Episode 120 | June 12, 2018

Sexual Therapy with Kongit Farrell


A Personal Note from Orion

This topic can feel awkward and uncomfortable.

It’s taboo…

Shhhhh…. We are talking about sex!

Sex is not all that serious all the time. It can be  funny, weird and surprising… The most important thing is to maintain healthy communication with your partner and have a good time.

Sometimes admitting your fantasies may seem scary, or even feel like you are committing some sort of moral transgression. But in today’s episode, we put shame and guilt aside because you deserve to have a spectacular sex life!

Kongit Farrell is a licensed marriage, family, and sex therapist who specializes in helping people achieve lasting love and the great sex they deserve. We talked about how you can have more fun, have better orgasms, and create a better connection with your partner.

About Today’s Show

‏‏Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that maybe. Let’s talk about sex. Yes, today we’re going to talk about sex. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. We’re going to talk about taboos. We’re going to open up this whole topic that sometimes people are shy of talking about. When it comes to couples, things are not always smooth. Sometimes, people have problems with their own sexuality. Sometimes, they have problems with mismatching with their partner’s sexuality, so how do we bridge this? How do we heal this? How do we have more fun, get better orgasms, get better connection, and all that good stuff? I’m going to talk about all of that today with a very special lady. Her name is Kongit Farrell. She’s a licensed marriage family and sex therapist who specializes in helping people get their healthy lives, lasting love, and great sex they deserve. Yes, you too deserve great sex. Whether or not you are currently in a relationship, it doesn’t really matter because this is something you need to know. There’s a lot of good information in this episode. At the end of the day, after people are having some drinks, everybody ends up talking about sex. Why? Because this is what everybody loves to talk about, sex, but not everybody shares about the difficulty or the challenges. We’re going to talk about the challenges. We’re going to talk about how to overcome the challenges, so you can have more pleasure in your life. Now, without further ado, on to the show.

‏‏Hello, Kongit and welcome to Stellar Life Podcast.

‏‏Thank you for having me, Orion. I’m so happy to be here today.

‏‏Yeah. I’m excited to be talking to you. We’re going to talk about something that people consider as taboo or they don’t talk about enough, which is sexual therapy.

‏‏I’m so glad that we’re talking about this and you’re exactly right. So many people think sex therapy is taboo. It’s not taboo. It’s very, very normal and it’s something that a lot of people get help with. It can just be so transformational for a relationship that I certainly want to help debunk the tabooness of what sex therapy is, so that more couples can feel good about coming in and getting treatment. If you’re struggling in your relationship with intimacy, you really don’t have struggle anymore. This is not therapy of 1971. There’s solutions for whatever’s going on and sex therapy can help for sure.

There’s solutions for whatever’s going on and sex therapy can help for sure. Click To Tweet

‏‏How did you get into that?

‏‏I started my practice, my goal was trying to help women have the best possible lives and relationships. What kind of came under that umbrella was dating, support with healthy dating, healthy mate selection, learning relationship skills, couples counseling, and then sex therapy. All of these come under the same umbrella. I just kind of started with the dating and then it just went into ‘oh well,’ then I need to focus on helping them build deeper relationships skills. I do trauma therapy too because that comes up. A lot of women were coming to me and saying, “I’m at a great place in my life. I am healthy, but for some reason, every time I go to be intimate with my partner, my vagina just clamps up. I don’t know what to do about this. I want to be intimate and I’m scared.” Some like, “Okay, well what’s going on here.” That kind of introduced sex therapy into the work. Different complaints that women were having just led me into the arena to see, “Okay, so what’s happening? Is this vaginismus? There’s treatments for that.” It was the natural evolution.

‏‏What are the most common complaints women share with you?

