Episode 29 | September 13, 2016

Heal Your Heart and Get Real About Love with Renee Piane


A Personal Note from Orion

Getting our hearts broken seems to be an inevitable part of life, as we meet people and learn what we do and do not want in a partner.  The problem is, many of us don’t know how to recover from heartbreak, and open our hearts to a new love with a clean slate.

The truth is, you have to let go of all the baggage from your old relationships, and be honest with yourself about why they didn’t work, and what you can do better next time.  Don’t let yourself become hard as a rock, putting up walls to guard yourself which for many women, causes us to lose our feminine and loving side.  Renee Piane has over over 23 years in the art of dating and relationships, and she generously shares how you can recover from a broken heart and show up in your new relationship strong, knowing what you want, and most importantly, with an open heart full of love.

 

 

About Today’s Show

‏‏Hello and welcome to Stellar Life Podcast. Today’s guest is Renee Piane, she’s an international relationship reinvention expert and a dating consultant. Renee’s a widely acclaimed international speaker, TV celebrity, and author of two books; Love Mechanics and Get Real About Love. She was listed by the Wall Street Journal as one of the eight resources for single men in America. She has been featured in and on major media outlets that include CNN, NBC, ABC, The Today Show, MTV, and the list goes on and on and on. Renee was voted iDate’s Top International Dating Coach in 2014 and received their Women’s Empowerment Award in 2016. On top of that, she’s my friend and I’m so proud and honored to have you here today on the show angel, how are you doing?

‏‏I am really excited to be here. I love talking about all these topics, it’s my passion, it’s my life, it’s something that drives me everyday to help open people’s hearts to real love. People are just doing everything too fast. I’m here to help people really open their hearts to what’s really going on especially if they’re going through a breakup. People always call us coaches when they’re in the middle of heartbreak or sadness and stuff like that. I’m here to help, I’m here to inspire.

‏‏Thank you. Before we start, how did you get to play cupid and how did you decide that you’re going to help people with their love life on both sides of it where it’s how to find love and how to heal broken hearts.

‏‏It actually evolved over time. I’ve been teaching love classes since 1992, or maybe even before then, it was around 1990, 1992. For the Learning Annex, there was a class, this is how it all started. I moved out here as a wedding planner and image makeover specialist and hair and makeup designer. I used to do makeovers and brides and plan weddings for brides in the East coast. I was living in a very small town in Wilmington, Delaware. I’m 100% Italian. I was young and I wanted to start anew in a big town. I decided to make a brand for myself in LA and I did, I came out here and got a job at the Riviera Country Club. Then, I was working at a salon and teaching at Barbizon Modeling School about body language, how to talk, and how to present yourself. It was just this amazing opportunity. A gentleman asked me to speak at a class about picking up women to a group of men back in 1991. I got a 15 minute segment. When I went in, there was 40 single men, half of them were divorced, some had broken up, some were just rusty in the dating game, and that was the day that I realized that there was an opportunity to give men insights into the minds of women. I said to these guys, I talked to them about the way they presented themselves and that’s how it began. But then on top of it, I was alone here, I didn’t know anyone in LA, I came from East to West and I started doing that and that year, I started Love Works: Cocktail Mixers. They were networking events and I started to put some of these bachelors that I was meeting in the classes, I’d say come to this mixer and meet women. At those events, I started to put people together for friendship, for business, and for love and started matching people. That was way back then. What happened, this is the funniest story. A man that was teaching the class got jealous of the responses that the men were having toward me being in the class to hear from women, the women’s point of view on dating. He asked me not to come back. I did it two times for free, I was working free. All the men would wait at the end of the class and stand in line to talk to me. I said to him, “We should start a business doing coaching for men.” He goes, “No way, this is my class. Just leave, you’re just doing makeovers.” The guys wanted to ask me insights into the minds of women. That started it and then right after that, Learning Annex found out that I wasn’t coming back anymore, and they got calls from some of the men that they wanted to come back to hear more from me. I got asked to teach a class there without my book. I had no book, I just had a drive and I loved to tell stories so I got hired at The Learning Annex to teach a class called The Smart Man’s Guide to Dating, Attracting, and Understanding Women. That was what changed my entire life because from that, I got asked to do television, and then I wrote a book, and then I pioneered the first speed dating company. It was like a whirlwind of life for eight years of working individually with single men. All the ladies that are listening to your podcast today or this show need to understand that men never got prince training. I have individually and collectively represented the amazing, wonder women that all of you are and I used to believe that all these men had had training but they have not. For all of the amazing, Super Woman, Wonder Woman that are out there listening to your show, because I know that’s your market, don’t be disappointed. Just understand that most men have not had all the introspective training that we have. They haven’t had prince training. Back then, I used to say I am the one, I represent, I’m the one who represents all of us to tell men like it is so that they can prepare themselves for love, sacred love. Many of them just never got guidance. When you really look at how busy people are, and the divorce rate in combination with the internet being sort of the source at this time for men, a lot of it is based on pornography and not real depth and real love. I single handedly have tried to help thousands of men and currently I’m working with a company internationally training men online every other week on these free calls and sometimes you girls should sign up and tune in to how un-evolved some men are. It isn’t that they don’t want to be, it’s just that it hasn’t been given to them in their lineage. Men find out about love from their buddies at the gym or if they were lucky to have sisters like my brothers, I have three brothers and there’s two other girls in my family. My brothers saw us cry over men, get hurt over men, and they became really, really clear on how to treat women properly. Some men have training and some men don’t. It’s up to us to guide them with our love. When we get hurt, women sometimes, and men, are very sensitive about the pains that happen to them when they’re young and sometimes they can never get rid of some of the pain that they have. That’s some of the stuff that we’re going to be talking about today is broken hearts.

