In this Episode

• [05:44] – Lisa starts things off by telling us a bit about herself and explaining what her childhood and home life were like. We learn how these experiences led her to feel like she was never good enough.
• [08:30] – How did growing up like this affect Lisa’s life going forward?
• [11:28] – Lisa points out that smart people who have everything going for them are the people who are the hardest on themselves.
• [15:38] – After 13 years of self-abuse, what happened? What was the point when Lisa decided to take control of her life? In her answer, Lisa shares her experiences with Tony Robbins.
• [20:24] – Lisa shares advice for someone listening who needs courage to change their lives. She points out that “ego” can stand for “edging God out.”
• [21:54] – What do you do to get yourself into a state of gratitude?
• [24:51] – Lisa hadn’t found her mission at the point in her life she was discussing, but decided to continue her journey. She mentions some people she has learned from, and shares how her life journey has progressed since then and how this led to her book.
• [29:48] – Lisa talks about the seven secrets to overcoming self-sabotage. The first of the seven secrets is acknowledging fear and doubt, and understanding that you’re doing it.
• [31:33] – Orion takes a moment to discuss her own childhood, which was very painful during the years when she was forming core beliefs. Lisa then addresses how to handle this situation by breaking through toxic meanings and emotions.
• [34:07] – The fourth of Lisa’s seven secrets is breaking the trance.
• [35:22] – What does Lisa do to break the trance when she finds herself slipping into an old pattern of behavior?
• [38:47] – Has Lisa ever had difficulty handling “no”? She explains that she trained herself early on to not take “no” personally.
• [40:35] – Orion asks how to take what Lisa has been saying from the conceptual to something she can really feel.
• [44:08] – Does Lisa have any rituals that she does when she needs to feel stronger, more secure, or more confident?
• [46:42] – Lisa discusses how she gets over feeling overwhelmed by learning to delegate.
• [47:44] – What are Lisa’s three top tips to living a stellar life? 1. Remember that you’re FAB (fabulous, awesome and beautiful). 2. Strive for imperfection, or take imperfect action often. 3. Practice being in the moment and appreciating what you have.
• [48:51] – Lisa offers ways for people to find her, as well as a way to get a free consultation with her.

About Today’s Show

‏‏Sometimes when I speak with my guests, I’m like, “Wow. It just seems like everything is just working perfect to them. They know all the answers. Their life is so perfect, now that they arrived.” I also think that sometimes people look at me and they might think so. But the truth is that we are all going through hard times. The truth is that sometimes we think we overcame something and then month down the road or years down the road, we struggle with the same exact thing. It’s almost like life is like a video game where you conquer one level and, “Wow, you arrived,” but then there are so many more levels to go and to reach. Sometimes you fall, sometimes you stand up. Some days you probably wake up and you’re like, “Wow, I don’t feel that hot.” Other days you wake up and you glimpse into your divine glory. You get a glimpse into your divine, powerful self and you’re like, “Yes, I’m a rockstar. I can rock the world.” It’s okay to feel your feelings. I, for example, was talking to my guest today about it. Sometimes I have a fear of rejection. It’s been like that since I’m a kid, and my childhood, and all that. All those dramas that we have from our childhood that affect us today or whatever the reason is. The reality is that sometimes we feel rejected, I feel rejected. Sometimes we feel insecure. But what’s really important is to take it one day at a time, one moment at a time, one challenge at a time, and not to stress yourself to a point where you think to yourself, “Wow, I have to be there. I’m here. I need to be there.” Then you’re not living in the present moment. You’re living there in the future or in the past. You’re not grounded. It’s okay to be exactly where you are. What’s more important is to give yourself the grace and the self-love to know that you are exactly where you need to be, and from here the only way is up. Life is a journey. Life is sometimes even like a roller coaster. Some days you’re up, some days you’re down. But you know what? Whatever, just enjoy the ride. Now that I’m recording this episode, it’s the holiday time. There’s a lot going on. Family comes together, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Sometimes it’s not that wonderful because we get a little stressed with family gatherings or planning things. Wherever you are right now, I just wish you happy holidays. Take a deep breath. Take it one day at a time, and one moment at a time. My guest today is Lisa Lieberman-Wang. She is the founder of Fine to Fab and N.A.P. Coaching Academy. She wrote the book Fine to Fab. She was featured on TV with that book. Her coaching helps release years of shame and blame with a therapy model that she developed. In this episode, we talked about her life journey, and how she found self-love and appreciation, and how she released the need to be perfect all the time. We also talked about rejection and overcoming rejection. She shared a little process with me. Lots of good stuff in this episode. Now, onto the show. Hi Lisa, welcome to Stellar Life Podcast. It’s so nice to see you.

‏‏It’s always wonderful to see you as well.

‏‏Yes. Before we start, before we dive in, I want people to know a little bit more about you. You have an extraordinary life story. I want people to feel you and connect with you in that way.

‏‏Wonderful. I really believe I grew up in a traditional home like most other people, although I wanted to be unique. But in my home, I grew up in a very traditional, dysfunctional family where I was hoping for the Leave It To Beaver world. If you’re my age you’d know what I mean by that where everybody was nice but in my home everybody said disparaging words. My dad wanted perfect children. My nickname was AH. If you don’t know what that stands for, it was asshole.

