Create a Life of Abundance, Inner Peace, and Growth with Burge Smith-Lyons

A Personal Note From Orion

“I am not good enough.” Or “I can’t do it.” These statements are examples of limiting beliefs that a lot of people have in their lives. These beliefs become a part of their lives and become a blockage that hinders them in moving forward and achieving the life they want.

Burge Smith-Lyons is president and CEO of Essence of Being®, Inc. For more than 40 years, she has helped thousands of men, women, children and companies globally with emotional and spiritual healing, self-development, communication techniques, team building, and leadership development. She specializes in helping people identify their “Bubble Talk” — subconscious negative self-talk that blocks them from achieving what they want in life.

In this episode, Burge shares her true-to-life rags-to-riches story that equipped her to be a trusted mentor to thousands of people around the world seeking to transform their own lives for the better. She also talks about how to create reality through your thoughts and core belief system with the principle of the Law of Attraction. Listen and get ready for a life of abundance, inner peace, happiness and growth!

In this Episode

[01:00] – Orion introduces her next guest Burge Smith-Lyons, president and CEO of Essence of Being®, Inc. She has helped thousands of men, women, children and companies globally with emotional and spiritual healing, self-development, communication techniques, relationships, abundance, team building, and leadership development.
[2:38] – Orion asks Burge about the beginnings of discovering her passion that led to doing incredible work today.
[05:17] – Burge shares the importance of having a supportive community to create a healing forest around you.
[07:11] – Orion asks about how the people lift and build up Burge and process on changing the mindset and attracting a healing community.
[9:05] – A discussion about the different modalities in looking into the subconscious.
[12:58] – Burge and Orion, through paper and pen, dig around and look at what some subconscious beliefs might be blocking from an authentic relationship.
[18:21] – Orion shares about her belief system and how she discovered it.
[21:49] – The discussion about the fear of exposure.
[24:21] – Burge expounds a pension shift technique where you pinch yourself whenever you find yourself saying something that may not deserve you.
[29:07] – Burge shares the concept of love and the law of attraction and appreciation.
[40:47] – Orion asks Burge the three tips in living a stellar life.
[42:07] – Check out Burge Smith-Lyons’ website and the Essence of Being website to work with her. Also, go to essenceofbeing.com/rel to download Authentic Relationships + Orbiting in Love free podcast recordings.

Jump to Links and Resources

About Today’s Show

Hey, Burge. Welcome to Stellar Life podcast. It’s a pleasure having you here. Thank you for being here.

Thank you so much for having me, Orion. I’m excited to play with you today.

Thank you. I love that. I love to play. I’m an Aries. Before we begin, how did you discover your passion? Can you give me a little bit of background of how you get to do this incredible work that you’re doing today?

I kept asking God, “Why is this happening to me? I’m a good person.”

My story is probably like a lot of others. I was divorced. I was a single mom. I had a two-and-a-half-year-old son. I’d lost everything and went bankrupt. I was having a really bad time in my life. I kept asking God, why is this happening to me? I’m a good person, why is this happening? All I had left to me was a car with one headlight and one door that didn’t open. I had to crawl inside the window to get to my child.

Wow.

That kind of a story, where I just didn’t know where to turn. I was living in a van down by the river kind of situation. I kept thinking, why is this happening to me because I’m a good person. I was teaching workshops at that time. I felt like a total fake. I was like, why? I’m teaching everybody about abundance, relationships, communication, loving yourself, and all your subconscious beliefs because that’s what I was teaching children, adults, and companies. Yet, at the same time, all of this turmoil was going on in my life, where I felt like I’d lost everything.

I realized that the reason why that happened to me or why I attracted all of that was so I could share my story and tell you that everything that I’m sharing with you now and all the things I’ve done in the last 40 years really works. Because I’m a walking testimony that basically I have millions in assets now. I’ve taught on six continents, live workshops all around the world. I’ve taught thousands of adults and kids. I’ve built schools around the world.

My son graduated from NYU and he has traveled around the world singing, dancing, and acting doing what he loves. I have this wonderful relationship with my husband now for 25 years that is conscious. We’ve built a conscious community, a global community of conscious leaders, empowering others to create a win-win world. That’s what I’m all about.

