Episode 117 | May 22, 2018

Couples Communication, Trust, ​and Infidelity – Idit Sharoni

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Mission #117

On Board: Idit Sharoni
Mission: Couples Communication, Trust, and Infidelity

If you grew up in America, or have been strongly influenced by its culture, you’ve probably internalized the idea that jealousy is a terrible thing. There’s a good chance that when you feel jealousy, you try to force it down or hide it. As you’ll learn in this episode, that may not be the best reaction after all. Feeling jealousy is very natural, and in a loving, committed relationship, it’s healthy to be able to talk about it openly with your partner.

Idit Sharoni joins me to talk about this and many other topics related to relationships and fidelity.  Idit is a relationship expert and a licensed marriage and family therapist in Miami, Florida. She specializes in affair recovery, communication issues, and helping couples who sense they are drifting apart. Idit loves helping couples in committed relationships strengthen their communication or rebuild trust and heal after infidelity. If you’re at a place where you’re having a hard time with your partner or there’s something missing, this is the episode for you.

Connect With Idit:

Idit Sharoni
Relationships Uncomplicated podcast
Idit Sharoni on Facebook
Idit Sharoni on LinkedIn
@IditSharoni on Twitter

The Mission Log:

  • [04:25] – Idit shares a bit about herself and explains why she does what she does.
  • [06:47] – What is the main obstacle that people are encountering in their relationships?
  • [08:08] – After infidelity, people are shattered, Idit explains. She points out how valued monogamy is in the modern world.
  • [09:42] – Men used to cheat more than women, but we’re rapidly closing that gap.
  • [10:57] – Idit explains that most of the reasons that people cheat can be divided into two categories.
  • [12:43] – Idit shares a case study to illustrate why somebody might cheat even in a really good relationship where nothing is fundamentally wrong.
  • [14:44] – Orion shares a story of going to a conference with her husband a few months ago. Idit then offers her suggestion for what Orion could have done in the situation she describes.
  • [17:26] – American society makes it seem like being a jealous wife is a terrible thing, and you should hide it as much as you can. Idit shares a different perspective.
  • [19:12] – Idit talks about the shock that people can feel about infidelity, and recommends that people not believe that infidelity isn’t something that can happen to them.
  • [22:46] – There are three phases to moving through infidelity: the initial shock phase, a reattachment phase, and a rebuilding or restart phase.
  • [25:57] – There’s a lot of work you need to do as a couple before you can rebuild, Idit explains.
  • [26:23] – What are some of the steps that Idit gives people to work on it as a couple?
  • [29:30] – Idit explores the difference between interrogative questions and investigative questions.
  • [34:14] – For people who have been together for a long time, what are some tools for good communication to reduce the chances of cheating on each other?
  • [36:55] – Idit talks about creating rituals of connection, and makes some specific recommendations.
  • [40:56] – What are the most surprising rituals that Idit has seen people do? Orion shares one of her own.
  • [45:31] – Idit shares her thoughts on polyamory and open relationships, discussing whether they’re healthy.
  • [47:26] – How can people know whether they’re ready for an open relationship or polyamory if they’re looking to transition from a monogamous relationship?
  • [48:44] – Idit shares her three top tips to living a stellar life: 1. Make sure that you’re doing everything you can to make your relationship thrive. 2. Make sure you like your partner, not just love them. 3. Put humor back into your relationship.
  • [50:48] – Where can people get in touch with Idit?

Links and Resources:

Your Checklist of Actions to Take

✓ When dealing with infidelity, first gather your strength and then pick up the pieces of what’s left in your relationship. Don’t do something irrational that may harm you or your partner.

✓ Communicate openly and in a meaningful way. Be aware of how you both are in the relationship by letting each other know how you truly feel.

✓ Talk lightly to your husband or significant other if you sense another woman casually flirting with him.

✓ Don’t suppress jealousy because it’s normal in every relationship as long as there are limits.

✓ Consider getting therapy if you’re running out of ways to handle or improve your situation with your partner. It is not as much of a taboo now as it was before.

✓ Take time to heal. It’s okay not to be okay. Spend time alone or with friends who can help you mend your broken heart and be patient with yourself.  

✓ Live a life with high standards. The quality of your life determines the quality of your relationships.

✓ Create a relationship ritual of conection, something that only you and your partner are accustomed to. These rituals strengthen trust and bond in a relationship.

✓ Do everything you can to make your relationship thrive. Make sure that you are investing in something that helps you grow and learn.

✓ Don’t take your partner or the little things for granted. Show appreciation even in the simplest of ways.

Transcript:

O: As a love coach myself, I enjoy talking to other coaches, psychologist, therapists, and I love the idea of communication. I love talking and teaching about how to be better together and how to attract your soulmate and all that and so I invited a wonderful person today to talk about couple’s communication. What I was not really aware of is that she also deals with infidelity and how she helps couples recover from something like that. As for me, it wasn’t really in my consciousness, this whole idea of infidelity—I just got married 1 ½ year ago—and nothing like that even crossed my mind. It was a little bit alarming but it’s also good to be aware of whatever can happen. You can cherish what you have in a relationship. In this episode, we talk about how to improve communication, what happen when normal couples—and she said something that really surprised me—was that she said, “Usually, it’s the couples that you would not believe something like that would happen. It’s the people that love each other and have a good relationship. Then something happens and somebody cheats.” It is scary but I guess this is the reality. It’s good to know how to cherish what you have, what it’s like to make your partner feel enough, so they don’t feel the urge of going with somebody else. Also, if something like that happens, it’s good to know that it happens, and this is life, shit happens. I hope that if it happens to you, your relationship is strong enough to survive it. Sometimes it’s good to build a new path out of what doesn’t work anymore. We talk about lots of things. We even talked about polyamory, and dating other people, open relationships, and all that. Of course, we talked about monogamy and how to keep your relationship juicy and alive. My guest, Idit Sharoni is a relationship expert and a licensed marriage and family therapist in Miami, Florida. She loves helping couples in committed relationship who desire step-by-step plan to strengthen their relationship or to rebuild trust and heal after infidelity. I am very excited to bring you to listen to that. If you’re in a place where you’re having a hard time with your partner or there is something missing, listen to this episode, and I really hope it will help you. Now, without further ado, onto the show. Hey, Idit. Welcome to Stellar Life Podcast.

I: Thank you. I’m happy to be here.

O: I’m so happy that you’re here. One thing we have in common, we are from the same original place. We’re both from Israel, that’s pretty cool. We have a similar accent.

I: Yeah.

O: Yeah, it’s so cool. Before we start, why don’t you just share a little bit about yourself and why you do what you do?

I: Sure. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and I’m the owner of a boutique private practice for couples in Miami. I specialize in affair recovery, in communication issues, and in lack of desire or drifting apart between couples, all of those. I would say that I really love working with couples that are in committed relationships and who are in desperate need of help to save their relationship or heal after infidelity. That’s what I do. That’s what I love doing, actually.

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