds are great because they don’t distract people from what’s in their space.
Many people like to work with different textures of hot and cold, different immersive experiences that the body can go through to change state and physiology so they’re right in that moment together.
That’s so good right now, before Valentine’s Day. Put some blindfolds on, play with ice, and play with a safe candle or feather. Let’s go through that. We have ice, feathers, hot candles, and whips. What else can we have to increase sensations?
Some people like paddles. They’re a little bit different than a whip, but that’s a more hardcore version of a spank. Handcuffs immobilize certain parts of the body. Some people really love to learn handcuffs or Shibari, learning to tie each other up in a way that is reverent and not even ritualistic but has an art to it that has beauty infused in it.
I think you can also play with the edge of thrill by deciding to have sex in different places than you normally do. Usually, it’s the bedroom. Our sexuality thrives in novelty, so finding novel places to have sex. Go in the back of your car, bathroom, or kitchen table. The reason that they’re interesting in the first place is because it’s a new behavior.
I imagine us doing it on the kitchen table and our neighbor looking from the window.
Totally. Another one that a lot of people love is almost being seen, nearly being caught.
That’s funny. You said that many women like to be dominated. What is it about that feeling of helplessness that is so attractive?
A lot of men also like to be dominated, but we’ll focus on women. When you have a lot of control or holding that you have to do, holding of the house and family, making decisions all day long, and having a career, it’s like your brain’s always online. It’s always active. It’s always trying to go to the next thing. Being dominated requires you to surrender. Many people describe states of deep surrender as being almost like mindless, where the mind gets quiet.
It’s almost a space of oneness. You can just let go and allow. It’s beautiful.
To experience a level of trust, where someone else is in charge of how you’re moving or what your body is doing, releases you from being in charge at that moment. It creates this state shift, where suddenly you can just melt and not have to think. It’s a relief to feel that way for however long you’re in that state.
Our sexuality thrives in novelty, so finding novel places to have sex.
Is it the same psychology for somebody who wants dominance, where they feel weak and are dominant, or just like dominance because it’s fun?
I think it depends on the person. Dominance has a negative connotation because dominance is violence. If we pull them apart a little bit, dominance can also be associated with assertiveness, confidence, leadership, and directiveness. That’s a really attractive quality to a lot of people.
Many women that I know and a lot of women in general really like to experience their partners holding that type of energy because it’s trustable. It’s like, “Cool, he’s got this. I don’t have to think about everything. I don’t have to worry about every detail because he also has a forward-thinking vision.”
To bring that into the sexual realm of, “He’s got me. He’s able to hold and move my body in particular ways and feel me in ways that I didn’t even know I needed to be felt” is a relief of responsibility. It’s a surrender into experience and trust, which is nourishing for us.
Dominance is also an act of caring. Again, it depends on who does that and what their intention is, but it can actually come from a very beautiful, profound, loving place of pleasuring the partner, allowing him to be in that space of letting go, being creative for them, coming up with all kinds of fun things to do and sensations, actually pleasuring the other person from the place of being dominant.
What are the different types of orgasms? How can we get the most expensive one?
There are a lot of different thoughts on this. There are at least ten inside of the vagina. There’s the clitoral, and then there’s the G-spot, which is your urethral sponge. It’s the erectile tissue that’s wrapped around it. Right behind that, there’s the A-spot. At the back of the vaginal wall, there’s the cervix itself, and then there are a few spaces up and behind the cervix that have a lot of nerve endings that can be orgasmic as well.
When you have a lot of control, your brain is always online.
There’s the K-spot which is on the posterior vaginal wall, the one down by your bum. That’s deep internally, and then the perineal sponge, which is also on the vaginal floor, but about a tip of a finger length in. That’s just inside the vagina and the vulva. You have vestibular bulbs that cup and are underneath your outer labia. Those can be very orgasmic and pleasure-filled, and then many women can orgasm from nipple stimulation or anal stimulation.
Of course, if you’ve ever had orgasms in your sleep, the brain is the largest sex organ that we have. There are all of these components that go into orgasmic states that can involve all or many or some combination of each of those places on our body. If you look at traditions that have studied sexual pleasure for a long time, most of them will say, “Start with the outer limbs of the body.” I’m speaking specifically to the female body right now, which starts outer, then works inner, and then finds its place at the genitals.
