A Personal Note from Orion

The people and situations that you attract in your life all depend on the type of energy that you choose to carry within you, and that which you choose to let go of. It’s important to realize the difference between the two because while you can’t avoid negative energy that comes to you, you can learn how to block or dispel it from your life and choose to focus on the positive. 

This is especially important in your relationships, particularly your marriage. Choosing to love your partner out of a place of positivity, developing a sense of when their energy gets low and needs a boost, will be essential to maintaining a happy and fulfilled relationship that is intensely connected. 

And if you are not in a relationship yet, but want to be, what has worked for my love coaching clients in the past is manifesting the love of their life not by envisioning who that person will be, but by working on themselves to become the person that will attract their soulmate. Dr. Laura Berman, my guest today, also believes in this power of manifestation, and the way in which energy affects our relationships – everything from electrifying things up in the bedroom, to maintaining constant attraction to one another, tune in to this episode to start spicing up your energy!

 

 

About Today’s Show

Hey, welcome to Stellar Life Podcast. How are you doing today? I am doing great. I actually had a really great day. I ate a lot of yummy organic fruits, like dates, grapes, and kiwis. It was really good. I also went to the Farmers’ Market and bought the most exquisite flowers so it was nice and I don’t know, it feels like a fresh day today. It’s good. Before I introduce my guest today, I want to ask you, my favorite listener, please go on iTunes, review the show. If you’re loving it, if you’re getting inspiration, if this makes your day, please make my day too and go be a kind human being and review the show because I haven’t gotten reviews lately and I’m concerned. Also, please connect with me. Go to orionsmethod.com, there is a contact form where you can contact me. We can talk, we can chat. If you want to share something lovely with me, if you want to share something not that lovely with me, I’ll be here for you. We can also work together on a coaching basis. If you’re interested in transformation coaching or love coaching, just be in touch. I just want to hear from you. So this is orionsmethod.com or stellarlifepodcast.com. 

My guest today is the extraordinary Dr. Laura Berman. Dr. Berman is a world-leading expert in sex, love, and relationships. She is an award-winning host of the nationally syndicated show, Uncovered Radio with Dr. Laura Berman and the New York Times bestselling author of eight books. She hosted and starred in several TV shows including OWN’s In the Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman, The Dr. Laura Berman Show, and Sexual Healing on Showtime. And now without further ado, on to the show.

Hey Laura, welcome to Stellar Life Podcast. It’s great to have you here.

It’s good to be with you.

Thank you. Before we start, can you share a little bit about yourself?

Well, I am an expert and a therapist in sex, love, and relationships for 20+ years. I have a radio show syndicated around the country, Uncovered Radio with Dr. Laura Berman. I’ve written about nine books, most recently, Quantum Love. I’m on the planet to help us all learn to love and be loved better. That’s what I’m about.

That sounds wonderful. In 20 years, did your approach toward attracting love change?

Absolutely. It continues to evolve. Whatever you’re into, if you’re into it, it’s fun. For me, I find it so fascinating because I have been able to watch not only the social evolution around attitudes towards sex, sexual issues, sexual challenges, relationship issues, dating, and attracting love. It’s also changed my work as I evolved as well in my own life and in the people that I worked with.

What changed?

A lot has changed. It’s really been like a cycle. I remember during the peak of the HIV and AIDS crisis, for instance. We became really sex-negative as a society. Sex was something scary, wrong, and bad. I remember when Viagra came out, that was sort of a big cultural shift. People started joking about sex and talking about it on television in many ways. Up until that point, I had a media career for a long time, I wasn’t allowed to say the word “sex” or “orgasm” or anything on air.

After the Viagra thing, that started to really change. People started to have fun with sex again. Now, we’re sort of moving into the era—in my and my mother’s generation, we’ve been raising children—to feel much more comfortable in our bodies and our sexualities. Now, the under 35 are in a very different position than the under 35s were a generation ago. 

With the advent of social media and the internet, people don’t feel as isolated. Those with unusual sexual needs or wants or looking for love can find others so much easier. That’s a blessing but it can also create challenges in terms of having too much choice, or cheating, or seeing so many younger couples now who are struggling with intimacy because they’re spending their evening on their laptops rather than hanging out with each other. It’s been interesting to watch how things evolved and changed and to work with that.