‏‏Oh.

‏‏Yeah. I thought princess would’ve been better. That’s what I am right now. But when I grew up that’s not who I was. In public, I remember we went to a movie. We went to see the movie The Longest Yard, I don’t know if you remember that, with Burt Reynolds years ago. They’re all in this room and we go to the theater. In the theater I see my girlfriends on the side, I was like 9 or 11 years old. I said, “Can I go sit with them?” It wasn’t cool to be with your parents. I go to sit with them. There’s this scene in the theater where the guy is talking to a room full of people, like you and I met through the Tony Robbins World, we’d be sitting in a room, everybody’s speaking to the people on the audience. This guy gets in front of this group and he says, “You’re all assholes.” My father, no quicker than he said it, you hear from the distance saying, “Lisa, they’re calling you.” I just wanted to shrivel up and just hide and say, “This is awful. I don’t know him.” He’s laughing thinking it’s funny but I’m just mortified that he’d even do that in public. Today, I have a different relationship with my dad. I totally get where he came from. But he’ll tell me there was no book on how to be a good parent and I’ll say, “Dad I’m sure there was. You just didn’t read it.” What it is is he was doing his best, just like a lot of parents did. But as a young child, I wouldn’t have really understood that. My interpretation was I wasn’t very good and I was an AH because that’s what he called me, not once, not twice but probably a million times over a 10-year, 20-year period. I end up believing what I hear. That’s really where it became a lot of destructive things where I thought I was never good enough no matter how great I did, and scholarships through school, and other things I did. I would never, ever measure up to what he wanted in having perfect children. We sorrowed because both my brother and I didn’t know that there was no such thing as perfect children. We did everything in our power to be the best we could but to no avail.

‏‏Wow. Growing up like that, how did that affect your self-confidence and the way you showed up in the world? What did you attract into your life coming from that low self-esteem of I’m never perfect, I’m never enough?

‏‏It was interesting. My mom had one challenge. My mom was an unbelievably successful business person but she had a challenge around weight. My mom used to say to me, “Never look like me,” because she was obese and she was over 200lbs plus. She’d say, “Never look like me.” I said, “Don’t worry, if I ever do, you should shoot me.” I was always concerned about being skinny enough, being pretty enough, being smart enough. But all the other things like never enough. I don’t think there was ever a time where I felt I was worthy or deserving of anything because I couldn’t measure up. Over the years, it turned into trying to prove myself to everyone and getting the attention of other people to tell me I was okay because I didn’t think I was. I wasn’t getting it in the home. I had to look outside of myself to find it. But eventually I actually turned to food for comfort and support. I ended up with an eating disorder. I ended up being a compulsive overeater, binge eater, bulimic for 13 years. My first sign of it when they found out is I was 18 years old and getting on the back of my dad’s motorcycle. He was an engineer. He wanted to be cool and he rode a bike. I remember getting on the back and I fell off. I had a sudden heart attack, my potassium was so low. I couldn’t keep water in my stomach or anything else. I lost 30lbs in a month, I was about 95lbs. I remember being rushed into the hospital. I heard something that I’ve never heard before. It might have been said before but I never heard it. What I heard was my dad said, “I love you.” It was in that moment that I was like, “Wow, when you’re sick they’re nice to you.” It wasn’t a conscious moment to say, “Okay, this is what I need to do.” But it’s when the AH and all the other stuff stop just because when you’re sick they’re nice to you. I ended up spending 13 years following that in disease with myself. I found that they said, “You have control over this food and this other stuff. You can keep it in your body.” I’ve never intentionally tried to throw up or did bulimia or anything else. It’s more of you have control. When you feel like you can’t do anything right, you feel like you have no control. Here’s like, “Oh, I have control. Now I also can be sick and they’re going to be nice to me. You know what? I think I’m going to stay sick.” It wasn’t conscious. But now in hindsight I can look back and say I spent the following 13 years, six hospitalizations. Over a month or six weeks at a time in hospitals in disease. A lot of people didn’t quite understand it because looking at me you’d say, “She looks normal. She’s great. She’s got a scholarship. She’s so smart.” My uncle would turn around and come to visit he goes, “How can someone so smart be so dumb?”

‏‏Oh, man. It’s like nothing that you do can get them to treat you the way you wanted to.

