Sex, Love, and Life Force: A New Paradigm for Modern Relationships with Jacqueline Hellyer

A Personal Note From Orion

Welcome to Stellar Life—your go-to podcast for exploring the depths of intimate connections, personal growth, and living life to the fullest. In today’s episode, we’re thrilled to have Jacqueline Hellyer, a renowned sex and relationship therapist, join us for an enlightening conversation.

As the founder of the LoveLife Clinic with two decades of experience, Jacqueline brings a wealth of knowledge about integrating healthy sexuality through psychological, somatic, and spiritual approaches. Our discussion dives into the balancing act of differing desires in relationships, the importance of shared joy and mindfulness, and rethinking our sexual vocabulary for a deeper connection.

We’ll touch on everything from managing external societal pressures and unrealistic media portrayals of sex to fostering positive communication and dealing with body shame and sexual trauma. Jacqueline also shares invaluable tips on teaching children about sexuality and body autonomy right from birth, emphasizing the need for parental guidance without overstepping boundaries.

Join us as we explore the significance of becoming embodied, the nuances of the “seven flavors of sex,” and how modern media may lack true intimacy. Plus, hear transformative tips on how to create a conducive environment for intimacy and how ongoing consent can enhance your relationships. Stay tuned for a deeply enriching episode that promises to shift your perspective and enhance your intimate life. So, without further ado, let’s dive into the show!

In This Episode

[02:34] – Orion introduces Jacqueline Hellyer, founder of The LoveLife Clinic and a total sex geek. Jacqueline discusses her background and her journey into sexology and psychology.
[08:39] – Orion and Jacqueline discuss the appropriate age for parents to initiate conversations about sex with their children.
[15:56] – Jacqueline explores techniques for being fully present and engaging mindfully with your partner.
[18:59] – Jacqueline underscores the importance of adopting a sex-positive lifestyle and explains her avoidance of the term “penetration.”
[22:24] – Drawing on years of client experience, Jacqueline reveals her insights into the primary issues people face and effective solutions.
[26:35] – Jacqueline addresses dealing with body shame and sexual preferences shame within partners.
[34:53] – Jacqueline outlines activities and therapies offered at her clinic and retreats for couples.
[36:17] – Jacqueline explores the concept of the seven flavors of sex.
[42:36] – Jacqueline details her approach to helping individuals overcome shame or low self-esteem, particularly related to childhood or significant life events.
[50:12] – Jacqueline shares three tips for living a stellar life.

Jump to Links and Resources

About Today’s Show

Hey, Jacqueline. Welcome to the Stellar Life podcast. Thank you so much for being here.

Hello. It’s wonderful to be here. Thanks for inviting me.

So today, we’re going to talk about one of the topics that people are like, “There is so much around this topic. We love it. We hate it. We have shame. We have fear. We get exhilarated. There is so much weight to the stop. It’s okay to talk about it. It’s not okay to talk about it. Be a good girl.” It’s confusing. It’s changing. It’s evolving. It’s sex.

So tell me, my dear, how did you start your fascination with sex, love, and intimacy? What I love about what you do is that you also get into the psychology of it, not just the physical, because we are connected, mind and body, and you bring it all together.

Great Sex After Kids by Jacqueline Hellyer

It’s very holistic. How did I get into it? I’ve always been fascinated by the topic, but I didn’t intend to specialize until it’s like the universe led me down that pathway. I actually wrote a book for parents on how to keep their sex life going when they start having children at a time when I had three young children myself. That side of life was going well, and that just clients wanted to start talking about sex. I was quite happy to go there.

But I would like to be well qualified in certain things. So I found out there’s a master’s degree in sexology that I could do to qualify as what’s officially called a psychosexual therapist or a clinical sexologist. It just all took off from there. I loved it because I discovered that I was doing quality, transformative work with people, which was 20-odd years ago.

What’s the difference between having sex and having sex that is intimate and connected?

Well, you can just bring your genitals together, and your mind can be somewhere else. Your heart can be locked away, and you’re just doing the genital thing. That can feel okay, but it’s kind of just getting off, and there’s a place for that. I’m not saying that in itself is bad, but if that’s all you’re doing, especially if you’re doing that with someone who you actually love, it’s a bit empty, lonely, and soulless.

Yes, I agree. I’m older now, but when I look at what you see, even in MTV awards or Hollywood, sexuality is so exploited. I feel like young children and teenagers learn that they have to be validated as human beings. They have to put four layers of makeup on and shorter shorts, show everything, go with the flow, and be just cool like Nicki Minaj. I just saw a clip from Katy Perry was scissoring her co-star on stage. It is almost like a lesbian sex act on stage.

I’m like, “Why do we need to see that? Why do young children who are watching this need to see that?” “This is how you play. Be like me. Be like Katy Perry.” And now, a 13- and 12-year-old watched this, and it’s not that cool. What we are teaching our children today is not ours, but the media is not very great when it comes to sex.

Humans evolved to be so sexual because it connects us.

I totally agree with you. On the one hand, yes, you can say that it’s good that the topic of sex is becoming more acceptable, and we can sort of express it however we want. However, if people are being channeled in certain ways, this is what sexual expression is. I believe that part of the problem with that is it takes out actually what is good: connection.