By that time, the body’s warming up breasts, too. Start with the outer breasts. Don’t go straight for the nipples. Work your way towards the center. By that time, when you reach the center, if you’re stimulating her clitoris, she’ll likely be turned on a little bit at that point or at least warming up.
The clitoris is this gateway point. If you can have a clitoral orgasm and you reach climax, then enter and explore penetrative orgasms, which happen later once you’re in peak arousal, 20-40 minutes into stimulation. Cervical orgasms are likely to happen when you’re way in it. If you’ve had one, two, or three orgasms, you are wide open. You are totally in the moment. Your body is soft. There’s no tension in your pelvis, and you’re able to just breathe and be with that level of sensation. It’s like you work your way in. Clitoral, G-spot, then you can work your way back, A-zone, AFU zone, and then cervicals at the very back end.
That sounds amazing. It’s so funny. You’re talking to me, and I feel like I’m blushing. I don’t know why I’m blushing. I guess you’re talking to me. I feel a little uncomfortable here, but I’m trying to look really cool like that.
The sparked chemistry in a sexual relationship comes from allowing ourselves space and exploration to fully express our bodies.
I bet because this is what you do, you don’t ever feel embarrassed talking about sex, but have you ever felt embarrassed talking about sex in the past or transitioning from learning about women’s magic and whatever you learned in university to helping people with sex? Was it easy? Were you a little embarrassed in the beginning? How did it work for you?
I don’t think I was embarrassed. Certainly, it’s different, like in a professional setting, being able to say this stuff versus being real about my experience with my partner. I think it is actually more edgy because I can sit here all day and say orgasm, penis, vagina, and vulva, because I do it over and over and I have practice. But then, describing my own experience is much more confronting because it’s much more personal.
Right. Anything about communication in the bedroom? Any tips that you can give me will be great. I learned some things, but it’s nice to get to know more and have some more reminders.
I would say a couple of tips. If you need to have a big discussion, don’t do it when you’re trying to have sex. Set a time. Say, “This is such an important part of our life. Let’s set aside some time when we can dive in together.” In that way, whatever emotions come up can be dealt with as a conversation and not impact the sexual experience.
Second, communicating in the moment. Less is more. Short, clear, responsive words and directions but not lengthy directives. “That feels good” is great, or “Ouch, that hurts,” or “Oh, I don’t like that.” All really good, but they’re all really short sentences that provide, at the moment, immediate feedback because what starts to happen if we’re in a moment and you’re like, “Oh, that doesn’t feel good, and you always touch that spot,” you’re immediately in your head. Use short and sweet words and your body and voice to make it clear what you’re enjoying and what you’re not.
Dominance can be associated with assertiveness, confidence, leadership, and directiveness. Many people find these qualities attractive.
One more really important thing is just to set time. Set a time to do that of having pleasure, and give your partner a break.
I find myself sometimes having this unrealistic expectation from my poor husband. As I call it, I’m just putting you up to higher standards.
Yeah, I just want more for us.
I think, in general, a partnership is allowing people to make mistakes, just be who they are, and also not to see them—when we are with one partner for a long time, we think they are a certain way. Allowing ourselves to see outside the box and see them as infinite potential because if your partner didn’t do something a few years ago, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean he won’t do it tomorrow because we’re such dynamic human beings. We’re ever-evolving, shifting, changing. I’m not the person I was yesterday; I’m different today.
So, allowing that mindset and that story to set in, because you can look at your partner and say, “He’s ABC, and this is all he is,” or you can look at him and say, “He has a spark of God and infinite creation, he can be whatever I want. I’m going to create him in my world in a different way and also in my battle because why not have more pleasure because pleasure is awesome?”
Boom. That was a mic drop. We’re done. Thank you for coming.
Yes. Thank you so much for coming. I loved this conversation with you.
You’re so welcome.
It feels very comfortable. You made me feel very comfortable and safe in this conversation. So thank you so much.
Thank you. It was a joy.