I have a nonprofit and I have all of these things I’ve been doing all these years. But the reason why all of that started was because of what happened to me. Then I said, okay, I’m going to tell everybody how I did it, basically, where I went from where I was to where I am now. That’s what I share with people.

All of these hardships happened to me so that I could share my story and be a walking testimony. Click To Tweet

That is incredible. I have a two-year-old. He just turned two less than a month ago. We live on the lake, in a house though. I can’t even imagine how you got yourself from that place to where you are today. This is incredible being a single mom to a toddler. In doing that, how the freak did you do that?

I didn’t give up on myself. I surrounded myself with people of like-mind who reminded me of how important, how powerful, and that I make a difference in the world. It’s really important to have a community or have people around you that support you and not just buying all of your crap. You go into this negative spiral, perhaps, some people do.

It’s really good to have positive people around you to remind you the real truth about you, which is that you are important, that you do matter, and that you are making a difference in the world. I had a huge network of support. I attracted more and more of it as I went on. It’s really good. You can’t do it by yourself. That’s what I call our Healing Forest Community, I guess. It comes from a Native American term.

Healing Forest is where you take a sick tree out of a sick forest, you nurture it back to health, and you put it back into a sick forest, it could get sick again. The idea is to create a healing forest around you. Not that I feel like any of us need to be fixed, not that I feel like any of us really need to be healed because we truly just forget who we are. There’s nothing wrong with us, but the concept is to create a healing forest around you.

I didn’t give up on myself. I surrounded myself with like-minded people who reminded me of how important and powerful I am and make a difference in the world.

It is so important to be away, to run away from toxic people. Even if they’re your own family, limit interactions and be around those people that strengthen you. Tony Robbins, I heard him say that you’re the average of the five people you hang out with the most. Who do you hang out with and how do they lift you up? How do they build you up? Because when you are in a place like that where you hit a type of rock bottom, you need somebody to help you. I guess you can do it on your own. You did it on your own by changing your mindset and attracting the healing community.

Right. I realized, again, it’s all about your subconscious beliefs about who you are because that’s what I was teaching. So I had to dive deep into, okay, what is it that I’m here to learn now? This is happening for a reason. But it’s also connecting on a spiritual level too because to me, you have to have your emotional, your physical, your mental, your spiritual selves connected so that you can better understand why you’re doing the things you do so you can shift it.

That’s why I bring all this subconscious stuff up for people because a lot of times, we’re not even conscious of what our blocks are. We don’t know why all this is happening, why we’ve created what we have, or how to shift out of it. That’s why I really love working with people because that’s what’s running the bus, the subconscious belief.

You can do affirmations all day long. I choose to be happy, I choose to be healthy, wealthy, and wise. I choose to have a great relationship. At the same time, your reality might be showing you something different. How do you shift out of that? What we do is we look at those subconscious beliefs.

How do you do that? How do you look at the subconscious?

There’s a lot of different modalities on how to do it. One of the things that I always say is, what’s a clue is just to look at your results. Look at the results you’re having in your life, in relationships, in communication, in money, in your purpose, in your health, all of that, because it’ll give you a clue as to what your subconscious beliefs are around that. We could do a little exercise and play around to see what is in there to find out maybe what’s inside your subconscious around relationships.

It’s okay. My listeners, they know so much about me. You could gather all the episodes. You can really take my profile, analyze it, and they’re like, okay, I know who Orion is.

A lot of people try to let go of their desires because they feel like they’re stuck.

Exactly.

Okay, let’s do it. Yes. What do I have to do?

Okay. First of all, let me just give you a little preface here that intimacy means into me see.

I like that.

Being vulnerable is the key in order to having more authentic relationships and being able to communicate. Being able to understand what your subconscious beliefs are because you know how relationships go. You may have a different relationship, but it’s very similar, the same kind of pattern show up, same behaviors. It’s like a different person. Same person but a different face.