Don’t be disappointed. Just understand that most men have not had all the introspective training that we have. They haven’t had prince training. Click To Tweet

‏‏When it comes to broken hearts, is there a big gap between the way a man or a woman perceives it or experiences it?

‏‏Absolutely, there is. First of all, these aren’t issues that men like to discuss really. It’s very interesting from working with men when they do go through a broken heart, that’s usually when they go through transformation. That’s usually when they’re searching for a place to understand things. When you go online to look up many of the programs for me, it’s finally happening because men are private about their heart feelings, the feelings that are deep in their heart. If they haven’t had a mother that was available or a father that they could talk to, you as a woman need to understand that these men have not had movie star prince training like we see on the movies. It’s just not real. We guide men with our love and our energy and the way that we show them how to love us and we’re expecting these men to know this. Many women that come to me, most of the women that come to me are wonder women like yourself. I know our host here is one of them. You’ve had your share of being a strong woman, taking care of yourself, having your business and all of that, and wondering where are the men that can handle somebody like you.

‏‏Exactly, especially coming from Israel, serving in the army, traveling the world by myself for so long. I lived in Japan for three and a half years and then I traveled over 25 countries now, I think. And then, I have a strong personality regardless. Sometimes, I had to learn for myself how to connect to my feminine essence and how to be the princess.

‏‏You haven’t let a man really take care of you. I’m a Wonder Woman, girls. When I wrote my new book, Get Real About Love: The Secrets To Opening Your Heart To Find True Love, it really was my story of how I had to heal the parts of me from having a-I call it in my book a love leap. The same man with different equipment, it was almost like I was so busy that I would meet charismatic, dynamic men that were really cool and they thought I was really cool but I was so busy that I sent out unavailable vibrations to them and they would then either leave or they weren’t even available to begin with because I wasn’t available. I find a lot of the Wonder Woman say they are no men that want to make a commitment and I’m like wait a second girls, take a look at yourself. I used to say that and the men that I was attracting really were awesome men but a lot of them were unavailable because I was attracting myself. I was attracting what I was putting out which was I had to reach a certain level of success, I was taking care of myself, and they didn’t feel needed at all because I didn’t have space. I was taking care of business, I was flying doing media in all the different cities for launching Rapid Dating back in 2000. It was before the internet had even gotten started. Plus, I was coaching people, writing articles for papers. Back then when you had events, you had to send invitations. There was no internet, I did all this through grunt work. It’s not like it is right now, that’s why there’s so many dating coaches because all they have to do is put dating coach next to their name but they don’t have much experience. You want to trust your heart with somebody that has experience in the world of not only dating but in the world of really looking at how we’re wired about love. That is what my book is about, how people were trained to love. If you look at your situation, you became a Wonder Woman young. In your culture, you’re almost trained to be that way.

‏‏It’s so funny because I was just watching Batman versus Superman on the Airplane yesterday night. I saw Gal Gadot who’s an Israeli actress and she plays Wonder Woman. It’s funny.

‏‏Oh, I loved her. She was hot, man. She does kind of look like you a little bit, she looks a little bit like you.

‏‏Thank you.

‏‏I wear a Wonder Woman costume when I speak, girl, so if you ever come to hear me speak, my goal is to help you switch out from the Wonder Woman to the feminine but it is a process and that’s a whole other show.

‏‏I did a TV appearance where I wore the Black Widow costume.

‏‏Wow, that is so cool. We’re all strong women but underneath it all, don’t you agree that we’re little girls? We have a little girl and we have the Wonder Woman and we have the nurturing woman. I have a little girl that controlled my love life for years and it came as a result from broken hearts.

‏‏Yes.

‏‏Broken hearts sometimes create even more of an energetic wall to people’s lives because the heart, when a person goes out and just says I’m going to just get laid and have some fun. I hear a lot of women and men, frankly, that they have what I call in my book, ‘temps’. They have people that are temporary placeholders or lovers while they’re looking for love. But in reality, a lot of times, they get addicted to that temp who isn’t really aligned with who they are and they waste years of their life.

Broken hearts sometimes create even more of an energetic wall to people’s lives because the heart.

‏‏That creates a void and more heartache. It makes it harder to find love. My question to you is, is it that people chose wrong and that’s why they had to break up with their partner or did they just not give it their all? Did they just not nurture their relationship enough?