In fact, humans evolved to be so sexual because it connects us. I think this is a cool way of looking at why we evolved this way. As our brains got bigger, our skulls got bigger, and we had to give birth earlier and earlier. Otherwise, that big skull wouldn’t have fitted out the birth canal. So, human infants are born incredibly helpless. It takes about seven years or so for a human infant to get to where a human child where most mammal babies are almost immediately or within a few weeks. Then, there’s another seven years before they can reproduce. That’s a long investment.

Whereas in other mammal species, there’s no fatherhood. You don’t need the males for anything other than to impregnate with humans. There was evolutionary pressure for the fathers to hang around and help out. If the men helped out, they were more likely to have successful offspring who would continue their gene line, which is the basis of life at a biological level, to continue the genes.

But if they weren’t doing that, the mother wouldn’t have been able to manage the hero. So, as part of that, humans have become very tactile and collective, and we love to connect, particularly with people we love. The theory goes that part of that is being sexual, which is why, as humans, most of the sex that we have is not about reproduction. We rarely have sex for reproduction. Mostly, it’s about connecting.

It's not about the act itself—sex is an extension of our everyday interactions, a deeper expression of our connection, love, and presence with our partner. Share on X

It also explains why we’re still sexually active post-reproductive age because we want our grandparents to be loved up. That is probably why there are lots of same-sex attracted people. Not everyone needs to be having children because we’re a collective. We get together, and that’s how we evolved. But then it all got bad under oppression, and there were a few thousand years of, “Sex is bad, sex is bad.”

At what age do you start talking about sex with your children, and how can you teach them, “Hey, what you’re seeing on MTV is not the real deal.” It’s about not having shame around your body or sexuality. But don’t exploit yourself and think this is what it should look like. There is a certain way for sex to look like. Even though we are children, we’re not exposed to this level of sexuality in the media. A lot of people think, “I have to perform like her. I have to look like her. This is how it’s done.” And sometimes the best sex is just like having a connection and a quickie and hug and fall asleep. It doesn’t have to be all this big show, the big facade, or Photoshop.

Exactly. As some of my young clients have said, “I feel like someone’s got a camera on me because it’s become such a performative visual thing for them.” So what to do? You start right from birth, and a lot of it is actually about teaching your children to have agency over their own bodies and to have agency over their choices in life while still guiding them. You don’t force them to do things they don’t want. You don’t force them to give Grandpa a kiss if they don’t want to. Otherwise, you’re training them not to honor their own needs and wishes. If they’re saying they don’t want something, maybe give them a choice or engage in the why, of course, depending on the age.

It’s rare that we have sex for reproduction. Mostly, it’s about connecting.

Teaching them that their body is beautiful, using actual words for parts of the body. And very importantly, it is about being comfortable in your own sexuality and demonstrating to your children love and connection. Of course, not genital stuff right in public, but if you get on with your partner, the other parent, or the step-parent, whoever it is, and you’re being positive, they see that, “Oh, that’s love. That’s safe.” So then, when they start to understand that sex is something that mommies and daddies do or mommies and mommies, whatever their gender, they understand it within the context, “Oh, but that’s a loving situation.”

Then, the parents can start teaching them because they’ve already taught them that privacy is important and that they have agency over their own bodies. If they’ve caught their children maybe touching their genitals or whatever, they’re just like, “Hey, that’s okay. That feels good. It’s good. Just do it privately.” When they start coming across the concepts around sex, they’ve got a positive framework in which to conceptualize it and hopefully be able to talk to the parents as well.

As a mother, one of the most dominant emotions that I carry is guilt because I’m such a thinker. I have talked to a lot of experts here on the show already, with almost 400 episodes, and I’ve done a lot of self-development, etc. I’m like, “I am screwing up my son.” I’m good, good, good, good, good. And then, one day, I’ll be tired and unconscious, and I’ll say or do the wrong thing. I’m like, “Oh, why did I say it now?” In my mind, “This is the first seven years of life, and he’s in a state of hypnosis and delta brainwaves, and everything that I’m saying is affecting him and what I’m going to do, and I just did it. How can I fix it? Oh, my God. My little son, my little angel. I waited for him for so long, and look at what I’ve done.”

Start honoring your truth and pay attention to what you’re feeling in the moment rather than thinking that you’ve got to go into something.

Life is not perfect. Part of his growth is dealing with all the imperfections in life. We just fumble along as best we can.

Yes. When it comes to sex and sexuality, I did find myself, “Oh, we’re going to give grandma a kiss.” He does that. I don’t think I ever forced him, but I sometimes said, “Oh, give me a kiss. We’re going.” I never force him to do it, but sometimes I do without knowing. I don’t know.

Yeah, it’s just an interesting thing to start pondering. We don’t want our children to have a free-for-all. Of course, as parents, we’re there to guide them. But are there times when we’re sort of forcing them to do something because we think we should, and we’re actually overriding their choice? They’re learning not to trust their own choices or to feel that they have to capitulate to what someone in a more dominant position has to say.

Yes, I usually try to say when he asks me a question. He’s like, “Hey, do you think it’s beautiful?” I’m like, “What do you think? Are you proud of yourself?” I’m trying to do that. But of course, as the control freak that I am, I determine a lot of what he does. He’s five, so you have to, to some degree. I think women are exposed to a lot of sexual pain, a lot of sexual hurt, and a lot of trauma.