‏‏It’s such a paradox for people because here is what people don’t understand. It’s actually the A-type personalities, the very smart women, the people that have everything going for them that are usually the hardest people on themselves. These are the women that became my clients today because they’re the ones that on the outside everything looks normal but inside they still feel like they’re not enough, they’re not pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough. It doesn’t matter what they’re doing because they’re still trying to live to a level that somebody else set an expectation for that maybe isn’t even attainable. Even if they got there, they wouldn’t even know what to do because nobody ever said, “Yay” or, “You got there,” or comforted them. There was always that next level, “What have you done for me lately? How else are you going to do it?” There was a piece that I think missed for me which really didn’t even make sense or even understand why I ended up doing what I did. My mom used food. She was a compulsive overeater, so was my dad. I used food. It was a good girl disease. I didn’t use alcohol or spending or sex or anything else. I just used food. No one’s going to dispute eating. That was my vehicle I used. Then after I said, “Okay, I’m not going to use food anymore,” I started spending. I was like, “That’s not going to work very long,” because you run out of money. I was like, “That’s not a good thing.” I need to learn how to stop this. What I found, it was an underlying challenge. It is not valuing myself. There was a piece I did leave out is that because dad wanted perfect children, dad also didn’t want me dating. Mom, because she wanted to not be the hard person like he was, you could do what you want just tell me. I ended up going out on a date at 16 years old and was date raped. I remember telling her. Her way of trying to support me said, “Don’t tell your dad, he’ll kill you.” The message I heard is I did something wrong versus the boy did something wrong. He was a couple years older than me. I took it that way. Then two years later, and this whole ‘me too’ thing is so interesting. Two years later, I have an employer at [Marie’s [00:13:34]. I was in college and teaching ballroom dancing. An employee attacks me, I was going to be competing for ballroom. He said, “Bring down the music,” and I did. He opened the door and he’s in a towel and he jumps me. I fortunately got out of the room. Then I got a letter when I got home that weekend that said I was terminated for reasons known to me. The reason was that he didn’t succeed, I got out of the room. When my father heard, we went to court and called them out on what happened. What I think is so amazing is we’re told stories at an early age, no matter what’s happening I have known today that everybody did the best they could with what they knew at that time. But the meaning I gave it at that time, the first time was I did something wrong, the second time somebody else did something wrong. But what most people didn’t know, the food started after the first time.

The A-type personalities, the very smart women, the people that have everything going for them that are usually the hardest people on themselves. Click To Tweet

‏‏Oh, wow.

‏‏I started stuffing the feelings because I couldn’t express it, nobody can know. I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to do. It was already my fault. Instead, I just started stuffing the feelings because I didn’t know how to express them. It became my vehicle to feel better, which never made me feel better, just made me feel worse because it didn’t go away.

‏‏After 13 years of self-abuse, what happened then? What was the point that you were like, “Okay, now I’m taking control over my life.” All of a sudden you started feeling worthy or loving yourself. What happened?

‏‏It’d be nice if it was all of a sudden.

‏‏Yeah, like this, “I’m done exactly on April 5th. Woke up [8:30] AM.”

‏‏Epiphany, now it’s okay.

‏‏Yeah.

‏‏What happened is I had spent years in shame, blame, and therapy. I wasn’t getting anywhere. I felt like I was going and telling the same story, having a [inaudible [00:16:02], ripping it off. Then coming back raw and starting again. A doctor friend of mine, chiropractor doctor, says to me, “This guy Tony Robbins is coming into town. He has this fire walk. You should go.” I was like, “Oh, fire walks help bulimics.” I had no idea who he was. This is 25 years ago. I was like, “Okay, let me find out what this is.” I go. I remember I’m in the front row when I’m walking and Tony is right next to me. I looked up and I said, literally this is my question to him, “Will this help bulimia?” I had no idea who he was. I’m walking to the fire, he’s right next to me. He just gave me a big smile. I didn’t know that was going to be a beginning of a very big future for me. I ended up becoming a part of his whole program. It was in the Virgin Islands that year. He had a Date with Destiny event. He was going through a [ebonies of dickens [00:16:58] process. We talked about if we continued doing what we’re doing, what will happen? Honestly, it was my grandma who used to say, “Baby, take care of your mother’s daughter.” It was such a consistent message she gave me. I took care of everybody else but I wasn’t taking care of me. It was killing her watching me sick. He’s looking for someone suicidal, I don’t remember raising my hand but I was. Tony ended up working with me for six hours. That was the beginning of the end. The irony about it is I figured he’s the best in the world. You’re going to love this. Three months later I’m back in the food. I was doing volunteer work for Tony. Joseph McClendon, he ended up coming to New York for something. There’s like 12 of us meeting for the basket brigade. All of a sudden, I wasn’t feeling great. It was a bad day for me. I said, “Joseph’s going to be in, I love Joseph. I want to support him. I’m going to go to this meeting.” We go and Joseph can’t make it. He doesn’t show up. All of a sudden this gentleman’s talking. My back is to the door. This guy goes, “Here’s Tony.” I looked back, Tony Robbins walks in the room. There was only 12 of us there. That was 25 years ago, look how big it is today. He said, “Does anybody have a question?” Obviously I’m so shy so I’m like, “Yeah, I have a question.” He’s like, “What?” I said, “If you’re so great, why am I still fucked up?”

‏‏I love your honesty. That’s great.

‏‏Yeah, I’m transparent. He looked at me and quite honestly, he had one great question I think it’s for anybody listening. This is an important question we need to ask ourselves. He said, “What’s the purpose of your life?” I thought about it. At that time I was like, “I don’t have a purpose.” I was pretty lost. I was back in the food. I couldn’t function. I was back in disease again. I had three months, which is more than I had in 13 years. But it was like, “Wow.” He says, “I have this new technology.” He starts training us for three hours. He comes over after. He gives me a big hug and a kiss. He said, “Don’t ever ask me that question again.” But it’s been 25 years since I’ve actually chose to use food or anything else to make myself feel better. It really was making a decision. It is the way you described it. A decision to me means to put an end to any other option. It was a decision to stop hurting myself because it was no longer about me. It was me hurting myself, was hurting my parents, was hurting my grandma, was hurting people I love. When it was just about me, it was easy to do. But when it was affecting other people it was like, “I don’t want to be hurting them.” I used to say to them when I was being selfish, “This is not about you.” But it totally was because it was affecting them, you know?