‏‏Well, there’s all different levels of relationships. Sometimes, people will call me and say “Oh my god, I’m so heartbroken. I broke up with this guy.” I’m like, “How long has it been?” They’re like, “It’s only been four months.” I’m like wow, the level of their pain shouldn’t be as dramatic as it was. When you were talking about did it not work out, it depends on what kind of situation. There’s all different kinds of levels of divorce. There’s people that have been together for years and years and years and then suddenly you lose the sizzle and you’re divorced and you’re in shock. There’s people that go through breakups and they’re in shock because they’ve never been single. You could be in your 40s and 50s and your kids are grown and now all of a sudden you’re in a whole new dating world, those are the people that I reinvent. And then there’s the single parent-people that all of a sudden are single parents, that’s a whole situation dealing with heartbreak as you’re parenting. And then, there’s people that I talk to that have been in dead end relationships, not unmarried but they were afraid to be alone. I call it the stayed too long phase, and then suddenly the other person just comes and says you know what, I’m done, I’m breaking up. They’re like what, we’ve been together for ten years. But when they really go back and look, they were really never fully in it. They were never really fully in the relationship. People will come to me and say I was with my boyfriend or girlfriend for ten years and then suddenly it wasn’t working out. I’m like come on, let’s get real. Let’s go back and look, were you really happy? Were you really there, were you 100% in? Most of them say they knew it wasn’t right but they were too scared to move on because they hear how hard it is to date. I find that people stay in relationships or when they do finally break up, I help them not to necessarily just feel all this pain, I help them to look at the pattern that created them to go out with who they were with anyway. A lot of times, I’m honest, I knew because I have 28 years worth of journals downstairs, every guy that I may have said that I was hurt from, I would know usually before I even dated him that he was not going to be a good choice.

‏‏Wow. So you just ignored the sign? That’s what people usually do, they ignore.

‏‏Most people ignore the signs because they’re lonely or because they’re on top of the break up. When people break up, the first mistake that they make is they run out and their girlfriends will all say you should get back online and take all those pictures off of Facebook, screw him, blah blah blah, go get drunk and get laid. They have all these books that say the ten things you need to do when you break up, I’m saying wait a second, before you do that and create a new jerk to get over, a lot of times women will go out and meet a really nice guy and sometimes the hurt guys because they’re in a phase where they just want to play and they’re out there having a screw buddy in the meantime guy or whatever you want to call them. They’ll take up six months of their life with that person instead of really looking at the underlying issue of why it didn’t work out with the last guy. It’s really good to do an examination so you can see if you have a block to love. When you’re an attractive person, I think I’m decent looking.

‏‏You are beautiful. You are a foxy lady, gorgeous.

‏‏Aww, thank you. I’m not trying to fish for compliments but, well, it’s easy to pull in a lover but pulling in a husbandly man when your heart is broken, sometimes you’re vulnerable. Ladies out there, if you’re in the middle or waking up from a breakup, it’s a wake up call for you to look at you, not just blame a guy. You picked the guy. Where did you pick him from? What energy were you then? When you met somebody, were you all the way ready? People go, “I took classes, I felt like I was ready, and then I met a guy,” and I said, “But how fast did you get involved?” He was saying this and that and this and that and promising the world. I’m like honey, if you jump into a relationship quick, that’s a part of the pattern that you need to work on because most wonder women want to close a relationship like a deal. It’s not a business deal, this is your heart you’re talking about.

‏‏It sounds really familiar from my life experience. When I met my fiancé, we were at a Tony Robbins seminar. When we met, we were vibrating on a higher level. I feel like we met after we shed a lot of masks. We did a huge internal work for a whole week, a very intense week. And then, nine days after we met, he proposed to me on a hot air balloon in Vegas. He was like my dream man. At that moment when he proposed, I was like wow, I can really see a future with this guy, I really like him. We actually said I love you to each other within the first 24 hours breaking all the love rules but I said no, I said not yet. I said not yet and then we spent another 20 awkward minutes in a hot air balloon. I didn’t have any escape route because I was in the air. It was good, it was good to make sure that he’s the right guy and he will propose again if he really wants me.

‏‏I felt the same charge when I met my husband when I was 22. I met him and I had a feeling I would marry him. I am an intuitive person. When I meet people almost like when I met you, it’s like an energy. We were on the same frequency kind of, we hit it off right away. It’s the same thing with friends, it’s the same thing with business, things that come up. You either feel it or you don’t. I felt it then and then I moved away and did my business. He used to see me on television and in books and in the paper. In little towns, they always write big articles about people that are in Hollywood for some reason. He followed my path, I see he got married twice. When we met again, we still felt that same magical feeling that you’re talking about. This is what women and men, we all fantasize about having that spark. Both of you are highly evolved teachers. When you are a Wonder Woman, most of us have a mission that we’re on. We’re on a mission, we have a high priority to help whatever. It could be with food, it could be nutrition, it could be whatever these coaches and a lot of these entrepreneurial authors, speakers, and people that are really in the mix of society to make a difference. One of the things they say is oh my god, I can’t find somebody at my level. You and your now fiancé, you both were on a mission, you were in a place that was helping you advance your soul to a new level and you connected. It’s the same thing with me, I really had done all the work that I teach in my book but the key that was different was taking a look at my own pattern of having a mistrust factor in my psyche, in my unconscious, that blocked me from allowing a really amazing man to love me the way that your sweetheart loves you. Stephan, when I talked to him on his show, we talked all about sacred love and everything. It’s really because he did the work, you did the work separately and then you go to an advanced course like Anthony Robbins, which I’ve studied all of his stuff and I am a NLP practitioner certified and all that. I love that work because those integrations that he speaks of, if you’ve taken NLP training, one of the things that happens with busy successful people is we’re driven by something that drives us to do what we do. Sometimes, we get lonely. That little girl or little boy part of us gets lonely and we want that charge, that feeling, that charge that you get from romance. If you go out with somebody and they have that charge and you feel like oh my god, sometimes women surrender their body and their spirit and their soul too soon to the wrong person. I did that.