I know I had. I was raped at age 20. I was at a club. It was my birthday, actually, and my friends left, but I was like, “Oh, it’s my birthday. I want to stay. I want to party.” Somebody put some drugs. That happened, and I need some healing from that. It doesn’t raise any emotional charge, but it’s enough to be with an intimate partner and him saying something about your body or that there’s a lot of pain sometimes around sexuality and a lot of fear and a lot of things that are thoughts that are not even yours, that others have implanted, either the collective or intimate partners throughout the years. How do you release people from those traumas or those pains?

It’s so common and probably more so with women, but certainly, men have it as well, in different ways. The history of our society has not been very sex-positive, so it’s in there, right? And now we’ve got all these expectations thrown out at us about what it’s supposed to be like. We need to do with our children, and we need to do with ourselves and start honoring our truth and paying attention to what we’re feeling in the moment rather than thinking that we’ve got to go into something. And then there are all these expectations that you have to do this, and you’ve got to do that to bring it back to just this moment. It’s very mindful. It’s about engaging in sex mindfully. You can even see it as a mindfulness practice.

Taking the time to connect with your partner is going to start you getting love drunk.

How do you bring it to the moment when your mind runs into like, “Oh, wow, I have this 10,000 to-do list. How do you bring it back to the body? How do you get present?

A lot of it is about how you connect with your partner. If you’re coming together and really, truly like, “Ah, it’s you,” and taking your time to connect, that will start getting you what I call ‘love drunk.’ You start to go into an altered state of consciousness and are much less likely to get distracted. A lot of people will have a drink or something before they have sex because it sort of gets them into that state where they’re not busy in their minds.

If you don’t want to have a drink beforehand, then much of it is about how you approach and pace it. Too often, people just go too fast. Too often, they’re trying to get to the end result because they’ve got a very linear view of what sex is. You’ve got to get to the intercourse, you’ve got to get to the ejaculation, you’ve got to have the orgasm, rather than just going, “Well, where am I at right now? Let’s have a nice conversation. Let’s have a foot rub. Let’s lie in each other’s arms and enjoy skin-on-skin contact without thinking that that must lead to that.”

Give yourself a chance to really sink in. You also make sure that your environment is supportive. What kind of environment makes you relax and let go? For example, for parents, I always say, “Do you have a lock on the door?” Because if you don’t have a lock on your bedroom door, you will always be slightly anxious that the children might burst in. Are you doing it in a way?

That’s my first requirement.

Things like playing music. I’m a big fan of music in the bedroom.

That’s my second requirement.

Consent is a moment-by-moment co-creation.

Yeah. It creates a nice atmosphere, and it distracts the mind as well. If you’re doing it at night, when all you want to do is fall asleep, then you’re not going to be very present. If anything is going, “Let’s get this over with so I can go to sleep.” So there’s a lot to be thinking about. Like, how are we connecting? Are we paying attention, each of us? What am I feeling like in this moment?

From that co-creating moment by moment, we often talk about consent as though it’s a yes or no to an entire activity, whereas for me, consent is a moment-by-moment co-creation. “Where am I feeling? Oh, I want this at this moment. What about you?” Yeah, this is good. “Let’s do this. And now, actually, I’m feeling like this. What about you?” So you don’t just assume that we’re going to do this, and then we’re going to do this because that stops people from doing anything.

The pressure, the expectation.

A certain type of hug, a certain kind of kiss, or a certain type of comment is a green light, too. You don’t feel like that right now, so you’re just going to stay away, and then you’re not doing the kinds of things that might actually get you in the mood and get you connected enough to want to take it further.

How do you get in the mood when you don’t feel like getting in the mood? When you’re tired, when you’re just like, “Mmm, I kind of want to be with my partner, but, man, I had a long day, and my body’s a little tired.”

You have to look at it within the context of your entire life. Too many people that I talk to don’t have a sex-friendly lifestyle.

They’re just exhausted all the time. My lifestyle is not sex friendly.

No. And if you’re tired and exhausted, it is totally normal not to feel like sex. That’s just normal.

I feel like most females need to be very relaxed, receptive, and open before they can be penetrated before they can receive. If you are in go mode more in your masculine energy and your body is very tight and tired, nothing’s getting in there; it’s too much.

No. In fact, I never use the word penetration. I think it’s a horrendous word to use. I mean, everyone does it, but it’s a violent word. It means to break through—resistance.

Now, it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like at that moment when I put pressure on myself, this word comes to mind subconsciously.

I never use the word penetration because I think it’s a horrendous word to use; it’s a violent word.

If you think about the word penetration, it causes you to constrict. “Ah, penetrate.” And it puts the onus on the man as the penetrator. The owner of the penis is the penetrator. So you’re just reinforcing this view of sex that it’s something that a man does to a woman. And the woman has to prepare to be penetrated rather than, as you said, opening and relaxing.

It’s actually better for the man, too, to be in that relaxed, open state because then you get two people coming together and co-creating rather than one person, generally, the man having all the pressure on him to penetrate and get it right and make sure she has a good time because there’s a lot of pressure on them and keep the penis hard all the time. Then there’s pressure on the woman to sort of take it in and ensure it’s okay. Rather than both people just going, “Hey, this is where I’m at. Where are you at?” Like, “Ah, let’s just have a nice conversation, have a foot rub, have a nice cuddle, and a kiss.” No pressure.

