Episode 192 | October 29, 2019

How to Make Him Yours with Mark Rosenfeld


A Personal Note From Orion

What do men really want? If you’re single or have recently been dating in today’s modern world, you have probably asked yourself this question as you deal with the seemingly ever-present flakiness and lack of commitment that men seem to have. 

Yet the real question that you should consider is, what do you want in a man? And once you figure that out, visualize it, and most importantly, believe that you deserve it, you’ll find that you will be able to surpass all the lame dating experiences as you realize to not take ‘rejection’ personally when they were never the right fit for you anyway. 

I often tell my clients, you have to work on yourself internally to become the woman who is going to attract the man of her dreams. It’s not about changing yourself fundamentally, it’s more about changing your perception of the love you deserve by healing your past traumas. My guest today, Mark Rosenfeld, has gone from awkward virgin geek in high school, to stripper, to finally a world-renowned relationship coach who shares today how you can make the right person yours.

 

About Today’s Show

Hello, and welcome to Stellar Life Podcast. This is your host, Orion. Today I have with me, Mr. Mark Rosenfeld. He is Australia’s number one dating and relationship coach, working with women all around the world for the past five years, and he’s got more than 40 million content views online. That’s a lot. 

I guess people are very interested in what he has to say and I’m sure you will, too. It was a great episode. He’s a fantastic guy. It was a fun conversation. The only thing that threw me off was that he looks a little bit like an old boyfriend of mine from my 20s. But other than that, he was perfect. I’m sure you’re going to enjoy the show. And now without further ado, let’s go!

Hey Mark, welcome to Stellar Life podcast. Thank you for being here.

Thank you so much for having me. It is a pleasure to be here, Orion. I really appreciate it.

I really appreciate you. I’ve seen you online and I’ve seen your work. You strike me as an extraordinary coach and mentor. I just think it’s going to be a very lovely conversation.

Thank you. I’m excited about it.

Why did you decide to get into relationship coaching and do the things that you do today?

Great question. With many of us, as we know, our pain becomes our passion. To me, I had a huge history through highschool of social anxiety and loneliness, essentially. I was too shy to go out there. I can remember in high school, the phone would ring and I would be so anxious that I might get invited to something like my heart started pounding and I will just be sweating with anxiety and so nervous at the sound of the phone ringing at my parents’ house.

That illustrates how bad it got and that lack of socialness in high school led to lack of companionship after high school. It was especially evident in the romantic spirit of my life. I sort of hit bottom before I bounced back, but a couple of years after high school, I decided enough was enough and then I had to change something.

I sort of took a couple of small action steps but nothing worked. So I had to do something a bit crazy to really slingshot myself out of it. Once I did that, slowly but surely other men started to notice and they said, “Oh, look. You’ve got some confidence. How did you kind of do that?” I decided to help out other guys and I found a real passion for that.

It didn’t last long term⁠, that passion, because what I actually realized is that many men who come to a dating relationship coach are coming from a place of sexual scarcity. They haven’t had sex in a long time and many years of time. That’s their pain, which is weird because that wasn’t actually my pain because I was a virgin. I didn’t like or know what sex even was when I started feeling really lonely. I couldn’t identify with that as much, so eventually I went to a different track. I thought, “This is really satisfying me. I think I’m going to go of all things to be a vet and be a stripper.”

I went to a very different career path and eventually found that through the stripping, especially I was meeting so many women, hearing their stories and loneliness, I could really resonate with it. That was when I decided, well women ask me for a program. I thought I could give this a go. That was about five years ago.

Maintaining successful relationships comes from being happy with where you’re at, whether you are with someone or not. Click To Tweet

Wait. You were with a sweet, cute, furry animal in the daytime and then strip in the night time?

It’s kind of cool. That was me.

That’s extraordinary. 

Did I gave it all up? Well, yeah. I would still strip occasionally as just a bit of fun and it’s a cool hobby. But yeah, I gave the vet up, unfortunately, which is a lot of studies to give up but it was the right decision and I was able to focus on making coaching full-time.

Wow. When I was a young child, I want to be a zoologist. I wanted to be in Africa and study elephants.

I hear a lot of people as kids, want to work with animals. It can be a very tough industry. Many of my peers struggled in the vet industry but it can also be very rewarding. 

I know. I can’t look at blood or cut. That’s not me and the other aspect.

It’s desensitization. 

