Episode 48 | January 23, 2017

Love and Relationships with Dr. Pat Allen

A Personal Note from Orion

I must confess: Relationships were not one of my strengths. Ever since I was hurt by a man, I became emotionally guarded and super independent. I had a tough time dating anyone for more than a few months…I wish I had known some of the tools that Dr. Pat Allen, known as “The Love Doctor”, teaches, back then.

As women, we need to not only empower ourselves, but to empower our men. And learning to use our feminine energy is crucial to do this. From how to communicate more effectively with your man to learning the difference between being a career woman or a woman with a career, Dr. Pat shared great tips on how to build a monogamous, continuous, and long-lasting relationship



In this Episode

  • [01:45] – Pat starts things off by telling us the basics about herself: she’s 82, widowed, with four children, seven grandchildren, and a boyfriend.
  • [2:14] – What got Pat interested in relationships? She answers, then explains how she bases her study of relationships on science.
  • [03:24] – We hear about the differences between men and women in biological terms, with Pat explaining that all fetuses are female for a few days. She then lists several famous men who have (or had) the brain structure of a woman.
  • [08:18] – What’s the best way to deal with a man? Pat’s answer depends on whether the man in question is right-handed or left-handed.
  • [09:36] – What are the things that keep single women up at night? “They haven’t decided to be either a woman with a career or a career woman,” Pat replies, then elaborates on what she means.
  • [10:46] – Pat offers up two pledges, one for men and one for women. The differences between the two reveal the differences between the genders, which she uses to clarify the problem she discussed a moment ago in her friend’s relationship.
  • [13:22] – We hear about how women shift into becoming more like men during and after menopause.
  • [14:27] – What advice does Pat have for young, entrepreneurial women who have a hard time finding a man?
  • [16:28] – Gay couples have the same energy as heterosexual couples, Pat explains, with gay couples having a top (left-lobe) man and a bottom (feminine) man. Lesbian couples involve a butch woman and a femme. She then goes on to talk about codependency, and discusses The Evolution of Desire by David Buss.
  • [21:02] – How can a single woman feel and be more attractive and desirable? Pat’s answer is to be healthy (which she acknowledges may take a lot of doctors). She then discusses how Eric Berne tweaked Freud’s ideas.
  • [24:42] – Part of the journey for single women is to get in touch with the inner child.
  • [26:34] – If you and your husband are running a business together, you can make an appointment to be two men, but it needs to be a business. It’s when you’re trying to be a couple that you need to be a man and a woman.
  • [29:14] – What is it like to act like a woman in a relationship?
  • [30:10] – Pat discusses online dating, and gives more advice on being a woman in a relationship with a man, including not to mother him and to acquiesce to his decisions.
  • [32:47] – What should a woman have in her online dating profile? Pat’s main piece of advice is to market what you want to be in a relationship.
  • [33:52] – When should a single woman have sex with her date? “When she has a contract. Either that or she’s a prostitute and she’s gonna get her money.” Pat then advises women to decide whether they want to get laid or paid, and make their dating decisions accordingly.
  • [35:30] – Before you have a contract with a man, you can do anything except penile insertion.
  • [37:10] – Orion asks how we can trust men. Pat answers that she doesn’t trust anybody.
  • [38:42] – If you give real men free sex, they’ll enjoy it, but men don’t marry vaginas. If they do marry you after you had a passionate courtship, though, don’t be surprised if he asks, “Who is he?” the first time you come home five minutes late.
  • [39:26] – What is Pat’s best dating advice?
  • [40:40] – What is the main problem? Men are in charge of junk (like buying and selling) while we women are in charge of the air of love (accepting, rejecting, and tolerating).
  • [42:25] – A woman should wait until she’s been with somebody for at least a year before getting married.
  • [43:14] – Pat’s advice for single ladies coping with Valentine’s Day is to go dancing. They should then flirt with their eyes; let the man do the speaking. Just look in his eyes and smile.
  • [46:45] – What are Pat’s three tips for living a stellar life? She recommends the book Outwitting the Devil by Napoleon Hill. Second, she advises taking care of your body. Finally, know how to negotiate (not intimidate) and seduce people.
  • [48:08] – Pat talks about her show, which is on talk radio every Thursday from 5-6 pm.