‏‏I would say vaginismus is one. That’s the one I just mentioned where the vaginal muscles are so tight that she’s not able to be penetrated at all. With vaginismus, the treatment is a combination of working with a physical therapist and going through sex therapy, which is basically psychotherapy, but the focus is on sex where we look at are there any psychological things that might be contributing to this, whether sexual traumas in your past, are there any psychological things that are contributing to this? Sometimes there are, sometimes there aren’t. But that’s what we’re looking at. I’d say, vaginismus. I’d say dyspareunia, and that’s painful intercourse for women. It can be caused by a number of things. There could be nerve damage, there could be damage with the pelvic floor that makes intercourse painful every single time. It could be psychological elements to it as well, but that’s another big one. Difficulty achieving orgasm, that’s another big one. Some women are not able to get excited at all. Some women are able to get excited, but can’t quite get to the orgasm. Any kind of challenges along the whole entire sexual response cycle, I deal with a lot. Also sexless relationships or sexless marriage is a big one. Mismatched sexual desire where either the woman wants it more than the man or the man wants it more than the woman, and then sometimes sexual orientation. Sometimes, women are questioning. They’re not quite sure. Are they gay? Are they straight? Are they bisexual? Are they trans? Sometimes, those questions come up and when you’re not quite sure or comfortable with your sexual identity, then it becomes harder to express. I say those are the major ones.

‏‏There’s so much to what you just said like each one of them is a whole world, it’s a whole topic. But before we dive in, what does it look like for a couple? When do the couple decide that they need sexual therapy and what does it look like?

‏‏I wish as soon as a couple is starting to feel dissatisfaction in their sex life, they would come to see me. But that’s not usually when it happens. It usually happens when someone is at the breaking point. Unfortunately, it happens when one of the partners is so frustrated that they just say, “We need to do this or we need to reevaluate the relationship.” That’s usually what brings them to my office. What treatment looks like is for the first session, we sit down for 90 minutes. I take a full, comprehensive assessment of both people. I look at medical history. I look at psychological history, just getting a sense of their background and relationship and all those different variables that I need to be aware of. Then I have each person in a couple talk about their point of view on what’s going on, and again both partners, how they’d like the relationship to look moving forward. That’s the starting point.

‏‏Sex therapy is not like going to a sexologist where it’s hands-on and it’s more physical. It’s just more like talk therapy.

‏‏That’s right, yeah. Sex therapy isn’t the same thing as working with a surrogate or a sex coach. We’re not allowed to touch in any kind of sexual way. If a client wants to give us a hug, we can give a hug or something like that. But clothing stays on. In sex therapy, there’s no sex whatsoever. It is mostly just therapy and education, information, providing resources, providing referrals.

‏‏Do you agree that the majority of sexual pleasure is in the mind?

‏‏Well…

‏‏I don’t know. I really don’t know.

‏‏I think it’s a combination. I think it’s in the mind and in the body. I think that sometimes, females need a little bit more mental stimulation than males, but not always. I think men can enjoy physical stimulation without as much mental stimulation than women, but not always. But it’s certainly a combination of the two. I mean, what’s the point of having a mental sex if there’s no sort of physical experience? So I think they’re connected.

Men can enjoy physical stimulation without as much mental stimulation than women, but not always.

‏‏The way people at night desire in the physical act is sometimes through the mind. But I had a sexologist on the show. Her name is Jaya. It’s Episode Number 3, actually. One of my first episodes here at Stellar Life. I took Jaya’s mastermind. My fiance and I took a yearlong mastermind. We learned a lot. I went into the mastermind thinking I’m really good and I know everything and I don’t really know where we’re going. I’m so good, but I learned a lot.

‏‏What you learn? What did you learn?