‏‏Absolutely. When you get out of your own suffering and you try to take care of somebody else and look at somebody else’s needs, then you get out of pain and depression. I love what you said about making the decision. You had to have Tony to have that somebody there to coach you to make that decision. If somebody’s listening right now, what would you advise them on how to take the courage to take this decision?

‏‏The courage I think it has to be looking at what it’s really costing. Stop making it about yourself. Part of the reason why people are in disease with themselves is because they’re so engulfed in themselves. When we look at the word ego, ego is etching God out if you look at it, and not believing there’s something greater than yourself. When you make it all about you, it’s really easy to stay in pain. When you make it about others, it’s easy to give. I think we change our habitude to gratitude. A lot of people are still living in all the things they have to, or could, should or what ifs in their lives instead of appreciation. As soon as we come from a different place of gratitude, it’s easy to actually release all the stuff because we’re no longer in that expectation.

‏‏Yeah, I love that. I actually met a woman yesterday that invited me to a gratitude circle. I was thinking to myself, “Wow, that’s so beautiful, women coming together in gratitude.” I don’t know what they do there exactly but it just sounds so good. Because when you’re in gratitude, you can’t be in fear, you cannot be in pain. You can’t be in fear and in love at the same time. You can’t be in fear and appreciation at the same time.

‏‏And you also can’t be judging at the same time. Most people that are hurting themselves are judging themselves. You can’t have gratitude if you judge at the same time.

‏‏Right. What do you do to get yourself into a state of gratitude?

‏‏Oh, it’s easy. Today, it’s easy. Today, it’s really just everyday above ground is a good day. I’m grateful for everything I have. I think we have to start with the basics. It’s like being grateful you have two hands, that you have two eyes, that you have two ears, that you can walk, that you can talk, that you have a roof over your head, a bed to sleep in. I remember when I was originally driving my car and I’d be like, “What is that?” I’m so focused about what I didn’t have. It was very challenging to be focused on what I did. You have to start somewhere. I like to tell my clients to start with five things you’re grateful for everyday. It had to be something new. It could be grateful that you took the time to smell a rose, that you saw the sunrise or you saw the sunset, that you have a car, that you got to spend time with your friend. Five things everyday that are different that you can find to be grateful for. You could be grateful for the food that’s in front of you, grateful for the table you’re sitting at, grateful for the kids you got to enjoy watching, they don’t have to be yours. Whatever it is you can find in everyday. If you make a habit of looking for five things you’re grateful for a day, can you imagine at the end of the year how easy it is to find things you’re grateful for? Most people are so conditioned to see what’s wrong, not what’s right. It has to be a practice, like a new muscle we have to exercise. Most people never get that opportunity to exercise it because we live in a world where people commiserate with each other. We have to learn to connect not through misery but connect through what’s good and what could be even better. That will actually raise the consciousness for us to be happier.

‏‏Yeah. I’m grateful to have you here today. It’s really nice to really hear your story and connect with you. I also think that when we are in gratitude for the things that we do and for who we are, we claim who we are more, we acknowledge who we are. I can do something and just say, “Oh, it was just a little thing. It was nothing.” But the moment I’m grateful for it, the moment I said, “I’m in this mastermind. I’m constantly in different masterminds.” Today the coach said, “Okay, I’m going to open the floor. It’s like a gratitude moment and sharing your achievements.” I was like, “I don’t know if I achieved something last week.” Because when I think about achievements, I’m thinking about achievements, “I won an award. I landed a new client.” Something that is big for me. But then I was like, “Wait, what am I doing? I’m preaching gratitude and for myself I’m not allowing myself to feel it, I’m not allowing myself to claim it.” Then I was like, “Well, I changed my website.” It felt so good to claim it and to own it and to be grateful because gratitude is so important. From that moment in your life, you walked on fire, you got involved in this amazing community of Tony Robbins, and you found your mission. What’s your mission?

