Episode 169 | May 21, 2019

Soulful Passionate Relationships with Dave & Yvette Ulloa

A Personal Note from Orion

As the saying goes, no good thing comes easy, and that is especially true for Marriages. While you may consider the act of getting married the ultimate culmination of a relationship, in fact, getting married is just the beginning of a long, bumpy, exciting, risky journey. Marriage is something you constantly work on, because the commitment to be fully present for your partner as you both continue to evolve over the years is no easy feat.

However, when you do put in the effort, you’ll find that having a committed partner, friend, lover, and all that entails within relationships is what makes life worth living. There are ways that you can balance each other, play on your masculine/feminine energies, listen to each other, love each other and most of all respect each other, for the individuals that you are and for the way your partner brings out the best in you.

There is no one better to provide guidance on how to make your marriage flourish than my beloved married friends, Dave and Yvette Ulloa. This couple is extraordinary. They’ve been married for 19 years and they’re very passionate about their relationship and empowering others. They both graduated from Tony Robbins Senior Leadership, and are certified NLP practitioners. They’ve been travelling the world full time for the past 13 years, speaking on stages as large as 25,000 people. Tune in to learn how to put the spark back into your marriage!


About Today’s Show

Hello and welcome to Stellar Life Podcast. My guests today are very special and dear to my heart. It’s my friends Dave and Yvette Ulloa. I love them personally. I think we know each other for almost six years now. It’s always been fun hanging out with them. I feel like Yvette and I have this really fun connection. We laugh a lot when we see each other.

This couple is extraordinary. They’re not just genuine, sweet, kind people, and are mega successful in life, but also, they’re very successful in their relationships. They’ve been married for 19 years and they’re very passionate about life, their relationship, empowering others, and they really focus on having a truly soulful, happy, joyful, and passionate relationship.

They both graduated from Tony Robbins’ Senior Leadership, which is the circle where I met them, and they are certified NLP practitioners. They’ve been traveling the world full time for the past 13 years, speaking on stages as large as 25,000 people, as far as Africa and Australia. Dave leads Warrior’s Code, a man’s retreat and both lead Extraordinary Relationships, a retreat for couples to take their love, adventure, and passion to a new level. Now, without further ado, on to the show.

Hello, Dave and Yvette, and welcome to Stellar Life Podcast.

Y: Hello, Orion. It’s so great to be here.

D: Thank you, Orion, for having us.

It’s so great to talk to you. I missed you guys so much because we haven’t seen each other for a long time. I’ve been watching you grow and evolve from far away and it’s just beautiful to watch you guys. I love you guys.

D: You’re so sweet, Orion. Thank you. Love your energy and we love all the goodness you’re putting out in the world as well. Thank you for having us.

So for our listeners, why don’t you share a little bit about yourselves and your passion.

Y: Absolutely. Dave and I met 20 years ago. I was working for the city of Burbank, his sister was my intern, she kept on telling about this amazing brother she had, living in Australia. At the time Dave was playing professional basketball in Australia. She was sending photos of me to him, showing me his photos, and trying to play Cupid.

One day, Dave came home on vacation, and we just had this amazing magnetism between the two of us, but more like a friendship. We loved each other’s personalities. We knew he would be going back to Australia, but then Cupid hit us, and life was never the same again.

Instead of trying to fix the other person, why don't we work on ourselves? Click To Tweet

D: Yeah, it turns out, I never went back to Australia, and we started our romance, and it’s been 20 years since then.

Wow, what’s the average that marriages last usually? Is it like two years, something like that?

Y: I don’t know the average time, but what I do know is that 60% of marriages end up in divorce, at least.

Yeah, specifically. Twenty years is a long time. It’s a long enough time for people to have their mind changed, their heart changed, or just people sometimes grow apart. What helped you guys stay together? What was the glue?

D: Well, it definitely wasn’t all peaches and roses for sure. We went through the honeymoon phase, and then after about two years of having a good relationship, all of a sudden, we started to grow apart. We were working so hard and financially stressed out. Anytime we would see each other, we would always be fighting and arguing. We got to the point where we were almost talking about going to find a divorce attorney, separate, and possibly get a divorce. I remember I moved out of the house for about two months because things were just so chaotic.

When was that?

D: This was after we were married for about two years. It was right close to the beginning. Then something happened where we both decided that no matter what we do, if we just broke up this relationship and went into another relationship, we will still have the same issues because we’re taking ourselves to the other relationship.

Instead of trying to fix the other person, why don’t we work on ourselves? That’s when we started to dive into personal development. I think that was the first step in us. It was actually growing together – going to seminars, listening to CDs and reading books. We started learning new things, sharing new ideas and distinctions, and I think that was one of the things that kept us together initially, instead of breaking up like we saw a lot of our friends are doing.

Excellent decision, if I might say so myself.

Y: We think so, too.

You went on this personal development journey. What did you learn? What changed?

D:  When I look back at it, I think personal development initially was super helpful but it was also super painful. Because it’s like when you turn the light on in your room and it’s a mess, you actually see the mess.