Quantum physics has the capability to harness our body's energy and manifest the life we most desire. Click To Tweet

Even in my own life, someone who’s written so many books, my book agent kept saying to me, “Okay, so what’s your next book?” I kept saying, “I don’t have one. I just can’t regurgitate. I’ve written everything I want to say about sex and love.” Then, my mother died very suddenly. Breast cancer. I, at aged 40, found out that I had breast cancer as well in the same breast that she did. Neither one of us had any genetic risk factors. I really had to stop my life. My family and my kids started to fall apart. It was through that I really stumbled into what ultimately became my most recent book which is Quantum Love. That changed at a whole new layer to the work that I do with people around finding love, growing love, and keeping love because it’s all about what quantum physics has to teach us about how we can harness our body’s energy to create and manifest the life we most desire.

How so?

The bottom line is we now know based on the past 100 years of science, it’s only been in the past 100 years, that we are all pure vibrating atoms. We seem solid. Those things around us seem solid. We seem separate when we’re standing in a room together. My body and your body are separate but in reality, on an atomic level, they are not. We’re all connected. We now know that every emotional state we hold in our bodies which are constantly shifting and changing has an energetic frequency that isn’t just relegated to our body, it emanates out. They’ve been able to measure it up to 30ft. and it’s probably much more. That’s just with our current technology. 

There’s all this fascinating data and science to show how we are basically all like human tuning forks—constantly matching each other’s energetic frequencies. Those frequencies are constantly changing. There was a system I was to hone in and create. I first try it to my kids to help them. Then, when I saw how much it helped them, I started playing with it on my beloved guinea pig—my husband. What I saw how it affected him, I was like, “Okay, I got to start teaching couples that.” 

Basically, what I teach is how to move your body into what I call hum frequency or the quantum love zone and how to really connect with how that feels in your body. The truth is if you can hold those frequencies, not only does everyone around you match you,  you attract in a very different kind of potential mate and your partner shows up for you in a very different kind of way—the way that you want.

Your entire life changes. If you can just hold those higher frequencies 51% of the time, the whole world matches you. It’s something that we’re all doing naturally, we just aren’t aware that we’re doing it. Once you become aware and you can start to practice, then, you really start to see the magic happen.

For single women or men that are struggling to find love, what are some ways for them to hold that frequency? If it’s like they focus on what’s not there, they focus on, “All the good ones are taken.

Yeah, that’s a low-frequency thinking. That perpetuates what Quantum Love is talking about. It’s the secret behind the secret. It’s what makes manifesting and attracting things into you or the secret, whatever you want to call it, work. We all do this, when we adopt these stories, “If I were different…” “I’m the wrong size.” “I’m the wrong shape.” “I’m the wrong height.” “All the good ones are taken.” “They always leave.” “Women are all money grabbers.” Whatever that story is that you’re attached to, that becomes your body’s frequency and communication with the world around you. That’s why you’re actually going to attract in that which confirms your beliefs about yourself and love. 

One of the things that I love to do and find so effective in those that are looking for love is don’t even thinking about what you want in a partner. Like what job they should have, how they should look, how many kids they should or shouldn’t have, whether they’ve ever been married or divorced, forget all of that for now. Just focus and get really clear on the top five ways you want to feel in love. It’s the feelings that bring in that which you want to create. 

Everyone’s going to have a different list. There may be some commonalities but one person may say, “Okay, the question is if I have that person and I’m waking up next to them every single day, how am I feeling in love?” For some, it may be cherished, or safe, or passionate, or playful, or adventurous, or compassionate, or romantic—whatever. Choose your top five. Then, there are several steps to this. One, you want to get into the practice of moving your body into those frequencies and those feelings that you want to experience in love. Moving your body into the frequency of playfulness, or adventure, or romance, as much as possible.

How do you do that? Do you listen to music?

There are lots of ways to do that. There are practical ways. One way, I have people just choose one a week to work on. It’s hard to do all of this at once. This week, I’m going to focus on playfulness. There’s a couple of things I’m going to do. One is I’m going to wear that lens. That means that as I walk about in the world, I’m looking for opportunities to be playful. Not even with someone else or with my special someone I’m going to manifest. The more I see some kids swinging in the park on my way to work, I’m going to stop and get on the swings with them. I’m going to be silly on my lunch break. I’m going to go to a comedy club. Whatever it is that’s playful to you, you’re seeking opportunities to be in the energy of playfulness in your day to day life.