You stripped for women and you learned their pain. You spent some quite intimate time with them and then they open up to you. What did they say?

I always chat with them before or after the show and, evidently, you get questions about relationships. You get things like, “Do you have a partner?” But I’d spend a lot more time talking to them because I actually had a girlfriend at that point as well, so it wasn’t like I was there to pick anyone up. You just getting into these conversations. 

A lot would say, “I always pick the wrong man,” or “I never know how to spot a player,” or “Guys will never commit,” or “I can never read men.” There’d be these constant complaints. 

Then you’ll never know that you’ll meet someone who really seems to have it together. She was trusting her intuition. She was switched on and she was getting great relationships, not just romantically, but she had great relationships. Plural with all kinds of men in her life as a result. That resonated with how much happier those women seem. How much more content they were and just how when a woman was in her intuitive confidence, how good she was at relationships, and how those women who aren’t-really were struggling.

It depends on where you are coming from. If you’re coming from a place of scarcity, fear, lack, pain, and lack of healing or if you come from a place of peace and wholeness. Knowing that the other partner is not there to fill a void but to build something with you. 

Absolutely. 

I totally resonate with the fact that your pain becomes your greatest gift which happened to me, too, because I was in an abusive relationship. I was depressed for two years, became super masculine, and ended up going on this long healing journey, studying from a lot of people and manifesting the man of my dreams.

Wow, that’s beautiful.

We’ve been together for six years, almost seven. Married for 2½. We just moved into a new house, two weeks ago. 

Fantastic. That’s awesome.

Grow together as a couple. You can have your own goals yet still be able to support each other in reaching achieving their dreams.

I’m so grateful to have that partner in my life. It’s just beautiful, but it took a lot of work. It wasn’t easy. It didn’t just like boom, appeared. I needed to change in order to attract that person.

It’s always a journey, isn’t it? We always need to be on our own paths and that’s what really makes it so rewarding in the end. 

Right. Are you in a relationship right now?

I am.

Tell me about it.

Long story short, I got my ass dumped about six months ago. That came out of nowhere and that really surprised me because we’ve been together for quite a while. It’s been my own journey to realize that that wasn’t right for her which meant it was all right.

I always get that question a lot, like, “Are you in a relationship or are you not?” Different times coaching, my answers obviously change because you get your ass dumped, but a long-term relationship from a little while back and we were together a long time, we broke up probably about two years after I started coaching.

I remember feeling so ashamed of myself because I was like, “Oh my God, I started coaching. I thought I was doing so well, I had a girl, and then we broke up. We went to counseling and stuff. Unfortunately, what I now later learned was fundamental incompatibilities. That didn’t work out for the best possible reasons and we are great friends now, which is fantastic. We are really close as friends.

I remember feeling such shame around her and then I obviously took some time, I think about a year to heal from that and then went and met the more recent partner. I remember the same sort of thing going, “Yup, okay. Right this time.” But what I really learned along that journey and working with clients as well is that it really is not about like what I coach—it’s labeled Dating Relationships—but I learned that what I really coach is happiness at love. Honestly, to be completely frank with you, I probably spent as much time getting people out of relationships as getting them into them. 

I mean, which is a really good thing because people will stay in a relationship for 20 years and suffer and suffer and wanting to change.

The number of people that are in a relationship where they are unhappy, or afraid to end them, or who come to me and just say, “I can’t let go of this guy. How do I find my confidence and let him go.” Is just as many as the ones who say, “I’m single and I want to find someone.”

I always find it a bit funny because like I say, it used to be something I was really like, “Oh, I’m sure about. Oh God,” but I couldn’t make mine work. I’ve realized that a successful end at the right time even to be friends later is just as a greater success for your own happiness as it is a successful start.

What I’m in now is fairly new. Very balanced and very healthy, but also very new. You have to take these things with the education of time and I’m on my own journey there. But I think the biggest thing I’ve taken away is that real happiness and success—I’ve truly internalized this now—in relationships comes from both the starts and the ends. You really do have to be able to be happy where you’re at, whether you are with someone or not.

I could honestly say that my life, my happiness has been so high for the last three to four years on average—never that high in my life—even though people have come and gone at times. Every relationship has been rewarding. It’s been really very special and I love how balanced the person I’m with right now, and I’m really looking forward to the future with her.