About Today’s Show

‏‏Hello and welcome to Stellar Life podcast! Dr. Pat Allen is a best-selling author, speaker, psychotherapist, communication and relationship expert. She authored numerous books including Getting to ‘I Do’Staying Married…And Loving It!, and The Truth About Men, and soon to be released, It’s a Man’s World and a Woman’s Universe. She is known as “The Love Doctor, Therapist, Comic Mother Superior,” and made many appearances on The Oprah Winfrey Show, CNN, Bravo, Millionaire Matchmaker, Fox 11 News, and many more. Hello, Dr. Pat! Welcome to the show!

‏‏Hello, and thank you for having me. I like hearing my message.

‏‏Your message is amazing. I’ve been following you and studying from you, and I think that you are incredible. Let’s just start by you telling us a little bit about yourself.

‏‏I’m 82 years old and I’m a widow. I’ve been married, and I have a boyfriend now. What I teach, I use. I have four children and five grandsons, two granddaughters. I have a mob, so I’ve been doing my men-women stuff for a long time.

‏‏What got you interested in that men-women stuff?

‏‏Basing virtue on science instead of philosophies, instead of religions, instead of politics. Basing it on science.

‏‏How do you base it on science?

‏‏By being a nerd. You have to be a nerd to be a scientist. You’ve got to be more interested in the factual data than the rationale. For example this week, I’m going down to San Antonio, Texas with a colleague, and we’re going to study for about four days at the American Psychiatric Association, all of the various things that I’m interested in. What I do is I go to those in order to find out what I’m doing wrong – not to be validated, but to be invalidated because I don’t wanna teach anything that goes against science.

You have to be a nerd to be a scientist. You’ve got to be more interested in the factual data than the rationale. Click To Tweet

‏‏I love that. What is the difference between men and women as far as hormones and right-left brain? In your book, you described that our language is different.

‏‏Everything’s different. We are two different aspects of one species. We are on a continuum. Here’s the thing that most people don’t know. We’re all female to start with. For about eight days before a mother knows she’s pregnant, we’re all female. Then she finds out, “Uh-oh, there’s an XY in there.” She produces the SRY gene which starts the production of testosterone and starts the creation of testes in the little XY baby boy. Everybody is both male and female, but it depends on the way the chromosomes are set up. Depending on which we have – for example, do you know what a cortisone hypoplastic adrenalized female is? That’s a girl whose mother thought she was pregnant with a boy, but she wasn’t. You’ve met a lady who you didn’t know whether she was male or female. She easily can be a natural-born lesbian woman, and so can boys. If mother doesn’t produce enough testosterone, or the SRY gene doesn’t get the job done, this boy is gonna be somewhere between male and female. Some people are both male and female – genitalia. Each one of us is both male and female; that’s to start with. Then from that premise, that creates different neurobiological pathways – the way our brains operate. For example, all women (right and left-handed), left-handed men, ambidextrous men, and biologically gay men whose brains – their body may have gotten as far as being male, but their brain is very manipulated by the chromosomes and is more female. A male who’s right-handed has a smaller bridge between the two lobes in his brain – right lobe, left lobe. A man named Roger Sperry in 1981 got a Nobel Science Award for lateralization of the brain, finding out what the difference in the behavior for the right lobe or the left lobe. What he found out was this: He took a little animal, and he took its two lobes out and turned them around, so right was in left and left was in right. He wanted to see what the change in the behavior would be. Left-handed men, ambidextrous men, biologically gay men can think and feel. Einstein, Picasso, Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Paul McCartney, Frank Sinatra, Obama, McCain, Clinton – these are all men who have the brain structure of a woman. They can mix their thoughts and feelings together. They make wonderful philosophers. They make wonderful musicians or artists, because they can mix. Men create off their feminine soul the anima. Women create off their masculine soul the animus. You have a female body but a male soul. Your fiancé has a male body but a female soul. Are you left-handed?


‏‏He’s right-handed. He can’t mix his thoughts and feelings together at the same time. You can ask him what he thinks or what he feels, but you’ve got to know that when a man asks us, “How do you feel?” We say, “I feel good, and it’s because blah, blah.” We go into both lobes, which often drives right-handed men dingy because they’re built to handle one question at a time, one statement at a time. When we power drive them with multiple statements, they can get frustrated.

‏‏What’s the best way to communicate with a man?