We realized all the things, how we were showing up for ourselves and for each other, but we were committed to it. We started learning a lot of the things on how to support each other and how to communicate with each other. We stopped fighting and arguing like we were and we started listening to each other.

From that point, we started going in search of a lot of the top teachers, if you will. Mostly, it started with success teachers. I think Yvette can share a little bit more, but then after a couple of years, we actually started a business together. We left our jobs and we started a business together. Things were really good, but then when we started working together as business partners, that created a whole new set of dynamics and issues that we were not prepared for.

When you’re with somebody for an extended period of time, you start to take them for granted, because they’re there.

Yeah, it’s almost like in every stage of the evolution, you think, “Okay, I have reached the summit” just to discover, “Oh, wait a minute, the journey didn’t end here and there are so many more summits that have to get stronger and climb together.”

Y: Absolutely, we were definitely not prepared to ride the business summit together. We had never received any training on how to work in a partnership. We love each other, but we were fighting and there was so much tension because when a woman is in work mode, it’s like, sometimes I call it ‘man mode.’ We are so focused, we’re almost like hunters or snipers and that is not necessarily good for a marriage. That can actually break down the couple. When two people are operating the same exact mode, they can virtually shoot each other from all the tension that’s rising.

There are ways to be able to release that tension in a partnership. Even in a partnership where you’re raising children together because you have this focus of how you want to raise your children and the differences coming between parents. That can cause so much tension and pain, and that’s where we found ourselves. We love each other, but why are we breaking down so much?

I can imagine that there is a lot of ego involved and that there’s a lot of things that you both think differently about the same goal. My husband and I are also entertaining the idea of creating a workshop together and I wonder what was it like for you? What were the lessons? What did you have to accomplish in order to work together?

D: What we realized was that one of our big issues was when you’re with somebody for an extended period of time, you almost start to take them for granted because they’re there. You get satiated, there’s so much certainty, and you lose the uncertainty and the variety like it was in the beginning, where you didn’t know what the other person was going to do and think. You wanted to surprise them. You wanted to make them feel special and important.

After so many years as human beings, because we get complacent and we get comfortable, we just started to take each other for granted and we didn’t have any adventure. Things just started to become routine, and we didn’t make each other feel important. We didn’t take time out to make each other feel important. What we realize is if we wanted things to change, then we needed to change something, and that’s when we created Adventure Date.

Y: And Adventure Date changed our life because oxytocin, which is the hormone that keeps people excited together and in love in this little high that you get, wears off after two years. That’s why a lot of couples go, “I don’t feel the same thing anymore.”

Well, we need to bottle oxytocin.

Y: That’s right and there are ways that you can build up oxytocin. Ladies, we get into work mode and we don’t do the activities that build up oxytocin- washing the dishes, doing hand-to-hand, doing laundry. All those manual things build up oxytocin for us but guess what? We’re out into work mode, we’re in sniper mode, we’re shooting goals, and guess what? When we get home, we are just another man and so there’s no polarity. The polarity would die in our relationship and we realize… We were at a personal growth seminar and there was a lady on stage that was getting this intervention. She was having an affair and she said that she loved her husband so much, yet, she was still choosing to have an affair.

The gentleman that was coaching her said this to her, “On a one to ten, how significant does your husband make you feel?” She said, “Probably at three or a four.” “What about the man you’re  having an affair with?” “Oh, 20. He brings me flowers. He treats me like a queen. My husband used to do that, but he doesn’t do that anymore.”

As a couple, it's your responsibility to figure out ways to bring adventure, uncertainty, and excitement. Click To Tweet

Then he goes, “Okay, how about adventure? On a one to ten, how much adventure and uncertainty does your husband bring to you?” “Everyday is a routine. We have date night, we stare at each other every Thursday night at the same restaurant, it sucks. Negative ten.” “What about the man that you having an affair with? How much uncertainty are you feeling?” “Level two and he surprises me, he leaves a note in my car,” “Well, my husband used to do those things at the beginning, but he doesn’t do them anymore.”

That is when it clicked. We read a book by Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity, which is that caged animals do not mate. Imagine, you’re almost caged in a house with your spouse and your kids. You’ve got to figure out ways to bring adventure, uncertainty, and excitement. That is why we created Adventure Date. As a matter of fact, a lot of people now teach it what we’ve shared it because it is life changing. Dave, would you like to share a little bit about Adventure Date?

D: Yeah. We get a lot of couples talk about date night. We used to do date night, but the problem with date night is it becomes a routine. Every Thursday, you are going to go at the same time, we’re going on a date, and it becomes a routine.

What we decided to do is we understand that significance and uncertainty is the main reason why somebody has an affair. If we need to fulfill that need for the other person, then one week it’ll be my week and I’ll tell you that let’s say a Sunday and I’ll say, “Babe, on Tuesday, don’t do anything from 8-12 clear the calendar, we’re going to do something just me and you.”

Throughout the week, I’ll send her little hints, maybe I’ll send her a text and I’ll say, “Do you have any roller skates for Tuesday?” Anything other than she knows I’m thinking of her. I’m injecting some uncertainty and some variety.