Sometimes women surrender their body and their spirit and their soul too soon to the wrong person. Click To Tweet

‏‏I did that too.

‏‏Why did you do it? I just want to know. What made or drove you do it?

‏‏It was exactly what you described, the little girl, the need for love. I was really charmed by my ex but it was that exact place of oh, I really want love and he looks like the perfect guy so it’s going to be amazing. You get away from reality, more into the fantasy, and the chemical attraction.

‏‏That’s why if you feel, like when I met my husband, and if any of you want to see this hot man and read our love story, you can go to reneepiane.com. He’s a super attractive man. When I saw him the first time, he used to be the Mega Man in his 30s, his body was on the bottle of the Mega Man vitamins for GNC. He’s a handsome guy but he is a family guy and he’s an East Coast guy, he does what he says he’s going to do. He’s just a really good guy. I knew the chemical attraction that we had for each other was over the moon. We met on a blue full moon, just over the top. We both are very sensuous people, Italian, we have a lot of passion for life. All the things that I had written down and visualized and spoke about of what I wanted in a person. Moreover, he was a family man and he just kept his word. How did I know over time that he was going to be what I wanted, he was in the middle of a divorce. Here I was, a love designer attracting a man that had said that he would never get married again because his heart was broken from feeling like a failure in his second marriage. When you’re dating and you have a broken heart, it’s an opportunity for you to grow. It’s not just being hurt, it’s part of you that allowed you to accept less that you really wanted or you weren’t looking at the real picture really a lot of times. When you look at it, in NLP they call it perceptual positioning. If you looked at the movie of the last jerk that just hurt you, if you were a fly in the room looking at your old relationship with this person, can you honestly say to me that you thought he was really aligned with who you are?

‏‏Yeah, probably not. At that moment, I convinced myself, but probably not. I totally get it.

‏‏When you’re hooked into the sex and the chemicals are going off on a regular basis, he is meth. He’s like meth to you. Because you’re busy and you’ve got all this stuff going on and then you get a warning sign like he doesn’t show up for something important that you did or he was selfish of something and then you’re like wait a second, the signs were all there. When I take a person through a healing of their heart, a lot of times it helps them to heal that part of them that picked him, not all of them. You knew, if you really were honest, and I make people do introspective work. If you were really honest, didn’t you know? When you were with him before you met Stephan, your love of your life, how much of you knew that he wasn’t right, if you were honest?

‏‏I feel like I was blind and I just pushed down all the warning signs. As time progressed, the percentage increased.

‏‏Right. That’s an honest answer. But then once a person, when people call me, usually they are shaken up, breaking up, or waking up from something. They’re in the middle of something. I always say okay, when people call me for a consultation, I go, “Tell me your situation.” They go there was this guy, I met him on Match and blah blah blah, and he was saying all the right things. We made plans and we were talking and talking, and then we met, he flew in for the weekend and then he stayed at a hotel. But one thing led to another, and then four weeks later he’s come back or I went up there, and then two weeks later he just disappeared. What happened? They’re broken hearted. I’m like why would you just jump into something with words on a paper and an internet and a few phone calls? Aren’t you more valuable than that? Because you’re lonely, because you’re frisky or you’re sexual, a lot of these women that I meet are so beautiful. I meet them at conferences, I speak at all these conferences. They’re like how did you find your husband, what did you do? They want me to tell them really fast in five minutes because they don’t want to do the inner work and they’re too busy to do it. They have to slow down to take a look at the part of them. There’s parts. They frigging fight you, right?

‏‏Yes.

‏‏You’re in bed with this guy and you just did some crappy thing and he was four hours late and lied, or whatever he did. I had men lie to me and it’s all in my book. I wrote stories about men, and this is the funniest story. One of the stories was a man that I dated. He was 29, I was 31. I was shooting a television show, it was How To Pick Up People At The Gym. He met me and chased me. He was an old school East Coast Italian. I dated him on and off for three years with every bad warning sign in the book. I was so addicted to him because of the chemistry that I wasted some of my most beautiful years with a man that was lying to me the whole time. He was courting a woman in Philly while he was dating me and I found out on Christmas Eve that he had another girlfriend because he got drunk in front of his whole family. The whole story is in my book. When I got the heartbreak that night on Christmas night back in 1992, I’ll never forget it, it was the year of the earthquake, or 1994. I can’t remember if it was 1992 or 1994. I was doing a television show at the time, men across America, interviewing Men around the country. He was intimidated. He considered me his temporary person while he was telling me that he was my one and only and he had a virgin from Italy waiting for him in Philadelphia. He was flying back and forth to court another woman the whole time that we were together.

‏‏That is sickening.