I really appreciate how open you are with your answer. A lot of people will try to hide and not just say it as it is. I think that we are so genuine. You really help other people because people are afraid to face their feelings of what’s going on, honestly, and really look at themselves and, “Okay this is what’s going on. This is the lesson. Now I can move on.” Thank you for sharing that.

My pleasure. I mentioned to you before we start the call. I’m in Vienna at the moment.

What are you doing in Vienna?

I’m sightseeing actually. My family is from here so I’m just checking out a few things while I do some work in between. I was actually catching up with my former long-term mates. I say we are really good friends and I was saying to her how the more recent breakup really bombed me, but also how happy I’ve been through the whole thing. Even though that obviously sucked at that time and there were a lot of tears and it was a few shitty weeks where I went to my own coach, of course, because we all need coaches, right?

The ultimate test of a relationship is discovering who your partner really is when they're at their worst. People's true characters come out when they're in hot water. Click To Tweet

So I went to my own coach and he gave me a really good rundown with his perspective and said, “Yep. I think this was actually going along really well. You just missed these one or two little things and that’s what was causing compatibility.” I was like, “Great.” My coach gave me a good wrap, picked me up, and gave me a little bit of feedback on stuff I could improve. 

But it was really positive meeting the previous weeks again, chatting about that and talking about how happy we both were. I don’t think there could be anything more rewarding than having someone you were with and discussing how happy you both are as genuine friends even though you are not romantic partners. 

Right and being a successful coach, do you think your success and travels had something to do with it­? With the relationship?

What do you mean?

I mean, sometimes it’s hard for a partner to contain their partner’s success if they are in contact with a lot of women, and probably a lot of them really adore you and you get a lot of attention, and you travel a lot. That can create insecurity, jealousy, and fear.

I would say that’s a big part of it. There were two elements. That’s probably the second part. The actual main part which I’m sure I can discuss here was that there was a family incompatibility which I never had before, but one of the person’s very close siblings took a great disliking to me.

So, the person I was with, which—like I said I never had that before—I’ve always gone on really well with family and friends, but this particular family member was not a fan of mine. I made it quite clear and because the person I was with was very close to this family member, she was really just struggling with it. She was really vulnerable and good. She was just like, “I’m struggling with this. This person really doesn’t like you. I’m close to him. I don’t know what to do.” 

It obviously wasn’t an easy decision for her, but yes I would say a combination of job compatibilities and surprisingly family incompatibilities were the downfall of that one. 

What I learned is to make your partner your number one and if your partner is number one, no one can get in the way of the love you can build together. I think there was a deeper reason and that was kind of an excuse. 

Yeah. We sort of had a chat about it. I won’t go into it much. It’s obviously her stuff, but essentially you have to have your own values that are separate from your family’s. If you are not at a point where you can establish those, then it’s not at a point where you can sustain relationships effectively. 

Right. Who were your greatest mentors?

Great question. My own coach, George, has been a fantastic mentor for me. My best friend Timothy, he would probably not be the typical audience for you, but if he does this, he’s an amazing guy and has always been an inspiration to me. He’s actually asked me to be the best man at his wedding next year, which I was very excited about. He’s been an inspiration. And obviously, my own parents.

I could honestly say number four was that previous partner that I spoke about. I suppose I should not mention names, but she’s been a real inspiration in learning. I’ve taken so much from our relationship that I say between Tim, my former partner, my parents, and obviously my own coach and coaches, it’s been a really powerful series of mentors that I’ve had. 

I went to some famous gurus. For me, it was Tony Robbins, Alison Armstrong, Harville Hendrix, and there are so many more.

The Seven Secrets to Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman & Nan Silver

Fantastic. I would definitely say the guy who wrote The Seven Secrets to Making Marriage Work, John Gottman

Yeah, him too. I went to his workshop.

I’ll definitely say Gottman. I do like Hendrix’s stuff. I always love Hussey’s stuff as well.

Who is Hussey?

Matthew Hussey

He’s a young man.

I’ve not watched it for a few years now, but starting out, I found him very inspiring. Just because I want to make sure I’m separate from him. Esther Perel is probably the other big one and Brené Brown.

I actually know her personally. I visited her in her apartment in SoHo a while ago.

Oh, wow. Fantastic. I’ll say Esther and Brené had been two big inspirations for me on the relationship side. 

So Alison Armstrong goes on in this show and she’s wonderful. Another person who is on this show is Jaiya. She’s a sex educator. World-renowned sex educator. We took a whole year-long mastermind with her. It’s pretty cool.