‏‏Actually, what’s interesting is I didn’t find my mission. But what I did do is I continued the journey after Tony. I decided everybody here I’ll learn from, I needed to go learn from them if they were living. I went to learn from Wayne Dyer, and then Jim Rohn, then Zig Ziglar, then Deepak Chopra, and then Andy Andrews, and then Dr. Bamler. I got licensed as a Master NLP Practitioner and Trainer, then I said [inaudible [00:25:18], then I said[inaudible [00:25:19], then I said, “Okay, who else?” Women, Alison Armstrong. I need to learn from John Gray, Barbara De Angelis, and Mark Gungor, and then all the others. Then I continued this journey of investing. Quite honestly, I was looking for this question to be answered, which is such a crazy question today. I know you’ll appreciate it, coming from the same background. I was looking for the question to what’s wrong with me. I found out that there was nothing wrong with me. That was after spending almost three quarters of a million dollars to figure it out. What was interesting is that this mission of what I’m doing today was not why I did it to begin with. I did it to begin with because I was very successful, I have multiple businesses, I’ve always done well. But no matter how great I did, I was always comparing myself to somebody else. I didn’t know that we can have two beautiful women right now in the same room. If somebody was prettier than me, all of a sudden I was no longer pretty. Or if somebody was skinnier, then I’m just fat. If somebody had more money, I was no longer successful. It was such an interesting barometer which decided if I was okay or not. I realized, “Wait, I’m not alone. There are a lot of women that’s doing stuff like that.” I had to figure out like, “Okay, how can I just be okay being?” If you think about it, we’re human beings, not human doings but yet most of the things we measure are what we’ve done, not who we are. It was about seven years ago when I met your husband through the Platinum Program and that Loren Slocum, who’s one of Tony’s head trainers, turned around to me knowing me at that time 17 years, and said to me, “You’re playing small. You’re supposed to be helping more women.” That just totally blew me away because I was like, “No, that’s not what I do. I teach people how to make money, I build business. That’s what I’ve done for 26 years.” She said, “No, you’re supposed to be helping more women.” I talked back and I said, “No, we were in Egypt.” I’ll make it a short story. I remember I was crying and she starts doing Kinesiology and muscle testing, “Oh, you’re not supposed to be doing this.” A year later to the same week, I wake up. Out of nowhere I came downstairs and I called my husband handsome and I said, “Handsome, I’m supposed to save lives.” I said, “I don’t know what it looks like. I don’t know how to do it.” We have three other businesses at the time, I said, “You have to take them over. This is what I’m doing.” I get on the computer. I happened to do emails, I get on Facebook. One of the Platinum partners, Dr. Walker, puts a picture of Loren and I speaking and he tags us. It’s only a picture of our shoes. I look at it and I’m like, “That’s from a year ago.” It happened to be tagged in that 24-hour period. I said, “Oh my God, okay God I got it. That’s a sign.” I go through the pictures. There’s another one of her just moving my hair away from my face.

‏‏Helping you to see clear.

‏‏Exactly. I wrote to Michael, “How come you didn’t tag that one?” He goes, “You were crying. I didn’t think you’d want to see that.” But he put it on Facebook. But that was the beginning. Because of it, I started Fine to Fab. I ended up writing a book, and the focus is Fine to Fab. Fine is how I used to feel. I’m going to curse, it’s fucked up, insecure, and emotional. I’d rather be fab: fabulous, awesome, beautiful. The book became number one immediately. I helped some people because the people I helped, they ended up on CDS and ABC and NBC and all these other shows because of the work we’ve done. It was really seven secrets to overcoming self-sabotage. When you say how did I do it and decide, there was really a way of changing the unconscious mind that was far beyond what I’ve learned from Tony. It was what I learned as a combination of all the different trainings that I was blessed to be able to take and now help other people. The mission is to end shame, blame, and therapy.

‏‏Oh, beautiful. Amen to that. Amen. High five.

‏‏High five.

‏‏ That’s wonderful. It’s interesting because you mentioned three names. You mentioned Loren Slocum, you mentioned Alison Armstrong, and John Gray. All of them were my guests here on Stellar Life so hooray, that’s great.

‏‏Awesome.

‏‏What are the secrets to overcoming self-sabotage?

‏‏Oh, man. The first one out of the seven secrets, you can find it in the book, is acknowledging fear and doubt. We need to understand that we’re doing it like anything else. If you’re not aware you’re doing it, how do you make the change? In order to influence people, we need to know what influences them. If I say it you may doubt it, but if you say it it’s true. You have to acknowledge the fear and doubt. I always believe fear is false evidence appearing real as most people hear it. But to me fear is face everything and rise above it.

‏‏I love it. That’s a great definition. Because fear doesn’t go away, it’s not always false.

‏‏Right.

‏‏When something appears real, it feels real. I like your definition. What was it again?

‏‏Face everything and rise above it.

‏‏Yes, I like it. That’s the way I live my life most of the time.

‏‏You don’t have to be perfect. I strive for imperfection. Then the second is taking inventory of life’s lessons and beliefs. There are things that happen. In the word belief, there’s a word in the middle of it, and it’s the word lie. Beliefs are the lies we tell ourselves. Just like I had told myself a lie that when that happens to me at 16 that my dad would be upset with me. That was a belief because somebody else installed it. We need to know that 55% of our beliefs were formed by the time we’re 5 years old by teachers, preachers, and guardians. I took somebody else’s belief, maybe a hand me down belief, made it my own. Because of it I made myself wrong. Taking inventory of those beliefs and understanding what’s true and not is really critical to changing them.

‏‏Listening to you, I’m thinking about my childhood which was very dramatic and painful. By the time I was five, a lot of things happened. I’m thinking, “Oh my God, I was in this really difficult reality.” By the age of five, I formed 55% of beliefs that were related to this reality. How am I ever going to change it? Because I’m sure there are some things that are still there from childhood. You know me, I’m going to tons of seminars. Like you, I studied from the greatest leaders and luminaries, and still there is the doubt, there is the fear, there is the I’m not good enough, there is the fear of rejection. How, what, when, where, how?

‏‏Great question. It goes for the fact that 55% was given to you, hand me down beliefs. 45% was built on a shaky foundation because you don’t know whether it’s right or wrong. You just took what they told you as face value but that was their limitations they were sharing, right?

‏‏Right.