‏‏And then he married her and then called me on his wedding day and said, “I think I’m making the biggest mistake of my life.” I told him, if he’s listening or anybody out there listening that knows this jerk, I’m going to write about you in my book because if you are with a man that is half assed in a relationship and your heart is ripped out while you’re dating him, you need to run. Listen to the higher part of yourself and don’t stay with him. I would go for months, we would break up and I would be ripped apart. I found all of my journals saying I know he wasn’t right for me but I can’t resist him, I cannot resist the chemistry just like you with your guy. He would call and sing Unforgettable, that’s what you are. Then, he’d come over with flowers, and then we would be in bed, and the next thing you know I’m seeing him again. He’s a jerk, he never committed but I never said if you ever want to see me again we have to make a commitment. I wasn’t asking for what I needed, I was mesmerized by the chemistry and his bullshit. Women that call me have this. If you have a guy that you feel has bullshit factor of over 20% then just walk away. You’re dating somebody that is a bad boy. In my book, I have a whole thing about bad boys. I’m going to do a whole Get Real About Love class about bad boys because they love to find women that are vulnerable and that say it doesn’t matter if we fool around for a little while because I’m busy right now. Then, three months go by and you call me heartbroken because you invited him to your cousin’s wedding and he forgot and went away with his buddies to Morocco with some other girl or whatever. You’re surprised? You didn’t set it up very well. Women that are powerful, as powerful as they are and they think that they can act like a man and just get laid and not get attached, I think 90% of them are full of themselves unless they don’t want a relationship at all.

‏‏I’m going to agree with you about that. I feel like energetically we’re more sensitive than guys, it’s just the way we’re wired. What will be your advice for somebody who’s going through a break up right now? Should they call their partner, should they take time off, what should they do? Should they make a list?

‏‏I think that when you first break up, I’m actually coaching about four people right now that are in the middle of a break up. It’s funny that we’re doing this now because men, it’s the gentleman who has been on and off with a woman. What he does is always go back and try to justify why it happened and then they end up having lunch, they sleep together, they’ve gotten back together four times when he knows in the long run that this woman is really not healthy enough to be with. He is a rescue person and likes to rescue people. If you are a female and you’re going through a break up, first of all you need to get real about the amount of time you were with this person. What happens is sometimes when you do quick relationships like a lot of people that call me, I swear people are rushing to find love. I ran Rapid Dating and I used to put people together in five minute dates. Many of them got married, I’ve been responsible for thousands of marriages. Many people, especially busy successful men and women, they rush into love for the feeling without having no foundation. Get real and do an evaluation, don’t put the blame like if a guy disappears or he had promised you the world, this is the biggest one that I get a lot. I went online, I was dating him, he said he wanted a commitment and was looking for long term marriage. Where did he go? We got together, I met his friends, he met some of my friends. It looked as if things were headed in one direction and then suddenly he called and said right now I’m not ready for a blah, blah, blah, or I’m not ready for all of this. Isn’t that what you hear from your friends?

Many people, especially busy successful men and women, they rush into love for the feeling without having no foundation. Get real and do an evaluation.

‏‏Yeah, absolutely.

‏‏I say okay, let’s do an evaluation of how the relationship got set up. How did you set it up? Was it a casual thing? Were you assuming that because he wrote that on his profile that he meant that was you? That doesn’t mean anything to a man. Men know what to say to make a woman drop their panties, men know what to say, especially men that dynamic wonder women are attracted to. They’re like I have to have a strong dynamic business man that knows what he wants and he’s clear and he’s ready for love and blah, blah blah. I’m like wait a second, these guys don’t want to be interrogated on a date, get to know him over time. Get to know these types of guys. The guys that lock down a woman for marriage, they know themselves, they know what they’re looking for. If they’re looking for fun and you become one of their fun in between girls, that’s what you become because you allow that to happen to yourself.

‏‏Is that the same advice you’ll give a man who’s going through a breakup?

‏‏Well, this particular guy is a very high powered businessman, he lives in Boston. He met a girl who had her walls up. That’s why it’s important for women and men, if you’ve been heart broken, now your wall gets big. If you don’t evaluate what you’ve done and get real with your own heart about how it was set up and what made you find this person and asking yourself the questions, I have a whole bunch of questions. You got to get a wake up journal. I say get up in the morning, all this stuff that’s in your head, I can’t believe he left me, I can’t believe this happened. He promised me blah, blah blah. Write down everything that’s in your mind because it’s eating away at you. And then you’re going to call your friends who said last month you told me he lied, last week you told me that he didn’t show up for the important meeting that you had invited him to with such and such or whatever. You are only remembering usually the happy things about the relationship and not the reality. I always say to people, write down all the really wonderful things about him or her and all the shitty things about him, the crappy things that you’re kind of avoiding. Oh my god, he was romantic and he had a beautiful home and he was successful but he was narcissistic, he had signs of being uncommitted. When they really start to look at it as if they were evaluating it from the outside of the relationship looking down on the reality of how it was, sometimes it takes some of the sting away. What we do as women, if you’ve been hurt before especially, it triggers all the other heartbreaks that you had. Even if you only dated somebody for three months, if you had been hurt before whether you dated somebody in high school and then they left and dumped you in college, then you met another guy and then he ended up not wanting to marry you when you had plans or you thought you were getting married. You have four or five of what I call love loop of situations where you got hurt. Sometimes, your pain that you’re having on the break up that you’re currently in, this is really important, is being triggered by the other eight times that somebody hurt you. Your reaction to this break up could be an unconscious feeling of unworthiness of bringing up all the pain from Bob, Steve, Johnny, Giovanni, all the names. Oh, and then there was Stefano from Paris. These women and men, when I make them do an evaluation, they usually are upset because it happened ten times. Now, they’re over amplifying the pain of a short breakup.