That’s very cool. 

One of the things that I find is that when two people, when the couple evolves together, it’s very helpful. If you go to a seminar only to the best of your ability, love can get in the way. But if you go to the same seminar as you have similar experiences that can bring you closer.

Absolutely and having that combined growth mindset is such a big thing where you are just on the same level, aren’t you? It works.

Definitely. I think the most growth I got in my life was from my relationships. The good ones and the bad ones. 

Hundred percent. I’ve even gone as far as to say that the good ones will give you longer-term lessons, but the bad ones will give you more triggery lessons.

It’s like hitting you on the head.

They are a bit more obvious whereas the good ones grow you overtime like a great plant, whereas the bad ones are like fires. You have to regrow everything. It’s like these big, short, lessons.

Right. Let’s talk about dating. For somebody who’s single and listening, they’ve been dating for so many years, they can’t find the love of their life. All the good ones are either gay or taken. Men are these big mysteries that are super hard to read. What are some of the baby steps you’ll give them?

I’ll always check-in, to begin with, you look at what’s going on internally. Already there. Someone said that, “We’ve heard a couple of beliefs about boys. We’ve heard all the good ones are taken. We’ve heard they’re all gay.” Just useful reasons for these beliefs. Like, those beliefs protect you. 

When you actually think about it, it’s ridiculous. We live in the most abundant society even if you look at the size of the cities. If you look at the number of people online, if you look at the number of new people that are being born everyday, or becoming single everyday, any scarcity in mindset is clear BS. The people are out there. Once you drop that stuff, you say, “Well I’ve got to take responsibility for meeting the people that are out there, for making my life work. We don’t want to be victims. I’m going to freaking do this.”

It always takes two to tango. The art of give and take should be mastered in a great relationship.

Then, I get back to real basics which is theory in practice. Theory is, “All right, we need to understand men, and obviously have our life back on track.” If you’re going to date men, you obviously need to understand men. One of the biggest things I started doing when I didn’t want to be lonely anymore just after high school was that I realized I knew absolutely nothing about women.

I had to learn some of the things that women might, for example, want but not ask for. Things that are like, how does a woman show interest? How can I learn to read women a bit better? How can I relate better to women for a potential relationship? Simply learning those lessons. 

A little bit of theory goes a long way with, “Oh, okay. I realized that while men might do the obvious initiation, it’s actually women that initiate most interactions.” Men are just as fear-driven as women, but the ways it’s demonstrated are different in their behavior. Once you start to learn all of that, you deeply personalize it a lot. You realized it’s often not about you. You take dating with a much better attitude because when a guy acts weird and ghosts, instead of thinking, “I’m not good enough. Something is wrong with me.” You genuinely at core level realized, “Okay, that guy just had some shit going on.” It sucks to be him, but life goes on. Dating becomes a lot more personal.

What are some of the biggest misunderstanding women have when it comes to men?

I would say that one of the biggest is, “It’s about me.” Whatever behavior it is, whether it’s ghosting or whether it’s showing a lot of interest and then being flaky, I’m not texting back, not wanting to commit, keeping you in the middle zone which is like where you’re not with the person but the guy text you every couple of days. You’re like, “Does he want me? I’m stuck in this middle zone where he’s not letting me go but he’s not dating me either.” Most of those behaviors have nothing to do with you.

As kids, we have to personalize everything. That’s the only way to survive as a kid. You cannot get yourself out of situations. You cannot really put any boundaries in place with anyone. Pretty much all the useful tools you have as an adult to change your life are useless as a child. Really, the only tool you have is to change yourself and adapt to get more love. That’s basically the only thing you can do. 

The problem is, that’s very useful as a child but it becomes really problematic as an adult, because a lot of times, you end up changing yourself for someone who is “below you,” or, “less evolved,” or, “in more fear.” I said that in quotation marks but basically, you’re changing yourself when you shouldn’t be or thinking something’s wrong with you when there’s not. And really, part of adulting is finding that healthy balance between what is you and what might be something you can or should change versus what is something that has nothing to do you or what shouldn’t be changed.

I don’t know if this is the way we raise our girls, but certainly, one of the biggest mistakes I’ve seen women is too much of a tendency to think it’s their issue, something they need to change, and not enough realizing that’s just something to do with the guy. That’s just a man demonstrating fear on a certain behavior. You just got to trust your intuition. 

