How to Attract Love and Keep It with Mat Boggs

A Personal Note From Orion

If you’re still waiting to meet the love of your life, don’t fret. With just a few mindset shifts, you’ll be meeting the man of your dreams in no time. And the first rule of order is to love yourself.

In this episode, I am joined by Mat Boggs to talk about some excellent relationship advice that can help anyone discover their strengths and gifts to attract the best kind of love.

Mat has dedicated his life to increasing Love in the world, one heart at a time. Mat has co-authored the best-selling book, Project Everlasting: Two Bachelors Discover the Secrets of America’s Greatest Marriages.

Mat has helped women globally to understand the hearts and minds of men, create breakthroughs in love, and attract the relationship they want. So if you’re waiting for Mr. Right, don’t miss out!

In This Episode

[01:14] – Orion introduces Mat Boggs. He has helped women globally to understand the hearts and minds of men, create major breakthroughs in love, and attract the relationship they want.
[04:56] – Mat tells the story of how he decided to go on a retreat after his ex-girlfriend, who he was madly in love with, broke up with him.
[11:22] – Mat describes his journey of exploring and understanding the process of self-acceptance and love.
[17:57] – Mat gives unpopular advice to women who lost their desire for love.
[22:20] – Mat talks about an interesting story of how a woman was able to find love and got married despite her not being able to see his partner in person right away because of the travel lockdown due to COVID.
[27:01] – Orion shares the true meaning of surrender based on her own experience when looking for love.
[32:17] – Orion and Mat talk about how your masculine and feminine energy affects how you attract a significant other.
[38:35] – What’s the first thing you need to do before you look for love?
[44:18] – Mat shares a story of a woman aged 69, who thought she wouldn’t be able to find somebody for her, ended up meeting a guy and got married to him, proving that everything is possible.
[49:02] – Visit BraveThinkingInstitute.com to learn more about transforming your life, health, career, and relationships, and visit CrackingTheManCode.com to get a free Self-Love Activation Kit.

Jump to Links and Resources

About Today’s Show

Hey Mat, and welcome to Stellar Life Podcast. It’s an honor and a pleasure having you here with us. I’m very excited about our conversation today. I’m sure it’s gonna help a lot of people.

Well, it’s good to be with you, Orion.

Before we begin, can you please share a little bit about yourself and your passion?

Absolutely. I believe that it’s important just as much as what we’re learning as who we’re learning from, and I always gravitate towards people who are passionate about what they do and the reasons behind what they do. And teaching people about love and helping them attract the relationship that they want is what I’ve dedicated my life to. I feel like it’s my purpose and my passion in life. My mission is to increase love in the world, one heart at a time. Because, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how much money you have in the bank account. It doesn’t matter how many accolades you’ve achieved in your life, the followers, or the books, or the houses, or the cars, or the clothes, or any of that stuff. When we graduate from this planet, when we lay our head down on the pillow for the last time, we can’t take any of that stuff with us. The only thing you can take with you is the love that you have in your heart, the memories you’ve created, the moments you’ve built with those that you love. As people are on their final day, that’s what they talk about. Almost everybody wants more time with the people they love.

Also, the greatest pain that we have in life. I’ve had some major injuries in my life. I’m a college athlete. No matter how much pain I went through playing football, that pain paled in comparison to the emotional pain that I’ve experienced in love, in relationships, going through a breakup. That pain is the worst, pain of the heart is the absolute worst pain. So really dedicating my life to helping people alleviate the emotional pain, the pain of loneliness, the pain of rejection, the fear of getting out there, and helping people find someone with whom they can share their life and create those amazing moments. Deep, rich experiences of life, that’s what I’m passionate about. And quite frankly, because it was born out of my pain, my frustration, my feeling of hopelessness – no matter what I was doing.

I grew up in a personal development family. So I was reading books, I was taking classes, and no matter what I was doing, I could not find the person that I wanted to be with. I would go on dates, I have lots of dates and whatnot. But it was just something that was always missing. Either they liked me and I wasn’t into them, or I was into them and they weren’t into me. It was like always this missing each other place that I was, I finally found this woman that I was so in love with and she claimed to be in love with me. She ended up breaking up with me and it just crushed my heart like it exploded my heart into a million pieces. I was so sad, so devastated.

The journey of opening your heart begins with accepting yourself for who you are- flaws and all. Click To Tweet

So I decided to go to this retreat. This was like the catalyst moment that changed my life. I was in this week-long retreat. It’s day four, and there were a hundred of us there. There are 50 men and 50 women, and all the guys were sitting in these chairs in one long row. And the women are all standing in front of us. And the facilitator tells us we’re going to play a game. She goes, “All right, you guys, we’re gonna play this game. It’s called the island game. And the point of this game is to give honest, real feedback. Gentlemen, you have a clipboard in your hand with a piece of paper, all of you have pens. Your job is to simply count the number of yes votes you get, and the number of no votes that you get. Ladies, here’s your job. I’m going to ask you this question. If the guy in front of you was the last man to choose from on the planet, would you want him on a deserted island with you? Or would you prefer to be alone?”