I find that eye gazing, breathing, and hand-holding are really good ways to start sex. It doesn’t have to be with sexy comments or sexy attire. All that is surface level when you actually connect. The more I am connected to my partner, the more we have a heart connection than everything else opening up. Then, the body can relax and feel safe because I’m with someone who makes me feel safe, and I don’t feel like I need to perform. I can even say, “You know what? I’m tired today. Do me. Do whatever you want.”

Let’s just have a nice puddle. Absolutely. And it’s so much better for the men as well. It solved that kind of approach. There is a whole heap of male problems as well—erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, etc.

They feel the pressure. Yes, we usually talk about women, but men have problems too. So, in your many years of helping people, what did you find? The main problems and the main solutions.

We can’t all be sexually dysfunctional. The problem’s got to be the model of sex that we’re ascribing to.

The main problem is our view of what sex is. I always think we can’t all be sexually dysfunctional. The problem’s got to be the model of sex that we’re ascribing to. It is that very linear thing that once you start, you have to go through to the finish, which in heterosexual sex is normally the male ejaculating. That’s got to happen at the right time, in the right way, and she’s got to have an orgasm beforehand.

Sounds like an Opera singer.

Yeah, right. All these and all the KPI. You know, it’s interesting. When I talk to couples, I always say to them the first thing, “Why sex? Why do we have sex?” Usually, they go, “Oh, that’s a good question. I never thought of that.” Like, “Okay, so you’ve got this problem and never thought about the why.” But what they always say is it’s about pleasure and connection. And yes, as I said earlier, we evolved to have a connection through pleasure.

So our only two KPIs (key performance indicators) are: 1) Is it pleasurable? 2) Is it connecting? Yet all our problems are quantitative, not qualitative. It’s all about how long, how often, how quick, how hard, how big, and how loud. It’s all this quantitative stuff. When people get down to why they’re doing it, there’s nothing quantitative about it at all. It’s all about this feeling, this experience of pleasure and connection. We need to shift our concept of what sex is to just about pleasure and connection. That goes way beyond what your genitals are doing, as that flows into the whole of your life.

It’s the moment you wake up in the morning, look at your beloved, and go, “Oh, darling. Hello. Nice to see you.” That is a sharing of energy that has that. I call it a ‘potentized love energy.’ It’s like you use your sexual energy to potentize your love. It’s not just, “Do I love you?” It’s, “Oh, I love you.” There’s a little frisson in that, and that is energy.

What is frisson?

Use your sexual energy to potentize your love.

It’s a French word for, “Oh, that’s nuts.” It’s subtle. But when a couple is sharing that throughout the day with little touches, kisses, glances, comments, and little heart emojis at the end of a text all these nights, it’s like, “Here you go.”

Eggplants. Just kidding.

Well, yeah, some people like eggplant.

I never sent an eggplant emoji. I’m not sure exactly what it is, but I know it’s something sexual.

It’s supposed to represent the penis. But it’s also about understanding. Even if you like eggplant emojis, when do you want it? Probably first thing in the morning when you’re trying to get ready and out to work. That’s not a time for an eggplant emoji. Maybe if you’ve been lying in the bath for an hour at the end of an evening, drinking a glass of wine, and you receive an eggplant emoji, then you might be like, “Well, okey-dokey, let’s get eggplant,” for example.

Part of it is about sharing this loveliness and understanding. What is that loveliness? At different times of the day, in different circumstances, certain situations feel connected, but that same thing at a different time might not be. As I just said, they plan emoji when you’re trying to get breakfast organized and the kids off to school.

No, that’s not connecting. That’s the opposite. But maybe later on, if you’re having a nice time and there’s some kind of overt sexual comment, that will be better received because you’re in that space and feeling more relaxed and connected.

Engaging in sex mindfully; you can even see it as a mindfulness practice.

Yeah, it’s all about context and nuance.

Exactly. We really need to understand that if you want to have a good quality love life. I use that term advisedly because as soon as we say sex, everyone goes straight to the penis and vagina-type activities. If you want to have a good quality love life, you’ve got to really examine it and focus on it like anything else good in life. And talk about it, but do it in a positive way, like, “It’s a beautiful part of life, but often we don’t talk about it unless there’s a problem.”

What do you do about body shame or shame with sexual preferences?

It’s really important when we talk with our partners that when we hear what they’re saying, we always listen open-mindedly. We don’t have to like what they’re suggesting, but I like to make comparisons with other parts of life. If your partner was to say to you, “Wow, I’d really like to try goat curry,” and you might be like, “Oh, that doesn’t sound nice.” You still listen, right? Or if you’re talking about, “Where are we going on holiday?” And your partner says, “I really love to climb the Himalayas,” and you’re thinking to yourself, “Oh, my God, I want to go and lie by a pool.”

It’s really important that we always listen open-mindedly to what our partners say when we talk with them.

But you don’t shame your partner for that. It’s the same with sexual things. We’re much more likely if our partner says, “Well, I’ve never had sex outside. I’d like to try that.” Your reaction might be like, “Oh, no, I don’t want to do that.” “Ah, I’m not listening.” Or, “You horrible pervert. What if someone saw us? That’s disgusting.” What’s important is that we just listen. “Really? You’d like to try that? Why does that appeal to you? I’m not sure it’s something that I’d be into, but certainly curious to understand you.”