Probably, number two is not going with your intuition and not going with your gut. The psychological reasons we do that, we abandon our intuition for love or safety, or whatever the currency our brain wants. I always say that each time you abandon your intuition or each time you even ignore your intuition, it charges out a little bit of your self-esteem. If you say you’re like a $100 note, you’re worth $100, each time you ignore your intuition, your confidence and self-worth loses a dollar. If you charge your intuition out enough, your overall self-value—the way you see yourself, your self-confidence—starts to go to $30, $20. It takes a while to build that up again. I’ll probably say that’s number two.

I would probably say, number three that comes straight to my mind is not enjoying the process. This is something that you spoke to before which is like, “I hate dating. It kind of sucks.” 

It sucks. If you’re not approaching dating the right way, you keep doing what you’re doing, you keep getting what you’re getting, it can be extremely frustrating to the point where women will stop dating altogether.

It can really suck. Yes. That’s why I’ve had a philosophy I called deaf monkey dating.

Relationships should be about inspiring you to reach your highest potential, not about being overly dependent on the other person. Click To Tweet

What’s that?

It basically poses the question that says, “If your date is as boring as a deaf monkey, are you still going to have fun?”

I wouldn’t find the deaf monkey boring. That’s just me.

That might be your right. You can have fun any day. 

No, I just like monkeys.

I actually remember my previous partner. We had a chat on the phone. I was like, “We didn’t really click. I don’t know about this.” She came to meet up after I chat. I was like, “All right. I’ll give her another chance.” I was really concerned she’s going to be bored, to be completely honest with you.

I made sure to pick a date location where I was like, “If she’s as boring as I think she might be, I need to have fun anyway.” I picked a really cool university that I’ve been wanting to go to for a while. I was like, “Let’s go to this university that I’ve chosen.” I would never go on a coffee date, not in a million years. I’ve never ever gone to a coffee date. I don’t like coffee. If my date is as boring as a deaf monkey, I wouldn’t have fun on a coffee date.

I always ask the question, “If you are going on a date and you’re not sure, especially, if you haven’t chatted to the guy on the phone, can you ensure that you’re going to have fun if he’s as boring as a deaf monkey?” If the answer is no, I’m going to chat with him on the phone first so you can ensure you guys click or steer him towards a date location where he’s as boring as he possibly could be. You’re going to make it fun somehow, anyhow, anyway, regardless.

That’s a piece of good advice. I want to refer back to a couple of things you said. You talked about change. You said that I don’t need to change. I just want to make the distinction of you don’t want to change for someone else but yes, sometimes, you do need to change as far as changing your relationship with your body, changing your relationship with your intuition, highering your standards, connecting to more self-love and acceptance, and thinking about, “Who do I need to be able to attract that person that I dream of?”  In my journey and in my clients’ journey, I feel like the internal change in perspective, self-love, and connection to manifestation is essential. 

I agree with that. I really see change as a river and you’re in the boat. It’s going to happen whether you like it or not. It’s kind of what I think. Steer the boat. Change in ways that you like. Change it. I’m always trying to change, always looking for a change. It just has to be change that I liked and change that I’m keen on. 

Yes, but sometimes you don’t like that change because change is hard. 

Change sucks.

Change can suck and people like to stay where they are because there is the biggest fear of the unknown. Dr. Wayne Dyer was telling a story. He said, “There was this guy who was walking down the street. He saw this old man on the porch. Near the old man was an old dog. The dog was crying in pain. He forgot about it. Then, when he came back a few hours later, they were still there. The man was sitting on his rocking chair and the dog was still crying. He asked the man, ‘Why is your dog crying?’ The man said, ‘Well, he’s sitting on a nail.’ ‘Why won’t he get up?’ He said, ‘It doesn’t hurt enough.’” Sometimes we sit down on a nail and we accept our pain. We don’t want to change because we’re so used to it. Maybe getting up will be challenging.

I can definitely relate to that. I remember the first time I was going out and trying to change myself. I was trying to build more social skills. I was like, “I really want to build some social skills so I can maybe meet someone. This is going to suck.” It took the nail, it took where I was sitting to hurt more. 

Sometimes, with clients, I’ll stack the pain on because you can motivate someone with pleasure or pain which is like, “What are the consequences of staying with this narcissist, long-term?” When you spend half an hour, 45 minutes, stacking the pain on which is like, “Oh, wow. My life’s actually going to be ruined if I stay with this person.” That is enough increase in the nail to stimulate change.