‏‏What do you do after you evaluate?

‏‏Then, you have to look at what you did, how you set it up. You look at how you evaluated, what do you think caused it? What did you learn from it? What did you learn about yourself from this relationship and about your partner? A lot of times, they say well at first he seemed really cool but then I went to his house and he lives like a slob. I always say to women when they tell me how long they’ve met somebody, I say, “Well did you meet his friends?” They said no, I said, “Did you ever go to his office or find out where he worked?” No. “Do you even know anything about his family?” They’re like not yet, we were supposed to meet his family but he promised that in the beginning. And then I said, “So you didn’t meet his friends, you never went to find out where he works, how soon was it that you slept with him?” They said we went on our first date and we were up all night talking, we made out. The second date, we da, da, da. I kind of do an evaluation of how quickly they got involved without knowing very much about somebody.

‏‏So they evaluate, they learn the lessons. How do they make sure that this pattern is not going to repeat and show up in the next guy or girl that they’re dating?

‏‏Well, they have to be honest with their heart about are they still healing from something that’s an imprint in their heart about what they deserve. That’s the deepest part of it. You have to look at who you were when you attracted that. A lot of times when people go underneath the belly of the whole thing, they say well actually I was kind of vulnerable at the time and I just fell into it. It’s the pattern that they need to look at so that they can be gentle and loving with themselves instead of saying it was me, I’m not pretty enough, maybe I wasn’t smart enough. They doubt themselves and then go down the negative hole of sadness because they’re really feeling that the person didn’t value them. How can a person really know you and value you when they jumped right in? That’s why you went on the balloon and said no even though you and Stephan…

‏‏I had to break the pattern.

‏‏You were smart because you thought well, I already feel I love him. This is what I said to my husband. I felt like I loved you when I was 22 years old and I still feel the same charge when I’m around you. The way he talks, the way he hugs, the way he smells, the way he communicates with people. I just love the way he is with people, family, love. I said I want to know your soul. What you need to do is touch your own heart and say guess what little Susan, guess what little Renee, guess what whatever your name is, I have learned from this and I’m going to protect you and take care of you without all this bitterness because you don’t want to bring another level of wall or pain to your next relationship. You need to look at the patterns and where the core of your pattern comes from. Even if you never talk to me as a coach, you definitely should read my book because it takes you through the steps that I did and spent thousands of dollars to learn as a practitioner, I’m a clinical hypnotherapist, and went to school for Psychology. I wanted to study because I went to therapy for years and I would say to the therapist I already know I had an unavailable dad, I already know that my aunts and cousins all married philanderers and went back, and I saw bad role models. Look at who your role models were.

‏‏Hypnotherapy is a very important tool. I interviewed a hypnotherapist on one of the shows. I believe in hypnotherapy and I think I read a statistic, I’m not exactly right with it. It says that six hours of hypnotherapy equals 900 hours of conventional therapy. What’s your thought about that?

‏‏The interesting thing about hypnotherapy and neurolinguistics, NLP training, and all of the tapping. What I’m tapping into, I have to say I work with a lot of therapists so I wouldn’t want to upset the apple card on therapists because there’s some fabulous therapists who combine a lot of that with the traditional therapy.

‏‏Yeah, I’m talking about completely traditional-I go to a therapist myself. She’s amazing. She’s a psychiatrist but she also does shamanism, she does EMDR, she does a lot of things.

‏‏You’re blessed that you have that type of therapist. When I was going to therapy to heal little Renee, I said what am I going to do with this part of myself that keeps sabotaging myself? She’s like we’ll talk about it next week. It was always about me telling about the history without coming up with actions, actual step by step plan, to get over the pattern that I had. Hypnotherapy and all these type of trainings, and even in my work in this book, many of the doctors that wrote accolades for the book or testimonials said that the key to this is working with the parts of you that aren’t integrated to go in one direction. Hypnotherapy helps you to do that because your unconscious mind stores the memories in your cells, in your brain, as they happen. If you had, unfortunately most of us that have break up patterns, a lot of women that I meet, and men, they have the pattern of doing the same love loop. I call it a love loop where they pick the same type of person because in their unconscious mind they’ve been programmed a certain way. In my sessions, I uncover what that was and then we go in and it’s like re-installing a computer. You take off all the bad programing and reprogram but it takes time to do that. Only until every single person has different-they’re imprints but they’re really proclamations. My proclamation when I was the young girl after seeing my aunts, I was six years old and this is in my book. I hid behind the wall, my bedroom was above the Italian kitchen. Like Israeli families, like Persians, Latino families, all the Latina type of families, everybody comes to one person’s house in the kitchen and they talk about all the crap that’s going on. There was crying, infidelity, and then my grandparents lived downstairs and my aunt came over and her husband had just left her with four children with his mistress. I had my little Barbie and Ken and I was on the stairs listening to her say what am I going to do, I’m going to have to starve myself because I don’t have a job, I’m going to have to work because he took off with this woman. I have the house, oh my god, she was crying and crying. She said, “I don’t know what I’m going to do!” And then my grandma came upstairs and she heard the crying. She says, “Well, they’re all liars and they’re all bastards. You can’t trust men, you have to go and make your own money and you’re going to have to go and suffer now. You’ll see.” My other aunts came and they all started pitching into the conversation. Those conversations were repeated to me over and over every week when they came to my mom’s house.