Often, when things go bad, it is because we all have sexual shame. It’s impossible to grow up in this culture and not have even a tiny bit. If we have desires that we’re not sure about, whether they’re okay or not, there’s going to be a bit of shame attached. If we don’t express it, they stay on the inside, and they can ferment and turn into something bad.

Particularly if we try to express it to our beloved and they shame us for it, then it’s going to be squished down really hard. We’ll either sort of just cut ourselves off from our partner, or it might direct us into some other kind of behaviors that aren’t life-enhancing.

Or just shut apart ourselves that is unexpressed. And that’s sad, especially if you’re in a monogamous relationship for years and years on end. Like, “Life is short. Why not?” I mean, within reason, why not try and experience and connect and learn and just fail miserably but try it?

And it all starts with just talking to each other and just listening. Actually, if you have a good conversation, once you understand why your partner’s interested in something, and if you sort of talked about your fears or boundaries, you can give it a go. But even if you don’t want to give it a go, you don’t have to. It might just be like, “No, can’t go there.” But at least your partners feel heard and accepted and haven’t been shamed. Just like, “Oh, okay, that’s cool. That’s what you want, but sorry, I can’t just go there.”

Co-regulation in relationships, where partners help each other manage internal states, creates a foundation for a nurturing and secure bond. Share on X

It also makes for a better relationship because you truly connect with your partner, just surface talking or surface sexy. You really connect. Like, “Hey, this is me. Genuine me. This is how I want to connect with you. Yeah, you’re a neighbor. At least we share something. At least you know me better. At least I know you better.”

Absolutely. And to use an example, I’ll just stick with the outdoor sex one. One person might be thinking, “Oh, I’d like to do that. It’s really exciting.” And the other one’s like, “Oh, my God, someone might see us. That would be awful.” So then you address that, “Oh, my God, someone might see us.” Like, well, “What if no one could see us?”

And then it’s like, “Well, why would you want to do it if no one could see you?” You can have an interesting conversation. You might end up going and staying overnight in a hotel on the 30th floor and having sex in the window.

Oh, that’s a good idea.

That might meet both. One person’s desire to be sort of a little bit more flagrant while the other one’s like, “Ah, but actually, no one’s really going to see us unless they’ve got a telescope.”

We need to accept that we can’t have everything we want in life.

I love the idea of finding creative solutions to fulfill each other’s needs. It’s like an omnivore in life for me. My partner is mostly vegan, and we live with that, and that’s okay. We respect each other. I respect his way of life and his choices. He respects mine. Sometimes I have to cook twice. I’m not happy about it, but I do it because I love it.

The thing is, we need to accept that we can’t have everything we want in life. And sometimes we’re disappointed. You’d probably love to eat roast beef with him, and you’re just never going to get the opportunity to eat roast beef with him. Okay, it’s just a little bit disappointing. But there are heaps of other good things that you can eat together. And it’s the same sexually.

Because our brains are wired to always be in a relationship, in sex, in life, in everything, we are wired for danger. Our primitive brains that did not evolve are wired to look for the saber-toothed tiger. We are attracted to bad news and sensational news on social media or anywhere. Even with our partners, we tend to forget why we are with them and just look at the glass half full and look for danger.

So, we need to rewire our brains to look at what’s good. “What do I love about him? Why am I with him? Wait a minute. Let’s breathe. Let’s get out of my thinking mind and into just holding. Let’s connect on a heart level. Let’s see all the beautiful things about him or her. Let’s really, really get into a place of love where you exude love, and you connect, and you see beauty in your partner.” And from that place, there are infinite possibilities.

Absolutely. That’s why I sometimes joke I should be called a ‘getting-to-sex therapist’ rather than a sex therapist because I spend so much more time on getting there, creating the right kind of lifestyle and relationship and home and concepts and everything.

Sex should be a co-creative process where both partners adjust according to their feelings, fostering ongoing consent and mutual enjoyment.

What is it like? Cause I’ve never been to a sex therapist.

Oh, well, there are different types, but I just do talk therapy, so I also run couples and women’s retreats. So that’s a lot more experiential.

You guide the couples to do things or connect. And there are physical acts in the room. How does it work at the retreat or in my physical, non-sexual, non-penetration acts?

You used the word.

Yes, I used that again. Oh, my goodness. I’m too programmed.

I know that. Get that word out of our language, out of our sexual vocabulary. It’s terrible. I like to use the word envelopment. Like, “Let’s have envelopment sex. Let my vagina envelop your penis.”

I don’t know what envelopment means, but I’m going to look at the dictionary for that.

It means to envelop, to cover.

The rush and goal-oriented approach to intimacy often disconnects us from the true essence of a sexual encounter, which is being present and deeply connected with our partner. Share on X

There’s even a pretty good second language, but still, there are so many new words.

Don’t worry about it. It’s like the sense of taking the onus off from what the man’s doing to what the woman’s doing and that she’s inviting and enveloping, safe, cuddling his penis with her vagina.

It feels more grounded.

It is. And it’s so much more connecting, and it’s so much nicer for the penis and the penis owner as well because there’s no pressure. He can just go in and say, “Oh, this just feels so nice.”

“Come here, you penis owner. Let me envelop you.”