You’re the common denominator in all of it because people have different types of relationships and then you can start seeing a pattern of, okay, I’ve attracted exactly the same kind of person to me to learn something, so I better learn it quick.

What a lot of people try to do is they let go of their desires because they feel like they’re stuck. It’s like driving a car. If you’re driving a car and you put your gas on, that’s your desire. That’s the kind of relationship you want to have in your life or what you want to do with your life. That’s your desire. A lot of people are driving around with their brakes on at the same time. Their brake is their resistance or their belief, but you can’t have it. What ends up happening is people settle.

They say, well, it just isn’t meant to be this time. This is the way it is. People drive around with their brakes and their gas on at the same time and they spin their wheels, and people are just stuck. Have you ever felt stuck?

Being vulnerable is the key to having more authentic relationships and being able to communicate.

Never.

What I want us to do is play with this a little bit and say, okay, instead of letting go of the gas, which is what people do, they let go of their desire and they settle, let’s let go of the break and let go of the resistance of the belief that you can’t have whatever it is that you want. That will support you in achieving and creating whatever you want. One of the ways of doing that is a great mantra that I want to share for everybody is trust and allow and don’t ask how.

I like that.

If we can trust and allow and don’t ask how, and really understand that, if we let go of the control of thinking that if we try to change things without shifting our own beliefs, then sometimes it’s just not going to work out as well. For things to change, first I must change. Let’s play for a minute. I just want you to do a stream of consciousness writing.

What that means is that basically, I’m going to say a statement and I just want you to jot it down or think of the first things that come up. Don’t edit it, don’t think about it, don’t try to figure it out. Just whatever the first thoughts are that you have, okay?

Okay. I need a paper.

Trust is a big deal for people.

All of you out there, just go ahead and get your paper and pen, and you can play along and see what comes up. We’re going to dig around, poke around, and see what’s in there to find out, perhaps, what some of the subconscious beliefs that might be blocking you from really having authentic relationships or feeling more intimate and being able to be more vulnerable with yourself and others. I know that trust is a big deal for people.

Okay, I got it.

All right. Then I’m going to give you this really cool thing we can do with this on how to orbit in love instead of falling in and out of love. We’re going to orbit. The first thing I want you to think of, you just write down the first things that come up, in a relationship, women are supposed to be what? Just jot down the first things that come up. You can write more than one thing if you want. I’ll do it really quickly and you can take more time to do this on your own when you have a moment.

Here’s another one. In a relationship, men are supposed to be what? Just fill in the blank. Then again, you could go back to this and add to it to dig around a little more. I’ve got two more for you. When I feel not heard, I, what do you do? How do you respond? Then the last one is, when I feel not seen, I what? There are so many others we can do, but in lieu of time, we can do other exercises like this and experiences in another session. I just wanted to give you a taste of what. So if you don’t mind sharing, what did you write down?

The first question was, in a relationship women should be themselves, strong, vulnerable, allowing, goddesses, kind, playful.

Perfect. What about men?

Strong, they’re present, kind, loving, sweet.

Have you, in your past, attracted those types of men, or have you attracted those types of women? Are you one of those women? Is that who you are?

This is who I am today and this is who my husband is today, but I had to do a lot of work to get to this place.

Got it. Perfect.

When they don’t feel heard, a lot of people either become quiet and run away, or they get louder.

I experienced an abusive relationship. That was the catalyst to a major change in my life and me actually becoming a coach and becoming uber empathic. Becoming the person that I am today, attracting the relationship that I am today, but it was a journey. It didn’t happen overnight. It was a lot of looking inside, peeling the layers, working with the subconscious mind, working with God, creator, the universe, studying from actually the best of the best in the world, traveling the world. It took a while for me to get that.

It sounds very familiar. That’s awesome. Definitely, for those of you who may have some things in there that you say, these are the things that I want to have. I want to be that woman or I want to attract that man or depending on what your sexual preferences are. However, oftentimes there are blocks to getting there. What did you say for when I feel not heard?

That is something I’m still working on.

Okay.

Because when I feel like I’m not heard, I’m getting louder or I run away. I don’t like it. There is also a part of me that is taking herself out of the situation and looking at the situation from a bird’s eye view so she will be able to be proactive instead of reactive.