‏‏Oh my God. One of the things that I spoke with her was actually something that I think for us, was a bit challenging. Jaya has something that she calls sexual blueprints. She said that everyone has different sexual blueprints, one or two are dominant, and usually opposites attract. I will have a certain blueprint and will attract somebody with the opposite blueprint. Every blueprint need a different approach to sex. That’s why sometimes it can get challenging. The way she divides sexual blueprints is sexual, sensual, kinky, energetic, and shapeshifter. The sexual one is the one that just want more like what you think of a typical male. It doesn’t really care what’s going on, let’s just go for it, intercourse, I don’t need for foreplay, I just need to get it in. Women, too, they have more of a sexual blueprint, but it’s more of men have sexual blueprint. Then there’s the energetic. The energetic type can get turned on from far away. When he or she sees you, they are more turned on from far away, from doing flirtation far away and playing with the energy field, having more of a tantra style sex where it’s very much in the energetic and the other layers of our aura, and more than that. They go to the physical through that. Then there’s the kinky, which is the BDSM, the ones that are more either psychological kink or physical kink. The physical kink really needs strong sensation like pain, or in the mind. The other type of kinky needs more of let’s say, insults or mind games, role plays, all that. Then there is the sensual. The sensual needs a lot of foreplay, a lot of touch and sense. The atmosphere needs to be right. Every blueprint has the light side and the shadow side of it. For example, the energetic can be really nice and from far away and spiritual, but also getting into the ego side where they will look at a kinky person as something that is below them. They all have different approaches to sex. When you have somebody that, let’s say, their prime is energetic that meets somebody who is sexual, and sexual want it right here, right now, let’s go, and the energetic is like, “What are you doing? I’m overstimulated, this is crazy. Go away.” I guess, sensual and kinky are a little closer, but let’s say kinky and sexual where the kink meets the mind game and the sexual just want to get it over with. It’s fine, so she actually took us through exercises that layered it and showed in order to get to the sexual act, you want to play with your partner and their blueprint, and you want to learn and accept their blueprint. It was huge for me. That opened a lot of space in my mind and I just loved it.

‏‏Yeah, of course. In sex therapy, what she so beautifully presented as blueprint, we categorize it under mismatched sexual desire. But isn’t it wonderful when you learn that there’s so much more to sex? That people have blueprints and the other thing that we call them are sexual templates. If yours is this way and your partner’s is that way, of course it’s going to create a conflict. But what couples will do is, they won’t even have the words. They won’t even have the sexual literacy to say, “Oh, we have different blueprints,” or, “we have different templates.” What they’ll do is just say, “Oh, we’re not compatible.” They’ll leave the relationship and the sex therapist kind of say, “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.”

‏‏“Stop!”

‏‏Yeah, exactly. Is it that you’re incompatible? Or you just don’t have a certain level of sexual literacy to understand, Orion, what you so elegantly explained as, you just have a difference in erotic blueprints or erotic templates. All you have to do is learn the other person’s template and be willing to accommodate.

‏‏Those blueprints, it’s not set in stone. You can be something and then develop another aspect of yourself, there are so many things, and lots of those desires overlap. You can start playing with the the common ground, and like you said, it’s about communication. If you learn and you know, and you communicate and you voice your desires, you might be surprised to know that your partner might have the same desires or when you play in those desires, you might find yourself actually enjoying it.

‏‏A lot of people are more versatile than maybe they originally think, especially when they start getting more literacy and education, and they say, “Oh, is that it? It’s just that you have a sensual blueprint? Okay, let me try to explore how that would work for you, but let me try it on myself. Maybe I like it too.” But if people aren’t aware, and I say this word again and again because it’s so important, I believe; if people aren’t aware or literate about the different blueprints, how will they discover for themselves what they like? Now, at least we’re giving people concepts and defining things so that people can say, “Oh, wait a minute. That’s the issue? We’re just a little misaligned? Okay, we can get through that. No problem. Maybe, I’ll like this and maybe you’ll like that.” It saves the relationship. I can’t tell you how many times just a little bit of information like that has saved a relationship.

If people aren’t aware or literate about the different blueprints, how will they discover for themselves what they like? Click To Tweet

‏‏Why don’t you share with me a story of something like that, save the relationship.

‏‏Oh gosh.

‏‏Where would I begin?

‏‏Yes, where would I begin? I don’t use the terms that you’ve used, but I will try to because I think that those blueprint terms are really great. Jaya’s terms are really great. I had a couple where I’m pretty sure one was sensual and the other was ‘get down to business.’ One of the things I’d like to look at with couples is environmental curation. Curating the designated sensual environment in a way that supports healthy sex. I was asking about what is the bedroom like? What is the environment. Apparently, there’s work stuff in the bedroom.

‏‏That’s terrible for a sensual.

‏‏Terrible for a sensual. Horrible. It’s great for the ‘get down to business’ guy.

‏‏This is like, there’s the bed, there’s the body, and I’m ready.

‏‏Yes! That’s it! This was the problem and he was like, “I don’t see anything wrong with the bedroom. I like the mattress. It’s fine,” and she’s like, “I hate being in the bedroom.” Can you imagine?

‏‏Yes, I can imagine.