“Yeah, come on in. I’m inviting you in.” Most penises don’t like to go in without an invitation. Like, “Oh, am I doing this right? Is this the right time?” But to know that he’s invited in and being held with love from the inside. Fantastic. I got distracted. What was I talking about a moment ago?

I got distracted, too. I was like, wait a minute, what’s envelopment? Analyzing this word. Go back here. Hello there, Jacqueline. How are you doing? We are still live in the podcast. I’m the host right now. You are my expert guest, and we’re talking about sex. Sex can be very distracting. How can I be present even with sex, even if I’m just thinking about sex? I get out of focus.

Learn how to express your boundaries in a positive way and get curious about each other so that you can create beautiful experiences.

Now that I’m back in focus, too. I remember what we were talking about. You were asking what people do in my clinic or a retreat. I teach them more mindfulness practices to be more present with each other in the retreat. We actually do things like eye gazing and touching. But lots and lots of talking and learning how to talk and learning how to talk about this in a really positive way. Learn how to express your boundaries in a positive way and get curious about each other so that you can create beautiful experiences.

Do you know the work of Jaiya? Have you heard of her?

I think so. She’s the blueprints woman, isn’t she?

Yes. So, she was my episode number three on this podcast, and I know her personally from my time in LA. And I love the idea of blueprints because she talks about everybody having five blueprints—energetic, sexual, sensual, kinky, and shapeshifter, which is all of them. And sometimes, a sexual person will approach an energetic person in a sexual way. This means let’s just go straight to business when the energetic person gets more turned on by looking at them, gazing at them across from the other side of the room.

I have a similar concept. I call them the seven flavors of sex.

Oh, tell me more about that. What are the flavors? I wanna know more about some flavors.

I also talk about how sometimes you might be in one flavor to get to another idea.You might want more than another. Well, look, it’s kinda similar, I think. I’m not that familiar with what she does. So some people are very intense. They’re very focused on the physical, and they really like the genitals and the rumpy-pumpy. They’ve got quite an intense energy.

Then you get people who are more playful, so their energy is more like, “Oh, wow, what should we do? We could do this. We could do that.” Like, “Oh, shall we get out the toys, or should we roleplay?”

Then, you get ones that are sensual. It’s probably similar to her sensual. You know, I love the whole body and taking time.

Gotta have your music, gotta have your feathers, whatever you need to get in the mood. For me, being in a dirty, unorganized location, it will knock me out of state for sure.

Yeah, exactly. Then there’s what I call a romantic. That’s where it’s just very simple and love-based. You’re talking earlier about how sometimes just a nice little quickie can be beautiful because it’s just focused on you and me.

Our sexual preferences are as diverse as our personalities. Understanding and accepting different 'flavors of sex' helps create harmony and deeper intimacy in relationships. Share on X

Then there’s what I call wicked. I don’t say kinky because a lot of people play act kinky—a lot of the playful types. “Oh, you’re not a foe. I’m gonna spank your bottom.” There’s more of that playful energy, whereas truly wicked people like to play on the edge. It’s sort of like a different energy.

Then also the energetic, the more mystical, like the people that really like when nothing much is happening. Like an eye gaze or a sense of anticipation.

But I also like to say we need to bring more of that in because it’s nearly all that when we’re first together. Because we have days of anticipation. We’re preparing ourselves. At the start of a relationship, it’s nearly all that.

And my 7th flavor is the intellectual, which is connecting through the mind, having that conversation. So when you think about it, when we’re first together, there are masses of that energetic, mystical. This is followed by an intense session of the intellectual where we’re talking and conversing. And there might be quite a lot of sensual content there as well. We might be dancing or something. “Let’s kiss.”

It’s physical because we can’t wait to rip our clothes off. But that’s not because we’re spontaneously being physical. There are hours and days of other types of flavor that have actually got us in the place to be able to just rip our clothes off. But too many people forget that, or they don’t even realize that’s what they’ve been doing. And they think that we should somehow just automatically be able to bang. Just get it on.

When you’ve purified the negative energies, then you can just enjoy and connect. Sex should be playtime for grown-ups.

So, very often, we might need to get there through one of the other flavors if we want to do something very intense and physical. So I don’t really use the flavors of, “Well, I’m this and you’re that.” Most people will say yes to most of them. Like, there might be some people don’t have much of it. But it’s the same with the love languages. I do the same thing with the love languages. It’s not, “I’m this, and you’re that.” Because then people weaponize each other.

Yes. Every self-development bumper sticker can be used to weaponize each other. Being with a partner where we’re both spiritually evolved and really, really like, going to all those workshops and knowing a lot of things. We know a lot of bumper stickers and quotes, and sometimes, we use them to weaponize each other, for sure.

Even with the love language, he’s like, “Well, gifts are your love language.” I’m like, “No, I’m also this and this and this. You can’t put me in the corner, baby. Nobody puts a baby in the corner.”

But really, what it comes down to is understanding your sense of these differences. We’re talking about the sex flavors or the love language. But, like, for instance, you know, the wicked thing. I quite like a little bit of that sort of wicked, on-the-edge kind of play, but I’m not going to start there. It’s not like, “Hey, let’s do some BDSM.”

It’s got to be something that you feel really connected. My entree for a lot of things is sensual. We go through the sensual. I can sometimes go to other places, but what we start with is the intellectual. But quite often, I can do intellectually straight to physical.