I love that, I love those mind games. We live for those mind games.

D: Exactly. In the morning I’ll have a map out of something and I’ll have like a marker drawing to a certain location. It’ll have nothing to do with anything but I’ll purposely leave it out so she could see it and she’ll look at it and initially think, “Where is he taking me? The mountain? What’s going on here? What are we doing?”

Finally that night, I’ll surprise her and I’ll drive her. I tell her, “Dress up in a nice dress,” and I’ll take her somewhere nice for dinner. I know she loves salsa dancing so I’ll do something that I know she loves doing. We’ll go salsa dancing all night and we’ll do some fun things like that. The following week, she’ll do it for me, but it will be a different day, it will be a different experience and it’s the other person’s responsibility to create an amazing magical moment.

I love it. Stephan and I were in Jaiya’s mastermind and she was talking a lot about date night and adventures and all that. That’s something that taught us a lot. Listeners, if you want to listen to her episodes where we talked about that too and also about sexual blueprints, which is another different way to connect to your partner, just go to episode three with Jaiya which was one of my first episodes ever.

Talking about animals and adventure, just last weekend I took my husband to what’s called Wildlife Waystation. It’s an animal rescue in Sylmar, California. They had tigers, lions, and bears. They had so many exotic animals and because of the way the sanctuary is, you can only visit once a week, and it’s only a small group of 12.

Canopy conversations create so much incredible love and unshakable trust in a relationship.

The animals are very interactive and very sweet. I was playing with three juvenile lions and it was really fun. I love the idea of taking it and not just because you’re right, people do talk about date night. Boring. It’s nice to create it as an adventure. I love that you guys take it to the next level with the little notes, little texts.

Y: Notes and surprises, and sometimes it would be like, “Dave, I hope you like fire.” You’re like, “What? What are we doing?” Just get really creative and have a lot of fun, create that uncertainty, and just making that person feel like they are the most important thing in the world.

Funny connection, Orion. As a matter of fact, our friends, Tina and Simon, that we love so much, got married and they asked us to share on stage what was the one thing that had changed our lives and had kept us happy. Jaiya was at the wedding. She came up to us and said, “Hi, are you guys okay if I use that? I’m going to start teaching adventure dating.” That’s how the whole connection of her sharing.

Wow, that is so cool.

Y: Yeah. I love our brotherhood and sisterhood. We’re always elevating ourselves in them. We love Jaiya’s work as well.

Okay. Give me some cool ideas for date nights or adventure nights.

Y: Well, you got to really focus on what it is that the other person loves.

What did you do?

Y: For Dave, he loves sporting events and for me, it’s hard sometimes. It’s not something I enjoy as much as he does. I will figure out to fill his need at a level 20. You got to be creative with what it is that the other person loves. Dave, sometimes he may not want to wish to go salsa dancing, but he knows it’s my idea of a passionate night. You got to figure out what brings passion to the other person and fill it at a level 20.

D: One time Yvette surprised me. She did all these different things and throwing me off track. Then on a Thursday night, we get ready and she’s driving so I don’t even know where the heck we’re going. As we’re driving, I started to kind of piece things together and we ended up going to a UCLA basketball game which is my favorite sport and my favorite college. It was just so magical and impactful because of how thoughtful. She decided to take me to do something that I love to do even though she may not love it as much. We were there and we had a blast. It made me feel so significant in her life.

That’s so cute. I love that idea of date nights. What happens when you argue? Did you have to go through a learning curve with your communication skills?

Y: Oh yeah. We were definitely in a dysfunctional place. Dave used to be a police officer, I used to work for the government before we started our travel business. Dave and I were so functional when we fought. Sometimes we turn into the escape artist. The other person escaped and ran away, and that was our way of dealing with it, not dealing with it basically. For me, I was raised in a Latina family, very loud, very obnoxious, very fiery.

Which goes both ways. The fire can burn or she can make you warm and safe.

Y: Exactly. I didn’t know how to channel that fire positively. Dave is a fiery Latino, too. He’s a scorpion and he bites. You picture that, us not knowing and my rage monster would come out. I would just put that flame anywhere near me, emasculate Dave, and reduce any ability to have a good and kind relationship. That’s how resentment starts to build, when you start diminishing the other person. We both did that to each other.

D: Yeah. Especially if there are guys listening, there’s something that’s called the petty offense file which means throughout the week, throughout the month, there are things that we each do to each other that sometimes may bug the other person, or may hurt the other person, or just flat out anger the other person. A lot of times, women won’t disclose their feelings. It is just human nature. A lot of times, things would build up and then we would explode. Then the petty offense file comes out where, “You did this, you said this.” All these things that happened over, let’s say, a month, because of one little thing, all of those things she starts pulling it out.

It’s like opening a Pandora box.

D: Yeah, that’s right. Another thing that has completely changed the game for us is something we call canopy conversations. Canopy conversations are so crucial because there are things that we want to share with each other, and sometimes timing is so important and being in the right space, being in the right mind frame, being in the right light if you will. At night, we start doing canopy conversations at least once a week.