‏‏Number three is breaking through the toxic meanings and emotions. I say toxic because we have to start asking ourselves, “Is it true or not?” What we expect is it’s true because we can’t prove a belief. I remember some of the beliefs I was told, think about the ones you were. I was told never rely on a man or you need to make more money than a guy or anything else or never trust a man. Where did all my challenges come growing up? With men. I became a self-fulfilling prophecy because what you focus on, you get. It was breaking through those toxic meanings and emotions. I have an amazing man, so do you. But if you were to continue those beliefs as a young child, which I did at the beginning, I was divorced because I married the belief.

‏‏Oh, that’s powerful. Women get divorced because they marry the belief and not their husbands.

‏‏Yeah.

‏‏Oh, that’s big.

‏‏Yeah. The challenge was it wasn’t a healthy relationship because it was exactly what I was afraid of. I became a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we don’t break the toxic meanings and emotions, we’ll keep repeating it. As they see, all men are bad. No, if that’s what you’re focusing on, that’s what you’re going to keep finding. If we don’t change the belief and break through it, you’re going to keep repeating it. Learning how to not do that. Four is breaking the trance. This is a little harder to describe without showing you something. But if you understand that, just like froid. If we make this froid iceberg, the top of the iceberg is 10% of our conscious thinking, and the 90% is our unconscious. Your conscious thinking is your will power, your analytical, and your rational thinking. The 90% is your ship. It’s your strategies, your habits, your impulses, and physiological control. That is what’s not programmed consciously. That’s your 55% that was put there automatically. Your preconscious is your halt where you have hungry, angry, lonely, tired when we really need to stop what we’re doing. Most people are acting on such an automatic thing and they don’t break the trance that when they need to stop and they run down, they need to halt, instead they wage a war, they take down their ship, and they wonder why they’re repeating history. It’s understanding why we do what we do, and how to reprogram our unconscious mind.

‏‏When you catch yourself slipping into an old pattern of behavior in your business or with your partner, how do you break the pattern? What do you do to get yourself out of that trance?

‏‏I think the first thing is first acknowledging you’re doing it. You might need to have somebody help you at times to remind you of who’s that, giving it a name, and saying, “Who is that? Who just showed up here? Because I don’t know who that person is,” making it fun, finding something they say like if they wanted to stop something, put a rock in it. It’s like instead of going on an automatic path, how do you stop it? How do you interrupt the pattern? Put a rock in it. A rock can be making something funny like if it’s a relationship and your significant other does something. Instead of saying, “Stop,” you can sing like, “Stop right there.”

‏‏“In the name of love, before you break my heart.” I’ve done it. I’ve done it with Stephan. It’s so funny I actually did that. Stop.

‏‏It’s interrupting the pattern in a way that can make it fun. It doesn’t have to be confrontational but it’s like, “Wait a second. I’m going back to an old behavior. This is not who I am today. This is a reaction, not a response.” Belief sometimes takes us taking a step back, taking a deep breath, acknowledging who’s showing up in this moment so that we can make better choices. I think that’s an important piece too.

‏‏Yeah. I would think also to acknowledge that part and not push it away. Let’s say a part of me shows up and she’s more angry or more feeling ashamed, it’s not about pushing her to the side, it’s about acknowledging her, embracing her. Then from that point say, “Thank you so much for sharing. I’m going to choose to act in a different way.” But I do believe in feeling our emotions. Then letting go, we can just shove everything under the carpet. Also, acknowledging that we’re not perfect, acknowledging that it’s okay to feel our feelings, and being genuine with that, being honest with ourselves. “Yes, I have those parts that I’m not really proud of. They’re still a part of me. I’m learning to deal with them better and break that pattern.”

‏‏I think the important part is to understand what role they’ve served in the past. Because it’s like okay, they were there for a reason and were exactly where we believed we’re supposed to be. There’s no part of us that’s good or bad. It’s just it was there and served the purpose. Understanding what’s the role that’s being played right now, are we actually still in need of that service? Do we still need to be afraid? Do we still need to be fearful? You realize that by the time you were two years old, you heard the same word a million times and it was, “No.” It was also to never trust strangers. Then as an adult you go into business and you’re afraid to talk to strangers. You wonder, “Why am I so afraid of people?” I’m afraid I’m going to be rejected. Because you were told as a young person, “Don’t talk to strangers.” Then as an adult you have this fear, you don’t know why, it doesn’t even make sense but it’s real to you because it was real, because as a young child you would’ve been abducted. But as a 30 year old, 40 year old, 50 year old, no one’s going to steal you right now. At least we hope not. You don’t have to have the same guard up. You don’t need to have it for the same reasons. It’s making sure we’re aware of where is it coming from and is it serving us. If it’s not, what’s the new meaning we can give to this? Do we even need to go back to that part of us? We can probably eliminate it.

‏‏Have you ever had a difficulty handling no?

‏‏That’s an interesting thing. My original career was in sales. I worked for companies like IBM and MCI. I was trained by some of the best sales people in the world like Tom Hopkins, Zig Ziglar, Jim Rohn, and Jay Abraham. The funny thing is I remember when Top Hopkins said, “It takes 30 nos to get a yes.” When someone said no to me, I’d say thank you because I knew I’m that much closer to a yes. Everyday I started my list with 30 lines on it, and they’d say no I’m like, “Yay, I’m getting closer.” Next one said no I’m like, “Yeah, getting closer.” The nos never bothered me because I trained myself at an early that they weren’t saying no to me, they were saying no to my product or service. As a matter of fact, I was working with a woman who said, “I hate rejection,” when someone says no to me.