Wow.

Yeah. “It’s not based on your attraction. It’s based on his being that he has shown up over these last four days.” So these women got really uncomfortable as you can imagine. They were like, “Oh my gosh, I’m gonna have to vote on these guys.” They were supposed to go down the line and vote on every one of us. And our job was to tally our number of yes and no vote. So the women started to go down the line, and they would vote yes, no, yes, no. And they finally got through the whole process. When they were done, the facilitator said, “All right, gentlemen, I want you to tally your votes, and stand up and order yourself. On the far right, I want the guy who has the most yes votes, all the way down to the guy who’s the most no votes on the far left.” So we started to order ourselves. When we all took our spot in line, I was second to last with the most yes votes. I had the second most no votes in the entire group of men. And I was so embarrassed by that result, I was so shocked. But I did not think in that group of guys, I would be second to last, maybe in the middle somewhere, maybe towards the front a little bit. Like I thought I had shown up nice, I was kind, I felt like I was approachable. And yet, this was my result.

So the beauty of that, Orion, was that, so often in life, we think that we’re outside of the cause of the result, that it’s out there. The reason I’m not finding love is just there weren’t any good women. There weren’t any good women in my town. There weren’t any good women on the sites I was on. Or maybe it was just timing, I got to wait longer. I felt like I was outside the cause of the result I was experiencing. I couldn’t find love in my regular life. And here I was in this completely separate experience, in this completely separate activity. Yet it was with women giving me feedback on how I’ve been showing up and I’m voted second to last. Somehow I’m at the core of the result that I’m creating. That was my awareness at that moment. I was like, “Holy moly.” That’s so true for all of us. We are at the core of the result that we’re creating. We’re 100% responsible for the experience we’re having inside of that result. And we can unpack that more as we go on. But the facilitator says, “Great, thank you, gentlemen, for ordering yourselves.” She was so smart. She was like, “Is there anyone here who’s surprised by where he’s standing?” So I very sheepishly raised my hand, and she’s like, “Okay, Mat. Ladies, anyone here wants to give Mat feedback on why they voted no?” And all these hands shot up?

“Let me tell you, Mat, why we voted no.” I wanted to hear it because I was so fed up with the result in my love life that I was willing to endure the pain of feedback. Ken Blanchard will say, “Feedback is the breakfast of champions.” You want to grow, get some real feedback. You want to improve in your life, be honest with yourself about what’s going on and where things are. For me, there’s this great saying that, “You will change when the pain of where you are becomes greater than the pain of change.” So the pain of where I was in my love life was greater than that pain of change and hearing this feedback. So I was like, “Great, give it to me here. Let me hear this feedback.” And it was so incredible. I had such a blind spot. What they shared with me, I couldn’t even see it. That’s why you know, the work you do, Orion, being a coach for people is so important. We can’t coach ourselves. And every one of us has a blind spot. It’s like the saying, “You can’t see the picture when you’re the one in the frame.” You know, I’ve done all this reading, and I have done all this study, but it took people outside of myself to reflect back to me, where I needed to grow and change. And really what it was is they all said they felt like my heart was completely closed.

Oh, so what did you do to open your heart? What was the journey like?

Well, it wasn’t an easy journey, I’ll tell you that. But I went on a 12,000-mile journey around the United States of America to interview America’s greatest marriages and ask them, not only that question, “How do you open your heart?” But also, “How do you find and create an amazing love story?” So couples married over 40 years, we interviewed hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of couples to find that out. One of the things that was so incredible for me was the journey of really opening your heart begins with a journey of accepting yourself for who you are, flaws and all. I had synced this belief system that I had to look good and be perfect to be loved and accepted by others. So I wasn’t open, I wasn’t willing to be vulnerable, I wasn’t willing to let people see me, flaws and all. The irony of this is, I was keeping people away when what I wanted to do is connect. So I had up this looking good facade because I wanted to connect and I wanted them to accept me so I could experience that real connection. And yet, that was the looking good facade was what was pushing them away.

Being in a serious relationship with someone should be treated with the utmost respect.