What canopy is, it’s having a conversation under the canopy of love and light that we bring in the light. We sit down, there’s something that we want to share that maybe it’s something that happened to us, maybe it’s something that the other person did, maybe it’s an experience that happened to us, something that’s important that we want to share with the other person. The other person commits that no matter what it is that we talk about, that there’s going to be no judgment, there’s going to be no action taken as far as any retribution, or any anger, or any consequence, or anything. The other person is just going to be there to listen, be present, and love on the other person.

There’s a careful walk where you can empower a man to be a king, or you can turn a perfectly great guy into a frog by emasculating him. Click To Tweet

What started happening is we started to build so much depth. We started to share things with each other that we would have never shared before. With these canopy conversations, it’s created so much incredible love that we have for each other and trust that we’ve literally become unshakable in our relationship.

Did you create it once a week for like an hour? Do you put candles? Do you create a circle? What do you do exactly?

Y: We just sit on the sofa. What we mean by calling in more light is, basically we say a little prayer. We ask God to illuminate our conversation. Whatever higher power you believe in, the universe, just call that love into this conversation. We ask that the conversation will come out authentically, that it’ll be the truth, that there will be no judging, that it’ll be unconditional love.

Sometimes, the canopy conversation could be five minutes, other times it might be 30 minutes. It is a place for us women. We have something called diffuse awareness, where our brain can remember specific incidents at what time and we put them into a file, almost like a PowerPoint file, like, “On this day, he did this. On this day, I see this brand on his shoes, so now I’m going to remember for his birthday, this is exactly what he likes.”

Men, because of their single focus of how their brain is wired, they look at things completely different. They miss the socks that are yelling, saying, “Pick me up.” They miss the dishes because they’re on this hunting mode. Women, also going to the same hunting mode, but we have the ability to shift a lot more between hunting mode and what we called gathering mode, which is diffuse awareness. Being able to see the dirty dishes, the sock that’s yelling at us, the child that’s crying in the room. We hear and see it all.

The canopy conversation is a way for us to release that petty file, which may not seem like a lot, but let me tell you, if you release that in a place of love, and say, “Hey babe, you know what? The other day this happened, and it really bothered me that you forgot to take the trash out. It was your day to take it out. I have to go out in the middle of the night and I didn’t feel safe.”

It wasn’t so big at the time, but guess what? It starts building up and that’s what the explosion creates. That’s where the raging monster comes out. That’s why we destroy marriages, we destroy relationships. Women, we do this to other women in our life. Maybe we might explode with our mother or our sister because the petty offense file builds up. Canopy conversations are a way to just release those small things.

One time we had made a commitment that we weren’t going to drink coffee for a whole week. We were doing a little detox. We don’t really drink coffee anymore, but at a time that we were trying to release that, I was out with my girlfriends. I had coffee and I didn’t want to tell him. Judge me, but you know what? Us not releasing that from our hearts, they sense that from the other side. They sense that there’s a light, that there’s a cover-up, that there’s something, and that affects the relationship.

During the canopy conversation, I was like, “Baby, I know that we had committed. I just want to put things out into the open. I broke our commitment and I am so sorry. I’m even more sorry for not telling you, but I just wanted to release that so that we don’t keep that in the petty offense file,” and he was like, “Baby, I love you.”The other person must respond with unconditional love. That is the rule for the canopy, compassion and unconditional love.

At the end of the canopy conversation, we say a prayer. We ask God to illuminate our week, to help us walk a tender path of love, of compassion towards each other, and we are so much closer, after 19 years than we have ever been.

D: And Orion, I must give a warning on canopy conversations. The reason we bring in the light and it’s so crucial to have agreements prior to having canopy conversations because it could easily turn into a complaining session. It could easily turn into blaming session. It could easily turn into arguments and fights if you don’t set up the context of these types of conversations.

They don’t always have to be intense. They don’t always have to be a reveal of something you thought, did, or experienced. It doesn’t have to always be intense. It could be just something that you want to share, maybe a goal or a dream. If you want to be vulnerable to that, it could be that.

But a lot of times, if you are sharing something that maybe you feel guilty, maybe something that you did that you shouldn’t have, or maybe somebody did something, that person did something that really bugged you or hurt you, it could easily turn into more chaos than it could benefit.

Polarity is that excitement and magnetism that create that special sexual intimacy with each other. Click To Tweet

Bring in the light and have agreements if you do plan on doing this, which I recommend couples do because it brings so much depth, so much love, so much passion. The cool thing is, after canopy conversations, there’s this pretty passionate sex that could happen afterwards.

Canopy conversation, here’s the warning. Without bringing in agreements and boundaries to your canopy conversation, they can backfire, so use it with caution. They can also be very potent and leads to extraordinary sex life. That’s wonderful.

Let’s talk about the backfire. Let’s talk about the rage monster. I first heard about the rage monster from Alison Armstrong who was on the show. Listeners, I’m going to have you refer to episode 51, it was a wonderful episode with Alison Armstrong, who is one of the greatest mentors for relationships. Dave, Yvette and I, all had such incredible mentors, and I think that without growing, evolving, and learning from giants that came before you, it’s quite hard to navigate this world, in business, in life, and especially in love and relationships. Because in love and relationship, women who are usually very passionate, will have this entity called the rage monster. Actually, Dave, why don’t you tell me about the rage monster?