Two things will happen. One, you’re going to be in that frequency of playfulness which just brings more playfulness to you. Second, you’re going to meet lots of other people who are playful. That may be a significant other or maybe someone who knows your significant other to be and he’s going to introduce you. You now are attracting a magnet for playfulness in this case. That’s sort of in a practical realm.

In a quantum realm, what you’re doing is through visualization. On my website, I’ve had a bunch of guided meditations. One of them I call openhearted meditations. It shows you this process that you can insert in this case, playfulness, into the same process. Basically, what you do, and I can take you quickly to the process to show you if you want, is you go in your imagination to a scenario—an ideal scenario—where you would be feeling that feeling. In this example, playfulness. Maybe it would be you and your potential mate, whoever that is. Maybe you don’t even see his or her face jumping on the bed or wrestling or cracking up or running barefoot in the rain. Whatever is playful to you. You imagine that scene in your mind as if it’s happening right here and now in the first person. You aren’t seeing it as yourself, you’re actually seeing yourself as if you’re doing it. You can look down and see your feet splashing in the puddles. You can smell, you can see, and you’re using all the senses you can imagine because the body and the brain won’t know the difference between reality and rehearsal.

What you’re doing when you go into that imagining place is moving your body which is your instrument into the frequency of that which you desire. Now, it’s like a calling card to the quantum field. That is the secret behind the secret.

Right. What if you were playful and people around you are not?

Then, you’re not a frequency match for them. What will start to happen is when you raise your frequency some people will drift away from you or won’t want to hang with you. You’re going to attract a lot of other people who are much more aligned with that which you want to create. That’s one thing now. 

Focus on the top five ways you want to feel in love because these feelings that bring in what you want to create. Click To Tweet

If with your partner and you’re already with someone, let’s say, married to someone, or in a committed relationship, you’re frustrated because you want more playfulness. That person isn’t for you in a playful way. Then, it’s really the same thing. You’re not going to go skipping around a partner while they’re pouting, I’m not saying to be insensitive. 

This is one of the coolest things I discovered in my research of the science that has already been done and is continuing to be done is that those of us who are in close relationships whether it’s with our parents, kids, or partners, we are what we call atomically entrained to each other. If all of us are harmonizing with each other all the time, those of us in close relationships are harmonizing even more intensely. We’re actually entangled. Our atoms are entangled, which means that if I were to take one of your gazillion atoms and one of your partner’s, I split them apart. I took one to China, left the other one in Chicago, and spun one in the opposite direction, the other would simultaneously start spinning in the opposite direction. We are so connected.

That was one of the most astounding things that really led to the creation of Quantum Love. My husband, I swear the guy can argue in the Supreme Court, he’s not a lawyer but he’s so smart, so grounded, so hard to win an argument with, and often so stubborn. What I found, I started kind of experimenting on him without him knowing it. The man who would never lose the train of thought in the middle of an argument, just kind of sit down and cuddle me or he would show up in a totally different way because of the frequency that I was setting and holding. He can’t help but match me. That’s what happened.

I like it. It reminds me of my husband and I. I’m more of the fire, the storm, the playful, childlike. He’s more of the left brain.

I call him senior root chakra. 

We’re very different in that aspect. We’ve been together for six years now and it looks like some of the qualities are probably rubbing off on me. Also, mine are rubbing off on him. Sometimes he’ll do stuff and be playful. I’m like, “Wow, you really remind me of me right now. Who are you?” 

That’s right. They do start matching you. Especially, I live in a house, I have my husband and three sons and none of them want to listen to me. All of them have their own opinions and once I learned how to do this, I don’t even need to say anything. They just all do, basically, I don’t use it for evil but if there is a trip going on or I want a conversation to go well or I want them to show up in a certain way, I just move myself to the frequency which I desire and they get right in line.

When you specifically move into that frequency, what do you do?

Well, this is one of the cool things about this practice is that as you practice it, it’s so natural to us. It just gets conditioned out of us. This is like a relearning of what you already know. Once you learn how to do it, you can actually do it without thought. 

Let’s say we were going to my eldest son’s graduation and my whole family was coming and it’s a very complicated family dynamic and we got the narcissist, the borderlines, it’s a mess and I always dread it. I really want this to be special for my eldest son and I wanted it to be good for me and everyone. I got really clear. I saw all of these visions like all of us sitting around the table and laughing and being in peace. Peace, I got very clear with what I wanted. I didn’t need everyone to be on their best behavior. I didn’t need everyone to love every minute. I just wanted peace, peace in everyone’s hearts. I got so clear and was so in peace when I went that they all just entrained to me and I very consciously held that frequency.