I see. That’s typical I will say for a lot of people when they don’t feel heard. You have two options. You either go within, and you become quiet and run away, or you get louder. I’m going to speak to this. It’s called an egocentric relationship cycle that you can get into that I’ll speak about in a minute.

Have positive people around to remind you of the real truth about you. You are important, you matter, and you are making a difference in the world. Click To Tweet

That is something that is a defense mechanism for people. It’s either I want to be heard or if you’re not going to listen to me, then how it lands on you as you’re not important. That could be coming from this subconscious belief, that feeling that I’m just not important enough for people to hear me.

For me, I’ll tell you exactly. I know exactly where it’s coming from. I actually discovered it last week. Last week, I took training from Marisa Peer. I think she’s the best therapist in the world. She does something that’s called RTT, Rapid Transformation Therapy.

I know that.

Actually, I’m becoming a licensed therapist. I just have to finish a few more sessions. I basically got my diploma. It’s hypnotherapy and through hypnotherapy, you do some cognitive behavior therapy, neuro-linguistic programming, and psychotherapy. You get to the core of what is.

For me, I touched super deep horrible childhood traumas where I was not able to scream, I wasn’t able to let my voice be heard. The belief that was formed was that if I am not loud enough nobody’s going to hear me, or I need to be loud to somebody. Because I was a very young child and I was not able to voice. Nobody was there to hear me. Even when I was screaming, nobody came to help. That was the belief of, I needed to get louder so I can be heard.

Whatever you focus on expands.

Right. Feeling not safe is the bottom line there. It’s like it’s not safe for me to have a voice.

Right.

If I have a voice, then I’m going to get hurt. Either I’m going to get hurt if I have a voice and get louder, therefore I’ll just shut up and not say anything. That’s another option and so we become mute.

Yeah, either mute or louder, either or.

Exactly. That’s perfect. That’s exactly true that the belief system behind that is it’s not safe to have a voice. Feeling not safe can be a total subconscious belief that you don’t even know you have until you do. Then you can shift it to shifting to it is safe, it’s safe to have a voice. I’m safe speaking and I have the right to speak.

Beliefs are handed down just like our genes. And it can stop with you.

Because when you create those affirmations without the base of knowing where they’re coming from and not understanding, they don’t have the same weight. Like me saying I have a voice now compared to me saying that, let’s say, a month ago, not knowing where what was the core issue. It’s different. It’s not the same way. It doesn’t have the same effect.

I understand that. That’s why I’m saying that it’s so important for people to understand what their subconscious beliefs are and where they come from so when you do shift them, it shifts it in a whole energetic, experiential, cellular way. It’s not just in your head.

Powerful.

What did you write down for when I feel not seen? Is there anything?

When I feel not seen, I am making myself be seen. I’m actually talking about physical. I bought red lipstick and bold colors or dressing sexier. I want to be seen. I know it’s superficial, but it helps me. Then I see myself. I love myself more. I look in the mirror, and I acknowledge not being seen. I see myself.

That’s awesome. A lot of people are afraid to be seen because of exposure. It means that perhaps if I’m seeing again, I might get hurt because what you may have learned and you may have had in your life, evidence that the more I’m seen, the more I can either get hurt or I’m exposing myself. A lot of people, that’s why public speaking and all of those types of things that people are afraid of, it’s fear of exposure.

Instead of letting go of your desires, let go of your beliefs that you can’t have whatever you want.

I think I’m preventing myself from getting the success that I should get because I have that fear of exposure. It’s based on reality. Just look at all the trolls online out there and how people are mean just on the social media platforms. The bigger you are, you’re going to get more hate, you’re going to get more love.

You see, that can be a total block about you playing big because it’s a subconscious belief. I don’t want to be that big or be that seen because I’ll be judged, I won’t be safe, or what are they going to think of me, and certainly because of all the social media right now and all of those types of things. People will just play under the radar just enough so that they don’t get hurt.