‏‏First, find out if he’s right or left-handed. If he’s right-handed, then I want you to be very simplistic. “I think this” or “I feel this. What do you think?” If he’s old enough, “What do you feel?” Because between 45 and 55, his testosterone’s going down, and the estrogen that’s in his body is gonna start impacting him. Grandpa’s nicer than Dad, and Grandma’s meaner than Mom. I’m at 82, I’m in my male. If I am not careful – if I disrespectfully talk to my grandsons and my great-grandsons and my whatever, I could hurt their feelings seriously. I’ve got to remember: pay attention to the science that’s there.

‏‏Wow, that’s a beautiful answer. You help single women and you teach them how to find and attract love. What do you think are the things that keep single women up at night?

‏‏Awake at night? They haven’t decided to be either a woman with a career or a career woman. If they’re a career woman, they live in their left lobe. One of my girlfriends called me this morning and she’s getting to be very powerful in the art community. I won’t give her name. She has a man who was a very powerful lawyer, but he’s mature now. She’s in her sixties, and he’s in his seventies. She disrespected him by taking her cellphone on a date. He was gonna take her to an elegant restaurant, and he got very upset because she hurt his feelings. I talked to her about career woman. If your job calls and you go to that first, you better have a wussy man for a boyfriend because a real man is not gonna put up with that level of disrespect.

‏‏What is a real man or a masculine man?

‏‏A real man. Would you be willing to say the pledge? I promise on my honor to give, protect, and cherish the woman I love even when she may be a little illogical, irrational, and irritating. So help me God.

A real man. Would you be willing to say the pledge? I promise on my honor to give, protect, and cherish the woman I love even when she may be a little illogical, irrational, and irritating. So help me God.

I promise on my honor to give, protect, and cherish the woman I love even when she may be a little illogical, irrational, and irritating. So help me God.

‏‏Would you like to take your little feminine pledge? Get your hands up. I promise on my honor to respect the man I love even when I think I’m smarter and I can do better. Furthermore, I promise to keep my yang mouth shut, unless I have to call the police, a doctor, or a lawyer first.

‏‏I promise on my honor to respect the man I love even when I think I’m smarter and I can do better. Furthermore, I promise to keep my yang mouth shut, unless I have to call the police, a doctor, or a lawyer first.

‏‏Do you see what my girlfriend was doing?


‏‏She was taking care of her career when she was on a date. Now if she had used one of my tools, she would have said, “Honey, I have a favor to ask of you for an hour. Are you willing to hear my request?” “Yes.” “I really want to answer these phone calls in the next hour while we’re waiting for our table (or whatever we’re waiting for.) What do you think about that?” Instead she said, “Well, I was busy!” Do you see what I mean? She forgot science. He’s in his feminine. He needs to feel good. When a man gets 45 to 55, he has to have a woman in his life that helps him feel good. It may be a caregiver. Do you know how many children lose their inheritance to caregivers who treat Grandpa or Dad better? That’s knowing the science.

‏‏You said that women need to help a man feel like a man?

‏‏When a woman is perimenopausal, she’s going off estrogen on progesterone. She’s becoming a man. I understand that I am now in my animus, but if I’m smart, I will not let it run my mouth because the man I’m with who’s 65 – I’m a cougar now. I’ve buried three men since my husband died, and I’ve decided I’m gonna go with younger men. Madonna’s doing it. J. Lo’s doing it. So I decided I’m gonna do it.

‏‏I love that.

‏‏Fake beta. Fake.

‏‏What about young women entrepreneurs that are pursuing their business? I see a lot of my friends. They have a hard time finding a man.

‏‏They don’t have a hard time finding a man if they treat their body in a healthy way. Men love healthy women physically. Harvard did a big study in the 90s. They asked 10,000 students, people at Harvard, “Why did you mate?” That’s marriage without a document. Or, “Why did you marry?” That’s mating with a document. Two-thirds of all the men mated and married for sensual (that’s home) and sexual security and stability. One-third of men mated and married for status and financial security – sugar momma. Two-thirds of women mated for status and financial security. One-third of women mated and married for sensual and sexual security. They’re cougars. When women don’t know when to turn the business off – I’m male, but I’ve gotta remember especially at my age not to be male after work. I can date people, but if I want a relationship of monogamy, continuity, and longevity, I better know when to be a career woman and when to be a woman with a career.

‏‏Wow, that’s amazing. You talk a lot about polarity. You said that there are some relationships that the female is more masculine and the men is more feminine, and some where the men is more masculine and the women is more feminine. Can you talk a little bit more about it? How does that affect gay couples?