‏‏Yes! Part of our work together was like, “Okay, so now how can we create, how can we curate your sensual environment to be something that’s inviting for both of you?” What we discovered is, for the guy who’s down to business, he didn’t really care if the bedroom was sensual. It didn’t matter to him if there was sensual or not. But for the woman, it was so important that the bedroom was sensual. Basically, he said, “Well, why don’t you kind of take over and curate the bedroom how you’d like it to be, and that will be fine.” If she said, “Get all of your business stuff out of the bedroom, no work stuff,” she curated the bedroom in a way that was working for her. She actually went in and got a signature scent, changed the sheets, and did this whole thing. Now they’re both happy.

‏‏But also with a sensual, that’s amazing how something like that can change it. I know a lot about the sensual. One of mine is sensual, and for a sensual, if the song is annoying, If there’s bright light, no, I want soft red light. I think every woman look just like a goddess under red light and I just feel like I’m more desirable, and it’s the senses, it needs to smell good, it needs to sound good, and it needs to feel good. There are touches that I like and touches that I don’t like. Sometimes, I like it harder and sometimes I like it softer. Sometimes, I’m so much in my sensual, I am a very sensual person and because I coach women also about how to develop their own sensuality, I am very in tune with mine and I did a lot of work on myself to get in tune with my sexuality and how my body feels and where she is. I can have a lot of pleasure and sometimes I do need things to be just right. It’s something that we had, as a couple and we had to work on as well.

‏‏Yes, but the thing is, I love what you said too, Orion. You had to make a conscious choice at some point, that you are going to focus on this aspect of yourself, do the work so that you can enhance your sexual experience. Is that right? You didn’t just fall into it, correct?

You had to make a conscious choice at some point, that you are going to focus on this aspect of yourself, do the work so that you can enhance your sexual experience.

‏‏For me, I wasn’t thinking about doing that to enhance my sexual experience. The first reason why I wanted to do that is just  to discover my feminine self and who I am as a woman, and that led to who am I as a woman. I am ease, I am flow, I am in tune with pleasure, I am in tune with nature, I am a goddess, I am of the earth. Everything that I am as a woman led me to understand how I can claim myself and my pleasure as a woman.

‏‏Okay, so for you it was the intention of discovering more about femaleness, and that led into it. But, to the same point, there was a choice that you made to become intentional about this particular domain of life. Is that right?

‏‏Yes.

‏‏Okay. This is what I want hopefully all of your listeners to be dialed into. If you want to have a more in-depth, rich experience about understanding yourself or your femininity or your relationship, it has to start with an intention and I think a little bit of humility to say, “You know what? I do know things about being a female but I also know that there are things that I don’t know, and I would like to learn.”

‏‏Love it.

‏‏Right? And with that kind of a mindset, it can just open up these doors to just such a more wonderful—

‏‏Juicy.

‏‏Deeper, juicy experience.

‏‏Yeah. That’s beautiful. How do you help your ladies connect to that place?

‏‏I give women a lot of praise for when they actually take the step to come see me. It’s a big deal. It’s a big deal to come to the place within yourself to say, “You know what? I really need this area of my life to be more fulfilling. I need to understand it in a different way and then to actually have the courage to take the step in that direction. As soon as the women come in, I honor that. My office is very mindfully curated. It has a signature smell, I have really high-end, quality refreshments. I want women to feel as comfortable as possible because I’m thinking you’ve taken the step, you might be a little nervous, you might feel a little vulnerable, I want you to feel safe and honored.

‏‏When you talk about something so intimate and vulnerable, you want to feel held and environment is so important. If you sit in a cold office or if you sit in this environment that is loving, inviting, then people can open up more especially when it comes to something so delicate as intimate desires.

‏‏It is very delicate. It is very personal. I’m extremely mindful about that. My style is very encouraging. I don’t believe that there are bad questions. I provide as much information as I can, and if I don’t know something, I’ll say, “I don’t know this, but I will look into it and I will get back to you. That’s kind of how I approach it with women. I try to normalize also sensitivities in sexual areas because the truth is, most people are struggling with one thing or another. Even though people don’t like to talk about it, I know from being a therapist that most people are struggling with something. I try to let my clients know that, that they’re not alone, that this is very common, to again help them feel more relaxed and comfortable as we start the process of learning and exploring.