You’re right, that can absolutely be a perfect subconscious belief that now you are aware of, and that you can raise that to the conscious level and say it’s safe to be seen because we all have evidence. We can look at the evidence and say, hey, that’s just the way it is and that’s the way it’s been.

You can find evidence for whatever you want. You just ask your mind a question. It depends on the quality of your questions. You can ask, how can I not get hurt? Or you can ask, how can I feel safe? Two very, very different questions because your mind will answer whatever you’re going to ask it.

One plus one equals three. There’s you, and there’s me, and then together, it makes us.

How can I not get hurt? Oh, just hide, don’t be big. Don’t be successful. Don’t do anything. How can I trust more? How can I feel more safe? How can I use my God-given gifts to help humanity? You’ll get a completely different answer.

I call that, what you focus on expands. Whatever you focus on, it gets bigger. It’s called a reticular activator in your brain actually. It’s a real thing, it’s not just a woo-woo concept.

When you look for red, you will find red, you won’t find the blue.

That’s right. Whatever you’re focusing on, that’s what’s going to expand. Of course, that’s the whole point. If you understand or you know now what the conscious level of your thoughts are, now you can, I call it pension shift. It’s a technique where you just pinch yourself. Have you ever found yourself saying something that may not serve you?

No, never.

Let’s say that you just said, “Hey, I don’t want to get hurt.” Okay. You know that what you can do is pinch yourself. It’s called a pattern interrupt. You pinch yourself on your thumb, your hand, or your arms so quickly because it makes your awareness come to the pain. It stops your thought process. You just pinch yourself, and then you shift it.

People often get into a relationship so that they can’t feel alone and feel they are loved.

Let’s say that you say something out loud or you hear yourself saying, I should have done this differently, or let’s say you say something like, there’s something wrong with me. You know that that’s not serving you when you say something like that. You pinch yourself and you shift it to, I choose to know the best thing for me. Anytime you hear yourself saying I should, I would, I could, or I have to, you can change it to I choose.

I use a pattern interrupt with my toddler all the time. When he cries, I’ll start singing, making a funny face, or doing something completely unexpected. He’ll look at me like, oh, you’re doing that thing again. Never mind.

Exactly. It works the same way when you do a thought process. You can stop your thoughts and your beliefs right in its tracks. They’ve proven this basically within two-year-olds. They did a study on two-year-olds at the University of Minnesota.

They took a bunch of two-year-olds and they wrote down how many positive statements and how many negative statements were said to these two-year-olds within a 24-hour period. On average, they would come back. In 24 hours, these two-year-olds had 32 positive statements said to them. Not bad, right? Guess how many negatives?

Two hundred?

Four hundred and thirty-two.

Oh my goodness. Wow.

When you and your partner are whole and complete, you create something bigger than yourself. Meaning one plus one equals three. So when you come together, it's a whole separate entity called “us.” Click To Tweet

Because that’s what’s happening when you’re two. It’s what we used to call the terrible twos. Now we call them the terrific twos. But what’s happening is you’re becoming interdependent, and you’re saying, no, I’m not doing that, and you’re not dependent anymore. What ends up happening is the parents or whoever’s around those two-year-olds, they’re basically trying to, of course, keep people saying, no, don’t do that, don’t do that, no, stop, stop, stop, you’re going to get hurt, you’re going to get hurt. You hear all of these things because all your beliefs are formed by the age of seven.

You know what it’s like being a mom and knowing what I know, I just feel like I screw up all the time. I should just say 420 positive things today. Last night, he ran into the wall instead of into a pillow and I freaked out.

Let me just say, mom, that you have not ruined your child. Those of you out there, please forgive yourself for whatever you feel like you have or have not done because guess what, we are all sentient beings and we all have our own paths.

What happens is, we do the best we can as parents and our parents did the best they can and our teachers, our religion, our TV, and our culture, all of these beliefs come from all of those places. Beliefs are handed down just like our genes are. Beliefs are handed down as well and it stops with you.

Take responsibility for your thoughts, beliefs, and actions.

What is it called, epigenetics? When it’s generational, the same belief is there through seven generations or something like that.

Until it’s not. Until you decide I’m going to shift it.