So I had to shed that. I had to say, “You know what, I’ve got to love and accept myself enough so that it doesn’t matter if someone else loves or rejects me. Yeah, I want love. I want that connection. I want that acceptance. But the place that has to come from first is within.” As I began the process, the journey of understanding that was what was tough. But when I began to lean into it, loving yourself is way easier than it sounds. And accepting yourself is way easier than it sounds because you are connected. Every one of us is connected to a higher power that loves and accepts us fully. Where the very source of life is running through each one of us. So the presence of love is bigger than anything in our life. It’s bigger than any challenge that we’re facing. It’s bigger than any block that we have. And so there’s this whole process that we can explore at a different time, it’s probably not where we want to take this conversation.

But it’s essentially called meta acceptance, where you ask yourself, “Can I love and accept myself as I am right now?” Most often there are parts we love and parts we don’t love. And so the parts that we don’t love will say, “No, I’m not going to love and accept myself as I am right now. I don’t love and accept myself as I am right now.” And then you move up a layer and you say, “So I have resistance to loving myself. Can I love the resistance I have to love myself? Can I love and accept that I have resistance to loving and accepting myself?” And it almost only takes two or three layers before love becomes bigger than the resistance and like dominoes they all fall. And then you breathe into the feeling of love. Like everyone listening right now I invite you to just connect to your heart for just a moment. Connect to the idea that your heart is beating, hundreds of thousands of times this day. You won’t even ask it to beat but it beats for you. And right in the center of your heart is the presence of love. As you tune into that love you tuned into that acceptance for yourself.

Project Everlasting by Mathew Boggs and Jason Miller

And let it wrap around you and say, “As you are today, flaws and all. As you are today, success and all. As you are today, all the ways in which you’re brilliant and beautiful and have grown yourself. All the ways in which you have yet to grow and the mistakes you’ve made and all of that rapid giant wave and a blanket of love around yourself.” That beautiful healing loving energy. And notice any of the places in you that might be in resistance to that, to love that resistance because it’s just trying to protect you. And as you breathe into that and as you feel into that on a daily basis, it is like a muscle that sense of self-love and that sense of self-acceptance will become greater and greater and greater, become easier and easier and easier. And then you’re able to lead with an open heart. When I lead with an open heart, everything changed in my life. It wasn’t that I was careless. It wasn’t that I was naive in dating but I was just open. I ended up writing a book with my best friend about what we learned from these couples called Project Everlasting. At the last stop in the book tour, I ended up meeting my wife.

Wow.

Yeah, I was like, “Whoa, who is that? She’s amazing.” I went and talked to her. Ironically, she was not open to me in the very beginning. Normally, I would have been like, “Whatever,” and left. But because I was open and I was able to take rejection so much better because of the love and acceptance that I had. I just kind of stuck with her and pursued her over the course of a couple of days. She finally gave me her email address and then sparks began to fly. We’re coming up on our 10th anniversary this August.

That’s so beautiful. What an incredible story. What you focus on grows. You had in your mind, You had such a great desire. I think finding love to love starts with desire. A lot of times, especially with women, they hit a certain age and it becomes a project, it becomes a to-do list, it becomes an “I have to find love because the clock’s ticking.” So the desire is being deemed by logic. Like it’s not coming from a place of the heart. It’s coming from the place of the mind. As I said, it’s a to-do list, and “I’m going to find the guy. I’m going to marry him. I’m going to have kids with him because the clock is ticking. And now we have to do that.”

Right. That’s a very good point. Going from I want this to I need this.

Yeah. So what do you do for somebody who’s listening right now and they need to ignite their fire and ignite that pure desire of finding love without the pressure of the clock ticking without making it a project? What will be your advice?

In some interviews, I think it’s tempting to water some stuff down and give advice that’s going to be popular and advice that we know everyone will love and they’ll be able to take and use today.

Give me the unpopular advice. Give me the raw, real, juicy advice.

I don’t think a lot of people will like this. But here’s what it comes down to is you have to surrender to the possibility that it might not work out. So in other words, be at peace with whatever the outcome will be. Here’s why. In Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill wrote a lot about the law of attraction in that book. But what he talked about is whatever we deeply desire or fear, he called it whenever we revere or fear, we attract to us in our life. And people say, “If we fear something, why are we attracting into our lives?” That is because this universe doesn’t read our intention. It doesn’t read what we intend to do, it reads our attention where we’re placing our focus. Oftentimes, for people who are perpetually recreating the same discouraging result, their focus so much on what they don’t want, their focus so much about, “I don’t want to be single forever.” “I don’t want to miss out on having kids.” Or “I don’t want to be this or be that or be in a relationship that suffocating.” Or “I don’t want to attract another narcissist.” Or “I don’t want to whatever it is.” “I don’t want to get rejected.” “I don’t want to have my heart broken.”