I love what you’re saying because you don’t have to experience the pain in a relationship. You can go deep. Tony Robbins has this Dickens Process were, “Who are you going to become in 10 years?” It’s crazy. 

I’ve done that.

There are thousands of people that are crying, and screaming in pain because they see their lives 10 years from now, and they hate it. Then, he takes you to pleasure where everything’s good and you manifested what you wanted. People are like, “Whoo!” There is such a big power in our minds. Our mind perceives it as reality. So, rather do it with a coach for 45 minutes than spend years of pain and agony to figure it out. 

Exactly. The better you can become, in general, at extrapolating the pleasure of what you want to do and the pain of what you don’t want to do, the more you change your life. It could be as simple as, “I keep going on my boyfriend’s exes Facebook profiles. I hate that I do this but I get jealous. Then, I end up looking up all of his exes and stalking his exes. How do I stop doing this, Mark?”

If we dive in and say, “Maybe doing that is subconsciously giving you the feeling of a bit of control in the situation. Maybe a little bit of connection to your boyfriend.” If we can flip that snowboard and say, “Hey, the more you do that, the more likely he is to leave you. The more you stop doing that, the more likely he is to stay.” We attach pleasure to the thing you want to do and pain to the thing you don’t. If we spend a good 45 minutes ingraining that in, you’re going to have a lot more pain associated with that previously problematic behavior.

When a woman dates a man, he’s not a monkey. He’s quite nice. She likes him but she can’t read him yet. What are some signs of he’s serious, he’s not a player, and he’s interested?

There are a few. The number one thing I would go to is consistency because what most women come to me and aim to do is they aim to figure out the puzzles so they can have an answer. They leave out the element, which is like they look at the sign, so maybe they even look at how much effort the guy is putting in, which is a good start, but the real thing that tells you for sure is consistency over time. That’s why you can’t read anything from a human from one or two dates in one week. It’s a good start—don’t get me wrong—someone’s putting an effort for a week. Awesome. That’s a good start, but the real character of people is not revealed when the sun is shining.

So true.

I have a thing I talk about called serve, which is the five fears of men. Until you really start to see how he operates in fear and how he treats you when he’s stressed, how purposeful he is when his family is like, “I’m going with him,” or when things are not good in a relationship, or you’re a bit annoyed with each other, or another girl.

There are other things you need to watch for. Those are the red flags. Those are the things we usually don’t pay attention to how he treats that person like that. But if he treats that person like that, he’s going to treat you like that eventually.

How does he operate when he’s at his worst? When luck is throwing shit at him, and you’re rarely going to see that in the first week or even the first month. That’s why time is so powerful because you actually get a really good sense of character when you see someone over a good period of time, especially if they’re under a little bit of stretched duress. That all comes out there.

Such a piece of good advice. So, he’s consistent, you want to make him tease you, and you want to make him take it to the next level. What do you do?

Esther Perel talks a lot about desire is created through space. It’s really simplified, but sometimes simple does not mean easy, which is there should be a natural space, and I even go as far as to call it a natural challenge, that you create when you’re with a guy. That means that by doing the things that you love, whether it’s hanging out with your friends, or it’s skateboarding, knitting, salsa dancing, pursuing jiu-jitsu, the things that create a natural space between you and him, are the things that will draw him to you, draw a healthy guide to you in the long term.

The other thing that men are seeking is that appreciation and affection when they’re with you. If you always think of that like man food, like what a man eats to show they eat sandwiches, but what a man really craves besides affection and appreciation? And obviously the attention thing, too, but appreciation is the big one.

I hate to say it, but we’re all out of most of it, just to be honest. If you want to train a man, you train a man like you train a dog. You reward the good behavior every time you see it and almost over the top. He does something that you love, that you think is great, you appreciate that, you give him a huge kudos for it.

If you’re single, enjoy the dating process. It should not pressure you into going quickly into a relationship you might later regret.

As a society, we tend to hold back compliments and I don’t really know why. That’s one thing when I mentioned my friend, Timothy, earlier. He has been a guy to hold back his compliments. He’s just so appreciative of the people around him and his partner, and I’ve always found that super inspiring.

