Stellar Experiences: Guide to Understanding Relationship Archetypes by Dr. Frances Yahia

A Personal Note From Orion

Today’s Stellar Experiences session is an opportunity for exploration and a deep dive into your relationship with your significant other. If you tuned in to last week’s Stellar Life Podcast with Dr. Frances Yahia, you’ll recall that we talked about how every one of us has an origin story. And for us to clearly pave our paths, realign our values, and eventually, create a new story that fits perfectly with our personal narrative, we must first understand our roots.

Dr. Frances Yahia is a mental health counselor; Akashic Records reader and archetypal Astrologer. She is also the author of Witch Bitch: Ceremonies, Rituals and Magic for Gods and Goddesses, The Seven Gates: Seven Steps Beyond Self-Awareness, and her upcoming book, The Truth is in the Triangle.

According to Dr. Yahia, every 5-7 years, we get an opportunity to renegotiate the rules and rebuild on a new origin story. In this session, she will share a concept called the hieros gamos, which means mystical marriage. Curious to know more? Without further ado, on with the show!

About Today’s Show

The Seven Gates by Dr. Frances Yahia

Hello Listeners. This is Dr. Frances Yahia. I’d like to share a little bit about my new book, The Truth is in the Triangle. My first book was The Seven Gates: Seven Steps Beyond Self-Awareness. The basis of that model which is to heal subconscious trauma is to understand that every person, place, thing, or situation is representative of your mother and your father. In my new book, The Truth is in the Triangle, I want you to find out if your partner is your mother or your father.

Let me tell you a little bit about the model and how you can incorporate it into your own life. First, the belief is that everything is a system. You and your partner are a system. Every system has an origin story which is what I ask clients, how do couples meet. The way that you met is the fantasy, or each other recognizing the discarded parts in each other and trying to integrate those shadow parts or discarded parts. Then I ask clients about their first fight. The first fight tells me the threat that you come to work through in your relationship.

Every 5-7 years, we get an opportunity to renegotiate the rules and rebuild on a new origin story. I’d like to tell you about a concept that I write about that comes from mythology called the hieros gamos. Hieros gamos means mystical marriage. My first book, The Seven Gates, was how to get the mystical marriage with self. My new book, The Truth is in the Triangle, is how to get that mystical marriage with your partner. I’d like for you to draw two overlapping circles, put the letter ‘I’ in one of them, another letter ‘I’ in the other, and in the middle circle draw a ‘We.’

Hieros gamos is the model that I talk about in this book called the I, I, and We. It’s the mystical marriage to self—how you marry yourself and become perfectly aligned in your masculine and feminine energies permitting your partner to also be aligned in his or her masculine and feminine energies where both people have their own set of rules. In my first book, I have the rule book at step 6. These are the non-negotiables of the relationship, the boundaries. The We will then be created from that, where the relationship itself is a different entity and will have its own rules. We’re going to talk about something called the “thread mate in a moment.

Let me just go back to the rules of relationships. Everything is a system and basically, your partner is your parents. If you look at the word partner and parent, they’re the same word with the exception of the letter ‘R’, and R is for the redo. What you’re trying to do is redo your parents’ relationship through your own relationship. You have an origin story, how you met. This tells of the fantasy or what you’re trying to work through in this relationship. Your first fight tells of the conflict of what you’re trying to heal in your subconscious through your relationship.

I like to talk about something called the “thread mate.” In new age circles, we hear a lot about soul mates, which I don’t disagree with the concept, but I think that the soul mate carries an energy that there’s only one person for us or there’s only one right way to do a relationship. I disagree with that. The thread mate, however, is what you come to do with this particular partner. Is it to build an empire? Is it to build a family? Is it for a sexual relationship? That’s the first thing you want to identify is your thread mate. That’s going to go in the We circle. That’s why you’re together. Then all of your behaviors, all of your rules, everything that you work towards with the couple is to build this thread.

We get off focused often when things happen in our relationship, but if we go back to the center circle and get re-centered as to our thread in our thread mate, then we understand that things show up to distract us and to get up off our path with this particular partner. If this particular relationship is a sexual relationship then your thread in your We, your rules, and your non-negotiables are related to sexuality. If it’s about building a business, then it’s about building a business. We don’t get sidetracked and unfocused on other things.

I also want to talk to you about the mistress. Every relationship has a mistress. If you draw a triangle and if you do a little soul searching, you have to find your wrong alliance. Your mother and your father, or the representative—if it was a grandmother if you were adopted or if your parents passed away—whoever you have an alliance with is a wrong alliance. The right way that the kingdom should be, should be the mother and father at the base of the triangle and the child at the tip.

But as I mentioned in my first book, The Seven Gates, we all have a role in alliance with one parent and therefore, we need to identify because that’s the person that we’re going to continue dating or marrying in our relationships. When you identify your wrong alliance, for instance, mine was with my father, you put that at the base of the triangle. You would put the child or your name and you would put mother or father at the base of the triangle, leaving the other parent that I call the mistress, at the tip of the triangle. Hence, my podcast is called, The Mistress of the Subconscious.