They’re focused so much on what they don’t want out of fear. That’s what they perpetuate in their lives. They’re attracting, they’re in that vibration, they’re in that emotional state. They’re focused on it in their attention. That’s what they end up recreating. So then the question becomes, “How do you stop doing that?” Because it can be an obsession, a mental obsession, your mind just gravitates. We’re so afraid of getting heartbroken again. It’s just our mind goes there. The best way I’ve found to overcome that is to release it. In other words, you have to befriend the fear. Make friends with it, make peace with it. And you say, “Okay, you know what, there may be a situation where I don’t find that special someone. There may be a situation where I don’t have the kids. There may be a situation where that part of it doesn’t work out for me.” And then you say, “Okay, if that is my story, if that is going to be the outcome, then God and I, we’re going to figure it out, and we’ll be okay. And I’m going to create joy and happiness in my life. I’ll create peace in my life.”

And you create this alternative version that, yeah, it’s not your preference. It’s not what you want but you will be okay. And then what happens is because you’re okay, you’re able to be at peace and you’re able to release the fears, you’re able to release the negative outcomes that you don’t want. And now you’re able to fully focus all of your energy, all of your attention, all of your desire on what you do want on that amazing man, and you can hold it with an open hand rather than a clenched fist. You’re not so attached to it anymore. When you’re not attached to it, you’re less desperate, you’re less needy. And we as human beings can sense desperate energy, we can sense needy energy. It is highly unattractive, none of us like it. But when you’re in this place of, “Look, I would love this relationship or something even better still.” And you’re holding that vision with an open hand. That is when you begin to move energy.

I’ll give you a quick example of this. We’re talking about COVID, right? How this last year has been incredibly challenging for so many people, not the least imagine how do you date in COVID times? What I just want to remind people is that inside of every challenge is the seed of an equal or greater benefit. Yes, it’s challenging, but because it’s challenging, there are amazing opportunities inside of that challenge. There has to be the law of polarity. For up, there’s down. For left, there’s right. There’s hot, there’s cold. For the major challenge, there is a major benefit and equal or greater benefit. Right now, more people than ever before are online, trying to find love, record numbers of people are online. More people than ever before are assessing their life. We’ve been forced to slow down. When all of us are doing this thing and that thing in this club and hanging out with friends and going snowboarding or surfing or doing this club or that club. It’s like everything has been slowed way down. And people are reflecting and saying, “Okay, we have friends that are dying. People we know are dying. What matters at this moment?”

The pain of staying where you are and not doing anything about it is greater than the pain of change. Click To Tweet

And so many people are saying, “You know what, I want love, I want that special someone.” Men in record numbers are saying, “I don’t want to just screw around. I want to find something significant.” And so that possibility is out there for you. You can make it happen, make it work, or make it welcome, as we like to say. One example of this, it’s always good to have examples that help us connect to possibilities. There’s a woman named Charlotte, who I had the privilege of coaching, and she had to go through this. She was in her late 30s. The clock was ticking and all of this. She was giving up on love because she had so many years of bad relationships and things not working out. She was like, “Maybe it’s not going to work for me.” So we did some work, she did the releasing process. She made peace with whatever outcome, and then, reconnected to this desire, and said, “Now is my time, I’m going to decide for love in my life with an open hand.” And that day we did this process where she went up to this lookout and she drew a line in the sand and stepped across into this emotional process where she was able to reconnect to that part of herself.

That day, she goes home. And she had gotten online a couple of days before. She did not want to do online dating. She was completely against it. But she was connecting to possibilities. And she goes, “Okay, what if he’s looking for me on there?” does the line drawing. She gets home, that night there’s a message from a guy who is good-looking, who seems like got his stuff together, who’s got a good profile. It seems like he’s got values, she’s like, “Wow.” So she starts talking to him, and they immediately hit it off. And they’re connecting and they’re laughing and they’re having a blast. The only problem is COVID. She’s in Canada, he’s in the United States. There’s an international lockdown. With the travel ban, you can’t travel from one country to the other. So they have their first date. They figure it out. Their first day was a binocular date. They drove to Niagara Falls. She’s on the Canadian side.

Oh my god, seriously?

He’s on the US side. They brought binoculars, they’re on their cell phones. So they can see each other and he’s on a picnic table waving his hands. And then, they’re like, “How do we meet?” Well, there’s always a solution. There’s always a way. They figured out that while they couldn’t fly and be together, there were no restrictions on international waters. So they decided to rent kayaks. Neither one of them own a kayak, they rented a kayak, drove two hours, put into the water, and paddle to this spot that they had each decided we’re gonna meet up here in international waters. She gets to the spot first and she’s floating in the ocean. She sees around the bent. She sees this little speck in the ocean paddling towards her. And she’s like, “Oh my gosh, it’s him.” They both took their COVID test. They both knew they were negative. And they’ve now been talking for a couple of months. And so he paddles beeline straight for her. She said, “We didn’t even say hello. The moment our kayaks came together, we embraced and kissed, and our kayaks twirled in the waters. It was like a movie scene. It was the most amazing day.” A couple of weeks later, the travel ban gets lifted. This was right before the summer in May. And she was able to fly to New York and be with him. And they spent a few weeks together and kicked off the relationship anyway. Fast forward to today. They’re married and living the relationship that they both have dreamt of.