Yeah, and sometimes, if we are locked in an identity, we’re really missing out. If we think we’re only this and not that, we’re missing out. It’s like not embracing your shadow. When you walk through life and don’t embrace your shadow, your. Your quote, unquote bad qualities, you go, and you’ll never be completely fulfilled, or you will never know yourself. But if you channel those shadow parts in a positive way, with a positive partner, in a positive environment, then you transmute the shadow into the light, work with both, and get strong in both, and it’s beautiful.

There’s something really beautiful about being witnessed and held by someone who has absolutely no judgment.

And then you can kind of play with some of those elements that might have been your shadow in the past, but now they’re just like, “Let’s just play this. Let’s just be creative and ultimately, like, nothing’s wrong.” It’s just, where’s it coming from? And when it comes from a sort of clean place, I don’t want to sound judgmental about that. When you’ve purified the negative energies, you know, cleared the shadow, then you can just play with stuff, and it’s just enjoyment and connection. Sex should be playtime for grown-ups. It’s just a nice place where we can let go a bit or a lot.

I think the killer of pleasure is judgment.

We have to look at our own judgment of ourselves, which is what shame is. Shame is judging ourselves and finding ourselves wrong. Guilt is also a judgment on ourselves that we’re not being good enough or doing something right.

How do you help people get out of shame or low self-esteem or low not loving their bodies or carrying a destructive belief from childhood or a life event?

What we do is we bring it out into the light. We actually look at it, and then we hold it with love. Generally, it comes from a younger version of ourselves who didn’t know any better, didn’t know what to do with it. So I do a lot of normalizing. That’s normal. If you had that experience or if those were the messages you got, of course, that you feel this way, that’s really normal.

There’s nothing wrong with you that you feel that way. It’s absolutely normal. So let’s look at it like, “Where did that come from, and how do you feel about that now? What’s a more positive frame around it?” Really start looking at what is right for you now at this phase in your life. And then you can often send back messages to your younger self and go, “It’s okay. That was tough. No wonder you felt like that.”

But now I’m all grown up. The world’s good, the world’s safe. You’re allowed to do that. You’re not a slut or a prude or whatever the thing you were called. All that awful thing that happened to you. Yeah, that was really awful—no wonder you feel scared and set up these protective mechanisms.

He sounds so loving when you’re saying that. I really felt it in my heart. Really beautiful. Thank you.

And there’s something beautiful about being witnessed and held by someone who has absolutely no judgment or is pretty and has a beautiful understanding of these things. It creates a safe space, and you often can’t do that alone. You can’t always do that with a partner. So it’s really good to find someone trained and experienced in doing that sort of thing because then, the healing is coming. There’s also a relationship between you and your therapist, your coach, or whomever you’re working with. That also helps.

Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

There is a concept of sexual transmutation. I read about it in Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill, where he talks about how the most powerful people in the world use sexual energy and channel it to be successful in business or any leadership role. What’s your take on it?

Yes, I’m into that as well, in a way. Not necessarily for business, but just for life. Some of the more ancient traditions, like tantra and Taoism and stuff like that, understood it. They said that our sexual energy is our life force. Sex creates life. Sex is procreative. It is for creation, the creation of our own life, not just offspring. And so when we’re in touch with that, it’s a life force, a vital energy, a creative energy. So when we allow that to flow through our body, it flows upwards.

Now, what I’m interested in is not so much about business, but it’s about sharing it with your heart, and then it potentizes your love. So whether it’s between a couple or just how you are in the world in general, it’s like I’ve got this wellspring of sexual energy that flows through my body that’s creating my life, and it’s constantly there. But too many people are cut off from it, blockages, because we’ve got these negative emotions also, especially in stressful times.

I feel like that takes me out of my sexuality, out of my body, because I go into my mind and don’t want to define myself as empathetic. But I am very empathic. It’s not everything that I am. And I can also be not empathic. But usually, if I don’t focus on it, I can’t feel everything, including everybody and the collective, all at once. So what do you do to move that and be? You can channel your sexual energy, and I’m sorry I cut you off. I do want to listen. And to what the rest of what you just said.

We’re having a great conversation. So it’s about being able to focus internally to become embodied. We do that a lot through breathing and visualization and by being able to move our focus of awareness to different parts of our body. We’re pretty well conditioned to focus in our heads. When we’re doing that, particularly if we’re stressed and start worrying like, “Oh, my God, oh, my God.” We’re conditioned to go into our heads. Our heads are supposed to solve it all. But we now know scientifically that we’re not a brain ruling over a body.

The whole of our nervous system is interconnected, and that affects our endocrine system, which is hugely interconnected. And in fact, our brain works better when it’s paying attention to what’s going on in our body. And we get something like 80% of the data is bottom up. So, our brain needs that information. So when we’re feeling, particularly in our heads or a bit disconnected from ourselves, that is the time to practice those embodiment practices, mindful embodiment, so that we can go, “Oh, sinking into here. “

Come back to your body.

Yeah. And get into your body. Like even putting your hand on your heart or your gut.

Just like, are your feet on the ground?

Yeah. Breathing consciously so that you’re bringing your breath deeper into your body and consciously relaxing your nervous system. We can do all of this.