‏‏Gay couples have the same energies. There’s a top man, he’s the left-lobe man. There’s the bottom man, he’s the feminine. There’s the butch woman, there’s the femme. In every relationship where you have love and especially sex, you’ve got to have a waltz going on verbally. If you’ve got a disco going on, they’re just hooking up and pulling apart. That’s just a hook-up. If you’ve got a codependent relationship like the movie Secretary, you’ve got one person who gets respected and cherished, and the other person (male or female) gets to be a zero. Then you have a third choice, which you might call a traditional. That’s one in which one person (male or female) is the breadwinner. Like right now, Bill Clinton was male when he was president, and Hillary was the co-pilot. Now, she is going for president, and he will be in a position of co-pilot. It used to be about five years ago, Louisiana, Arizona, Minnesota, and Michigan – after you got married legally, you could go back to the Marriage License Bureau and apply for a covenant marriage. A covenant marriage is one in which one person signs a contract that for the duration of the marriage, they will pay for the marriage and the family. They will be the lead breadwinner. She may work Avon, but it isn’t two doctors. She will see to it that there’s a good home for the kids and he and a sensually desirable and available body. There’s a wonderful book by David Buss. He’s a therapist in Texas, and that book is about the evolution of desire – how we’re molded. For example, in the mid-east, we have Sharia Law. That’s approved by both people as a codependency. Wherever two people agree, so be it. It’s where two people – one wants a convenience, where they both work and they both come and go. Well, if one of them decides they don’t wanna work – whatever they decide, they have to know convenience, codependency, and covenant. Those are the three choices. Since ’81 when I got my doctoral, I have found – yes, people mix it, but once they start mixing them, I make more money because you have to be in agreement on which style. You can change them. Say for example she gets pregnant, the doctor says you gotta go to bed for nine months. Guess what? It may have been a covenant. It may have been a convenience, but it’s gonna be a codependency. People think I’m saying, “Well, the covenant is the best.” No, it’s not. Or, “It’s bad that you have a codependency.” No, it isn’t. It’s molded according to your needs.

In every relationship where you have love and especially sex, you’ve got to have a waltz going on verbally. If you’ve got a disco going on, they’re just hooking up and pulling apart. That’s just a hook-up. Click To Tweet

‏‏Amazing. Let’s talk a little bit about single ladies and dating. I think what every single woman wants to know is how can she be more desirable and feel and be more attractive?

‏‏Be healthy. Being healthy especially – it takes a lot of doctors to keep me healthy; eye doctors, ear doctors, cardiologists. That’s okay. Men pick with their eyes. Women pick with their ears. Women pick with their ears by – “What’s his moral, ethical, legal code? Is he responsible?” What he’s saying is, “Is she disrespectful? How does she treat me? How will she treat my children?” People say, “Oh, that’s so intellectual.” I got news for you, so is the law, “Drive on the right side of the yellow line in America (and the left side in England) or you die.” What I’ve said in the beginning was I have studied the laws of nature when it comes to sexuality. Ultimately, everything is okay as long as the people have negotiated it. I’m a transactional analyst. Freud created psychoanalyst. “What did your mother do to you, son? What did your father do to you, daughter?” Freud’s friend, Carl Jung, who did his work based on mythology. Based on that, everybody has a fairytale or a nightmare to read and study and do. Those are called “analysts.” Then there’s transactional analysts. Eric Berne was studying under Erik Erikson who was a protégé and studying with Freud, but he didn’t like the language: “archetypal,” “subliminal.” He wanted “parent,” “adult,” “child.” Keep it simple. An eight-year-old can draw a picture. Eight-year-old can’t draw a picture of a superego, but if you say, “Draw a picture of Mommy and Daddy,” you can do it. He took Freud’s “superego” and turned it into “parent”: critical parent, super parent, nurturing parent. He took Freud’s “ego.” Ego is the mind and the will. He took that and made that the adult, like the computer. When the parent overlapped the adult, we called it “prejudice” because Mommy and Daddy or your church or your culture told you, “That’s a bad thing.” You learn it. That’s called a “script.” I teach script reading. I treat dream analysis, because what comes up from your subconscious – that seething cauldron of libidinal urges called your “id” – Eric Berne called it the “kid,” the inner child. There’s a fun, free child – wants what it wants, doesn’t want what it doesn’t want. It works well with the nurturing parent. “No, no, no, Son. You do that next time, I’m gonna take your crayons away.” There’s a price.