That’s a beautiful story. Wow.

Just as a reminder that it’s so easy to get discouraged. Discouragement is the cancer of hope. Hope and belief are essential. I wouldn’t even say hope but faith. Faith that you’re gonna find that person. Faith that it can happen for you. Faith that things can get better. Discouragement and despair are the cancer that erodes that faith. So you’ve got to hold on to the corner of your mind that’s connected to the possibility that in all the possibilities that exist in this universe, is there a possibility that you can find love during a pandemic? Well, hell yes, there’s that possibility. And as you get connected to that, you begin to open the doors to find that possibility in your life.

Wow. That’s an incredible story. I want to mention another thought about surrender. Because when I found the love of my life before I found him, I was out of an abusive relationship. And for a couple of years, I, maybe three years, I got myself strong, physically really strong. I used to lift weights like the guys and I was kind of tough and in my masculine. Everything in life was, “How can I not get hurt?” Everything in life was, “How can I prove that I’m strong?” Everything in life was like, “I can do it.” So the relationship was the same thing. It was a lot of pushing, not allowing, just pushing. I used to date guys and I looked feminine. I looked the part but every time I went to date someone, I had to prove that to myself, that is not going to hurt me like really hurt me.

So I went to a Tony Robbins‘ event. On the relationship day, I felt very weird. I felt very emotional because I knew something had to change. Like you said at the beginning of our conversation, we are the core of what’s happening around us. We are the attractors. We attract the relationship, we repel the relationship. It’s about us. It’s about our energy and who we are. And I started to feel that. And that night, around 1 AM, I sat by a little waterfall. And I had a breakdown and a breakthrough. And I prayed to God. And I said, “God, listen, I tried it on my own but I can’t do it anymore.” Before that, if you would tell me the word surrender. I hated that word surrender because I was a warrior. I studied martial arts. And it was super strong. And it was like surrender. “Oh, I’m not going to surrender to anything.” Never.

When you are actively looking for opportunities, they always seem to appear right before your eyes.

Never.

But I learned that it is surrendering to my God that is within me. My higher self, my higher guidance. And that night I surrendered. I had a breakdown. I had to break through, I cried, I laughed. I was like a crazy woman. I was laughing, crying, laughing, crying, and shaking. And then I wrote my relationship vision. Who I want and who do I need to become to attract that person? And that’s the key like you said at the beginning of our conversation, who do we need to become? What do we need to change? What kind of partners are we going to be? What are we going to bring to the table? If I want somebody who is smart, successful. Great, what am I going to bring as a partner to the table? It’s not just given that I’ll get that person, I need to step up to give something of myself to that person. So I wrote my relationship version. And it was a great release of all the trauma. And 24 hours later, when the event was over, I was introduced to Stephan. And nine days later, he proposed to me on a hot air balloon in Vegas.

Holy moly, wow.

And I said, “No.” But nine months later, he took me back to the same waterfall, where I prayed for him to show up and that time, I said, “Yes.” He is one of the most beautiful people I know. I won the lottery. And you said surrender to the fear of it might not happen, which I think is incredible. And also surrender to take some of the burdens that are on your shoulder, and give it to your angels, your guides, God, whatever you believe in. Unload a little bit. So you are free to see everything, to see the possibilities, to open to those possibilities.

You don’t have to do it all on your own. You don’t have to shoulder it all by yourself. As you surrender, what is beautiful about what you’re talking about, is I can just imagine the strong warrior Orion version dating. You said, you look the part but then we can feel when a woman is in her masculine or her feminine. The masculine is very much in the head, riding up in the head and the cognitive thought zone. The masculine energy, not male or female, but masculine energy, has this warrior type energy – strong, and all of that. And the feminine is very much in her heart, or in the heart, I should say, because again, it’s not male or female, but in the heart. And the reason I’m qualifying that is because it’s not about being politically correct or not for me. It’s about the awareness that men have both masculine and feminine energy. Sometimes I’ll fall into saying the feminine is a woman and, but for me, that’s one of the challenges I had. I was taught how to date from my older sister, not knowing that she has imprinted upon me a feminine blueprint, a feminine model for attracting love. I wouldn’t lead. I was way more seducing and trying to attract in my early 20s. And letting women choose me rather than me leading and being in my masculine energy. It was very fascinating when I learned about that. I’m like, Wow. My whole approach, I would attract these great women, but they were in their masculine because I was in my feminine. And that would work for a week. And then by default, I’m a very masculine guy, then we’d start clashing and we get in arguments and things wouldn’t work out. Because they don’t want to let me lead in the relationship.