‏‏In Cuba, the women feel very desirable and it doesn’t matter if they’re young or they’re old or if they’re overweight, or underweight. It doesn’t matter. The Cuban women, the way they are raised, they are raised to know and embrace their body, flirtation, and the whole play. They are never wrong for the way they look because there are no advertisements in Cuba. There is no perfect “body image.” They’ve been isolated so much that, that purity of “you are beautiful because of who you are,” and it’s about your inner beauty, your body is beautiful like all shapes are beautiful, all types of bodies are beautiful, and you’re beautiful just because you are. Women feel it because they have nothing to compare themselves to. Also with couples, sometimes there is the illusion that people get from watching other couples on Facebook or are in romantic comedies, where like, “Aww, that’s the way the world is.” Nothing is too harsh in a romantic comedy and everything works out at the end. They don’t really go deep into really what’s going on. This is the way life is. Also on Facebook, on Instagram, any social media, most people don’t air their dirty laundry, so people end up feeling alone.

‏‏That’s so true and I think this is one of the great gifts of being a therapist or a psychologist in working in the capacity is that we see a side of life that most people don’t see. We see the not manicured, we see the reality of people’s lives.

‏‏What’s the reality? What do you see when you work with couples? What do you see? Let’s just put it out there.

‏‏The reality of people’s lives is, no matter the socio-economic status, no matter how much money people have, what their careers are, what things look like on the outside, everybody is struggling with something. Everybody. As a therapist, I know how this impacted me. It helped me personally let go of some of this tyranny of perfectionism. On the outside, we are just like, “Oh my God, they’re just this and they’re all together, they come in, they have a seat,” and then you realize, “Oh, they’re just like this other person who has a 9-5 job.” Celebrities and things like this, they come on the couch, have the same problems as people who are not celebrities. Everybody has problems, so this whole idea of the manicured life is just a show and it’s a nice show. You can look at the show and think that’s how nice. But I think it’s important for you to realize that’s a show. It’s not life. It’s not real life. It’s a show. I think as long as you can remember that it’s a show, I think you’ll be okay. You’re not holding yourself to an impossible standard because the reality of it is, it doesn’t really exist. Anytime two humans come together, there’s going to be communication difficulty because you’re two different humans. Even that couple that are running on the beach hand-in-hand on Facebook or Instagram or whatever, even if they have a great relationship, a great relationship doesn’t mean it doesn’t have conflict. That’s what I have learned about the reality of people and relationships. There’s really no need to be envious. There’s really no need to covet other people’s lives because no one’s life is perfect. No one’s relationship is perfect. They aren’t. They can be very, very good and very satisfying, but perfect? No.

Everybody has problems, so this whole idea of the manicured life is just a show and it’s a nice show. Click To Tweet

‏‏Yes, I totally agree.

‏‏I was going to say something, too, about that you mentioned about the women in Cuba, which I want to add two things to this. First of all, if a man has approached you, pursues you, wants to be in a relationship with you, and he likes how you look as is, you don’t have to worry about whether your man likes how you look. If he’s with you, he likes it. So just relax. Relax. As the women in Cuba know, there is someone for everyone. There are men who like all kinds of shapes and sizes. You don’t have to feel unsexual or disconnected from your sexuality or hide your sexuality because you feel your body doesn’t measure up to a certain standard. Own your body, own your sensuality and you will attract someone who’s into it. It’s a big world. Lot of men. Lot of women.

‏‏When Amy Schumer posted her nude photo, she got lots of criticisms and then she had a fan send in her a photo of Venus, the Greek goddess, and they have the same body. But it’s impossible. It’s just impossible to meet society’s standards because there are none and every few years it’s a different standard. In those days, it was skin and bones. That was it. Now, I don’t know, the Kardashian body is it. In five more years, it’s going to be different again. It’s impossible to try to be that ideal standard of beauty.

‏‏It changes. That’s why like what I saying, certain things are a show. You can enjoy the show, but don’t let it stress you out and get to the point where you’re hating yourself and hating your body. Those things change. Accept and find joy in your body as it is, or if you’d like to make changes to it, that’s fine as well. Women have that as their prerogative. The thing that scares me the most is women get punitive, like “I’m so ugly. I’m so fat. I’m so…” There’s going to be someone who loves you as you are.