‏‏For single women, a part of the journey is healing the inner child?

‏‏It’s to get in touch. Are you a fun, free kid that wants and knows how to not want? Are you a rebel, adaptive? You fight? Why does he think he’s boss here? Honey, he thinks he’s boss because he wants to be your man. But if you wanna be a man and he’s a man, go to Pat Allen. She needs to make more money. Then there’s the adaptive, submissive doormat. If you’re okay being a doormat in a codependent relationship, have at it, but don’t be surprised if your girlfriends are going, “What are you doing? Why do you have to do that? You’re as smart as he is.” Two men who are both men do not get together, whether they’re gay, straight, or whatever. Waltzing requires one Fred Astaire and one Ginger Rogers. See how old I am? Ginger does everything Fred does backwards, high heels, long dress.

‏‏Most women that I know wants their men to lead, or they want to have a strong man. It doesn’t mean that they are weak or that they don’t have a business.

‏‏But they want a man who’s cherishing. “Honey, I think we should do this. How do you feel about it?” He doesn’t say, “We’re doing this.” That’s a codependent relationship. You can have it if you’re not in America.

‏‏In your workplace, you hold your masculine – you hold your yin energy, and you’re strong.

‏‏If you and your husband are running a business together, all you’ve gotta do is make an appointment to be two men sitting at the table or the desk and talk, “What do you think? What do you think? What do you want? What do you want? Let’s make a deal,” but you both have to get paid. It’s gotta be a business. I never said that a man and a woman, or two men or two women, whatever, straight, gay, or lesbian – they can be equal at work when they determine they’re just friends. When you’re trying to be a couple, you can switch. I teach tools. I teach women that are the co-pilot, the feminine, “Just say, ‘I have a question. I have a thought. I have a want. I have an opinion. When would it be convenient for you to listen to me? Today hopefully, because when I go to sleep, I paper shred.’” These are the tools that I teach.

‏‏I love the tools that you teach, and I’ve been using a lot of them in my relationship because I was a very strong minded rebel. I had to go through my own journey of learning how to melt into my feminine and find that power in me and allow myself to be a woman near my man and not a man near my man.

‏‏Unless we negotiated it. “Let’s make a deal, Honey.” My last husband – God, rest his soul – wanted to remarry, so he came to my seminars. A lady brought him – not a date, but a lady brought him. He learned all my stuff and used it on me because I had been single quite a long time. I had to study Pat Allen, just like anybody else. Just because I created it, doesn’t mean I obeyed it.

‏‏I love your honesty.

‏‏That’s where I was! Because I was a single woman. I really didn’t have an opportunity to meet a man who had the tools to show me how to be a woman.

‏‏For the ladies who are not aware of your work, what is it like to act like a woman in a relationship?

‏‏Well, luckily my tools – remember, I wanna be cherished by the man I’m with. The man I’m with right now was a therapist. He’s 65, so he’s still melting. I won’t use his name. Anyway, what I do is I recognize when my ego (my mind and my will) wants to battle with him. Why do I wanna do battle with him? Unless I have to call the police, a doctor, and a lawyer, I’m doing it his way. I may think it’s stupid, but I’m gonna do it his way because I want nature to teach him it’s stupid, not me.

‏‏How do you think the new technologies and the online dating world affect dating and finding good relationships?

‏‏I think anywhere you hunt is just fine, except when you write your profile. Now remember, first of all, as long as men are the way men are, be as healthy as you can be physically. The second thing is know whether you’re a career woman or a woman with a career, because if you wanna be both, you’re a narcissist. The only man that can be with you has gotta be a zero. Then learn how to communicate using my tools or if you find anybody else’s. I haven’t found anybody else’s. Use my tools when you’re uptight. That includes: don’t ask him what he feels unless he’s physically ill. “Are you happy?” That’s mothering him. Real men don’t wanna be mothered. That’s the first tool. We ask if they’re ill, “How do you feel? What can I do to help you feel better?” But always ask him, “What do you think about this? What do you wanna do about that? What is your opinion about this?” I pull out his left lobe. I may not like it, but if it’s not immoral, unethical, or illegal, why fight? Do it his way for the sake of the team. There’s a wonderful word in the dictionary called “acquiesce.” People say, “I don’t wanna surrender.” I don’t ask women to surrender. Remember, some men choose to be feminine. I have no problem with that. Acquiesce means, “I’m gonna do something that I wouldn’t do if I weren’t in this relationship.” Every member of the team has to acquiesce. Acquiescing is doing something you wouldn’t do if you were single for the sake of the team. Isn’t that wonderful?