That’s why for somebody who does not understand what epigenetics is, for example, if one was a Holocaust survivor, their grand grandchild can still have a fear of not having enough food in their subconscious mind, which is not even their beliefs.

Correct. It’s true for everyone that everyone gets handed down your beliefs. It can be in that energy and your space, but you don’t even know it because it’s subconscious. You don’t even know it’s there. That’s why it’s so important to bring it up to a conscious level so that you can shift it, and it does. You focus on exactly what it is that you choose to create.

This whole concept, there are so many other ways we could do this. But one of the concepts that I just want to share with you around, of course, love. Everybody now knows about the law of attraction and about what we think we create, but it’s also about the law of appreciation. There are a lot of different types of universal laws that we can talk about when we think of relationships and communication. It’s all about gratitude.

Let’s say that you’re not having the best relationship right now with your family members or whomever, whatever kind of relationship, one thing you can do is appreciate one thing about them. Just think of one thing. What that does is it raises your own vibration of appreciation because appreciation is never wasted. Even if it’s just as simple as they bring me coffee in the morning, that’s the one thing I can appreciate about that person.

It’s important to understand your subconscious beliefs and where they come from so when you shift them, it shifts in a whole energetic, experiential, and cellular way.

What ends up happening is they will either rise to that level of appreciation. They have to rise to that level or it will go through that person and it will ping or hit somewhere else for someone else. You will attract back to you, appreciation. It may not be from the person you want it to be, and it may, but in either case, you get what you want. You get more appreciation back to you.

My husband and I learned that from Harville Hendrix. Every night, before we go to sleep, we do a minimum of three things that we appreciate about each other. It can be the simplest things, like thank you for telling me this or what or doing the dishes. Something small because our brain is wired to look for what’s bad, to look for the sabretooth tiger, to look for what is missing.

The moment you shift from that old ancient program into gratitude, you look at the glass half full and you focus on what’s good. Like you said, whatever you focus on, the energy will flow you there. You build each other up instead of breaking each other down. That’s how you say it. Instead of depleting the relationship, you are nourishing the relationship.

It raises your vibration as well. You attract that back to you so it’s never wasted.

Because when we start a relationship, it’s all hormones, pheromones, oxytocin, and all those good hormones. We just see what’s good, and then when that initial excitement is fading, we have to put a lot into the relationship on a daily basis in order to have it grow. It’s like a plant. You can’t just look at it and expect it to survive. It needs sunlight, it needs water. It needs it often and frequently.

People think, oh my God, I got married or I have a boyfriend, yoo-hoo. That’s just the beginning of a new phase. It never ends. You always have to give and receive. Just like you’re breathing—you’re inhaling, exhaling. You can’t stop breathing. You have to breathe the relationship and bring it life.

Your emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual selves must be connected to better understand why you're doing the things you do. Click To Tweet

Speaking of breathing life, many people have fallen in love, and then there are people who have fallen out of love. Perhaps a new way of looking at a relationship is orbiting in love. What I mean by that is most people, whether you know this or not, when you get into a relationship, oftentimes, the reason on a subconscious belief reason, is we’re coming to that person and we’re saying, hey, please love me, show me that I’m lovable, please tell me that I’m a lovable person.

It’s called the honeymoon stage. Whenever you first meet people and you get together, you’re not thinking that consciously. You’re not saying, hey, love me so I can love myself. Subconsciously, we’re asking that other person to prove over and over and over again how much you’re loved and how much of what you believe is that you’re lovable.

Because what ends up happening, that honeymoon stage, we try. We try to give people something that they want. We try to make them happy, which we think that’s what we’re supposed to do. That’s the falling in love part. But what ends up happening is it’s very exhausting to try to fill another person’s hole, to try to fill another person’s void, to say I love you enough, and let me keep proving this over and over and over again.

It gets exhausting after a while because guess what, they want the same thing. The whole concept of orbiting in love means if you feel whole and complete within yourself and you’re not needing another person to come to you to prove to you how lovable and loved you are. Because you already are that, you already believe that then you’re going to attract another person to you that’s whole and complete.