‏‏What do you think about women more in their 60s or 70s. They’re not young anymore and when a woman gets older, she gets way more insecure. How would you approach a woman like that who says, “Well, when I was your age, I didn’t feel like that, but wait till you’re my age and you’ll understand then.”

‏‏I think there’s reality to how sexuality changes over the years. As human animals, there is a time in our life where it’s really about fertility and childbearing, if you choose to do it where the body is really set up for those kind of things. Then there’s a stage in life where the body is no longer really set up for that, and  it’s okay. It’s okay that after menopause, your body changes. It’s a different stage of life. Rather than wishing you were somewhere that you weren’t, I try to encourage clients to embrace where they are. You are not 25, you are 55. Let’s look at the wonderful things that are there about being 55, right?

‏‏But I also believe that 55 or 60 or 70, because I’ve seen it for myself, women can embrace and feel super sensual.

‏‏Sure.

‏‏You’re 55 or 60 or 70. You’re 80, you’re 90, you’re 100. You can still feel like a goddess.

‏‏You don’t have to not be sensual at that age. Actually, a lot of women say that after menopause, in their 50s and 60s, they have some of the best sex ever because they don’t care. They don’t care. They will do what they just want to do and they will do what feels right. They’re not worried about what people will think. It’s really just about making sure they have pleasure and making sure that they experience what they want to experience. Some women see it as a real golden age in their sexuality.

‏‏Did you meet many of them?

‏‏I’ve met some older clients who certainly feel that way and are having really fabulous sex at 55. They explained it to me kind of like how, I explained it to you. Their issues aren’t around like fear. It’s not so much a psychological element. Often times what I see, I see it’s more like the physical elements like vaginal dryness or erectile dysfunction. But not the psychological part. They’re not saying, “Oh, I’m so this, I’m so that.” They’re like, “Look, I’ve got some dryness. What do we need to do?”

‏‏I don’t see 55 as old. I, myself am expecting to live to 180, in perfect heath. I want to shift the conversation a little bit. You talked about dryness and the physical part. One thing that I did and I interviewed Dr. Amy Killen here, who was my doctor, I did a stem-cell surgery. I’m very into bio-hacking, advanced, cutting-edge, medical procedures and technologies, body hacks, mind hacks, brain hacks. I love this whole world. One thing that I did with Dr. Harry Adelson who was on the show, who is a stem cell doctor and Dr. Amy Killen was in the procedure as well. What Dr. Harry did when I was doing the surgery I was under and they were harvesting stem cells from my bone marrow and from my adipose tissue, mixing it and injecting it to all different places in my body. I did it so I can harvest my stem cell and use my young stem cells when I’m older and if I need it. I also did it because I had a neck and shoulder injury because of a fall a year prior and one of the things that Amy did for me was, she did a facial with platelet-rich plasma mixed with stem cells and I also got the O shot. Have you heard of it?

‏‏No, I haven’t.

‏‏The O shot, what people do is they take your blood, platelet-rich plasma and then they inject it in, I think eight different points inside the vagina. What it does is, it recovers the whole area. Stem cells become whatever they need to become. They can become cartilage, they can become whatever. This is really good. I did it just because I’m a biohacker and I’m crazy-curious to see what it will do for me. I have zero problem there, everything is good. But I do have to admit that I do feel more sensation than before, which is quite pleasant. I never had a problem with orgasm and I love sex and all that. But I feel more sensation there. They say it’s really great for dryness, it’s really great for people after they give birth and they have cough, sneeze, or laugh and it’s dripping on the other side. It’s good for sexual pleasure. There’s the O shot and my husband got the P shot. O is for the women, for orgasm and P is for penis, for the guys. The P shot is also to increase and strengthen the area. She said it might help enlarge the penis, I don’t know but she sent us home with me with this crazy vibrator with electric pulses and him with a penis pump. It was pretty cool. This is something that maybe some of the listeners want to consider doing if somebody has a major struggle. They can try to do the O shot or the P shot. I’m not sure if Dr. Amy’s podcast episode is aired while this one is, but just look for it, Dr. Amy Killen and Dr. Harry Adelson. Both are about stem cells. Harry Adelson is about stem cells procedures and Dr. Amy is about the O shot, P shot, and all kinds of advanced technologies to improve your youth, your skin, your sex drive, and all those things.