I can move into these feelings without thought, now. Like before I walk into a meeting or before I go and have a difficult conversation. I imagine how I want it to go, I move, I can feel in my body. Once you start practicing this, you know what it feels in your body to be in that home frequency spot which is really anywhere from optimism and so on. Optimism, hopefulness, forgiveness, elation, lust, passion, excitement, curiosity. Anything from curiosity up is going to bring amazing things to you.

It’s when we stay stuck in anger, shame, and guilt which are the lowest frequency emotions. Resentment, frustration, jealousy, those sort of lower frequency emotions just create more of that in your life.

How do you move up in the emotional scale from anger and jealousy to happiness and bliss?

Yeah, none of us will be on a mountain top with the Dalai Lama if we were in happiness and bliss.

I met the Dalai Lama. I saw him in Dharamsala. That was awesome.

He’s enlightened. None of us can stay in that enlightened state all the time and that’s part of the fun of being here. I really believe that we are spirits having a human experience and part of the reason we come to do this is so we can experience it all and have the evolution and know that if you feel elation and joy, and never feeling sorrow and pain, you don’t know what elation and joy really feels like.

We need contrast to appreciate. We need the contrast to be our campus and guide.

Quantum love is this idea of the Energy Home Frequency Index, I call it the EFI but it looks almost like an infinity symbol and that sort of typical place we live. A lot of that has to do with our conditioning and how we were raised and how much joy and elation we were allowed to show growing up versus use your indoor voice or you’re too loud or whatever. We have this kind of pattern; this place we tend to stay on what I call the Quantum Love Scale or Quantum Love Map. Somewhere in between one level and another. 

For some of us, it might be we vacillate between resentment and optimism, right? For another one, it may be that we vacillate between jealousy and elation. Everyone’s different and in different areas of our lives, we’re different. I may have a different pattern in areas of relationships than I do in my work or in my family relationships. Getting a sense of where you tend to live is really important and then it’s about the place from which our feelings come which is what sets our frequency is our beliefs. Every feeling we have is based on thought and our thoughts are created because of our beliefs.

The way that you change your frequency is starting to get clear on those beliefs you carry with you that aren’t serving you and that are arguable and that aren’t necessarily true. It may be about love. It may be about your desirability. It may be about your ability to earn money. It may be about your ability to be worthy of love. Whatever that is, we all have these stories, many of which we adapted growing up, many of which were overtly taught to us growing up, and many of which we just created assumptions around.

There’s even some evidence that some of it is genetic, right? We’re predisposed for certain systems of beliefs. Getting clear on those areas in your life that aren’t working as you want them to, getting clear on what the beliefs are that are no longer serving you and then setting about slowly shifting and changing and challenging those beliefs.

Manifesting fun and playfulness is how you and your partner develop the highest frequency. Click To Tweet

It reminds me of Byron Katie‘s work where to challenge the beliefs, she gives you the four questions and when something happens and you think, for example, this person doesn’t like me so you ask yourself those four questions.

Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true? How do you react? What happens when you believe that thought? And who would you be without that thought?

And when you ask those four questions, you already get clarity about your beliefs and there’s almost a rewire because you don’t believe your thoughts, your thoughts can be untrue.

Every thought that we have is arguable. You are absolutely right and I love Byron Katie and her book, you’re talking about Loving What Is, right? One of the things I find so fascinating about exactly what you’re saying is that there’s real evidence to show that negative thinking or any kind of thinking–but for most of us it’s negative thinking–is addictive physiologically. What happens is with every feeling and thought that you have, your brain releases a cascade of neurochemicals for every millisecond.

Let’s say you’re someone who has been living in a lot of low-frequency emotions; stress, anxiety, jealousy, resentment, shame, or guilt. That’s a place you’ve been living for a while most of the time. Your brain is constantly sending down neuropeptides that are like a unique cocktail for those systems of thoughts and feelings you’re having. 

What starts to happen is that our cells, every single one of them, when they’re used to getting a certain cocktail of neuropeptides, build receptors on the outside of the cells to be more efficient like a catcher’s net for those unique neuropeptides that they’re expecting. To the point of when they divide, they divide with those receptors in place.