D: I’ve met the rage monster a few times. It usually starts with little things, and I can tell with one of two things on how it’s starting to show up. If Yvette is more in her feminine energy and I do something that hurts her, she won’t look at me. She’ll look away, she’ll be looking down, she’ll be silent and quiet, and I know that I must’ve done something to hurt her, especially when we’re driving, she’ll look out the window on the other side. I could just tell by her physiology that, “Uh-oh. What happened?”

But, if she’s in her masculine mode, more in the hunting mode, and the rage monster’s about to kick in, it’s a whole different energy. She’s looking at me in the face, I can see the nostrils start to flare up, she’s walking with purpose, and I am like, “Uh-oh.” Usually, that rage monster is different than the gathering rage monster, and when the face is red, the yelling is coming out, things she’s saying, or things that I didn’t even think about, or remember, or know was bugging her, it’s something that is so scary, it’s so hurtful, it’s so painful, that when I’ve experienced the rage monster, it literally takes me a couple of days to get over that.

What did you learn?

D: I learned that we can prevent the rage monster. There are signs that the rage monster is coming out, and we could head off the rage monster, by listening, asking questions, being present and available, not judging, not trying to diminish but being open. This is why canopy conversations are important but when the rage monster does hit and it’s in full force, then as a man what I know is I just be present…

Run for your life.

D: …and available. No, if I run for my life, that creates more problem because now she feels more unsafe which creates all kinds of other dynamics. I know you were joking but what I’ve learned to do is just to listen no matter what, because as guys, what happens a lot of times is we try to be the righteous person and things might be coming out, we try to make her wrong, or try to prove her wrong by saying, “I didn’t do that. That’s not true. You’re wrong,” and that just enrages us even more.

The key for guys is when the rage monster hits, whatever she is saying, be present and available. If she’s going off and angry, “And you hurt me when you said this and I can’t believe it…” whether it’s right or wrong, at that moment, just be present and available. Say, “Babe, you know what? I’m sorry those words that I said hurt you. Babe, I’m sorry that I did hurt you. I’m so sorry that what I said back then in front of our friends hurt you, I am so sorry.” Be genuine and honest in that moment because if you apologize, whether you’re right or wrong, that doesn’t matter because the rage monster does not understand morals, does not understand right or wrong. It’s just in this whole other world. So, helping to bring that rage monster and calm it down by apologizing, being present, listen, allowing that energy to flow through, and being the oak tree in the midst of the storm.

I love it. Be the oak tree in the midst of the storm. That sounds sexy to me as a woman. Yvette, what’s the men version of the rage monster?

Y: That’s a really great point, I think if a man feels dishonored, or emasculated, or disrespected. Emasculated is basically, sometimes as women we do or say things that emasculate the men in our life which means we diminish their ability to be men, to be warriors, to be protectors. There’s a very careful walk where you can empower a man to be a king, or you can turn a perfectly great guy into a frog by emasculating him.

Rolling your eyes, criticizing him, shutting him up, judging him in front of people. There are certain things that completely diminish men. Women do it to other women as well. Men do it to women. Actually, the form that men do it to women is they objectify women. A lot of times, men objectify women as a return for women emasculating them.

There are ways that you can honor each other and have a beautiful vision, but when there is a man version of something like the rage monster, it basically means because men operate mostly in hunting mode. There’s a hunting mode which is super focused and there’s a gathering mode which is open and communicative. You see everything around you, you get distracted, you don’t have a time zone. Both modes are great for different things in your life, but when a man gets angry, I believe it’s because he has felt dishonored, or emasculated, or their ability to produce their results has been diminished.

Also, being able to apologize but finding out with questions. The worst thing, ladies, that you can do is go, “What did I do now?” Saying things like that or getting defensive does nothing else but create more drama at that moment. Later on, you can talk and figure out a win-win situation for whatever happened. But at that moment, get the courage to say, “Is it something I did?” They might be upset at something else. Maybe their mission failed, maybe they had a big obstacle show up in their mission.

Asking questions, “Is there anything you need from me to support you right now?” “No, I just need silence.” “Alright, let me know if you would like to talk.” So, asking questions and if it’s something we did, just being able to apologize. You’re not apologizing that you did something wrong or right, you are apologizing for the negative impact that’s been created.

One thing that we have learned in the last five years is that, apologizing opens the doors of abundance. We apologize more, we take responsibility more, and from that, this path gets cleared, the energy opens up around us, and all these opportunities come to us.

D: Before, we all wanted to be right or wrong, we want to be right. “I’m right, you’re wrong.” and we realized Orion, and I’m sure you’ve heard of this, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”

Yeah, because when you’re right, who’s winning?

Y: Exactly, you’re still losing.

What did you do to not be right? How did you retrain yourself or reprogrammed your mind to be less reactive?