I do it a lot with my husband. Every time he shows up powerfully, I’m praising him and I’m loving it. I’m genuinely saying it. It’s not like our moves. Now I have to give him some gratitude. No. It’s just that it comes out naturally. But sometimes, I take it to the next level to say, “Honey, this was incredible. I love that you did that for me. You’re my rock, you’re my superman, you’re my hero.”

That’s huge. That’s what he misses when you go and do your own thing. It’s like, “Aww. She’s not coming, she’s not going to compliment me now,” right?

Another thing that we do, that I learned from Harville Hendrix, every night before we go to bed, we say three things to each other that we appreciate about each other. We don’t go to bed without appreciations. Even when he travels or I travel, we’ll call each other. Even if we have to do it in different time zones, we’ll call each other and say, “Hey, you’re ready for appreciation, baby?” and then we say three things.

It’s usually never only three things. It usually goes to 5 or 10 things, but it can be as simple as, “Wow, thank you for standing for me when we spoke to the neighbor,” or, “Thank you for doing the dishes.” It doesn’t have to be big things. It’s really appreciating everything.

John Gottman always says, “Keep it at least five to one. Five appreciation moments for every one hard criticism.”

It’s quite hard. Sometimes, he’s getting judgmental, I’m getting judgmental. I just find that the relationship is at its best when we both are doing our meditations, our inner work, and our taking care of ourselves.

Absolutely. I think that’s wonderful advice. Quite wonderful.

Thank you. Cool. So, those are the things that build a relationship; gratitude. Do you have any other advice to build a relationship?

I think one of the big things is having a look at John Gottman’s book and really understand that resentment in any form is going to be the poison. Whenever you find yourself entering that space, that’s where you either need to have a chat, let’s get these feelings out, or you need to see what’s triggering in yourself because that’s what really brings relationships down.

The more that you can enhance that appreciation and obviously give him space while you’re doing your own thing, and then decrease the resentment and find a way to work through that. Often, it comes back to vulnerability, which Brené Brown is fantastic at talking about. Often, it comes back to how willing are we to be vulnerable.

Interdependence in relationships is key. It’s about being able to meet your own needs and assisting your partner to meet theirs, and vice versa. Click To Tweet

And really connect in the space. I’d honestly say a lot of people will say, “Oh, here’s where he wakes up,” or, “I really struggle because he’s doing the thing.” What I found in life is that if you are really on top of it yourself, the more powerful energy will always bring the other person’s energy towards it.

In other words, if you are able to not be triggered, if you’re able to be calm and be vulnerable, if you are rock solid in that energy, even when he flies off the handle a little bit, you will actually be able to bring a much better interaction and even bring him back to you. As opposed to if he is flying off the handle and he’s really solid and he’s triggered, and you’re not as stable in your own calmness and stability, you’ll find yourself triggered and you’ll find yourself in a yelling, screaming, argument match, which will obviously not be good for the relationship.

I find it really getting centered within yourself, noticing your own triggers, and keeping your calmness, your vulnerability, can actually play a huge part because when you’re so sensitive in that, you will actually be able to draw him into that.

What do women do to destroy the relationship beyond being super reactive or insecure?

Obviously, there’s a big topic there. A big thing, obviously, is codependency. Whether it’s believing the codependency missed or having that, “I need this person to complete me or to complete this need…”

I Need Your Love – Is That True? by Byron Katie & Michael Katz

It reminds me of Byron Katie’s book, I Need Your Love – Is That True?

It’s a big thing. A lot of what I do with helping people break a toxic connection is simply helping them access the feeling that they thought they needed the man for. I literally have done this twice today with clients. She comes to me and says, “I’m addicted of this person,” and I said, “Why?” and the common answer is, “He made me feel so safe and secure.”

Relationships are really about inspiring us to our potential. They’re not about learning to be dependent on the other person. This is just as true for parental relationships as it is for romantic ones. Your father or your mother are not raising you to rely on them for the length of the relationship for safety and security. The purpose of the father and mother is to provide that at the beginning when you’re a child and then teach you to be independent, to be able to have that within yourself.

In a romantic relationship, the goal is not to be dependent on the person for safety and security. The goal is to be independent and then later in a romantic relationship, interdependent on that person so you can meet your own needs and assist them in meeting theirs. I think really calling that person responsible for your emotions or for you to feel a certain way is what creates that tension in men. And vice-versa, too. She constantly feels not safe and secure within herself. I’m trying to fix it, but of course I can’t fix it. That’s an impossible problem because I can’t control her emotions. That leads to resentment, which leads to a crash.