When you both are whole and complete, when you come together as a couple, then you create something even bigger than you can buy yourself. It’s called synergy. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Meaning, one plus one equals three. You have you and you bring that other person to you that’s whole and complete, and that’s them, that’s another person. When you come together, it’s a whole separate entity called us.

Instead of contracting, becoming one, and it’s very romantic. It’s like it’s my other half. People say ‘that’s my other half’ or ‘my better half.’ What does that make you, a half-person? That’s why people get devastated when someone leaves or if there’s some kind of a mix-up, there’s a divorce, or something happens, it leaves them empty. It’s like, who am I now without that other person?

That is because they’ve contracted instead of expanded. The concept of this is, perhaps, a whole other way of looking at relationships is that one plus one equals three. There’s you and there’s me, and then together, it makes us where we are something even bigger than we can be when we’re by ourselves, but we don’t lose who we are in the process.

Yeah, I like that. I like that a lot. Also, for the single people who are listening, it’s almost like when you give up that neediness—I don’t want it to sound bad, but there is some kind of neediness sometimes especially women come into the relationship or insane to themselves, ‘Oh, the clock is ticking and I need to get married.’ ‘Hello, how are you, want to get married?’ It’s that energy of, I need you, I need you now, and this needs to happen now.

People don’t like that. People are scared of these types of energy. But when you come and you’re like, I want you, I don’t need you, I am good, that is when you are becoming more desirable and more attractive to the other person.

Right, and it’s even deeper. Like I said, most people don’t even think about—you don’t come to somebody, you don’t just say, ‘hey, prove to me that I’m lovable.’ You don’t come to someone and say that, but that’s basically an essence. Oftentimes, why we get into a relationship is so that we can not feel alone so that we can feel we are loved.

If we don’t feel it within ourselves, to begin with, that we could fill out our own self-worth and our own love for who we are and we’re whole and we’re complete, then it eases the pressure for someone else to fill it for you. It’s not about just being needy. It’s a belief that oftentimes, we don’t want to be alone. We don’t feel complete without another person.

That’s why I was saying I make fun about, what are you, a half-person? It’s my other half? But a lot of us will do that where you tend to put our existence on other people and project our own worthiness or unworthiness onto other people. One of the best ways that I know to share all of this is to say my strength lies in my vulnerability. Because the more vulnerable you become, the stronger you become and it makes absolutely no sense, logically.

If you try to figure it out logically, it doesn’t make sense. But if you open yourself up and you have empathy, in order to have a compassionate relationship, you have to have empathy, respect, and ownership. Meaning that you take ownership of your own thoughts, your own beliefs, and your own actions. That you respect yourself and others enough, that you have empathy toward another person, and put yourself in their shoes.

If you can keep that as a basis when you’re in a relationship, that becomes more of a compassionate relationship as opposed to an egocentric relationship, which means if you’re a victim, if you are a rescuer, or you’re a self-protector. That’s where you’re talking about that reptilian brain, the brain that tries to protect. What ends up happening is, in an egocentric type of relationship, a victim is basically saying, I’m helpless, there’s nothing I can do about it.

We tend to blame our partners or blame people for our situation. What we do when we blame people is we’re giving our power away. We’re saying, there’s nothing I can do about it because I’m a victim and I’m stuck. The other part of self-protect, if you’re a self-protector in a relationship, what that can look like is like a blowfish. You’re going to protect yourself and intimidate the other person so that you don’t get hurt.

You’re self-protecting yourself and saying, let me intimidate you and let me be a bully so that you won’t hurt me. Or the other way that you self-protect is you run and hide and you don’t play. The rescuer, that’s the co-dependent. The rescuer says, I don’t really feel good about myself but I’m going to come rescue you. That will make me feel better about who I am. I’m a good guy, so let me come and rescue you. Again, that puts you into that egocentric type of relationship.

There’s a lot of nuances about how to be in a relationship and how to communicate from that perspective. There’s so much more I could share about all of this. I have so many tools that I can give around it. But just to give you concepts, those are some of the concepts of different ways of being in a relationship.

That’s beautiful. Now I do have a different question. What are your three top tips to living a stellar life?