Y: We just learned to resist. That’s the number one thing we do. Whenever we want to lash out, or we’re angry, or something, we say, “You know what? This is not a good moment to talk,” I’m going to resist in my head to say the things that would hurt this person, and then we set up some time to talk, and we have a canopy conversation.

D: Here’s just a simple strategy that I think could help. We’ve learned from different teachers about how to interrupt somebody’s pattern, so when Yvette and I today, when we start to feel like one of us is getting out of control, we’re going to cross over to that other side. Whoever has the cooler head will do something to interrupt the other person’s pattern. We agree on what that’s going to be beforehand because we know we’re always going to have emotional things come up.

For me, if I’m the cooler head and Yvette’s getting into a certain rage monster energy, then what I’ll do is – I don’t know if you’ve ever seen The Three Stooges, she knows I’m going to do this if I don’t have a cool head. I’ll do my Curly impression where I’ll just rub my face and I’ll say something, we both look at each other and like, “What the heck did you just do?” but we know that that’s the time, “Okay. Let’s pause, let’s breathe, let’s go get some water, and we’ll revisit this after we have cooler heads.”

I love that. What’s the funniest thing Yvette did to break the pattern?

D: The funniest thing Yvette did, I think one time she flashed to me.

Y: I was trying to be creative. “What can I do?” I was like, “How about this?” Hey, it worked.

D: It sure did. But don’t do it in public, that’s a whole other scenario, you might end up in jail.

That’s funny. That is so Yvette, I love it.

Y: Figure out a way to make him smile.

Let’s talk about polarity in a relationship. Let’s go back to that. What’s your take on polarity? What is polarity?

Y: This is such a hot topic for us. We got certified from Alison Armstrong, our mentor, last year to be able to teach this stuff because it changed our lives so much. What happens is we have learned, people operate in two different modes, the hunting mode which we talked about which is laser-focused. Usually, when you’re working, you’re in hunting mode. Then the gathering mode where you relax at a coffee shop with your girlfriends, and you’re communicative, and you don’t have a timeline.

Well, guess what? A lot of women nowadays are mostly in hunting mode because we’re working, we’re raising kids. Initially, the women were the gatherers and the man were the hunters. Things started shifting in society because when the men went to war, the women started working.

There’s nothing wrong with hunting mode, but you’ve got to do certain things to keep the polarity in marriage because guess what? Two hunters don’t go to sleep together. What Dave and I were doing is – he was out hunting, our company grew, we were traveling all over the world, launching new countries, doing amazing things, and we were both in massive hunting mode.

When we met each other we were like, “How did you do?” I was just like another man in my marriage. We lost polarity. Polarity is that excitement, that magnetism that creates that special sexual intimacy with each other and we had lost that. What I have to learn is do certain things to transition back to my core. Personally, my core is gathering mode. When a gatherer and a hunter gets together, there’s polarity. In other relationships, that might be different, but usually, there has to be a shift, and that shift has been called transition time. I remember, Dave, if you want to talk a little bit about that transition time has changed our lives.

D: Absolutely, and polarity, it’s an energetic thing. It’s a universal law. You got the plus and the minus. You got the Yin and the Yang. You got the masculine and you got the feminine. The polarity is what creates the passion, and when you lose that polarity, that’s why a lot of people get a divorce. It’s not because of a lack of love. It’s lack of passion, and passion comes from polar opposites, from that energy that balances each other out.

It’s beautiful to watch a woman when she’s open and vulnerable in her emotions and allows herself to connect to her sexuality, sensuality, and self-expression.

We didn’t understand the transition time. When somebody’s in hunting mode, they can only entertain one thing and focus on one thing. They’re laser-focused, “Hunt the deer. I’m at work. I’m focused on work.” And then when we get home, in order for us to get into father mode or husband mode, we need to have a moment of transition.

It’s kind of like the old days where a hunter would come home, they got blood, sweat, and all these, and they need to go and change their clothes, they need to go and take a shower so that they can be present. It’s a mental thing. Women, when they’re in hunting mode, they need transition time as well.

I’ll give you an example. When I come home from work, Yvette knows this, in the past, she’d come immediately, she wants to talk, and I would kind of be distant. In a way, she felt like, “Oh my God, why do you just disrespect me? You can’t talk to me? You just came home, and now we can’t just hang out?” because we didn’t understand transition time.

Once we learned it, for me, I like to go and take a shower. I like to take the work mode off and I’ll read a book, or listen to a CD, or do something that’s completely not mental. As soon as, maybe 20 or 30 minutes, now I can transition into being a husband, being her lover, being her partner. Now, we can have a great connection, because now I transition from work, and I’m in that mode.

A lot of people don’t understand transition mode and don’t respect that important part, because as a man if we don’t have the transition mode, we get stressed out. We get overwhelmed. We get confused, but when we have that transition time, we can totally be present and available, because we’ve moved from one thing to the next.

Beautiful. On the female side, in order to connect to her side, her feminine, and expressing her emotions and sensations, Yvette and I went to retreats with Sheila Kelley. We did some pole dancing. Sister, I remember one of your dances, I’ll never forget it, you were so beautiful in your authentic expression of all your emotions.