Beautifully said. What are your three top tips for living a stellar life?

I would say number one, you have to be able to take a high percentage of your validation from yourself because your life is different from mine, it’s different from the next person’s. People aren’t always going to reward you for it or think highly of you for it, and if you can’t get a high enough chunk of your validation internally—it doesn’t have to be all of it, just high enough chunk—you will be able to validate yourself and give yourself a pat on the back when everyone else thinks you’re weird. That would be number one.

I would say number two is you got to really learn to take one of the three ways to handle problems in life. When it’s raining, you can either go inside, you can put up an umbrella, or you can learn to dance in the rain. The fourth way is to sit on the ground and cry about the fact that it’s raining and play the victim. Unfortunately, that’s what a lot of people do. But what this is really about is taking responsibility.

When you have those three options, “Okay, I have a toxic ex,” let’s say, “I can either stop talking to her, I can put up a healthy boundary with my toxic ex,” which might be necessary if, say for example, we have a kid together, “or I can realize how her behavior actually empowers me.” All of those three, no matter which one you choose, meaning you’ll never be the victim and you will have full responsibility in your life to go ahead and live that stellar life. That would be number two.

And I would probably say number three, as I’m coaching right now, would be to realize that any action you need to take, line it up with being need that you feel will be met. It’s basically doing the Tony Robbins process, being able to do that in your own head is what I’m aiming to get at here.

I call it snowballing with my clients, but it’s basically being able to line up short-term actions with long-term consequences. If you get really good at that, you’ll be able to change your diet, change your exercise, change your relationships. You’ll be able to overcome any kind of impulsiveness because you will see how the thing that you want to do, like go to the gym, is going to create more comfort in your life, and you’ll see how the couch is actually really uncomfortable. You can apply a metaphor to really anywhere. So, I’d say the ability to snowball would be the third one.

If you want to find someone who can make you feel safe and secure, then you have to find yourself first. Click To Tweet

Nice. Thank you so much. Where can people find you? Connect with you? Learn from you?

You can head to my YouTube channel, which is just my name, Mark Rosenfeld. You can grab the first chapter of my book, which is absolutely free. You can grab the first chapter.

For free?

For free at www.makehimyours.com.au/book.

Make Him Yours, Baby.

The full one will be up soon as well. I just finished having it edited. It’s quite exciting, so keep an eye out for that, too.

Nice. Mark, thank you so much. This was extraordinary. I really enjoyed the interview. Thank you so much.

My pleasure. That was so much fun. Thanks for having me, Orion.

Thank you, and thank you, listeners. Remember to validate yourself, take responsibility for your life, be able to line up short-term actions with long-term consequences, and have a stellar life. This is Orion. Until next time.

Your Checklist of Actions to Take

{✓} Seek guidance from relationship experts if you’re having difficulties dating or finding the right partner. There is plenty of free content about relationships online, but talking to a real person can help you get to the root of the problem quicker. 
{✓} Consider your job compatibility and professional aspirations when entering a relationship. Many relationships fail due to incompatible career goals. 
{✓} Integrate your own values, but also consider each other’s family backgrounds or upbringing. It’s important to establish harmony with your partner’s family, especially if they are close-knit.
{✓} Evolve together as a couple. Respect each other’s growth and differences and always tackle things hand in hand. 
{✓} When in doubt, listen to your intuition. Often a gut feeling is the best way to guide yourself out of a difficult situation. 
{✓} Enjoy the dating process. Don’t stress too much about it, but equip yourself with knowledge and awareness on how to land a remarkable, long-lasting relationship.
{✓} Look for consistency in a man. When a man deeply cares for you, one of the biggest signs to look for is how much he wants to become a part of your life.
{✓} Watch out for red flags. Be observant of how a man operates when he’s at his worst because this is where his true character comes out.
{✓} Find things you both love to do together and keep doing it. Discovery new hobbies along the way that you can both enjoy. One of the biggest secrets to strong relationships is having fun with your significant other. 
{✓} Check out Mark Rosenfeld’s YouTube page for more relationship tips and advice on how to make him yours!

Links and Resources

About Mark Rosenfeld

Australia’s #1 dating and relationships coach, working with women all around the world for the past five years, more than 40,000,000 content views online.

 

 

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