Before we say goodbye, (1) What are your three top tips for living a stellar life? (2) Where can people find you and get those amazing, phenomenal products?
All right, here are three top tips for living a stellar life. (1) Play more. Play with your kids, play with your partner, and play with yourself, skip down the street. Look at how kids play and take notes because they’re really in the moment and full of joy.
(2) Be grateful. Look around and create a practice of gratitude for everything that you have because we have a negativity bias built into us biologically. Unless we train ourselves to notice the beauty, appreciate it, and be grateful for our lives, we will feel a lack of it and look at our lives from that place.
Taking time for yourself isn't just about self-pleasure. Alone time allows you to embrace sensual movement and connect with your body's sensations. Share on X(3) I’m such a hardcore food person and think that what we eat and how our relationship with food dictates so much of how we feel. To get into the right relation with food and where it comes from, shop at farmer’s markets, eat organically whenever possible, and make sure you’re getting whole nutrient-dense foods that connect to you, not just to your local ecosystem, the seasons, and what’s ripe at this moment, that connects you with the earth at large. I think those would be my three.
You can find me personally at kianareeves.com or on my Instagram, @kiana.reeves. FORIA is foriawellness.com and @foriawellness.
Right. Are people having session with you on Zoom? How do they have sessions with you?
I do private coaching, and then I also have a few courses that I offer on demand, and then this year I’ll have a big, nice long term one for women coming out.
You’re having a retreat coming up?
A long term course, it’ll be a 10 month course.
Wow, incredible. Wow. How amazing. Congratulations.
Thank you.
Yes. Bring more joy to the world. Yes, phenomenal. Awesome.
I love it. Thanks for celebrating that.
Thank you. Thank you, listener. Remember to play more with yourself, with your partner, with your kids, watch kids, see how they play, and model that. Be grateful for everything that you have, get into a beautiful relationship with food, and have a stellar life. This is Orion. Till next time.
Your Checklist of Actions to Take
{✓}Engage in activities that allow you to explore different sensations and reconnect with your body. Activities like sensual movement practices, mindful touch, or simply appreciating your body’s responses can help you reconnect with yourself.
{✓}Discover the concept of sexual polarity and how it can enhance passion and chemistry in your long-term relationships. Experiment with creating space and differentiation in your relationships to reignite your passion and desire.
{✓}Approach your relationship with curiosity and openness. Continuously explore and learn about yourself and your partner.
{✓}Schedule specific times to share fantasies and desires with your partner. Create a safe space for these discussions that is separate from sexual moments.
{✓}Nurture your own well-being and fulfillment outside of your relationship. Ensure that you’re bringing your best self to your partnership.
{✓}Infuse playfulness and creativity into your sexual experiences. Try new locations. Incorporate toys or props. Explore different roles or dynamics that align with your desires and boundaries.
{✓}Address past wounds through therapy to foster trust and vulnerability within your relationship. Recognize that you and your partner are both capable of dynamic growth.
{✓}Provide short, clear feedback to your partner during sexual encounters. Focus on what feels good or uncomfortable at the moment to enhance your pleasure.
{✓}Consider incorporating products designed for female pleasure, such as FORIA’s Awaken Arousal Oil and Intimacy Melts, to enhance arousal, relaxation, and overall sexual experience.
{✓}Connect with Kiana Reeves by visiting kianareeves.com or follow her on Instagram @kiana.reeves. Explore FORIA resources and wellness products at foriawellness.com or follow FORIA on Instagram @foriawellness.
Links and Resources
Connect with Kiana Reeves
YouTube Videos
Previous Stellar Life Episode
People
Foria Products
Further Resources
About Kiana Reeves
Kiana Reeves is a teacher, practitioner, speaker, and leading voice in the sexual wellness movement. For over a decade, Kiana has been studying sex, embodiment, intimacy, pleasure, birth, and wellness. Her work in this field ultimately led her to join Foria as Chief Content Officer, where she has helped grow and shape the brand over the last five years. Her approach is holistic and includes the emotional, biological, social, and spiritual nature of sex & intimacy. She is a certified somatic sex educator & sexological bodyworker, embodiment and intimacy coach, certified full spectrum doula, and mother.
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