There’s got to be polarity, for sure.

Where I’m taking this is, what shifts do you think? Because the move from the head to the heart is the move of the masculine to the feminine. How did you make that move for yourself?

I was at a Tony Robbins’ event. Tony talks a lot about feminine-masculine energy. I was on the Date with Destiny and they understood what feminine-masculine energies are. I wasn’t aware. It’s like there are things that you know, you know. And things you know, you don’t know. And the things you don’t know, you don’t know. I was not even aware of, what is masculine? What is feminine? How do those dynamics work in a relationship? What is polarity? Who do I want to be? How do I want to show up? If I want masculine energy, it’s okay. Some women like to be in their masculine energy and have very feminine men, if that works for them, that’s wonderful. But in most cases, I think more women would like to have a more masculine man, who is strong, who is more like their rock, who is there. And I was one of those. Even though I was so tough, I wanted to be this beautiful goddess and feminine and have my men taking care of me. So I added a whole journey into my femininity.

The presence of love is more significant than anything in our life, bigger than any challenge we are facing, or any block that we have. Click To Tweet

I studied pole dancing with Sheila Kelly, and I went over retreats. For example, the pole, it’s not the spinning pole, it’s just the one that is stable, and the pole represents the masculine. And then the feminine energy is just like, it’s like a little storm that is twirling around that masculine energy. And so it was deep work, it wasn’t about shaking my boobies. It was about connecting to myself as a feminine presence. It was about connecting to my emotions and expressing all my emotions. When we dance, we dance on our rage and our fear and our joy. It was more than just the moves or the tricks, it was about self-expression and self-exploration that helped me take and release everything on the dance floor, and finding new sides of myself, new expressions of myself. And then coming home and bringing this to my relationship on an energetic level, created an incredible clarity between my men and I. When I got more feminine, he got more in his masculine because I allowed him to do so.

I love that. And I love that you’re highlighting your journey there. It was through movement. It was through pole dancing. If we’re going to move these masculine and feminine energies, the fastest way to move that energy is not by thinking about it, not sitting in a chair and contemplating a book, that’s not going to do it.

Because that’s masculine. That’s logical. Even in our brain, we have our right brain and left brain. The right brain is more of the feminine energies, the creative side, one that is connected to intuition and creativity and all that. And then there is a logical side that is considered more of masculine energy.

That’s right.

If you want to try to get into your feminine by using the masculine side of your brain, it’s not gonna work.

It’s not gonna work. As you’re listening, notice the places that have resistance. Those places of resistance in you. Think about pole dancing or movement. Those are the places that rise to be explored, say, “Oh, why am I resisting this.” That might be the gateway to breakthrough. And what you’re saying, Orion, which is the fastest way to move the energy and a shift and connect to your feminine is through the body. It is through that movement work, that’s the fastest way to move the energy is to get out of your head and get into your body and get into your heart. It’s beautiful when you do that. And you’re living an expression of that.

Yeah, and Sheila Kelly’s talking about feminine-masculine. She said, “You know, men, they’re built like an H. And women, they’re built more like an S.” We have curves. We are meant for a lot of the movements. Even at the gym, it’s very linear, all the movements are very masculine. But the women need to learn how to move with their curves, to move their spine, to move their hips. Even just doing some hip circles can release that energy, that Kundalini energy, that serpent energy, that is of the feminine.

Beautiful. I love it.

Wow, well, that was a detour. Let’s go back to dating. If somebody’s listening, they listened to my story, they listened to Charlotte’s story, and everything that you were sharing as a coach, what will be the number one advice that you can give somebody who’s listening right now? What do they have to do first?

It’s challenging to find someone else to love you if you don’t love yourself first.

There are two things. There are two categories where people usually are starting from. You listening right now, you’re probably in one of two camps. One is, you have been dating a ton and there’s no issue with finding a date. You can find lots of first dates, and you’ve gone on a ton of first dates, and you’re just exhausted. You’re just fed up with first dates that don’t turn into second dates. And getting excited but not having it reciprocated or going out of date and having to tell the guy, “Yeah, I don’t think we’re a good match.” You’re burnt out. There’s that camp. The other camp is the person who hasn’t been on a date in 10 years. It’s a person who’s like, “You know what, maybe I’m willing to get back into dating.” You bet. You’ve put other things in your life first, and said, “I’m going to focus on these other areas of my life and love will happen if it happens, but I’m not going to focus on it right now.” And so depending on each place.