‏‏I just want to reiterate something with this, too. At the top of the show, I was saying that this isn’t therapy of 1971. There are solutions to almost anything now that a person can be struggling with sexually, whereas I personally can’t speak to the medical advances, I know that they’re there. I happily refer clients to reputable medical sources to help them get over whatever it is that they’re struggling with sexually, be it like from dryness, performance, or whatever it is. The point is there’s so many solutions today that there’s really no need to suffer. Suffer in silence, there’s no need to do that.

‏‏How can people voice their desires more?

‏‏I think the best kind of way to get started on it is just kind of like how you got started on your journey, kind of making it an intentional choice by saying, “Sexuality and my sexuality matters, and this is something I want to explore. This dimension in my life, how to be stronger in my life. I want to be more comfortable in this area of my life,” because it’s so enriching. When you have an enriching sex life or enriching sexual experience, however you define it, it really brings such
{:?. It’s really one of the nicer things about life and I think that you get more comfortable voicing your desires when first of all, you’re comfortable, you know what your desires are, and you’re okay with them. You realize there’s nothing wrong with you. Your desires are your desires. Once you start building that confidence and that knowledge, it becomes much easier to say, “You know, I’m an erotic blueprint, I’m in a kink blueprint. It’s just a part of you.”

‏‏Since Fifty Shades of Grey, the movie, people are like, “Oh, kinky is cool.” But there was also this misconception around the message of the movie of people that are kinky have horrible childhood, they’re weirdos, and there was a mixed messaging, and there was no talk about consent.

‏‏Safe, sane, and consensual, right?

‏‏It still seems to me that people are cool with talking about, “Oh, let’s do role-play where I’m the secretary and you’re the boss,” but when people have a deeper BDSM fantasies, like an old man wants to wear a diaper and be a baby, or some people are ashamed they have a foot fetish, or they like electric play, or they like pain, or they like to inflict pain. Those are the type of sexual fantasies or taboos that people feel are still kind of afraid to share with their partners, or they come to share with their partners and their partners just don’t get it, and they even shame them for that.

‏‏I like that you brought that up. I think one of the most important mindsets to have around sexuality is non-punitive. If something is different than what you like, it doesn’t have to be bad. It’s just different. If you don’t like it, by all means don’t do it, but don’t inflict your preference on someone else. As long as what they’re asking is safe, sane, and consensual, they have the right to ask, you have the right to say yes or no. Things are just different. They don’t have to be bad. You might like pizza, I might not like it. It doesn’t mean that pizza is bad. It just means you like it, another person doesn’t like it. At the same time, I think people, whatever their preferences are, whenever you express what your preference is, there is a chance that someone will say, “You know what? I don’t like that,” where your partner will say, “You know what? I don’t like that,” and that’s okay. It’s okay, your partner doesn’t have to like everything that you like. You both can come from a place of non-judgment, and come to an agreement, “Okay, you’re really into this? I’m really into this.” There’s not compatibility in this way, we’re not flexible, so maybe we’re going to go our own ways, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or I’m going to be punitive towards you. Please, let’s not do that. Let’s just say “Different and that’s okay.”

‏‏Different is not bad. Different is different, and it’s wrong to shame somebody for their desires, it’s wrong to put them down, it’s also wrong to force your desires upon somebody else. It’s like in life, live and let live. If somebody wants to be vegan, that’s cool. Somebody wants to eat meat, that’s cool. We all have different values. We live our life to a different set of values, and we have to deal with each other with love, respect, and kindness, especially because this is the person you maybe chose to spend your life with and you can damage them. If you shame them, you can damage them. You can get them to close up and maybe shut a part of themselves. If you force yourself on them, you can create the same effect. So whoever you are listening, be very mindful with their partner and with their desire. Love them, hold them, and try to use gentle communication to get to a place of fun, play, and orgasm rather than taking this beautiful thing and just stepping all over it. You can communicate in a proactive way or you can communicate in a way that completely destroys the chemistry, the relationship, and that’s such a shame and so unneeded.