We all have a mistress in our relationship. It may be another man or woman. It might be our jobs. It might be the car. It might be the alarm clock. It might be money. It might be a child. But every single person comes from a triad. You have a shift in the triangle because nobody comes from a healthy triad. Your parents birthed you so that you could meet their needs, not the other way around. Your parents did not meet your needs. Your parents did not love you unconditionally, meaning that you now go into the world looking for a partner that will meet your needs and you try to get them to love you unconditionally which will never happen, hence the hieros gamos which is the mystical marriage with self.

When you learn how to love yourself, when you learn how to be the person that meets your own needs, you no longer have to put that stress and burden on the relationship. Now you can do this backward, so to speak. You can get into a couple, learn to love yourself, and then heal the relationship as a result. Or you can do my first book, The Seven Gates model, and learn to have the mystical marriage itself and then go into the world seeking a partner at your same vibrational level. You can do it either way.

For people that have been together for many years, you’re going to do this process every 5-7 years, which is what I call the “snow globe.” That origin story is going to get re-evaluated or renegotiated. You’re going to start the cycle over and this is a healthy way to go through life. Not only with yourself every seven years, what I call the “skinny cows,” is the time for you to re-evaluate and renegotiate your values throughout your entire life—that’s the spiritual journey—but you can do the same thing with your relationship.

At your triangle, how do you identify who you have the wrong alliance with? This is the way that I find simplest. One of your parents had covert power. They might have been more manipulative. They might have been more of a back door. They might have been the neck versus one being the head. Maybe they were less verbal or they were quieter in their demeanor and one had the overpower. Maybe they had the money and the power, the job, the stamina in the relationship. Maybe they were the ones that were conflictive. They were the one that spoke up. They were the ones that yelled. They were more overt.

You identified that one version of that power currency was more powerful. There’s no right or wrong. In essence, your parents are the exact same person. They’re just a shadow of one another. Personally, I chose my father who had the overpower. I show up in my relationships more masculine in nature and in the over power relationship. My wrong alliance is with my father. At the tip of the triangle, the mistress is my mother. If that’s your case, you could put your father as the wrong alliance, next to the father, yourself, and your mother as the mistress at the top of the triangle.

The mistress, whether it’s your mother or father or an actual male or female, or the car, or the job, or the gambling, or the drinking, informs the relationship. Both people in the relationship need something from that mistress. If that mistress gives you attention, a real person, a third person in your marriage, that means that you have to give yourself attention. Your partner has to give themselves attention, and then what the couple has to give each other is attention. If it’s gambling, if it’s an escape, for instance, gambling is poor coping. It’s a form of escape, just like alcohol. That means that each partner needs to escape in some way. Maybe be more childlike.

Then perhaps, what they give each other is an escape or fantasy in the bedroom. We use the mistress to inform what each person needs to get to their mystical marriage, the hieros gamos in themselves, and in addition, with what they need to get to the mystical marriage or the I, I, and We in the relationship. Mistresses are not bad. They’re informative.

Now going back to the wrong and right alliance. Your wrong alliance was with one of the parents. The parent that you kicked out, so to speak, that you put at the tip of the triangle is what you discard in yourself. This is called the “shadow aspect.” That parent has good and bad qualities. However, you basically took the baby and threw it out with the bathwater. I talk more about this in the bad buckets and good buckets in my first book, The Seven Gates. That’s exactly related to this work. If you want a free workbook, you can go on to dryahia.com and download a free workbook under the link to the podcast. In that, I explained the steps of the bad buckets, how to integrate your shadow.

This book is about how to integrate the shadows through your partner. It’s similar work by using your partner as a mirror because that’s one of the rules in the rule book for this particular model. When you identify the parent that you discarded, that you threw out, you need to identify what qualities that parent has that you threw out that you wanted to discard. For instance, my mother was gentle. She was kind. She’s elegant. She’s beautiful. She’s gracious. I threw all of those qualities out along with her manipulative tendencies. That’s what we do.

Witch Bitch by Dr. Frances Yahia

We discard everything instead of taking the good. This job of the mistress is to identify what parts of your parents you threw out that are your shadow aspects so that you can bring them back in, become whole, become an integrated person. The next step is what I call #doitdifferently, which is doing it differently than your parents. The inner child or the psyche does not know how to do it differently. It does the opposite. The parent you kicked out is the one that you do the opposite of. The one that you integrate or the one that’s in the wrong alliance, you do it just the same.

Neither way is healthy. You want to find what I call the 48-52, which is the midpoint of those two people. They have a little bit of good, a little bit of bad, and you are a combination of both.

Thank you very much. For more resources, please visit my website dryahia.com. My book, The Seven Gates: Seven Steps Beyond Self-Awareness will teach you how to integrate your shadow and become whole. My book, The Truth is in the Triangle, is the relationship model using the same principles to have what’s called the mystical marriage with yourself and indeed your partner. I also have a book called Witch Bitch, which is for ceremonies and rituals that help to shift the conscious traumas so that we can grow up and live our whole life.

Thank you very much.

Check out Dr. Frances Yahia’s interview with Orion.