The first thing is to take care of your needs. You say, “Where do you start from?” You start with identifying what your needs are and what your wants are. Your needs are the thing so often we will just press forward. Like if you’re in the camp, where you’re dating a time, and you’re online, you’re going on all these dates, and you’re just feeling burnt out, but you just keep going and you haven’t restored yourself yet. Then it becomes this perpetual treadmill. And you’re not able to bring the size of you that are joyful, and fun, and open. Even if you kind of put that mask on, of the smiley mask, “I’m glad to be here.” But inside, you’re just not wanting to be there, that energy is going to come across and that’s going to block the love that you’re seeking. So the first thing to do is to identify and say, “What do I need right now?” Maybe you need a break? Or maybe you need some self-care time? Or maybe you need some time in nature? Or maybe you need a massage? Maybe you need some self-care?

Yes.

Take a look at what you need at this moment. Needs are way beyond just food, water, and shelter. Like as human beings, we might be surviving, if that’s what we have, but we’re not thriving. So what do you need to thrive? You know, other people say, “I need time with my doggies, I need daily time with my animals because that brings me alive or anytime in nature, I need this.” So identify the shortlist of needs that you have, maybe you need to work out, get back into exercising again and get your energy circulating. Whatever it is, identify what those needs are. And give yourself that time. And know that the dating process is just like life, life is all about circulation. There’s inhale and exhale. When you’re working out, you can’t just work out every single day, all day. You need breaks. You get in more shape, better shape when you take proper rest. The same thing with dating. When you’re dating a lot, you have to take care of yourself, give yourself enough rest, inhale, exhale. That way when you do show up on dates, you’re bringing fresh energy, and you’re bringing your best and you’re staying open to and connected with the field of possibility.

If you haven’t dated in a while. That need is usually around, like what you’re saying, Orion, the fear of rejection and fear of getting hurt again. And so the process around that is identifying who must I become to stay safe. Whether you’ve been abused in the past or taken advantage of in the past or catfished or betrayed. Who must I become to stay safe because almost in relationships where there was abuse or there was a rejection or a betrayal? There were red flags that we saw early on, and we ignored them. We just didn’t do anything about it. Almost always there would have been a moment for us to stand up and say something or to remove ourselves and we didn’t listen to our intuition. Before you enter the dating process is an acknowledgment and forgiveness of anything in the past that you say, “You know what, here’s how I showed up where I didn’t listen to myself, I forgive myself for that. I’ve learned from that. And so now, I’m going to speak my truth. I’m going to be the person who stands up for what I believe for what I want. And if something’s off, I’m going to listen and trust my intuition.”

And from that place, you can trust yourself, you can trust yourself to date, you can trust yourself to get into a relationship, you can trust that you’re going to speak up at the right moment before things go sideways. Keep your relationship with yourself and your relationship with this other person on track. So you make that commitment to yourself, then you’ll be amazed at the energy that opens. There will be a whole bunch of ideas that you haven’t even thought of for how to meet a guy who will come to you. I’ll just give you one last example here, a woman who is 69 years old. I have the privilege of working with her. Her name is Julia Roberts, not the actress, Julia Roberts. She’s Canadian, lives in a tiny little town in Canada. And her big thing was, not only is there no men in her tiny little town, she’s 69, so all the men who want to date that are available are old and crotchety. She’s like, “I’m fit, I’m healthy. I’m 69. But I’m like running around. I am an environmentalist and a mathematician. I’m super smart. I’m a scientist, and I’m not willing to compromise my values. I ride my bike everywhere. I grow my food. I have solar-heated water. My man has to be that, I’m not going to compromise.”

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And so she goes, “And because of that, there are no men out there for me.” And so we helped her what it really was about. There are two layers for her; one was trusting herself, that she was willing to speak up for herself if things weren’t going right and speak up early. When she decided that she was one, that there was a possibility and all of the universe, there could be one guy for her. She connected to that remote possibility in her mind, even though a big part of her doubted it. She connected with the part that believed and she made the commitment to stand up for herself. She got an idea to reach out to her friend and say, “Hey, here’s what I’m looking for in my life. Do you know anyone?” That friend said, “Well, I don’t know. But I’ll keep an eye out.” A week later, that friend introduced her to a guy named Ian. Now Ian didn’t live in her town. But Ian grew up there and had always wanted to move back. Ian was also Canadian. Ian was also super smart and a scientist. Ian was also an environmentalist who rode his bike, grew his food, and had solar-heated water.