‏‏That was a blessing and a curse. A blessing because you did become an independent woman but then you have this dialogue happening in the background. “Men are…”

‏‏Little Renee had a lot of proof, she had a lot of proof that it was true because first I heard it and then I felt that’s not true, that’s not true, that’s not what Cinderella is. The Prince is coming, man, he’s coming to find me and I’m going to live happily ever after. I’m going to get swept up in the castle. Nobody tells you what happens after you get to the castle. My little heart kept getting hurt. Interestingly enough, any of you that are listening, I have five other brothers and sisters. None of them ever heard what I heard or saw what I saw, and my five other brothers and sisters all got married and I did not until I was in my 40s.

‏‏We definitely have selective memories. How do you heal a broken heart for somebody whose loved one passed away and they can’t go on dates anymore? They’re stuck in that.

‏‏That’s so interesting. I have a story about that in my book. I believe that souls, although they pass, when a person comes to me sometimes I even get messages from the other side because I have been seeing people from my lineage throughout my life even as a child. I was told not to tell anybody that when I was young, as it turns out in my family it’s kind of a gift that has gotten passed from generation to generation. In my work, I truly believe that the people that you’ve been with, when they do pass, they’re there watching over you and protecting you. Although they pass, if you really look at all the love that you had for so many years, it takes time to heal because the person was ripped away from you quickly like my mother was from my father. My mom died suddenly, my father was torn apart because he was healing from losing her and also from some of the guilt of some things that had happened between them but they stayed together through thick and thin. It took my daddy even years to heal his own heart from my work, I helped him a lot to see all the beautiful memories that they had. If you’re healing from someone passing, if you look at it from the spiritual perspective, you can count all the blessings and then ask for their blessing if it is meant for you to even have a friend. You do not have to remarry again, many women would call me and say I feel like I’m cheating on my husband or my wife if I meet someone. Normally, I ask them if you had discussed it before they passed. It all depends on the culture and the religious beliefs that you have from your culture. My aunt for example, my aunt Carmela, as a matter of fact she just called me this morning. Her story is in the book, she was married three times and she was one of my role models, the one that came to the house. I wrote her whole story and she never knew until she read my book that her crying was one of the influences that stopped me from finding someone. We talk about it quite a bit. Anyway, she got married when she was 16, had four children, got hurt, and then never wanted to marry again. I was 11 years old when she met her second husband who was a policeman, he used to come to my father’s restaurant where she worked. He fell in love with her and wanted to marry her but he was a single man, had never married anyone. He fell in love with my aunt. She said what would you want with a woman with four kids? Anyway, they got married and my uncle and I became very close. He used to take us on dates. She was with him for 25 years. In her late 50s, he got cancer and she took care of him as he passed from lung cancer. They had to cut out half of his throat, half of his face was missing. She took care of him for three years and I went to see him. I was filming then across America in the East Coast at the time and I stayed there and I got to see him. My uncle asked me to promise him that I would help my aunt find love. I said, “Uncle Jimmy, how am I going to do that? I live in California.” He said, “I’m going to send her someone, because she needs to be with someone and I want you to help her open her heart again after I’m gone.” He gave me his wedding ring and he knew that was the year that Mario hurt me, the man I dated, and he said if you ever date another man like that, I am going to haunt you. Anyway, what happened was, interestingly enough, he gave me the ring on his finger and said, “Someday when you meet your husband, I want you to use the gold from my ring for your wedding so that my love will be passed to you,” which I thought was very beautiful. He goes, “My soul wants Aunt Carmela to find somebody so I’m going to send her someone from heaven.” Okay, then you go through the funeral and my aunt was very sad. I used to call her all the time and I told her that Uncle Jimmy told me that and she said, “There’s no way that I’m ever going to fall in love again.” I said, “Well, you never know, Aunt Carmela, because he told me he’s sending someone to you.” Anybody listening, this is a true story. Six months after he died, I told her that she needed to start going out. She went out with my parents, my mother was alive at the time, and they went to an Italian American club dinner. She ran into a man that she knew from high school who was also divorced, he was divorced for ten years and here she was single. He had fallen in love with her when he was 20, he thought she was the most beautiful woman. She was with her first husband at the time so he couldn’t pursue it. Here, 40 years later ladies, she runs into a man who always had a crush on her. He asked her to go to dinner. That night, there was music so he asked her to dance. When he held her on the dance floor, apparently she felt what she calls, she had the stirring. Isn’t that cute? Anyway, she called me the next day and she said, “Renee, I think Uncle Jimmy might’ve sent somebody.” I said, “What happened?” She told me the whole story, my mom and dad encouraged her to come and that she danced with this man. She said, “He’s the exact same size as Jimmy, he’s a big man with big broad shoulders, and he smells so good. I feel so guilty to even think about the stirring after Jimmy being gone only six months.” She said he couldn’t hug me or hold me because he was so sick and I’m lonely and I really miss having a man hold me. I said, “What’s so wrong with dating? Just take your time.” Anyway, the happy ending is that I asked her to ask for a sign. Anybody out there that’s going through a death of your partner, I would highly suggest that you pray to them to ask you for a sign that would be something that he or she would only send to you personally. Whether it’s a song, whether it’s something that only you would know, maybe a photo will drop down or a book will open, I don’t know but I have hundreds of people that have had signs. I asked my aunt to do the same. She got the sign three days later, this is very true. Jimmy, every morning, they had gotten birds that he would wind in the window in their kitchen every morning when he woke up. She had prayed to him asking for a sign and she heard the love birds twerping in the kitchen. There was no one home, okay? She heard them, tweet, tweet, tweet, at the same time that he would do it every morning. They were tweeting. She ran down into the kitchen, there was no one there. She went back up to put her makeup on to go to work and she heard them again. She ran down back into the kitchen and called me from the kitchen. She said, “Renee, I think I found the sign, I can feel him here.” I said, “What was it?” She said, “Love birds, what do you think it means?” I said, “He wants you to be free like a bird, to love. Love bird.” She gave herself the permission slip to open her heart to love again and found her fabulous husband. She is 83 years old today. She has been with him for 20 years.