‏‏Yes, it is. Definitely, every relationship has – I wouldn’t say “sacrifice” is a bad…

‏‏We all have sacrifices. Men wear ties when they do business. You know what that is? Left-over piece of noose.

‏‏What does that mean?

‏‏What that means is it shows that they’ve been civilized. You know our high heels? You can’t run very far on those high heels.

‏‏You mentioned online profile. What should a woman have in her online profile?

‏‏She should first of all know if she wants to market herself as a productive, resourceful, successful man (manly) that also cooks, hikes, whatever. If she puts out there, “I like to dance, and I love beating people at chess,” that’s equal. That’s narcissistic. I want women to market what they wanna be in a relationship. We’re all both. If we’re lucky, we go to work and we take bubble baths after work. We all are masculine and feminine, but when we market ourself – when a woman looks at a man’s deal, 9 out of 10 times, she’s gonna look for, “I’m a retired successful businessman, and I like to knit.”

‏‏When should a single woman have sex with her date?

‏‏When she has a contract, either that or she’s a prostitute, and she’s gonna get her money.

‏‏What does it mean?

‏‏What I’m saying is: there’s an industry of sex, which is none of my business. But when you want a relationship based on love, then what you have to do is decide whether you want to get laid or paid. If you want to get laid, look with your eyes for the cutest guy, but don’t be surprised if he doesn’t have any money. If you want to get paid, look for the guy that may not be as cute, but he’s a man enough to be able to pay for a wife and a couple of kids. People go, “Laid and paid.” Yeah. Women who wanna get laid basically have to bring the money. Women who want to be paid have got to bring the sensuous and the sexual. It’s just another way of saying the same thing.

When you want a relationship based on love, then what you have to do is decide whether you want to get laid or paid.

‏‏You said that they shouldn’t have sex with a guy until they have some kind of a contract or a promise ring, even.


‏‏Isn’t that a little difficult in today’s world and with what men expect?

‏‏It sure is because today’s world is falling apart with hookups.

‏‏What should they do? Is there a moderation for the law?

‏‏You can do everything except penal insertion in mouth, anus, or vagina. There’s a lot to do beside intercourse. Intercourse – you can’t get an annulment for not having a hand job. You can get an annulment from a marriage if you didn’t consummate. People don’t realize more people die of misused sexuality than anything else; whether it’s murder, suicide, illness, disease. Nature is very, very hard on people who misuse the sexual laws.


‏‏Really! As long as men are the nature that they are (competitive, conquering, and controlling), they get really angry when we are not monogamous. You’ve read in your newspapers; there’s terrible stories. Her boyfriend killed her two-year-old son. You haven’t read and her boyfriend killed her two-year-old daughter. You know why? That boy reminds him that she had sex with somebody else.

‏‏That’s crazy.

‏‏You’ve seen the articles.


‏‏What do men do when they conquer a country?

‏‏Go for the women and money?

‏‏Molest women. Contaminate the bloodline.

‏‏Wow! With this scary statistic and scary thought, how can we trust men?

‏‏I don’t trust anybody, no one. You’ve gotta build trustworthiness with everybody. The only way you know you love yourself or anybody else is by the commitments you’re willing to make and keep. The commitments that I have found and codified are some levels of monogamy. Now what’s interesting about monogamy is that if you and your man agree to have an open relationship and you each get to have five different people, that’s your monogamy. I’m not a moralist; I’m a therapist. I have to report child abuse, elder abuse, and disabled adult abuse. I do not have to report misused sexuality unless it’s abuse or rape. We forget to put together the facts that we learn in reality. Chemistry, compatibility, and communication are the three things you need to make a relationship build, otherwise you’re just hooking up.

‏‏I read somewhere in your book that you said that when you date somebody, they have to trust your “no” before they trust your “yes.”

‏‏Yes. Because what’s interesting about real men is if you give them free sex, they’ll enjoy it. But if they manage to marry you, and they usually don’t. Men do not marry vaginas; they marry virtue. But if they marry you after you had a passionate courtship, don’t be surprised, the first night you come home five minutes late, he says, “Who is he?” Because he was “he” way back when. Do you understand?