We have a conversation like this, someone listening is saying, “Okay, I’m going to challenge your belief. I’m going to think positive.” And then we do, that’s the big part of it. The reason why all of a sudden when you intend to do this, you pick a fight with your partner, or you’re all of a sudden think of something that upsets you, or despite all your best efforts, you go back to your old frequency because you’re literally moving your cells past an accidental addiction to the thought they’re used to.

We get addicted to those thoughts. It reminds me of a metaphor from Louise Hay where she describes the mind like a jungle where there is the path of happiness and the path of darkness.

If you keep thinking the dark thoughts, that path of happiness is going to shrink and it’s going to be closed off in the jungle so every day you have to open that path of happiness by retraining your thoughts.

Absolutely, and the lens you wear. I love doing this when I’m speaking in a big group of people. I’ll say, “Okay, I want you to take five seconds and look around this room. In five seconds, we’re going to come back. I want you to notice everything that is brown in this room. Just pay attention to everything that’s brown,” And then after five seconds, “Okay, now name everything you saw that was yellow or whatever color it might be.” If you’re looking for brown, you’re going to find brown. If you’re looking for yellow, you’re going to find yellow. 

If you’re looking for things your partner is doing right, you’re going to find them. If you have a story that your partner is selfish, or that all the good ones are taken, or that romance is dead, or whatever your story is, I promise you will find evidence for that wherever you go. When you make a commitment to change the lens you’re wearing when you’re looking for things to appreciate or feel playful about, feel hopeful about, feel curious about, or feel excited about. When you’re looking for those things, you will find them.

It’s your RAS, your reticular activating system where whatever you look for, you will find. It’s what you focus on. When I wanted to attract my soulmate it happened really magically. I was in a seminar and then I sat by a little waterfall at the end of the day and I sang a song that I wrote when I was 16. Then I had this experience, I was crying and laughing, almost releasing a lot of trauma and pain. Then, I wrote my relationship vision which was who do I want? But most importantly is, who do I need to become to attract that person? Do I need to grow kinder and more loving? How am I going to show it in my relationship? And actually, I saw it and visualized it. Within 48 hours, I was introduced to my husband. Nine days later, he proposed to me on a hot air balloon in Vegas.

And I said no, even though it was a captive audience.

Yes. That’s what my husband says because we got married on a hot air balloon.

Oh my god, that’s awesome.

He said you couldn’t escape.

I was like I couldn’t escape but I was no, I’m true to myself because you have to be true to yourself. When you’re really longing for love, you have to give yourself the grace to make sure you are safe and that you are okay with attracting that love and to put those boundaries before you get into a relationship but also in a relationship. What is your advice on creating boundaries and relationships?

Those are hard and as a recovering co-dependent, I know how hard they are. And anyone, including myself and you, most of us who had trauma, boundaries are especially hard because they are scary. For someone who grew up with any kind of abuse, addiction, lots of criticism, or abandonment, boundaries are especially hard because there’s a constant fear that if you erect them and hold them too firmly even if it just means disappointing someone, that you would lose people, or you would push them away, or that makes you a bad person, or you said about setting the boundaries. And then when that person that you care about so deeply doesn’t want you to hold them or pushes too hard, you give in and you backtrack.

You’re basically trespassing on yourself which is one of the most painful things to do to yourself. I think it’s a practice. What I like to have people do is the more you build self-love and the more that you create spiritual practice–whatever your spiritual practice is–you’re recognizing truly that you are embodied. You are the embodiment of divine infinite power. As you can start to cultivate that, do any kind of spiritual practice that speaks to you, it’s so much easier to set those boundaries.

What I find is that for those of us who grew up never having that practice, never understanding that, we source our safety outside ourselves. Physically safety has to be clearly sourced but I’m talking about emotional safety. It’s easy to set boundaries, you’re not going to hit me, your hard nose. I’m not going to date someone who does drugs or whatever. 

You can have your hard nose here but it’s more on the softer note, those emotional boundaries, the ability to really stand for how you want to be treated, or hold your own autonomy in a relationship and independence in a relationship. To have your own needs met and not forsake your own needs too much in order to meet someone else’s. 

That’s the stuff where I think it’s hardest for people. If you practice really building that deeper connection to yourself, and you’re divine, and your practice with those state situations like maybe it’s just setting a boundary for what you want to eat for dinner, whatever it is. I think that reminds me that also being in your body is really necessary for setting boundaries. This is something that I personally had to learn. 