‏‏Oh wow. I love that. Thank you for that beautiful story. We are at the end of our time, so, it’s just so beautiful, you are so wise and wonderful with your stories. Before we-just, very quickly, three fast tips for living a Stellar Life, and where can people find you?

‏‏Living a stellar life. Number one, make sure that you are treating your heart the way you want others to treat you is number one. To really take care of your beautiful heart. Number two would be to get real about yourself and the parts of you that might be doubting love if you’re going through a heartbreak or a disappointment with a man or woman that you’re dating. Really get real with yourself and take the time to do an honest evaluation. Love is the most important choice you’re ever going to make. Really go deep into the work so that you can really find extraordinary love. Then, the next would be to be really, really clear on your vision. and to find role models that have the kind of love you want. Believe me, when I started to look for role models in LA, it’s different than other places. I found amazing couples like you two, you little love birds over there, you guys are becoming role models for people to have extraordinary love with two dynamic people that get together to create a vision to really help the planet and do it together. I know most of the women out there that talk to me, they say I have to have somebody that can handle me. It’s all the way that you vision about your life with somebody and finding someone, whether it’s me or you, or whoever you decide to work with, you should work with somebody that has the kind of love that you want to emulate, that you want to follow. I really do believe it now that I’ve been married for 11 years, I talked about it with your husband on his podcast, that extraordinary love should be your goal. If it is, are you really being honest with how you’re setting it up? Those would be my tips on how to live a super dynamic, extraordinary life. I think what you’re doing is fabulous. If anybody wants to contact me, I’d be happy to give some of your callers, the first ten people to call me, a free mini consultation to see where they’re at and see what they might need. You can also go to my website, reneepiane.com, you can get my book from there, you can do 90 minute evaluation just to see, you’ll get my book and me for 90 minutes. It’s a great price, just so I can evaluate what you’re doing to see if I might be able to help you heal your heart or help you get back in the game of love if you’re ready. I teach all sorts of fun classes and I’m going to be having lots of events coming up in September. As a matter of fact, I’m doing an event called Awaken on September 12 for four weeks with two other people. One’s a divorce attorney and one is a coach that works with busy wonder women that have kids, and I’m the singles expert to help men and women get back in the game of love after a breakup. You should check that out, it’s going to be popped up very soon. We’re just finishing all the dynamics on the internet now. I’m here to help anybody that is really ready to create extraordinary love and design a step by step plan to heal your heart or to get back in the game of love. Just call me or go get my Five Trade Secrets To Finding The Love Of Your Life, it’s free. I have all sorts of free little gifts up on my site too. I’m just grateful for you to let me share some of these stories, the book itself is full of true stories from all my clients who got real about love and opened their hearts again to love. Trust your gut, trust yourself because it’s really important.

Love is the most important choice you’re ever going to make. Really go deep into the work so that you can really find extraordinary love. Click To Tweet

‏‏Yes, thank you so much for being so kind and open. Thank you so much listeners for listening. Until next time, evaluate, learn the lessons, be honest with your heart so you can lead a stellar life. Thank you!

Links and Resources Mentioned

About Renee Piane

Renee Piane, the Love Designer is a master at connecting people and a pioneer in the dating industry. She’s been an internationally known love and relationship reinvention expert for the last 25 years. In 2014, Renee was the winner of The Best International Dating Coach at the I Date conference. As the pioneer and president of Rapid Dating, she has facilitated thousands of love matches and connections with her love seminars and social events. She is a popular radio and television talk show host, guest expert and love advice columnist.

 

 

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