It’s so beautiful to watch a woman when she’s so open and vulnerable in her emotions, and allowing herself to connect to her sexuality, sensuality, and self-expression. It’s just such a blessing for herself, and for her partner, and especially for women. We have so many issues in our tissues, and we need to release them. We need to clean ourselves, to clean our emotions, so we can be ready for our partners and we can elevate our relationships together.

Listeners, if you want to listen, I always keep referring to other episodes, so people will get more of this beautiful knowledge. I interviewed Sheila Kelley, it’s on episode 73, if you want to go and listen to that. That’s for women who want to learn how to connect to their sensuality and their central movement. What was this journey like for you, Yvette?

Y: It was so beautiful, Orion, and thank you for reminding me. I had some of the most beautiful experiences there, and us together, you and I. We shared so many beautiful conversations.

So many laughs.

Y: So many laughs, yes. One of the craziest things is that, as women, we developed this hunting muscles so much, and then we experience breakdown because we don’t balance it out with the gathering muscle. Well, guess what? Our brains are made for diffused awareness, and so that relaxation, that openness, that communication, sometimes we deny that muscle.

We have all developed very strong masculine muscles to succeed in the society which is wonderful, but women are getting sick. They’re getting heart attacks, they’re getting stroke because we’re trying to run at the same speed as men. But men have 10–30 more times testosterone than we do. We don’t have the same level of testosterone, so women are getting sick all over the place and that actually happened to me. I ended up with what they were calling an incurable illness that just shocked the heck out of me. I was young, healthy, I worked out, I ran marathons, and yet I got this shock of my life because I had developed this hunting muscle.

I had to learn to be a girl again. My marriage was on the rocks because it was two men. Basically, I would come home and compete with Dave about how many sales each one of us made in our membership club. I mean, there was no more of that love, that passion, and that vulnerability. I have to learn to develop that other muscle, my feminine. If you mix both women, you can have that masculine and feminine. That’s when creativity happens. That’s when you can connect to so much more. That is where you can thrive your imagination. You can add so much more to your hunting muscle if you develop your gathering muscle, or what we call the feminine.

I went to Sheila because my body was hard as a rock. I had been wearing men’s suits. I had been negotiating with the developers, multi-million dollar deals for the city of Burbank. I was making sales, multi-million dollars for this amazing travel company, representing them all over the world, and yet I was miserable because there was a part of me that was dying. Dave missed his queen. He didn’t want another king at the house. Hunters don’t want to sleep together.

When you’re a king.

Y: Right.

Like, “Who are you?”

Y: Going to Sheila Kelley helped me learn to have my body express herself. There are different expressions that the feminine thrives in. It could be a dark sensual side, it could be a light, exciting, nurturing side. There’s so much to us women. So many times, culture makes it wrong to be central, to be sexy, but if that’s been done in a beautiful relationship, why not?

Doing the Sheila Kelley work, she changed my life because it brought the girl back to my body. I already spoke the right languaging. We call it hero’s language, learning to speak the language that will honor each other, honor men and have them honor us like queens, but then my body needed to learn the language because I was hard as a rock.

I learned to open up and be vulnerable. I have to tell you, not only am I healing from what was supposed to be this incurable illness, but now my life is just so enjoyable because I own all aspects of me, my hunting aspect, my gathering aspect, and I know how to switch back and forth  as many times as I need to through my day, to be either a queen to Dave, or to be a master speaker when I do my work out there, or master salesperson. What areas I need, I can shift into that and then transition time into the other persona. You don’t have to give up who you are. There’s more to you that you can cultivate and find.

Right. Dave, what was it like for you to discover this part of her?

D: There was a period in time where we were great friends, but there was a lack of passion. We didn’t know any of this stuff was going on behind the scenes. When Yvette started tapping into her feminine energy and started bringing that radiance out, she started dressing differently, she started walking differently, she started talking differently.

Personally, I didn’t know what it was that she was doing, but I could tell because I felt more attracted to her. I felt like I wanted to, at some point, lay down on a puddle for her to walk over, where before, it was just like, “Okay, she’s my buddy.” I think this is one thing that some women don’t realize is, one of the things for us, men, is we live to provide for our women. We live to be our hero, especially to our girl. But in today’s society, because women are so strong and self-sufficient, they can do everything a man can do, and even more. The problem with that is because they don’t allow us sometimes to provide for them, then we don’t feel like we are providing. As a man, that’s what we live for.

I’ll give you an example. A simple thing could be if something breaks down at the house. Let’s say the door to the bathroom handle is broken. Women today, they can easily call a handyman or fix it themselves, but how cool would it be if you understand the dynamics and Yvette will come and says, “Babe, the handle to the bathroom upstairs is broken. Is there any way you can fix it?” Oh my God, my eyes light up. I get to fix something for you. I get to provide. I’ll run to the garage and get the tools, I’ll be fixing it, and I’ll feel like I’ve done something to provide for my girl. That literally has changed the game for us in a big way.