‏‏I so agree with that especially because if you realize, someone sharing their fantasy with you is incredibly intimate. It means that they trust you in a really kind of personal, intimate way. You don’t want to treat that like it’s nothing, even if you don’t agree. Just stay in a place of compassion and appreciation that another human being thinks enough of you to share something so personal. Just receive it in kindness. None of the shaming business here. Receive it in kindness, right?

‏‏Yes. What are some advice you have on igniting the passion in a relationship?

‏‏I think a lot of these things that we talked about today are really interconnected. Again, if you’re in a relationship with someone, that means something. You’re their lover for whatever period of time this is, you’re in this relationship, so I think part of really igniting the passion is listening, being attentive, and being present. We are partners at this time, and let’s try to get in here together and make this the best possible experience that we can. It’s active listening, non-judgment, I think the spirit of teamwork and optimism can go a long way in laying the foundation and making sure that the relationship is comfortable and safe enough so that you can say, “Okay, now let’s have some fun. Let’s create some intimacy. Now that I know you’re not going to judge me, I know you’re going to treat me with kindness, I feel safe, great. Now, let’s have fun.” If you don’t feel safe in a relationship or comfortable, how can you get to the fun part?

‏‏You can’t. You’re closed up.

‏‏You can’t, right?

‏‏What are your three top tips to living a stellar life?

‏‏Live with what? Intentionality. Be intentional about your life. That’s number one, be intentional. When you get a scent for your home, don’t just say, “Well, I’m going to get a flower scent.” No. Are you going to get rose? Are you going to get peony? Are you going to get Mexican sun blossom? Be intentional, be specific, this whole idea of curating your life. I think that makes things stellar. I think compassion, living your life with compassion is big because it keeps you from being judgmental but it still allows you space to say, “You know what? I’m compassionate about what’s going on. But it’s not for me and that’s okay. I think it’s really good. I think the other kind of big one for living a stellar life is being ethical. Really being ethical and having integrity with how you treat people. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you say you’re going to be a certain way, be that way. If you’re not ethical, it can erode your relationships and life is all about relationships. Those are my top three.

‏‏That is so amazing and beautiful. I’m sure people would like to talk to you, connect with you more, and know more about you. Where can they find you?

‏‏You can find me across all social media platforms at my name. It’s kongitfarrell.com is my website, @kongitfarrell on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, you can find me online. If you’re in the LA area, my counseling practice is in downtown LA, but I do accept consultations worldwide.

‏‏Beautiful. Thank you so much. This was awesome.

‏‏It’s such a pleasure. Thank you and what a wonderful show, Orion. It’s such a pleasure to be on the show today.

‏‏Thank you.

Your Checklist of Actions to Take

✓ Don’t be ashamed of or hide from your sexuality. You deserve pleasure in whichever way you desire.

✓ Be more open to taking sex therapy especially if you’ve experienced sexual trauma in the past.

✓ Observe your sexual behaviors and responses to determine if you need to change something. You can fix pain during intercourse, difficulty in orgasming, and more.

✓ Communicate openly with your partner. Let them know your likes and dislikes and what turns you on.

✓ Know your partner’s likes and dislikes. Another form of pleasure is giving pleasure back.  

✓ Curate your environment so that it can be an inviting place for sex. You can add some lighting or music but make sure it suits both of your moods for lovemaking.

✓ Reach out for help if you are struggling. There’s always someone who will understand you and help you learn more about your intimate self.

✓ Find things and activities that make you feel beautiful. Achieving pleasure is a combination of stimulating the body and the mind.  

✓ Don’t be envious of couples or women you see on the media. Realize that what the media portrays about sex is far from real life.  

✓ Know your self-worth. If you are in a bad place in your relationship, have the courage to change your situation so that you can make way for positivity in your life.

Links and Resources:

About Kongit Farrell

Kongit is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (CA – 97773) and her therapeutic approach is eclectic, but firmly rooted in CBT, Narrative and Solution-Focused methodologies. She is an EMDR therapist and is completing advanced course work in Sex Therapy at The Buehler Institute of Orange County. Kongit is the Founder of the Inspired Journey Counseling Center in Downtown Los Angeles.

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