What she never told Ian or didn’t tell me till later was that her secret fantasy was to be with a guy who was Scottish and had a kilt. It was like a fetish of hers. I was like, “Okay. Whatever you want. This is your life. You get to be whatever you want here.” And so they ended up dating, Ian proposed, and she wrote me and sent me a picture on her wedding day because they had never really talked about his heritage. But when she walked to turn them around the corner to walk down the aisle, she sees him standing next to the minister in the aisle, and he is in a kilt.

Oh, my god. No way.

Apparently, he had Scottish heritage, and his dream was to get married in a kilt. She said, “I almost fainted walking down the aisle. Here I am in this organic garden, marrying the man of my dreams.” She goes, “I’m 69 years old, but I feel like I’m 25 again, like we’re having the most amazing relationship.” And for anyone out there who thinks it’s not possible for them, tell them it is. It’s absolutely possible for you.

It’s a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing. Wow. Before we say goodbye, I have two questions for you. One, what are your three top quick tips to living a stellar life? And two, where can people find you?

Okay, great questions, three top tips to living a stellar life. What’s great about that is it echoes what we’ve talked about here today. So tip number one is on a daily basis hold compassion for yourself, self-acceptance, and self-love. You do that and it’s amazing how our willingness to open our hearts and love and accept others, which is so needed in the world right now becomes greater. And so tip number one, living a stellar life is to love and accept yourself on a daily basis. Tip number two is to release the burden of having to know and do it all yourself. Give it over to God, and surrender and say, “Here’s what I would love. And I don’t have to figure out the how.” And tip number three is to get in touch with what you would love, get in touch with that possibility. All of you don’t even have to believe it, but hold the possibility of what you would love in your mind and take a step in that direction. And you’ll be amazed at how things unfold and coordinate and coalesce and come together for the fulfillment of that vision in your life, it will blow you away. So those are my three tips.

Then where to find me, Brave Thinking Institute. I’m the executive director of that institute. We’ve got all kinds of programs that help people live their best life, including relationship programs. So bravethinkinginstitute.com. And then we have a gift for your listeners. For those who resonate with this message, what can we give them that would help them take it deeper and be great? And so we’ve got a product that I will give as a gift for free to your listeners. And it’s the Self-Love Activation Kit. It’s an e-book that has some really powerful concepts and exercises, and then meditation to take it even deeper. If you’ve been struggling with the idea of loving and accepting yourself, this will help. Or if you already have a practice of doing that, and you’re wanting something fresh to keep it interesting. Because sometimes we do personal development work, it can kind of feel monotonous or routine. This will supercharge your self-love work and help you take it to a deeper level. We’ll give that to you, Orion. You’ve got a link for all the people where they can download this gift, but it’s a gift from me to you. For the listeners, I hope it serves you well.

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Thank you very much. Wow, what a beautiful conversation. It was a real joy. I appreciate you. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. And I’m sure you already helped a lot of people who are listening today.

Thanks, Orion, the pleasure’s mine.

Thank you. And thank you, listeners. Remember to love and accept yourself, and to give it over to God and surrender. Hold the possibility and move forward in the direction of your dreams and have a stellar life.

Your Checklist of Actions to Take

{✓} Reflect on your thoughts and feelings before you decide if you’re ready for a serious relationship. Embarking on this type of journey should be treated with the utmost respect.
{✓} Keep your heart open to all the incredible possibilities love has to offer. When you are actively looking for opportunities, they always seem to appear before your very eyes.
{✓} Accept yourself for who you truly are, flaws and all. It’s challenging to find someone else to love you if you don’t love yourself first.
{✓} Don’t feel pressured to find yourself a partner. Starting a serious relationship with someone should be something that is wanted, not needed.
{✓} Set your standards high. Make a list of what you want to see in your future partner. You deserve someone who will treat you right and love you wholeheartedly.
{✓} Have faith, and don’t be discouraged easily. Focus on preparing yourself for the partner that is truly meant for you; the right person will come.
{✓} Visualize who you want to be when you’re with them. Sometimes we focus too much on the perfect guy that we forget how we see ourselves when we’re with the person we love.
{✓} Take care of yourself and keep improving your knowledge and skills. Get more in tune with your spiritual self, as well.
{✓} Pay attention to red flags and don’t ignore them. Communicate openly with your partner if there’s something you’re not comfortable with in the relationship.
{✓} Download your free Self-love Activation Kit to elevate your sense of self-worth quickly and easily!

Links and Resources

Facebook – Mat Boggs
Twitter – Mat Boggs
Instagram – Mat Boggs
Youtube – Mat Boggs
Cracking The Man Code
Brave Thinking Institute

About Mat Boggs

A true difference maker, Mat Boggs has dedicated his life to increasing Love in the world one heart at a time. Mat has co-authored the best-selling book, Project Everlasting: Two Bachelors Discover the Secrets of America’s Greatest Marriages.