Yeah. It’s very easy to get out of our bodies into our thinking minds and our fears. Whatever is out there that does. Even thoughts that are not don’t belong to us and just bring it in. It’s a way of life to go back to yourself. Go back to yourself, goodbye. Because the answers are never out there. They’re always inside. I find myself sometimes looking at Google for hours, and I’m like, “Just sit with yourself and do some writing. The answers will just go up.”

We have to pay attention to this. Notice what we’re feeling, notice when we’re losing attention. Consciously bring ourselves back or give ourselves permission. You want to scroll Facebook for an hour, and if that’s what you genuinely want to do, that’s all right. Don’t shame yourself either if you want to just relax and chill out. But what’s really important is that we’re consciously aware of how we are actually being in this moment and what we want. What do I need to do to shift myself into a state that enables what I want?

But actually, that’s what I love about the couple stuff. Because when you have a positive relationship with your partner and a positive connection, you can help each other manage your internal state. If you know that your partner does this when they get stressed, you can reach out, “Hey, sweetheart, relax. It’s okay.” *little kiss* It’s called co-regulation. We’re helping each other regularly.

I did it yesterday with my husband. He returned home after a very long and stressful international flight, and he couldn’t find his shaver, which really stressed him out. And I’m like, “Hey, stop. Come here. I made you soup. Eat.” He ate the soup. He relaxed a little bit. A minute later, it was just there on the table.

Yeah, exactly. Beautiful example.

it’s just lovely talking to you, and I can talk to you for so much longer. I want to be respectful of your time before we say goodbye. For now, I have two questions for you. What are your three top tips for living a stellar life? Where can people find you?

One of them is actually really learning to become embodied, to learn how to manage yourself and your internal state, and then to learn how to connect with your partner and to really focus on that part of your intimate life together. Rather than what we’re going to do in the bedroom, how do we connect? Like how do we get there? But also to start practicing being very comfortable about talking about what the what in the bedroom or outside the bedroom might be and really just treating it as this beautiful part of life that we love to talk about and to understand each other and to continuously be able to create a really positive love life together.

There you go. In terms of how people can find me, well, everyone’s on Instagram these days, aren’t they?I’m really focusing on Instagram these days, so I’d love you to join me there. Otherwise, my website is jacquelinehellyer.com, and there’s heaps of stuff from private sessions, retreats in Australia and Bali, online courses, a blog that’s got 360 plus articles, and they’ve all been podcasted as well. So, lots of videos and stuff.

I’m now in a phase of creating more online content because my phase for me is about getting the message out more, 20 years and 10,000 hours of client contact and thousands of hours of retreats and workshops. There’s a lot of information there, and I just really want to get it out to the world because I think the world needs it.

For sure.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to get the message out to your beautiful listeners.

Thank you for a wonderful conversation. Open, vulnerable, and genuine. Loved it. Thank you. And thank you, listeners. Remember to learn how to become embodied. Find how to connect with your partner and talk about your desires. Talk about your feelings, and create a beautiful connection and have a stellar life. This is Orion till next time.

Your Checklist of Actions to Take

{✓}Accept and celebrate diversity. Understanding that everyone has different sexual preferences and needs is crucial and deepens connection and intimacy.

{✓}Discuss your desires and feelings openly with your partner. Honest communication fosters trust and intimacy.

{✓}Respect each other’s boundaries and negotiate with compassion. Find creative solutions that make both partners feel comfortable and respected.

{✓}Stay present and connected to your body during intimate moments. Mindful awareness enhances your experience and deepens emotional bonds.

{✓}Consider using words like “envelopment” instead of “penetration.” Changing your vocabulary can create a more inviting and mutual experience.

{✓}Channel your sexual energy into creativity and vitality. Use it as a life force beyond just physical sexual activity.

{✓}Focus on internal awareness through breath, visualization, and mindfulness. Integrate your mind and body to enhance overall well-being.

{✓}Support your partner in managing internal states. Helping each other relax strengthens emotional and physical connections.

{✓}Educate yourself and others about the impact of media on sexual expectations. Strive for a realistic and healthy view of sexuality.

{✓}Incorporate tenderness into your daily interactions. Small acts of affection can nourish your relationship and keep intimacy alive.

Connect with Jacqueline Hellyer through her website, jacquelinehellyer.com, and on her Instagram, @jacqueline.hellyer, to transform your sexuality and relationship.

Links and Resources

Connect with Jacqueline Hellyer

About Jacqueline Hellyer

Jacqueline Hellyer is the founder of the LoveLife Clinic and a total Sex Geek! She is unabashedly fascinated by sex, love and intimacy in all its aspects, from the biological to the psychological to the spiritual. She believes sex is a celebration of life, and our sexual energy is our fundamental life energy.

Her knowledge and experience, from the scientific to the esoteric, is as broad as it gets, and she shares it in an incredibly open and inspiring way. With 20 years and thousands of hours of experience, she has created an exceptional career working with couples and individuals clinically and in workshops and retreats, as well as through online courses, books, blogs, podcasts, videos, social and traditional media, to help people understand the importance of an integrated and
healthy sexuality.

Jacqueline is highly qualified, including a Master of Science in Sexology and a Master of Science in Psychology. She takes a psychobiological, somatic and transpersonal approach to working with clients on all issues to do with sex, love and intimacy. Her aim is to help people become fully in touch with their sexuality and to use this powerful, positive energy to create extraordinary lives. She brings a spiritual depth to the art and science of sex.