‏‏That will be me. That’s the thing that is in the way of so many things. Because I feel like I’m afraid to get the no or to be self-imposing or maybe what will they think about me.

‏‏Okay, first off they don’t know you enough to not like you. You got to realize this. When they’re saying no to you for something, they’re saying no to your product or service so they don’t have enough information. They’re not really saying no to you, they’re saying no to what you’re offering. When you separate it from you, it’s not about saying no to you, they’re saying no to what you’re offering. It’s like me saying, “I like oatmeal raisin cookies.” You might say, “I like chocolate chip cookies.” I offer you my oatmeal raisin and you go, “Lisa, I don’t like oatmeal raisin.” Does that mean I no longer like them? No, I still love them. But for you, you like taco chip. Does it make either one of them bad?

‏‏No.

‏‏Okay, same thing if somebody’s saying no to you. They’re saying no to oatmeal raisin cookies.

‏‏How do you take it from a concept to something that I can really feel right now? Because conceptually, I get it. It’s common knowledge that they don’t say no to you, and it’s not about you. But I still feel it.

‏‏Okay, where do you feel it?

‏‏Solar plexus.

‏‏In your solar plexus?

‏‏Yes.

‏‏Okay. This is great for anybody listening. Right now there’s a place that you’ve actually stored no. I want you, for a moment just if you would, it’s going to take us one minute. Let’s just remove it.

‏‏Okay.

‏‏Just take a deep breath and then close your eyes.

‏‏Not if you’re driving though.

‏‏Not if you’re driving, yes.

‏‏Listen to it later.

‏‏Wherever you feel the no that shows up in your body. I just want you to imagine the color of it, the size, if it has any movement, if it has any sound, and anything that you’re putting a description to around it. I want you to take it and wherever direction it’s moving, or if it’s not moving at all, I want you to move it in an opposite direction. Almost as if it’s like a washing machine turning. I want you to just have it keep turning, turning, turning. I want you to make it faster, faster, faster. As it’s going faster, faster, I want you to feel that leaving your body. I want you to watch it leave your body. As it’s turning, continually to turn, I want you to watch it dissipate into the universe until it’s little specks, you no longer see it, and it’s almost turning white and clear and sparkling, no longer even a part or a trace within your body. It feels really freeing and open for anything that needs to come in that’s good. When you no longer hear it, see it, or feel it let me know.

‏‏For me, what happened is there is a part of it that was removed and there is still something there. I guess I’ll have to do it again and again and again until it’s completely gone.

‏‏What we can do is we can just fill that with something else. You can actually just hold something in and bring white light and fill it up or anything else because we didn’t finish the process. But the idea there is that our feelings are manifesting in our body in some way. A lot of times, like people who have financial concerns, show up in their back, in their shoulders. Things of fears will show up in different parts of your body. You can literally eliminate it. If you [inaudible [00:42:53] literal to you, when someone says it’s literal, it’s as easy as moving it away. Let’s just test. Does it feel as bad if somebody says no to you now? Does it feel like it’s in the solar plexus as strong as it was before?

‏‏It actually moved higher. Now it does not feel that bad. It feels better.

‏‏Okay, awesome. You might just be doing different exercises to remove it. But the truth is that I look at it very simply as no one knows us well enough not to like us. If they’re saying no to you, they’re just saying no to your product or service. It’s like they don’t like taco chip cookies, they don’t like oatmeal raisin. But it’s not they don’t like you.

No one knows us well enough not to like us. If they’re saying no to you, they’re just saying no to your product or service. Click To Tweet

‏‏Right, yes. Do you have any rituals you do with yourself everyday or every other day when you need to feel stronger, to feel more secure, to feel more confident? Obviously, you built an amazing career over the last however many years. You’re very successful, you have many companies. But do you still encounter I’m not good enough? We all have bad days. What do you do if you feel something like that?

‏‏Okay. I don’t have bad days but I can have a bad moment.

‏‏Okay.

‏‏That’s the first thing, to give myself permission to feel. There’s nothing wrong with feeling. But if I have that moment because it comes back to a core question, it’s about acknowledging it. But my ways of wording that off normally is that everyday is to me, I do these rituals of my I am’s but I do it with a lot of excitement. When I show up at my personal best who am I. For me it’s I’m fabulous, I’m the most beautiful, I’m kind, I’m amazing. This is something I do every single morning in my birthday suit. I have my clients do the same thing.

‏‏In your birthday suit? Where? In the shower?

‏‏Here’s what the truth is. No one’s going to do something for someone they don’t like.  We need to learn to fly. Fly stands for first love yourself.

‏‏I love it.

‏‏We have to be at the point where we can just appreciate who we are, not when we’re thinner or richer or have the perfect mate or the perfect job or anything else. It’s everyday. It’s wording yourself and preparing yourself for what can come. The studies have shown that it takes 20 positive statements to counteract 1 negative. If we’re saying negative things to ourselves, if you say 50 positive things everyday, you’re ahead by at least 2 ½.  You can split twice and you’re still in a good place. You don’t have to worry about it. The other thing is just not allowing things to last for a day. It’s a moment. If things don’t feel good, you can feel it for a moment but move past it. You shared that earlier. It’s like you’ll feel something but, “Okay, I don’t need to do this anymore, I can move past it.”