Our bodies are separate but on an atomic level, we're all connected. Click To Tweet

I remember that there was this epiphany with my husband inside my own mind that I was really working on. This was a long time ago and I was working on embodiment because I would leave my body all the time and I was barely home. I was practicing on getting clear on what I want. That’s really the key on a boundary, what do you want, and knowing that you don’t need a reason to want what you want. You don’t need an excuse, you don’t need a good reason, you just want what you want, period. 

I was trying to set about making constant practice checking in with myself and noticing what I want and I talk to my husband. We were going to order dinner, we were going to order out and it was getting close to dinner time and I noticed I was hungry. I automatically say to him what I always said, “I’m hungry. What do you want for dinner?” And then try on all the things he suggested and say yay or nay. It was like this ridiculous epiphany where I was like, “Oh, wait a minute. What do I want for dinner?”

Offer that to him which he loves. He doesn’t care, one way or the other. That was a really big boundary for me at that time.

Yes. What are some of your biggest communication tools? The best communication tools that you use in your own relationship.

I think for all of them, boundaries are obviously important. Knowing what you want. For me, and I think for everyone, it’s about really carefully listening. That’s something I always struggle with. Listening, not to respond, not to be defensive but really listening and not really trying to empathize with the other person’s point of view. And of course, offering yours and getting really clear on where that boundary is. Because for many of us, we’ll give in to everything. For others of us, we’ll fight all day long for every little thing.

A healthy relationship is always balancing that win-win. We just did that earlier today. One of my kids had his school conference and I know my husband hates to go to the school conferences so I didn’t even talk to him about that. I was like, “Look, I’m going to go to the school conference but I have to be home at this time for Orion’s podcast so you come to school.” That was our win-win because I know he didn’t want to go but I didn’t want to stay the whole time because I want to come and talk to you. It was a win-win. It was a way in which we both had our needs met.

That’s good.

I think that’s always going for in a relationship and I think most of us have not learned how to fight well. I think that’s the biggest promise that we fight to win and not for the relationship. We lose sight of the relationship in the effort, we kind of go into this PTSD state where we have to be right, or we have to win, or we can’t be wrong. That’s where I see the biggest communication issues in relationships.

How do you keep the fire alive in the relationship?

I think if you ask me this question at the beginning of my career, I probably would have answered it differently. A lot of my books have all sorts of stuff about spicing it up and the truth is what I realized especially with Quantum Love, moving through that period of my life, is that I can give you 365 fantasies, role-plays, toys, tools, and have a line of sexual devices. I coach people around doing this sort of thing. I think it’s amazing and important. 

However, if I gave you 365 of those things and a year or a year and a couple of months, maybe a couple of them you do more than once, you’re coming back and asking for more. 

What we’re looking for when we talk about spice is not when you’re talking monogamous relationship. One way to have spice is to not be monogamous? But that isn’t true for most of us in this society. For those of us in monogamous relationships, once you try something, it’s no longer a novelty. Novelty is not really what we’re looking for—we get what we’re looking for through novelty but that’s only one way.

Back to the feeling, what we’re really looking for is intensity. What creates intensity? It’s a little bit different for everyone but I can tell you, deepening the spiritual aspects of your sexual connection. I have a whole chapter, my book called Loving Sex, moving this sexual energy around your body and into your partner’s and out from your partner’s, and creating circles and patterns, and pulling it in to the top of your head, and pulling it up from the base of your spine, and practicing Tantra and soul gazing.

There’re so many ways to create a whole new level of intensity every single time where you still work in the fantasies, and the outfits, roleplays, all of that, the toys, that’s great. But that’s the icing on the already intense cake.

What do you think about BDSM?

I think it’s fine. Rule of thumb, honestly, as long as it’s consensual and doesn’t involve children or animals, it’s fine. I think there’s a range, obviously. I’ve worked with so many victims through the years who have found tremendous healing through playing that role on one side or the other in a relationship. I worked with so many couples who enjoy that. 

Certainly, Fifty Shades of Grey has normalized that for people. I think it has to be consensual and thoughtful. You certainly want to have a safe word if you’re really going for it and make sure that you have that consent, but I do think that a lot of people are attracted.

I got interviewed so much when Fifty Shades of Grey came out, everyone was calling me. Why is this such a phenomenon? Why are women so excited about this? I honestly think that it’s this idea of surrender, that this idea, for women in particular, that I have this man—who romance novel, he’s rich, whatever—who is taking me over and has my pleasure in mind, but I can completely surrender is really enticing.