‏‏Yes, I think I do.

‏‏Forty-four years of experience has taught me this.

‏‏What is your best dating advice?

‏‏My best dating advice is know the answers to the questions: Do you want to mate or do you want to marry? If you wanna mate, fine. It’s good for about three years. Infatuation – enjoy. Boring! Then you march on. Know what you wanna marry or mate. Know what your boundaries are. “I’m not going to get engaged or married unless…” he’s making money or she wants a baby or whatever the boundaries are. How long do you want to be together, if you’re mating?

‏‏Do you think this dating advice is universal, and it’s the same in every country?

‏‏It’s universal. I can teach it to any church, any political government. We’re doing it in this culture right now. We’re having a dickens of a time with the issue of what is a woman, what is a man. We’re still fighting the black-white war. If you don’t make peace with the problem, the problem never goes away.

‏‏What is the main problem?

‏‏The main problem is – I’ve written a book, It’s a Man’s World and a Woman’s Universe. They’re in charge of junk – buying, selling. We’re in charge of air – the air of love. Love is accepting, rejecting, tolerating. People say, “We love each other.” I say, “That’s not that important. You’re supposed to love everybody. Do you like each other?” “No. Don’t like him.” “Why not?” “Because we fight over time, space, money, play.” I say, “Well, then you better negotiate.” I make them negotiate. When I work with a couple that’s gonna get married, I ask them to create a two-month boundary deal for time (I time, we time, must time), space (who does the dishes, who takes the cars to the shop), money (my money, your money, our money, how does it go in, how does it go out), and then play (non-sexual and sexual; what do we like to do besides be in bed, what do I not want) I ask them to do a two-month trial before they get engaged, in order to know what the boundaries are for them and then do it every two months for a year. In the second year, every four months. In the third year, every six months. Then never less than once a year for life.

‏‏How long should a woman wait before she’s getting married?

‏‏I don’t approve of marriage legally until you’re with somebody a year. Marriage is a business. This is not a common-law state. I’ve dealt with people in Colorado, common-law states, where if you sign into a hotel as Mister and Missus, you’re married.


‏‏Yes. If you’re with somebody 10 years, you’re married.

‏‏Valentine’s Day is around the corner.

‏‏Yes, it truly is.

‏‏I know that when I was single, Valentine’s Day was one of the worst days of the year. What’s your advice to help single ladies deal with Valentine’s Day?

‏‏Go dancing. Find the nicest place to dance. The way I teach people to get together socially – go take dance lessons in salsa, ballroom, hip-hop, whatever. Go take dance lessons, and then go with the class afterwards to a dance hall and start flirting with people. Dancing culturally is one of the closest activities to sexuality.

Dancing culturally is one of the closest activities to sexuality. Click To Tweet

‏‏That’s nice.

‏‏Yes, it is.

‏‏They’re out there, and they’re dancing. How should they flirt?

‏‏How they flirt? Eye to eye. He who speaks is male. “Hi, my name is Patricia.” No, no, no! Enigmatic and mystical. Look in the eyes and smile. No talk, if you wanna be the girl. If you’re the guy, open your mouth. Say something. “Let’s go to coffee.”

‏‏I’m Israeli, and in my culture men are more aggressive in approaching women and hitting on them. I feel like here in the US, men are more shy, right?

‏‏No, they’re more wussy. Wussy. Do you know why?


‏‏Because their mothers are very male.

‏‏Okay, I can see that. I can also see that in my culture, since women go to the army and fight…

‏‏No, when they go home. When they go home.

‏‏Alright. I got it.

‏‏You could be anything outside the home. It’s when you go in that door, who’s the boss?

‏‏Yeah. I think that in my culture, the men are more masculine, but also the women are in some ways, and sometimes at home, too.

‏‏They can fall apart, too. But if you look at any relationship – who’s the head of your home when you were a kid?

‏‏My mom was a single mom, so her.

‏‏Did you have any brothers or sisters?

‏‏One sister.

‏‏One sister, so she had two little kids with no man. Then she was the man. That’s obvious. Do you know anybody that married somebody?


‏‏Who’s the boss?

‏‏Depends on the couple.

‏‏That’s exactly right. In any culture – but you’re gonna have more men that are men in Israel, than you are in America.

‏‏Yeah, I can see that. I enjoyed you so much, and I really appreciate you.