I have so many. I would say love yourself. Trust and allow and don’t ask how. Understand that my strength lies in my vulnerability. That’s what I would say. Personally, there’s so many more I could say about that, but definitely, it’s really understanding who you are, that you’re important, that you make a difference, and that you matter.

I feel like if you keep that in the forefront of your thoughts and your actions, then everything will be okay. I would say also, take responsibility for your thoughts, your beliefs, and your actions. Don’t blame other people or go into shame for things that you’re creating because it really does not serve you to be in shame or blame other people. Because, like I said, you become powerless when you do that and you can’t change anything. Taking responsibility for your own thoughts, your own beliefs, and your own actions is key and it’s a freedom, I believe.

That’s beautiful. Where can people find you? I also know that you have a gift for our listeners.

I do. Well, essenceofbeing.com is the name of the company. I’ve been teaching this for 40 years. I also have our nonprofit, which is the Healing Forest Foundation, healingforestfoundation.org. We’re building schools in Africa with that. Also, I’ve been teaching in Asia, in Africa, in Europe, of course, the US, and South America.

We’re teaching children and adults these types of experiences so that we can create a win-win world. So healingforestfoundation.org is our nonprofit, and essenceofbeing.com is the main website for that. I have gifts for you guys and one of them is if you’re in the US, you can text 770-767-3848. You put in the message, EOB, which stands for Essence of Being, then you will get affirmations for prosperity, you’ll get a whole audio download, you’ll get four free videos on how to create wealth. That’s one way.

Another one is I’m giving another gift, which is more about authentic relationships. You can go to essenceofbeing.com/rel which stands for relationships. That will give you a download on authentic relationships where you could dive a little deeper into some of these experiences and these concepts.

Thank you, that is beautiful. I loved our conversation. Thank you for the wisdom and everything that you shared. So many gifts, it’s like Christmas. I appreciate you very much. Thank you for being here.

You’re welcome. I’m so glad, Orion, that we could play together today. I look forward to playing again.

Thank you. Thank you, listeners. Remember to love yourself. Trust and allow and don’t ask how. Remember that your strength is in your vulnerability. Have a stellar life. This is Orion, until next time.

Your Checklist of Actions to Take

{✓}Surround yourself with like-minded people who support you. They will remind you that you are important, powerful, and can make a difference in the world.
{✓}Don’t be scared to be vulnerable. Your vulnerability is the key to having more authentic relationships and being able to communicate.
{✓}Let go of limiting beliefs. Instead, trust that you can do anything and allow a shift in your belief system without asking how because things will start to change if you change.
{✓}Practice how to listen and be heard. This will give you more open communication with others and remove your subconscious belief that you are not important enough for people to hear you.
{✓}Don’t let your self-worth depend on other people’s opinions. You don’t need any approval or affirmation from others that you are good enough.
{✓}Apply the concept of pattern interruption every time a negative belief comes up in your mind. Pinch yourself on your thumb, hand, or arm to bring awareness. The pain stops your thought process.
{✓}Learn how to appreciate one thing about the people around you. Appreciation raises your own and other people’s vibration. You will also attract appreciation through this practice.
{✓}Stop blaming others for your situation. You are giving away your power to grow and mature because you are victimizing yourself. Instead, be responsible for your actions.
{✓}Love yourself and understand who you are. Remember that you are important, powerful, make a difference, and you matter.
{✓}Check out Burge Smith-Lyons’s website and the Essence of Being website to work with her. Also, go to essenceofbeing.com/rel to download Authentic Relationships + Orbiting in Love free podcast recordings.

Links and Resources

About Burge Smith-Lyons

Burge Smith-Lyons is founder and CEO of Essence of Being®, Inc., Healing Forest Foundation, and The Conscious Leadership Academy. For more than 40 years, she has helped thousands of men, women, children and companies globally, with emotional and spiritual healing, self-development, communication techniques, relationships, abundance team building, and leadership development. Burge is an international bestselling author, motivational and keynote speaker, channeler, spiritual healer, hypnotherapist, relationship and communications expert.