I think it’s enticing for two reasons. One, most of the women that were crazy about this were middle-aged housewives and nobody is taking care of them, and they are taking care of everyone else. Also, so many women had inhibitions and insecurities around their sexuality. It’s the same thing that was at work generations ago.

I remember my mother reading Harlequin romance novels and it was the same thing. Those novels were about the man showing up on the horse on the beach, sweeping you away, kidnapping you, or something else. It’s a way to not take responsibility for your own sexual pleasure. If you’re not doing it and someone else is taking you over and forcing you, then you can enjoy it. What I really want to see is if you’re into BDSM, be into it, that’s fine. But don’t do it or don’t only be into it because you can’t really claim your own sexuality and feel good about really enjoying it and I see that happen a lot.

I took a year-long Mastermind with this sexologist named Jaiya and she’s got sexual blueprints and how we are all different. Some of us are more energetic, some of us are more sensual, some of us are sexual, some of us are into kink. Usually, most people will have two of the traits and they will attract the person that has the opposite. There is a way to stack them and bridge the gap.

There’s always a way to bridge the gap. I do think that some sort of polarity helps creates passion in a long term relationship, whether that’s the masculine and the feminine, the surrender and the dominance—whatever it is, having that polarity is a big part of sustaining the passion for short.

What do you think about watching porn?

I don’t think it’s bad. I think there is a healthy place for porn. I have women call my radio show all the time saying, “I caught my husband. I told him he couldn’t look at porn and I caught him on it.” They all look at porn, it is everywhere and it is insidious. It’s how you use it and why you’re using it that matters.

I am concern with younger people, especially young boys. There’s even some interesting data coming up that it can change their brains, make it hard to get aroused with a real woman one day. I am concern about that being for lots of reasons—that being the sex education that many young boys and man are getting these days, not only because that’s not what real women and men look like, or what turns them on but because of these other reasons.

A healthy relationship is always balancing that win-win. There are no losers in the story. Click To Tweet

Obviously, there’s a huge increase in porn addiction with the accessibility to it, but to me, that’s like any other addiction. You’re using porn to run away from that which you can’t be with, to fill that empty hole inside you. If porn is being used as just something fun or kinky, or to spice things up from time to time and for release, it’s fine. It’s when it starts to take things over and it starts to get in the way of your ability to sustain a healthy relationship with someone else. That’s when you’re no longer in the driver seat, and you’re not in control, and you can’t help but watch it for 6 hours at a time, that’s a problem.

Some people have tendencies to get addicted to it. I guess, for them, it’s a no-no. Don’t even start.

If you have an addictive personality, you want to be careful. Most of the time, porn addiction is simultaneous with some other kind of addiction or a history of addiction. You have to be careful just like you are with alcohol or drugs if you come from addiction or have an addictive personality.

What do you see as conscious sex?

I think they’re levels, it’s on a continuum. To me, there are levels of conscious sex. The very baseline level is it’s consensual and it is mutual. That means that you are both fully present in your body and fully present with the others, all the way up to transcendental, Tantric, experiences of sexual connection. I think it’s everywhere in between and every time you have sex isn’t necessarily going to be a transformative experience.

There are all kinds of sex. There’s maintenance sex, spicing it up sex, there’s vacation sex, there’s Sunday sex. Everyone has different kinds of sex. It’s really about the attitude with which you approach it and the reverence with which you hold it. Sexual energy is the highest frequency energy and it is heavy manifesting energy.

It’s wonderful, even before self-stimulation, before sex with someone else. If you set an intention, you’re literally sending that out on the highest frequency energy into the universe. If you do that before orgasm or before sex. Orgasm, in particular, is the highest frequency energy.

It’s really about merging ourselves and a lot of what I try to talk to women about is it’s important to be conscious who you have sex with, not only for women but for men too. We are the receiver in, so whether you’re a male with male and you’re the receiver, or you’re a female with male and you are the receiver, there is an energetic hangover that remains.

I write a lot about that. I actually have a sexual healing line that is coming out next month where it combines a Rose Quartz wand, a guided meditation, some really beautiful healing bath salts, and a sacred candle. You do this kind of ceremony and it’s been beautiful for the women I’ve worked in particular, who have sexual trauma histories. Even if you’ve had a bad relationship or you want to let someone fully go that you do Rose Quartz is extremely absorbent and it absorbs energy. There’s a process for literally releasing that old negative sexual energy that you may be accidentally still holding in your body.