‏‏Now! All the time.

‏‏I thought maybe you were talking about reading the books.

‏‏Also when I read the book, and I share some of your teachings with my clients.

‏‏Good. What do you do for a living?

‏‏I’m a coach.


‏‏I share, and I tell them that it’s your stuff, too.

‏‏Give me credit.

‏‏Of course, I give you credit all the time.

‏‏If you use it. If you don’t use it, don’t give me credit. Create some of your own.

‏‏Before we go, what are your three best tips to living a stellar life?

‏‏I like the book Outwitting the Devil by Napoleon Hill. I like what he says. Take care of your body because that’s where your brain lives. When your body is healthy, as healthy as you can make it, your brain works better. When your brain works better, you know how to live. You know how to say what you want and what you don’t want. You know how to negotiate. You don’t have to seduce people, and you don’t have to intimidate them. Healthy body produces a healthy mind. We found now that your brain rewires itself. When you learn something for three days, you rewire your brain to incorporate that data. Norman Doidge wrote the book The Brain That Changes Itself. I change brains. I teach people the laws, which are: take care of your body so your brain has someplace good to live; and know how to negotiate, not intimidate and seduce people.

‏‏Thank you so much.

‏‏You’re welcome.

‏‏Any other final words?

‏‏No, I enjoyed talking to you.

‏‏Thank you very much, Dr. Pat.

‏‏Make a difference.

‏‏Thank you. I will.

‏‏May I talk about my show?

‏‏Please. Yes.

‏‏I’m on “Talk Radio” every Thursday from [5:00] to [6:00]. You can call in, and we do a webinar afterwards.

‏‏Where can they find your website?


‏‏Perfect. Thank you so much, Dr. Pat Allen.

‏‏You’re welcome.

‏‏Thank you everybody that listened and watched. I wish you all the love in the world, and until next time. Have a stellar life!

Your Checklist Actions to Take

✓ Ladies, when dealing with right-handed men, try not to combine feelings and thoughts; they can handle one at a time, but not both.

✓ Treat your body in a healthy way, especially if you’re looking for a man. Men pick with their eyes, Dr. Pat explains, so respect your body.

✓ If you’re a career woman most of the time, practice transitioning into becoming a woman with a career outside of your work hours.

✓ Work toward getting in touch with your inner child, especially if you’re a single woman who’s having a hard time finding a man.

✓ Take relationships on your own terms. If you’re okay with being a doormat in a codependent relationship, have at it, suggests Dr. Pat.

✓ Try phrasing your requests this way: “I have a question/thought/want/opinion, when would it be convenient for you to listen to me?”

✓ If you need to be a man when you’re near your man, negotiate it first. The rest of the time, be a woman around your man.

✓ Ladies, in a relationship, do it your partner’s way unless it involves calling the police, a doctor, or a lawyer. Let nature teach him his way is stupid, not you.

✓ Don’t ask your man how he feels unless he’s physically ill. Asking him if he’s happy is mothering him, and real men don’t like to be mothered.

✓ Decide whether you want to mate or marry, and whether you want to get laid or paid. Know what your boundaries are. Use these decisions to guide your dating decisions.

Links and Resources:

About Dr. Pat Allen

Dr. Pat Allen is a licensed MFT and Certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapist and Transactional Analyst with a practice spanning over 30 years, the founder and a director of the WANT Institute for Effective Communication Strategies, a nationally acclaimed communication expert, popular love, sex and relationship speaker and radio guest, regular on FOX News and CNN, best-selling author of “Getting To ‘I Do'” and “Staying Married…and Loving It,” and Reality Show Guest Therapist who helped Tiffany find her perfect mate on VH1’s ratings buster “I Love New York 2” and frequently assists Patti Stanger, “The Millionaire Matchmaker.” She has invested her life in training women and men how to communicate with authenticity, in a loving manner, how to confront each other in a respectful, cherishing way, and how to achieve fundamental self-esteem and restore good physical and mental health through her unique technique of Androgynous Semantic Realignment, which allows individuals to successfully change negative behaviors and overcome addictions by changing their language patterns. Her clients range from hurting individuals and couples to professional communication experts and CEOS, corporations and associations including IBM, Colgate Palmolive, Cedar-Sinai Hospital, UCLA Medical Center, Hoag Hospital, Vistage, PSI Seminars, the Bill Wilson House and the Betty Ford Clinic.


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