‏‏Correct.

‏‏That’s exactly why you’re successful. It’s because you don’t need to dwell in it. You can say, “Okay, I acknowledge you showing up.” But then the next question is, “Is it true? Do I really need to feel this way? Is this who I am today? Or is this who I was? Am I falling into an old story and how do I break the trance?” My seven-step is cool because it’s practicing peace. It’s also make peace, practice gratitude and celebrating. When we make a habit of accepting things as they are, being grateful in the moment, and celebrating even the smallest things, it becomes really hard to feel bad about things because we’re always looking for what’s good, not what’s bad.

‏‏Yes, of course. How do you get overwhelmed? Somebody like you that does so many things. You guys have businesses, there’s a lot going on. Do you ever get overwhelmed? How do you get over that?

‏‏I learned to delegate.

‏‏Yeah.

‏‏That wasn’t my strength. I had the need for perfectionism. Step six is stop waiting for perfection. I had to learn to let go of things. I had to stop worrying about it being perfect, I had to strive for imperfection, and take plenty of imperfect action. No, I don’t need to do it by myself. No, there are other people that know how to do things better. I love what Joyce Myers said, “If somebody’s strength is doing something specific, they’re a 7 or 8. They could spend more energy on it, they could become a 9 or 10. But if your strength in that area is a 3, no matter what you do, it’ll never become a 9 or 10.” The way to never become overwhelmed is just focus on what you do really well and find other people who do other things well. I don’t believe I need to be a jack of all, master of none. I just believe I need to do what I do really well and find other people who do what they do well. Then celebrate them and let them be what they do great.  I can just continue to serve at the Picasso, I always show up at my best.

‏‏Wonderful. What are your three top tips to living a stellar life?

‏‏The stellar life is you.

‏‏To live the fabulous life.

‏‏Okay. The three top tips to live a stellar or fabulous life. I think the first one it’s remember you’re fab, which is fabulous, also beautiful. Strive for imperfection or taking perfect action often and appreciate that. I make mistakes and I think it’s the funniest thing to do. Years ago I was really hard on myself. Practice being, being in the moment, just appreciating what you have in that moment. I remember Ellen [00:48:05] said something years ago on our TED talk and I loved it. She said, “When you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you’re pissing on today.” Kind of literal, I’m sorry.

‏‏But I like it, yes.

‏‏It was totally a visual for me. I was like, “You know what? Learning to be present and appreciating where I am in this moment and with the people I’m with, and to be in that point of gratitude is the best gift you can give yourself or anybody else.”

‏‏Wonderful. Where can people find you? I know that you have a special thing to offer our listeners.

‏‏Absolutely. They can find me on my website at finetofab.com, which is an easy way to do it. You could also, if you go to the number 7 Secrets to Fab, we have a special webinar which is put together for anybody here. If they watched the webinar and they want to get a free consult with me, they could fill out a form, and see if they apply. If they’re eligible for it, we’ll have somebody get ahold of them so they could set up a free consultation.

‏‏Wonderful. Thank you so much Lisa, I appreciate you. Thank you so much for this.

‏‏This was wonderful. I’m excited that we get to spend more time together.

‏‏Thank you. Thank you for joining me on my mission to light people up and change lives around the world. I hope today’s conversation inspires you to step up, go after the life of your dreams, and be who you want to be. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to go to stellarlifepodcast.com for show notes, transcripts, and other cool stuff. Please subscribe, review, and help spread the word by sharing us on Facebook and Twitter. Have a lovely day. I’ll catch you on the next episode.

Your Checklist Actions to Take

✓ Never strive for perfection. As a human, you are forever a work in progress. You may make mistakes, but you also have the power not to dwell on them.

✓ Don’t expect overnight epiphanies and be patient with yourself. Everybody must start with the basics.

✓ Find something that makes you feel safe. It can be a hobby you like or a community you feel welcome in.

✓ Make yourself a priority. Take care of yourself as you take care of others.

✓ Ask yourself what your purpose is if you’re ever feeling lost. Your answer will guide you to reach your goal. 

✓ Never give up and persevere to reach your goal in life. Success always comes to those who work hard.

✓ Think rationally and avoid getting too emotional. Believe that you’re meant for something great and always look on the bright side. 

✓ Get out of the should’ve, could’ve, would’ve state of mind. You only have the NOW.

✓ Make it a practice to regularly list five things you’re grateful for every day.

✓ Own your success in life no matter how big or small. These little achievements are testaments to your effort. 

Links and Resources:

About Lisa Lieberman-Wang

Lisa Lieberman-Wang is the author of the #1 internationally bestselling book FINE to FAB and a relationship and breakthrough expert. She is the co-creator of the cutting edge neuroscience: Neuro Associative Programming “NAP”. She created NAP for you to be able to heal in a short period of time, avoiding years of therapy with a proven model to breakthrough whatever is weighing you down. Using this technology she has helped thousands of people overcome lifelong emotional challenges of depression, anxiety, stress, self-sabotage, emotional eating, shopping, sexual abuse and co-dependency with her proven 7 Secrets to FAB.