Beautiful. What are your three top tips to living a stellar life?

Y: Great question. Be authentic, don’t be afraid to share your truth. Number two, learn to cultivate your hunting and your gathering mode if you’re a lady. If you’re a gentleman after 50, as testosterone wears off more naturally, you start embracing the gathering, the conversations, the storytelling a little more, embrace where you’re at. Dig into this work a little bit more, do some research because there’s magic in embracing the hunting and the gathering mode.

My final tip would be to keep a goal of continuing your growth by learning from podcasts like this, from mentors that are willing to give you information for free, because that’s what changed our life. Had we not had this information, we might just be another statistic. But we have this commitment to keeping on growing as a couple. Get your partner on this podcast, listen to the other podcasts that Orion has done because they will change your life. Information is out there for you to have it.

D: If I could add to that, Orion, three things are number one is growing together. I’m so impressed with you first of all. Great questions, great interaction, and all the people you’ve interviewed, and all the beautiful stuff you’re putting out to the world, it’s helping people to grow. They just want to listen to it. They got to go to your podcast and listen to it and make that commitment of not just growing individually but growing together as a couple. I mean how cool would it be if a couple would listen to your podcast together on a weekly basis, that’s a way of growing together.

The other two things we’ve already said is doing adventure dates together, creating uncertainty and variety, bringing that energy back. The final thing is, embracing and having canopy conversations together, build some depth so that you can learn more about the other person that maybe you would have never learned before or share something about yourself that you would have never shared before. Canopy conversations are super important to us. Those are the three things I would suggest.

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Wow. Beautiful. Where can people find you and I also know that you are having something really special coming up.

Y: Yes. We have an amazing marriage or relationship retreat that we’re planning for the last quarter of the year. It’s going to be adventure contribution, we’re going to teach you the languaging to create more passion in your relationships. We’re going to teach you all about how to quiet down the rage monster and how to improve your canopy conversation. All these things that are going to help you have a stellar relationship.

We have a gift for you guys it’s called, three mistakes that will end your relationships and three gifts that will save it. We want you to learn from all the mistakes we’ve made. If you learn from other people’s mistakes, you’re a lot smarter because you’re cutting the huge bridge to the next level in your relationship. The link to get that free gift is  www.extraordinaryrelationships.love.

When you opt-in and also give us your email, we promise to add a ton of value to your life once a month, twice a month. We write amazing blogs on relationships and videos and then you will also be the first to find out about our retreat.

Wonderful. Dave and Yvette Ulloa, I love you guys. Thank you so much for being here.

D: We love you too, Orion.

I’m so blessed to have you in my life. I’m so blessed that you shared this incredible knowledge with everybody who’s listening. I really appreciate you.

D: Thank you so much for having us, Orion.

Y: We love you and we are so proud of you. Incredible job with your podcast.

D: Yes, thank you so much.

And thank you, listeners. Remember to be authentic, embrace yourself, continue your growth, grow together with your partner, and have a stellar life. This is Orion. Until next time.

Your Checklist of Actions to Take

Commit to being your best selves in the relationship. Focus on growth both as individuals and as a couple by educating yourself via books, courses, and other teachings.
✓ Appreciate that your significant other is different from you. Take time to learn about the things they value and the principles they believe in, and respect their personal space.
Never make your partner feel as if they are taken for granted. Make an effort to remind them how much they mean to you every day. Even the smallest compliment will show them how much you value your relationship.
Figure out ways to create adventure, intensity, and excitement in your relationship. Spice up date nights by ditching the normal dinner date and try something wild or unexpected once in a while.
✓ Don’t diminish your partner’s feelings, especially when they show vulnerability. Resentments start to build up when someone feels their emotions aren’t valid.
Try the Canopy Conversations Technique for couples. According to Dave and Yvette, this communication strategy can be done at least once a week. Create an environment where you are comfortable sharing whatever is on your mind. Your partner’s role is to be entirely present and listen, and vice versa.
Avoid doing things that emasculate your partner. In nature, men are protectors, so instead of saying things that diminish their masculine ego, find ways to empower and inspire them to be the best version of themselves.
A couple operates best when each partner embraces their role. Understand that one person needs to be the “hunter” while the other person needs to be the “gatherer”. These roles may overlap, but if both partners occupy the same role, it will lead to difficulties.
Master your feminine energy and use your nurturing, sensual, and “soft” qualities as your strength in the relationship.
Get Dave and Yvette’s gift and find out the three mistakes you need to avoid to maintain a long and happy relationship.

Links and Resources

About Dave & Yvette Ulloa

Dave and Yvette have been married for 19 years and are absolutely passionate about life, their relationship, and empowering others to truly have soulful, happy, joyful, passionate relationships. Both graduated Tony Robbins Senior Leadership, Mastery and are are certified NLP Practitioners. Both have been traveling the world full time for the past 13 years, speaking on stages as large as 25,000 and as far as Africa and Australia. Dave leads Warriors Code, a mens retreat and both lead Extraordinary Relationships, a retreat for couples to take their love, adventure and passion to a new level.


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