Wow, that’s amazing.

I’ll send you one when it comes out. I have a new lubricant that’s coming out too. We’re all high high-grade organic of fractionated coconut oil, damiana, CBD, Vitamin E.

Wow. That sounds amazing.

It is customized but it’s amazing. I’m so excited about it.

It’s on your website, you have lots of toys.

Lots of toys, yeah.

People can play with and also lots of resources. It’s a fascinating website and I think everybody should go and check it out. Where should they go and what should they get?

Definitely go to my website which is drlauraberman.com. Check out the Quantum Love page, there are guided meditation there, you can get the books there. You can go to the shopping page if you want to look at all the toys and books that I’ve written. Follow me on all platforms—Instagram, Facebook, Twitter—all at drlauraberman.com.

I have a bunch of fun things that are going to be coming out over the next several months. I’ll keep everyone posted. If you go to drlauraberman.com, I actually have a free program right on the home page called Seven Days To Better Sex. It incorporates a lot of what we’ve talked about actually but each day you get a video and written material with homework, and if you do the program for 7 days whether you’re looking for love or you’re already in love, it really will jumpstart things for you.

That sounds fantastic. Everybody, go get it.

Go get it now.

Your books are probably unbelievable. I know you have a podcast and blog post, there are tons of resources on the website.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for being here. Before we say goodbye, what are your three top tips to living a Stellar Life?

I would say cultivating every single day, that divine connection I talked about—whether it’s through meditation, prayer, connection—whatever that is, but really committing and cultivating that to working with your lands, really paying attention to the lands that you wake up with. Tuning in to yourself, setting your intentions for the day and choosing where you’re going to put your attention. Especially if you’re in a relationship if you can just really focus, even if you make it a practice to come up with five genuine things to appreciate about your partner every single day, even better if you share it, that alone will transform your relationship.

Beautiful. Thank you so, so much for being here.

You’re so, so welcome. Thank you for having me.

Yeah. Thank you, listeners. Remember to cultivate your divine connection, set your intentions for the day, remember to love and cherish yourself, and have a Stellar Life. This is Orion, until next time.

Your Checklist of Actions to Take

{✓} Focus on the feelings you want to experience in your ideal relationship rather than a list of qualities you are looking for in a partner. 
{✓} Practice guided meditation to always keep your mindset in check. Remember what is truly important and try not to focus on superficial things.  
{✓} Don’t dwell on resentment, frustration, or jealousy. These types of low-frequency emotions tend to build up and consume your thoughts which can be harmful to your relationship.
{✓} Happiness won’t appear out of thin air. You need to seek it out. Maintaining a great relationship also involves teamwork and a lot of effort.  
{✓} Develop a spiritual practice both individually and as a partnership. Let moments with the divine strengthen your faith in your higher power and between each other.
{✓} Discuss boundaries and be clear about what each partner does and does not want in the relationship. Communicate these openly in a loving, nurturing way. 
{✓} Learn to listen intently to your partner and your inner voice as well. Pay attention to subtle hints or body language and make your partner feel they are seen, heard and appreciated.
{✓} Always aim for the win-win. Argue not to prove a point, but to reach the best outcome for your relationship.
{✓} Experiment with intimacy. Don’t be afraid to have some fun and explore each other’s desires.
{✓} Grab a copy of Laura Berman’s book, Quantum Love: Use Your Body’s Atomic Energy to Create the Relationship You Desire.

Links and Resources

About Dr. Laura Berman

Dr. Laura Berman is a world’s leading expert in sex, love, and relationships. She is the award-winning host of the nationally syndicated show, Uncovered Radio with Dr. Laura Berman. and a best-selling NY Times author of eight books, She hosted and starred in several television shows, including OWN’s In the Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman, The Dr. Laura Berman Show, and Sexual Healing on Showtime.

Disclaimer: The medical, fitness, psychological, mindset, lifestyle, and nutritional information provided on this website and through any materials, downloads, videos, webinars, podcasts, or emails are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical/fitness/nutritional advice, diagnoses, or treatment. Always seek the help of your physician, psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist, certified trainer, or dietitian with any questions regarding starting any new programs or treatments or stopping any current programs or treatments. This website is for information purposes only, and the creators and editors, including Orion Talmay, accept no liability for any injury or illness arising out of the use of the material contained herein, and make no warranty, express or implied, with respect to the contents of this website and affiliated materials.